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Original poster

different ideas about sex

172 replies

Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 10:38

I'm a lurker not much of a poster. This is a sex 'problem' which feels ridiculous to post! I'm really sorry if it looks like a brag or something, it is not my intention at all.

I don't live with my DP/BF of over a year but we see each other frequently or at least speak every day if we can't see each other.
Everything is lovely. Kids have met and get on. He is great. We don't fall out about anything, still very much honeymoon period. Wink

Which lies the issue, I didn't want to post in sex forum Blush although it's a sex issue. He is not a sleazy guy, and he is very very respectful to me as a woman and a person. He would never send me an unsolicited dick pic etc or do anything I didn't like. But he's so dedicated to the art of sex that it's very driven and controlled instead of spur of the moment. This is so hard to explain... he likes to make the entire session last hours and hours. Sting and Trudy style. He clearly gives it a LOT of thought and although I appreciate getting spoilt, it's easy to get really tired and lose interest after a certain length of time. Which I then feel bad about because he's putting in so much effort. So he will sort me out first but make that last ages and then try to make himself last for a long period of time. I am trying new ingenious ways of ensuring he can't last!
I want to address it, and I have said to him before - how about a quicky? Or I will stop it because I'm hungry and need a rest, and he is fine with this. He doesn't get annoyed. But he doesn't seem to want a quicky, sometimes we miss opportunities to have sex because it won't be An Event Of Epic Proportion like a 3 hour action movie. The other day we didn't have very long but I was up for it, and he turned me down due to lack of time.

I don't want to hurt his (ego) feelings or his enjoyment thing he has that I clearly am a big part of Confused.

There is also a little part of me that although I appreciate being sexually worshipped, I feel like this is time spent that we could be you know, talking, or doing something else equally intimate.

I think he has insecurities that he hasn't really discussed and I am not sure he is really aware of them. He wants me to know he isn't just a 'nice guy' and isn't boring so is trying to prove this. I suspect he had crap sex with his ex wife and hasn't had much experience before that so at times I feel a bit like a sexual experiment Confused

Does any of this make sense? Am I being a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
XiCi · 18/02/2017 15:18

X post, God OP the more you post the worse it sounds, are you sure you want to stay with him?

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 15:21

I don't want to be submissive I think I have found myself here and realised it doesn't really turn me on. It's only recently got this intense although now I can see this is a build up.
I suppose I'm already at my limit but he probably won't be, and I don't want there to be any more boundary pushing. I don't want to be tied up.
I don't want him to agree to cull his own sexual urges if that's what he wants from sex, so I think I need to give him the option to go find someone else who will like it but I don't want to do this anymore in this way

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 15:26

Has been reading/ watching 50 shades and thinks it's what all women want....

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 15:28

I have made it clear I though in a conversation about that book and film that I am not interested in BDSM.

I've also made it clear as I do to all partners I've ever had I don't like being held down, hair yanked, spanked or any kind of roughness.
Thing is this is the most soft gentle 'torture' so it's gone under my radar....

OP posts:
Gallavich · 18/02/2017 15:35

He's objectifying you. His sexual preoccupation is quite worrying. It's not flattering that he's obsessed with the sex he does on your body, it's a sign that he's sexually preoccupied and views you as an object to act out his sexual desires onto.

Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 15:44

I have read the whole thread,wouldn't be surprised if he had a sex addiction ,in that he needs it a certain way to feel excited,I would of ended it a while back tbh

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 15:45

Do I end things? I have no idea what to do now. Outside of the bedroom he is super laid back easy going and a good listener who is very supportive. Is it worth being honest and hope we can get a better balance or if I should just cut my losses? I want to believe he would listen but I would always worry about some dark side lurking! I think I hoped it was some silly fantasy thing he wanted to do once or twice but it's now a monster!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 15:47

I feel objectified. I think he would feel awful if I told him this

OP posts:
Gallavich · 18/02/2017 15:48

I think you could try talking to him. He may be reflective and able to change his behaviour. I'm not convinced though.

Funnyonion17 · 18/02/2017 15:51

So he's preoccupied with the idea that good sex has to last forever and be a huge effort. Can't blame him really as men do tend to think lasting longer is best. But you need to address it as surely if he cares asuch about your we experience he will want you to be comfortable.

loveyoutothemoon · 18/02/2017 15:56

Are you sure it's just the sex? You say in all other ways it's lovely....are you used to this in relationships? Normally people go for the types that they've been with before, even if they aren't up to their expectations. Maybe it's not just the sex that is putting you off?

