I am RAGING

[Iamfuckingraging]

Ladies help me, I've had an argument with dp and he has said some really really hurtful things. How do you all calm yourself down when you cannot believe what has been said??? I'm pasing, I have no wine in the fridge, my jaw is taking all the stress and tensions and I feel like its about to fall off (I unconsciously grind my teeth when angry)

How do you all woosah? For what it's worth I literally never get angry, it's takes so much to get me there and in this instance it has.

Please give me woke pointers before I rip my own hair out and pull doors off the hinges.

Also I have no children in the house so please don't worry about that.

Tyia 😠😭

NoelHeadbands I'm allowing us both some space and time to chill as it clearly just reached boiling point and then I'm going to have the chat about when he is going, he looks mega messed up at the moment and I don't feel it's human to go and pressure him when he is leaving

BrownEyedLady your very correct! I will be putting an end to this relationship when the time is right ❤

How do you all get on with your day during an argument? My head is so fuzzed, I feel sick, my jaw is killing, my tummy is upside down...

You can't. You only get these kind of arguments in an unhealthy relationship, though. You don't have them when you're single and you don't have them in healthy relationships.

When my DH and I disagree or argue I feel slightly sad and pushed out and I mull over my side of it, but that's all. And we almost always resolve it within a couple of days max. I don't feel horrible in my tummy or experience stress-related symptoms like jaw clenching - I did with my ex, every time. But it's not an ordinary feeling, it's a sign something is very wrong.

He's playing his guitar? Doesn't sound like he's in a state to me.

He really needs to leave, he's dragging out the pain

This is EA. Similar situation between me and ExH. Tell him to go to his friend's and bag the rest of his stuff for him to collect when he returns. If he's doing better with his job can he afford a hotel/house share while he looks for somewhere permanent? If not, give him a month before he has to fuck off. You - both your sense of self and your needs are important and he's trampling all over them. Don't listen to his sob stories; don't take him on at all. It's feeding his sense of being the only important person in this relationship. Wishing you strength.

He won't leave unless you explicitly tell him to. So if you want him to leave, go and tell him!

You've agreed that you deserve better, so time to get what you deserve.

Yes, you'll feel bad about it because you're a good and decent person, and he's such a wounded soul but that doesn't mean you should put up with it.

all this raging and crying isn't the way to do it. You need to calmly tell him to leave and really, actually, really mean it! Cold, calm, collected ... and follow through.

See, to me the way he's reacted hints that he isn't as upset or anxious as he's making out. You are so stressed your jaw is aching and you don't know what to do with yourself, yet he's had a couple of shots of whisky and is jamming on his guitar. You're way more upset than he is. Put it this way, if you aren't together he'll still be feeling the same as being in a relationship, by his account, makes him anxious. But you'd feel much better.

He sounds an awful lot like he knows exactly how to play you to get what he wants.

He has you trained to be at his beck and call. You dared to step outside of those rules by wanting to do something in 'his' time so threw his toys out of the pram. Normally that would get you back in check but this time you said enough. He waited for you to back down and you didn't, so he escalates his threat by bigger bouts of drama. He gets 5 mins down the road before realising that you aren't following his begging for his forgiveness so has to come back and play the distraught card to get back in the door and pull on your sympathy strings.

He has you exactly where he wants you and this cycle will continue until you reset the balance and force a change.

He thinks it's all fine now doesn't he?

He'll sulk for a while in his room and then allow himself to be comforted by you. Whilst making sure that you feel selfish and mean for not putting his (every whim) terribly important 'needs' first in everything you do. Oh and I bet he throws in a suicide threat to seal the deal.

I hope you find the strength to split up with him. You are being manipulated. And yes, you are worth more!

You can feel sorry for someone, and care for someone, and want the best for them... and still split up with them. Please remember that.

Don't blame yourself for being a kind hearted, empathetic lovely human being and don't try to change you - the world needs more people like you.
The problems are his, he's a user and always will be, let him go.

In future don't let people share your home until you know them inside out.
and only then if you must
Your lovely empathetic, sensitive character needs sanctuary from the
stresses of life, the dross and people users.
Have a read of 'The Highly Sensitive Person.' by Elaine N Aron

It's disgusting that he just walked back in like that. But it shows you what he really thinks. That you don't mean it. That his problems are the only problems worthy of attention. I'm praying that just for a short time, now, this w/e, you can don a different costume that is actually about protecting the Real you, not exploiting it as he does. The costume is the one made of steel and iron that does what is necessary to protect you when you clear your space of invaders.

This is YOUR home, YOUR car and YOUR life. He thinks he owns all of them. Use that fury rather than waste it. It's the distracting and diverting of it that makes you cry, the inner distress and discomfort of complying with his behaviour is nothing short of self-torture.

Currently, YOU are the pup he is kicking. It's time to rescue YOU.

LlamaDrama can I reset the balance and force a change whilst I am with him? Or would it actually take me to leave?

He came in and spooned me and I just lay there, he put his hand on me and I didn't react.

He left to go into the bedroom.

