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Original poster

different ideas about sex

172 replies

Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 10:38

I'm a lurker not much of a poster. This is a sex 'problem' which feels ridiculous to post! I'm really sorry if it looks like a brag or something, it is not my intention at all.

I don't live with my DP/BF of over a year but we see each other frequently or at least speak every day if we can't see each other.
Everything is lovely. Kids have met and get on. He is great. We don't fall out about anything, still very much honeymoon period. Wink

Which lies the issue, I didn't want to post in sex forum Blush although it's a sex issue. He is not a sleazy guy, and he is very very respectful to me as a woman and a person. He would never send me an unsolicited dick pic etc or do anything I didn't like. But he's so dedicated to the art of sex that it's very driven and controlled instead of spur of the moment. This is so hard to explain... he likes to make the entire session last hours and hours. Sting and Trudy style. He clearly gives it a LOT of thought and although I appreciate getting spoilt, it's easy to get really tired and lose interest after a certain length of time. Which I then feel bad about because he's putting in so much effort. So he will sort me out first but make that last ages and then try to make himself last for a long period of time. I am trying new ingenious ways of ensuring he can't last!
I want to address it, and I have said to him before - how about a quicky? Or I will stop it because I'm hungry and need a rest, and he is fine with this. He doesn't get annoyed. But he doesn't seem to want a quicky, sometimes we miss opportunities to have sex because it won't be An Event Of Epic Proportion like a 3 hour action movie. The other day we didn't have very long but I was up for it, and he turned me down due to lack of time.

I don't want to hurt his (ego) feelings or his enjoyment thing he has that I clearly am a big part of Confused.

There is also a little part of me that although I appreciate being sexually worshipped, I feel like this is time spent that we could be you know, talking, or doing something else equally intimate.

I think he has insecurities that he hasn't really discussed and I am not sure he is really aware of them. He wants me to know he isn't just a 'nice guy' and isn't boring so is trying to prove this. I suspect he had crap sex with his ex wife and hasn't had much experience before that so at times I feel a bit like a sexual experiment Confused

Does any of this make sense? Am I being a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 17:19

Omg.you are the only person who has ever agreeded with me about 50 shades..everyone I know says it's a bit of fun..all I saw was a young innocent woman manipulated and in a abusive relationship,where he pulled the strings...I felt sick watching it and was jammed in a corner of the cinema and couldn't get out...

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 17:25

I don't want to watch it but I read 2 of the books. I didn't read the third because it got like Twilight which was also abusive IMO!
She doesn't want to lose him so does it and then does enjoy it but never seems to be fully on board with it, to me at least.

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 17:28

Yep same here,doing it to please him...just made me feel totally sick...as did all the women with bottles of gin,next to me dolled up for a night out,also watching the film and wishing for their own ,,whatever he was called...

Slimmingsnake · 18/02/2017 17:29

What's your plan? You did list a lot of things that make think think he sounds perfect...but then the sex...

FellOutOfBed2wice · 18/02/2017 17:34

I had an ex like this and in some ways it was amazing because the sex was never less than amazing. We had crazy chemistry anyway and every single time was like he was aiming for gold in the sex olympics.

That said, as you state it could get bloody boring, I would get sore at times and frankly sometimes I just wanted to do something else.

I was young and never addressed it because we broke up after three years and never lived together so it was never a problem in that it wasn't real life really. But I can't see how it would have carried on and I think you need to discuss it.

For what it's worth my ex was a very average joe, short and not especially hunky (although I found him very sexy) who had previously had a very dull sex life with his ex wife. I get the feeling that he was trying to prove through sex with me- to himself- that he was this amazing, sensual lover he had always wished he was. I was also younger and I think he felt he had to prove to me that I was worshipped.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 17:38

I'm going to initiate a conversation either when he touches on the subject (which he will) or when we are next alone and say that it would turn me on if I got to have some turns at being in charge of giving him pleasure, and that although I love our long sex sessions, sometimes I would like a quicky. I might add that I don't want us to get to an unhealthy point where this is all about my body pleasing him. I think I need to act less submissive in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 17:42

Fell I feel like this could be the same bloke! I find him sexy and he's good at sex, just this is either some deep dark fantasy or it's some Olympic ego prize (I would like to think the latter rather than former!)

OP posts:
category12 · 18/02/2017 18:12

Sounds like a plan.

I would recommend you don't tell him about your previous abuse at the moment tho, that's a separate conversation for another time.

See how he responds to you and if he makes changes. When someone is thwarted it reveals much.

flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 18/02/2017 18:20

Christ on a bike ! This sounds like DH, learnt most of this shite from pornos and took ages to train out of it ConfusedI still have issues when he constantly tries to grab or rub against me telling me I'm gorgeous or how great a body I have Hmm he insists he's just building my confidence but it's annoying after 20+ years I'm still training him. The puppy was trained and died quicker

I miss the dog.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 18:41

It is nice to be made to feel sexy but this doesn't really make you feel all that flattered! How did you train him out of it?

