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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am RAGING

175 replies

Iamfuckingraging · 17/02/2017 20:30

Ladies help me, I've had an argument with dp and he has said some really really hurtful things. How do you all calm yourself down when you cannot believe what has been said??? I'm pasing, I have no wine in the fridge, my jaw is taking all the stress and tensions and I feel like its about to fall off (I unconsciously grind my teeth when angry)

How do you all woosah? For what it's worth I literally never get angry, it's takes so much to get me there and in this instance it has.

Please give me woke pointers before I rip my own hair out and pull doors off the hinges.

Also I have no children in the house so please don't worry about that.

Tyia 😠😭

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 18/02/2017 09:04

Well, as much as you can judge from words on a screen that sounds like a good call.

Whatever sympathy you want to have for his upbringing, bottom line - if he's not in a fit state to be in a relationship (and he isn't) he shouldn't be in one.

He has somewhere to go (not that that is your problem). Cheap hotel or AirBnB whilst he sorts out renting a room / flat.

Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 09:05

How do I approach this now? How do I show him I've had enough, I have never left him so he thinks he can say whatever the f he wants and it will all be ok...

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 18/02/2017 09:09

It's your house, make him leave!!!!

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2017 09:09

You said it's your house, so I don't understand why you feel you should be the one to leave. Shouldn't you tell him it's over and he should leave?

rainbowstardrops · 18/02/2017 09:13

It's your house!!!!! Tell him to bugger off and not to come back until he treats you like a decent human being! Or just to bugger off full stop!
You can not be held responsible for his MH issues.

Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 09:14

I just said to him you have pushed me away enough, his response was the same... all I ask was for some support he said 🤔 Ladies I've supported him endlessly for the year I have known him, I literally sacrificed my own MH and well-being to help him get better.... TF! I shouted you ungrateful little basket! You better find somewhere else to live.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 18/02/2017 09:17

I agree with your decision to end this relationship. Ellisandra put it very well. Some things cannot be unsaid and it sounds like he's just burned the last of his bridges with his latest responses. There's little to be gained from trying to make him understand your feelings - he can't. Stay as calm as you can and tell him to leave. No negotiations or several weeks' notice. Non-engagement is kind of what he's established now and keeping it clear and simple is key.

Ellisandra · 18/02/2017 09:19

You've only known him a year.
Way too soon to let someone move in when you've had this complicated a year with them!

You dump him, and tell him to be out by tonight.

I'd give longer for a relationship where it just wasn't working, no-one's fault. But this arsehole is abusing you in your own home! Throw him out, and if he refuses, call the police on 101 and take advice.

Pollyanna9 · 18/02/2017 09:21

Yes, HE needs to leave the house. This weekend.

The very fact that he is quite ok for you to drive off when you drop him to work (that's something that HE wants to do) but it 'affects/upsets him deeply and upsets him' if you go somewhere that's something that YOU want to do!

It's manipulative and unpleasant.

You need to get his bag/suitcase out and tell him to start packing - that should be more than a hint that you need him to leave.

I've been in this kind of relationship - I can tell you from bitter experience, you'll never be able to do enough, explain stuff in quite the 'right' way to get him to change. Then you'll go through ENDLESS cycles of he's nice, he's a twat, he's nice, he's a twat, he gets better, he relapses - over and over and over again until literally years of your precious life will have gone by. People like this can't be changed and it's not our fault, they just can't change, end of. The behaviour won't improve, likely it will get worse over time.

LexieLulu · 18/02/2017 09:23

When you say he's been really good recently, have you been able to leave him and pop the shops etc? Or has it just been good cause you've been his dancing monkey

Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2017 09:23

I think what you said early on re always helping an animal explains a lot about how you let a man play on your sympathies. Because the animal is dependent, effectively helpless, you have a strong urge to help it, which is lovely. So what does a guy do who wants your attention? Turns into a little lost puppy who needs your help.

That's not to say his issues aren't real, but as a rational human being he has to know they are his issues, not yours. He should be working on them instead of blaming you. He was working on his issues, you say? When you had had enough and said it was get help or get out? And then it was all sweetness and light for a bit, and hope for the future, until the next episode.

I'll just leave this link here in case you find it useful.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 09:26

I need to take time to approach this and process it. There's a bloody locksmith coming today (landlord has sorted it) and I don't want to see anybody 😢

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 18/02/2017 09:32

If the locksmith is coming today, this would be an ideal time to make sure there are no spare keys available. He is not an animal in need of rescue; he isn't rational either. After a year he is - in my view - a boyfriend, not a pet or a partner. How about he leaves and then you start to process what happened to your life this last year? You can't process something while its ongoing.