I said I need to say something... I explained what he had just done over the past 12 hours is EA, I said to him... don't ever try and use to "I just don't want to be alone" card in order to emotionally manipulate me to get what you want, because we both know you have been alone before" no words were spoken back from him so I continued... " ,I think it's absolutely disgusting the way you can treat and talk to another human being, is that love? (His name) is it fuck" he didn't say a thing as I walked out.

I've made the decision in my head (and I truly mean this) for him to move out to show him I will not put up with this sort of behavior, yes he was good for 2 weeks but 2 weeks means fuck all after last night.

I explained to him his EA has reared its ugly head again and I will give him time to have a think about what I just said... I am going to grab some toast (I haven't eaten since yday morning) then I am going to go back in and tell him to look for alternative living arrangements. Will keep you updated.

Your all 100% correct and I will continue to re read all your posts in order for me to 'see the light'

Thank you all SO SO much again ❤❤

He's not upset....stomping in, hugging the dog, pouring whisky into a cup.... it's all manipulation to get you back on track to feeling sorry for him

I wish u could see this clearly he's pulling you back in with sad face and spooning. Hoovering u back up. And ur so grateful he's being nice u are softening towards him. Hope u get stronger and manage to get him away from you before it gets any worse

If he's swigging whisky (and playing guitar? Did I read that earlier?) he has no intentions of thinking about anything today other than self-indulgence. Nor does he intend to leave. Not at all. I mean, how could he? Half way to drunk and supposed to find somewhere to live? Then of course there'll be more tears. Whisky induces that too, I think. Make sure that spare key in the front door is removed so he can't get it back later. Polish up that suit of armour and get ready to evict this user!

Only you can decide whether you can change your relationship while you are still together. You'll have to lay down firm ground rules and stick to them fiercely.

Things such as if you choose to help/visit/socialise with someone other than him in the evening, then you have the right to. Part of his journey needs to be him accepting that is normal, and learning that you may go out, but you do come back.

The set up that you have isn't normal or healthy for either of you.

He's manipulating you by being the defenceless puppy dog.

He's worked out what makes you tick and is taking full advantage of your kind, caring nature. That's not the sign of a person who loves and cares for the other person

You need to see this through and stick to your guns, for your own health and well-being because no-one is looking out for you!

Every time you push for him to leave, this is the scene that will play out - over and over again.

The kindest thing for both of you is to let him go in your head/him move out and move on with your life

Take back the control he is slowly removing from you

You all make so much sense! I've told him, I said I'd never see me saying this but you haven't changed and I can't take it anymore, iv gone to the ends of the earth for you and it still isn't enough! Nothing well ever change you, you will realise what you had when it's too late believe me. He said he is sorting alternative arrangements.

Apparently I'm still the out of order one for "breaking a promise" a promise that I supposedly made that I wouldn't have anything to do with my SIL dog 😖 so I'm the bad guy for breaking that promise... sorry but am I going nuts or is he deluded? Telling me I can't help out the dog because he will feel second best 😫 tf! Also he said to me "you just do whatever you want, you always do anyway" what he meant by doing whatever I want is choosing to drive the dog, not staying out until 4am kidding lads and sniffing coke do whatever you want.. honestly! I hardly even drink! I never go out with mates on the piss... I don't smoke... by do whatever you want means I'm made to feel guilty to make my own life choices 🖕🖕

Kissing*

Please don't take him back, OP. The first post alone was dealbreaker enough for me - "How do I move past things that can't be unsaid? I don't." or "What do I do with a man who cries 'Stay with me always and never leave me alone or I might smash your car', answer being: You show him the door."

Get that locksmith back to change the locks to keep him out.

Tell him it's over.

Don't worry ANY more about his claims of delicate mental health, including the ever popular and common threats of suicide. He will be just fine, although bruised he has lost his verbal punching bag.

You have tried and he does not want to try. He wants you to keep pandering to him while he 'feels so alone' if you ever dare to have a moment of your life that doesn't involve him.

You're strong enough to recognise it, now be strong enough to get rid.

"Also he said to me "you just do whatever you want, you always do anyway""

Yes. And clearly he doesn't like women who "do what they want."

You're too good for him, OP. He doesn't want a strong woman who knows her own mind, so hell try and beat you down claiming you 'broke promises' or 'are hurting him' with his delicate baby needs.

All that begging is a bit unattractive isn't it? :p Strong people generally like other strong people - independent, know their own mind, content - and he is this whimpering little weakling begging you not to spend time with a dog in case he "gets lonely" or sniffling that he's got to come first, or else. Yuk.

I would suggest leaving off with the lengthy speeches, though, the more you say the more he'll think he's winning. Don't waste your breath with any ends-of-the-earth lectures, just chuck him a bag and wait for him to go. The less talk the better. Anything you say, he will twist. Then he'll probably start crying and begging.

I smell a wee spot of gaslighting there, insisting you made a promise that you know jolly well you never made. It's a well-recognised manipulative technique.

He's just a tosser. You would be well rid. He sounds incredibly draining.