I am RAGING

[Iamfuckingraging]

Ladies help me, I've had an argument with dp and he has said some really really hurtful things. How do you all calm yourself down when you cannot believe what has been said??? I'm pasing, I have no wine in the fridge, my jaw is taking all the stress and tensions and I feel like its about to fall off (I unconsciously grind my teeth when angry)

How do you all woosah? For what it's worth I literally never get angry, it's takes so much to get me there and in this instance it has.

Please give me woke pointers before I rip my own hair out and pull doors off the hinges.

Also I have no children in the house so please don't worry about that.

Tyia 😠😭

Don't give any ultimatum, the quicker you get him out the better. He's sucking the life out of you.

I hope you are ok OP and taking care of yourself x

You're still wasting your rage on, well, raging. Direct it towards achieving his removal. If that's what you choose, of course? If you're hoping for him to see the light, you're in for a long wait. Did you give him his marching orders earlier or has that been lost in the futility of engaging with tit for tat shit?

Be like a broken record. "I want you to leave now". Over and over again. No matter what is said, that is your response. Or call 101 for assistance with his removal. If that's what you want, of course.

How are you after the weekend?

I know a lot of you are going to kill me...

We had words and he is scrapping his current counselling and going to a more intense psychotherapy or something like that.

He knows he is wrong.

He said Saturday when he came back drinking whiskey he was trying to torture himself, I asked why, he couldn't say, he didn't know the answer. I suggested he tried to torture himself because in his subconscious he knows he was wrong.

The reason my jaw goes and I get the runs and I am at my nerves end is because I believe I have unfortunately developed mild PTSD.

I also tried to get him to open up as to why he does not like to be left alone... his answer is I go into dark places, I answered and where are these dark places? He said... childhood/Afghanistan/Iraq (he also suffers with combat PTSD) I explained to him I am not his safe zone, he has given me an invisible responsibility which I wasn't aware of, it's unfair and it's not real. The man needs help, which he knows. He knows he fell off the wagon with regards to the EA and he sees what it has done to me.

I have cleared explained I am your partner, I am not your doctor, I cannot take away any mental issues you suffer with, all I can do is support you but you have to stop giving me these invisible responsibility's, I am becoming increasingly ill with all the pressure you are applying to me.

He has an ultimatum, if he wants us and to get better, I believe he will do whatever he takes. I have told him another episode of this behaviour and I'm well gone, I have to protect myself.

I have 'Mind' counseling assessment this week and I am also attending the local freedom programme.

What do you all think?

I think you are being an idiot! This isn't your husband of 20 years who you have 3 children and a massive history with. This is a BOYFRIEND of 1 year. And he has spent most of that year abusing you. Life shouldn't be this hard. Especially not a year into the relationship.

I think it would be a very bad idea to have children with this man. So if you must stay then you need to accept that you will never have children.

Mumoftwoyoungkids I understand your point and it's made well.

I may go to the freedom programme and also my counseling and have a change of heart. Maybe I just need some help to leave.... maybe I will see sense, it's so easy to say when your on the outside, it's harder being here 😫

You need to do things in your own time OP - this is your life, and we are just names on the internet - even though we empathise. Just keep your options open.

Dear fucking god, you have known this prick a year and you are'nt allowed to go out on your own if he is in the house because of his 'abandonment issues'?

He is a master manipulator and playing you like a fiddle.

Where the hell is your pride and self respect? How can you possibly respect him?

You are feeding off the drama, you need to shit or get off the pot, and for gods sake do not have a child with him, you'll never be rid of him and the kid will be a fuck up with you two as parents.

Show some pride and grow up.

I'm feeding off the drama? Completely not true...

Get off the pot? I don't smoke weed, never have.

Be a fuck up as us two as parents? Thanks for judging me...

Like I'm not fucking low enough without some random stranger over the internet putting me down more, nice one 👍 just the advice I needed that!

kaitlinktm thank you babe, I will get help and build my self up physiologically, see sense and then probably leave.

I'm feeling like mega turd at the moment, dissapointed, ashamed, alone, and PP comments haven't helped at all... I KNOW I HAVE FUCKED UP OK! PEOPLE GET THEMSELVES IN SHIT AND MAY NEED HELP TO GET THEMSELVES OUT OF IT!

Psychologically*

OP you said it yourself, it's easier to say when you're on the outside looking in. However, a lot of posters have been in your current situation, myself included, and are advising you based on experiences we've had.