JK1773 · 18/02/2017 16:03

Gosh how controlling. That would put me off wanting sex with him at all.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 16:06

I have the full set of past abusive relationships and this one looked nothing like them. He's has made it sound he thinks I might get bored of him and want something more exciting Confused. Whereas I feel/felt like I had escaped DV, EA and sexual abuse and never want to go back. I want boring. I need boring. None of that was exciting.

OP posts:
Gallavich · 18/02/2017 16:09

You poor thing. It may be that he's trying to be a good lover but has no idea how to achieve that, or he's insecure that you might get bored of him. If that's the case then he will be receptive to a kind conversation about it.

category12 · 18/02/2017 16:29

Since you like him a lot, it's worth being honest.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 16:30

I should have said, he actually doesn't know most of it. He knows I had a hard time in the past but we've never discussed it in depth.

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 16:36

It's funny how we are all different...as I said I would of ended it ages ago...even more so after you just said about past relationships you have had....but you seem to want to work things out with him. all you have said would of freaked me out totally..it's like your a challenge,and he's obsessive....what else is he obsessive with??

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 16:38

He's not obsessive with anything I know of unless he's hiding something I don't know about.

I'm going to talk to him first and then see what path that takes, I do think there's enough there to work at this at the current time. I think it's got way out of control and he's not aware of how I feel about it. I have gone along with it mostly. But agree he hasn't listened when I have made suggestions so I am still wary. I will walk if it's the right thing, just not sure yet!

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 16:39

I think ,if you are able to have sex with him,you are able to talk about sex with him...put on yr big girl pants and tell him what you have told us...if he's a good en ,he will change immediately and apologise,problem solved..if he's a wrong un. You will know ,when he keeps doing stuff you've said no to x although I would be running for the hills in your shoes..all to intense for me

peaceout · 18/02/2017 16:42

he sounds fixated and obsessed, my concern would be that would want to take things to extremes and will want /need to escalate things in order to satisfy his craving for a high

he also seems worried about keeping you, I'd be concerned about how he would handle things if you did want to end the relationship

Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 16:42

Maybe don't take advice from me thou ....I saw 50 shades of gray and thought it was an abusive relationship and I would of been horrified if my daughter had been in a similar relationship..

standingupforitanywhere · 18/02/2017 16:52

I've spoken to DH about this again and again. Eventually it led to the end of sex btn us because that lack of sensitivity to what I was feeling and asking for was a killer.
My body feels like his playground, rather than it being something we enjoy together. I once managed to intensify things and speed them up, leaving us hot and sweaty and satisfied, I thought, but he was disappointed. I end up lying there planning shopping and getting bored.

Chesntoots · 18/02/2017 16:54

I think I understand how you feel. Can't really say any more as I think someone recognised me on here.

It is tedious and made me feel like a blow up doll... Instead of feeling sexy and wanted, I felt used.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 17:13

I can see how things go that way. It's initially sexy but it just seems like hard work after a while I can see how even the idea of knowing what's in store turns you off. Agree with 50 shades, I thought the same thing! It didn't seem like she wanted to do half that stuff but did to please him!?

I though of his good points too and the main reasons I haven't legged it yet.

  • he is a very lovely patient father to his kids
  • he treats his ex nicely with respect and never bad mouths her
  • his family are lovely and they all seem normal Wink
  • he is super kind and generous, nothing would be too much trouble to help someone
  • he's very funny
  • he's intelligent and we have a lot of the same interests
  • he gives me compliments and does very thoughtful things for me all the time (not in anticipation of sex)
  • he remembers things I tell him so I know he listens to me

I know what I would like things to look like, I am quite sure he doesn't want to admit he thinks premature ejaculation is one issue, along with feeling a little insecure and inexperienced with me. I'm not sure if he is jealous and controlling - I've never seen that side to him although I have picked up on comments he doesn't want me to label him as 'nice' because he equates that with boring Hmm

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/02/2017 17:18

He does sound lovely.

I think you should talk to him. Sounds like he is very approachable.