Bleurghghghgh · 18/02/2017 09:34

I don't have any useful advice but I wanted to try and pass on mentally the strength to tell him to piss off today! I'll be thinking of you today OP x

Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 09:38

Ladies thank you all so much, it's weird and comforting how support via MN is helping so thank you for taking the time to post ❤ I told him to go and live somewhere else so he has to arrange it now... xx

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/02/2017 09:46

Lots of wise words here. A man who uses his mental illness to beat you with, to blame and control you, to manipulate... well, he's not a man to be with.

He sounds like he takes, takes, takes, and when he sees your attention wandering he engineers a big showdown (a tantrum!) that gets your focus back entirely on him.

This is about control and selfishness. He doesn't appear to care how much he hurts you as he deliberately creates this nastiness to get you back completely focused on him. The way he's acting shows that his 'wants' are more important to him than you are. Selfish, it's all so... ugly.

You need to find some beauty and kindness in the world. This persons ugly heart and ugly actions are turning your whole world sour.

You'll end up with mental health problems yourself at this rate. And living like this cannot be good for your own physical health either.

ChishandFips33 · 18/02/2017 10:27

Absolutely don't leave if it's your place - esp after only a year. This is too short a time with someone to be putting up with this and suffering as a result

Keep all the new keys in your immediate possession

Pack his bags and offer to drop him off at his mates

Wallow in the peace of your own space - physically and mentally. Nurture yourself better

ChishandFips33 · 18/02/2017 10:28

How long have you had chronic pain?

Has it worsened since being in this relationship - stress does funny things to the body as well as the mind so you may see some improvement when he goes Flowers

LinghamStyle · 18/02/2017 10:43

Look after yourself OP, it's hard enough dealing with a medical condition without having to cope with someone else's.

You've already been given very good advice on here and all I can add (based on personal experience) is that if you've made your decision about telling him to leave then you need to stick with it. If you let yourself be swayed by his sob stories and apologies and promises to change (and they WILL come) it will only be worse next time (and there WILL be a next time) because in his mind you're prepared to put up with any shit he throws at you. And you deserve better than that.

Take care x

Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 11:03

Quick update- he got dressed. I said so who's picking you up then? Don't worry about me he said, I'm going away for a few days, I'll be back... I blew and said well fuck off then, don't you dare take any keys because your not getting back in... I'm going to walk out on you like all your ex's have and I'm doing it with a smile on my face... I said go fuck off you heartless twat, he left, I rang my mum crying asking her why my boundaries are pathetic. I'm ashamed of myself, my crying slowed as I explained to her if I don't do something about myself I'll be walked on for the test of my life. I do however get to a point of no return (previous relationships prove this) and I said to my mum he is pushing me to this point mum. I was on the phone to mum and he walked in the back way. I walked in and he was looking for something... I said what you doing? He was shaking, he opened 2 small bottles of whisky and poured them into a cup, I looked him in the eye and said don't be silly! He broke down crying... I said what's up? I bent down he looked at me and said your not the only one with problems you know! I said well tell me then...

He walked off and put the key back in the front door, grabbed the dog held him for a while and said I want to be left alone. I said fine.

He took himself into the bedroom shut the curtains and is currently sat jamming sway on his guitar (think this relaxes him)

Anyway just because he has broken down I don't want him thinking oh it's ok I'm crying now so it's all ok, it doesn't excuse his behavior believe me.

My pain has reached its highest level at the moment, having to use my crutch to walk due to stress. I'm sat on the sofa glaring out with a CUPOT with e-cig

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 11:06

I do deserve better, I'm s bloody nice human being! It takes a lot for me to compliment myself but I can say that confidently.

Massive massive hugs to all who is giving me advice. Genuinely can't even thank you all enough 😚😚😚❤❤❤❤

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 11:08

I've suffered with chronic pain from the age of 16+ I've been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease (hereditary) 👎

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamfuckingraging · 18/02/2017 11:09

Certainly has worsened since being in a relationship with him, sad but true... basically self harming aren't I. I AM AN ABSOLUTE NUTCASE AND NEED MY HEAD TESTING

OP posts:
NoelHeadbands · 18/02/2017 11:20

Go up and ask him what time he's leaving.

Seriously, stop being a martyr. You keep saying you're not a punchbag, you won't put up with xxxx etc, but that's exactly what you are doing? Why do you think this will make things any better?

BrownEyedLady · 18/02/2017 11:28

A temporary change of behaviour from him over the past couple of weeks should not be the deciding factor in your decisions for the future. Look at the overall pattern of behaviour over the past few months/year. It sounds like you both need support for your different health issues, but you are providing all the support and have none for yourself. So you are actually in a worse situation, from that perspective, than if you were on your own. Helping his abandonment issues by never leaving him alone does not sound like a reasonable solution to me - you have to be able to have your own life and a reasonable amount of freedom/independence from him.