I have already stated to him, not asked that I want to go out next time we have alone time and are not staying in. I could just jump him and give a blow job when we get home and take charge but I will definitely not be awake half the night having sex.

I'm not sure I am ready to spill my guts on my past, I don't like being some kind of victim, it's in the past and I think he would find it hard to hear.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/02/2017 18:50

Oh gawd my exH was JUST like this. Every sexual encounter had to be a huge epic long experience of bouncing off the walls. I would get utterly exhausted and lose interest.
He thought he was doing a good thing - being a generous and giving partner - he just didn't get that a quickie can be just as much fun.
I never told him and we aren't together any more (for other reasons) but I empathise.

CocoaX · 18/02/2017 18:55

Keep your past to yourself till you are sure how this will play out and you trust he will listen and respond to what you are saying. Lovely as he may be in other ways, you are basically saying you have sex as he wants, every time, when he wants, till you are sore sometimes and would rather sleep.

That does not need a 'but' after it. If it does not stop after you raise the issue with him, it is abuse. I already think it sounds self-centred at best and controlling at worse.

There is nothing sexy about doing things you don't choose to for someone else's sexual pleasure Hmm. Regardless how you dress it up.

Blossomdeary · 18/02/2017 19:00

It sounds as though he has not got sex in proportion - we all like a bit of fun, but this sounds ghastly! Does he start with a flow diagram? What happened to spontaneity? To warmth? It all so so mechanistic. I think you really must talk to him about this and say "No Thanks - how about doing what I would like for a change?"

The one thing you need for sex is a sense of humour, and this all sounds so earnest!

I would definitely be looking for a new partner.

Badhairday1001 · 18/02/2017 19:41

I would try talking to him and just be very blunt don't leave any room for misunderstanding. At least you know then if you tell him straight and he carries on he is at least very selfish.
My ex was very similar and I also think it comes from watching porn and thinking that that's what woman want. It was fine at first when we first met but after our kids were born it became the end of our sex life. It was just so long and intense and boring, I just couldn't be bothered getting in to it when I had so much other stuff to do. I never actually spoke to him about it though so maybe things would have been different if I had.

VestalVirgin · 18/02/2017 19:48

My ex was very similar and I also think it comes from watching porn and thinking that that's what woman want.

In this case, you were lucky concerning the kind of porn he watched. Confused

Very weird that he wouldn't just, you know, ask.

Badhairday1001 · 18/02/2017 19:52

I know VestalVirgin. We had completely shit communication in general though.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 19:56

I haven't told him I don't like this stuff so he doesn't know. Agree if I tell him and nothing changes that it is over. I won't stay

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 00:21

It came up in convo this eve. I said that I wanted a night to be more of what I want to do, and less of what he wants (in a nice way). I said I would very much like to take the lead. He's agreed. He said he Iiked the sound of it. Let's see shall we!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 19/02/2017 07:56

Good start!

disappearingfish · 19/02/2017 08:05

What else do you do together, or have in common? The constant talking about/hinting about sex would be incredibly tedious to me.

CocoaX · 19/02/2017 08:55

Yes, remember you also said you want to go out next time you have alone time, so it is not just about the sex. You need to take your time and see what you taking the lead looks like in practice - your quickie or you expected to lead a marathon. Maybe he will be happy for the pressure to be off too!

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 09:37

Yep we are going out too, I said where I would like to go and he agreed that too.

We have been to many interesting places, he's brilliant at thinking of good things to do and places to go.

It came up in convo because he instigated it 🙄 And that's when I took the chance to say I would like to take the lead. I think actually in reality he will find it hard to do, then that's time for another conversation.

OP posts:
AllTheLight · 19/02/2017 09:39

Sounds good OP. Hope it works out for you one way or another.

Gottabeaneasierway · 19/02/2017 09:39

Hope things improve. I can't believe you have put up with this for over a year.

Elendon · 19/02/2017 09:46

My ex was like this too. At the beginning it was all orgasms and sex and it was very satisfying but it then went into being all about wanting to gaze and give me satisfaction via oral, which went on so long sometimes I felt numb in the end. He was anti porn and insisted his pleasuring of me was because he wanted to hear me have an orgasm. He loved that. His orgasm was a mere squeak, squeak, squeak. It irritated me after 10 years. Despite me telling him that sometimes a quick fumble under the sheets was very exciting, he ignored it. It was all about him and his love for me and how he wanted me to be fully satisfied.

He left for someone else in the end. She's very welcome to him and his exceedingly long sex sessions (now they have twins to look after).