My ex said the abusive things he did were to hurt and punish himself, but they hurt and punished me more! I have children with my ex, I love them dearly, more than life but hand on my heart, if I could go back in time I would never have had children with that man. I do my utmost to protect them from the worst of his fuckwittery but unfortunately he has rights and he exercises those rights when it suits him.

And I haven't written anything with any intention of upsetting you or to put you down but from everything that you've posted you could be dating my ex!

LinghamStyle I understand that.

I'm sorry you had go through that awful experience 😢 but what do I do if he genuinely wants help? He is going to pay for this all privately.

No it wasn't intended towards yourself hun my apologies

Sorry but I have been there, yes it's hard but I also know they don't actually change. Counselling can help for a while but for these issues to be affecting you so deeply so early into the relationship would only suggest that they're actually much deeper reaching than you are yet experiencing, go to Freedom and realise he isn't some special snowflake trapped by his mental health - you are. His issues are sad, but because that is his story doesn't mean it should be yours. Until he is healthy (which you have to understand he probably won't ever be, severe mental health problems rarely go away completely, they're just managed to one degree or another) he can not be in a relationship, he needs to put his time and energy into himself so that any relationship is built on firm foundations not co-dependence.

If he genuinely wants help and he genuinely wants the best for you then he should go and get the help he needs away from you. If he gets to a point where his MH is stable and he can treat you how you deserve to be treated then you could try again.

Unfortunately as InTheRedTent has said, it's unlikely that will happen. He doesn't need to get better whilst he's with you.

I'm sorry OP, I really do feel for you and I know how much it hurts

So are you honestly telling me no one could ever change?

Can I ask in all seriousness how do you know if your on the verge of a mental breakdown? I have other home issues at the moment I'm trying to juggle and I feel like my brain is literally going to burst from my skull

Sorry x posted with yours LinghamStyle

Yes I think that is a good idea...

Thing is though I need him at moment due to my mum and dad going away, we are both supposed to be watching there dog (as well as mine) and we both agreed to do it. I can't do it all on my own 😫

LinghamStyle I've told him I won't cope anymore with the leaving me on my own malarkey and not being able to drive away, I'm going to do it all... if he can't cope or he starts with EA I'm off. I'm seriously just going to crack on like a normal relationship and if he starts I'm gone.

Well, good luck OP, I hope it works out for you. Set your boundaries but be prepared for him to continually try to push them, this will be both mentally and physically exhausting for you on top of your pre-existing condition. I just hope that either way you'll come out the other side relatively unscathed. Take care x

Of course "random strangers" are going to judge you on the internet when you put your shit out there, and where one earth did I mention weed?

Having seen your updates you clearly just want to be told there there "hun", oh and not everyone here is a lady.

You have known him 5 minutes and he already has you under control, you won't leave, these posts are always the same, randomers tell you he's no good and to leave and then the OP comes back with various excuses as to why he really is'nt a dick.

You both need to grow up and move on.

You ask can people not change?

Some can. Some can't.

Sorry to say from mine and other's experience, he's a can't.

Added to which it's not YOUR responsibility to make him better, it's his!

What you say about the critical state of your own mental health I cannot urge you strongly enough to tell him you'll support him as he goes through counselling but you want him to move out whilst he does it as all the hoo-har is making you ill. You need to take care of yourself because the worse your mental health gets, the more vulnerable you will become to his fuckwitery.

I think you need to have a serious plan of how to extricate yourself from this relationship if he does start with the EA again. You don't want to be back here asking the question again at that crucial time, should it occur. Get your ducks in a row now so it doesn't seem like a big scary step should you need to take it.

You might not want to hear it, but I think he should get his help away from you - I'm talking a few months of no contact - to sort himself out, then see if you can be together. He's been using you as a crutch and sometimes a real shift is needed to change that dynamic.

From my own experience, which is far less severe than yours, my DP at the time had MH issues and promised to get help as they were seriously affecting me and my life. He didn't get help - he said it to keep me on side - and I caught him in a lie when he was telling me about going to see a counsellor. I left and felt relief and freedom. I've never looked back.

He needs to be committed to helping himself, not to do it as a way to please you.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, but it might resonate so worth mentioning. I wish you well.

Dear god its so sad how desperate some women are to put up with manipulative wankers like this.
Totally agree with Memyself, that you are being an absolute idiot but if you want to waste your time and mental health on this tosspot then go for it.
I am hoping my own dd has more sense than to put up twats like your dp.