I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

Hi OP

My question was actually whether this issue could be solved by your DH not giving a deadline by when he'll be back, so that you can get on with your evening without waiting for him?

Would that work?

It still seems to me your issues are with him going out. I completely agree that it's unreasonable to not contact you, but if he had last night at 8 or so would he have got a 'where have you been?! What time are you coming home?!' or an 'ok, see you when you get home'. If it's the former, I can see why he didn't get in contact. If it's the latter, then he was being unreasonable.

But everything you have said so far strongly suggests It would have been the former.

I still don't understand what makes you anxious about him lying and drinking to excess though? Bottom line, what's the worst that could happen? The 'lying' could be avoided by not giving him a curfew in the first place. So what's the worst thing about it? What do you imagine it says about him/you/your relationship? What's the worst thing about him drinking too much?

I'm with you OP. He is being immature, selfish and lying to his own children and letting you all down. I would also be very angry.

It's about having respect for you and his own children, and not being so self absorbed. He was the one saying he would be home at 7pm. The OP was not controlling him just believing what he said! Then being let down and the family waiting and waiting for him before settling down for the night disappointed. It's just heartless.

To top it all to get on a later train, and then have another drink is staggering. He only cares about himself, yet he is a father who only sees his kids 2 nights a week but can't make an effort to get home. Drink seems to come first. Not acceptable in my book.

I can't believe some of the posts on here which show no understanding of the OP and her situation but happily side with a selfish drunk.

I am not sure that "anxious" is the right word. OP has said that she is not fearful that something is happening to him, it is the disrespect towards her which she is "anxious" about.

Anxiety is fear that something bad is going to happen. That doesn't appear to be the OP's issue. Her issue is that he is disrespectful to her and as we've all seen from her threads this makes her very, very angry.

So basically if he doesn't toe the line OP is furious, threatening divorce and posting notes on her front door because he has "disrespected" her.

Sounds like she has anger management issues rather than anxiety to me.

OP you think your DH doesn't care about your feelings? Surely you could reverse that too? You do not care about your DH feeling free(ish) for a night, and not have that nagging worry about you getting very angry and upset with him for being out. So angry that you pin a note on front door telling him you're done?

It seems like you assume your feelings trump his. It shouldn't be like that. I don't even know why this scenario has become so supercharged with feelings? I get you being irritated with him not coming home when he said he will, but simple solution to that is for you to stop imposing a limit. It sounds like occasional nights out of drinking, a very common type of night out. And a very common trope that the 'just a quick drink' plan lasts much longer.

But they go sour because you are imposing limits (you mentioned three things you ask of him: not to drink too much, to come home earlyish and to keep in contact with you) that in the real world are extremely unrealistic and for a grown up, unecessary.

Each of his evenings out are being set up to fail presently. But until you look honestly (and painfully) at yourself in this specific scenario things won't really improve. Unless your husband forgoes evenings out full stop.

I'm with you cafesociety!!! It's all about showing respect for your family by being home when expected unless you have said different

I do think there would be far fewer people agreeing with the OP if she were a man trying to control his wife in this way.

That's an astute point GertrudeBelle.

Pressed post too soon. I meant astute point about it seeming more like anger (through loss of control) than anxiety.

I find all these posts about it being about respect/ lack of respect baffling. I never really understand the way that term is used (someone does something that annoys you and you immediately jump to feeling disrespected?)

I think the thing this scenario most resembles is a power struggle.

I can see both sides.

If he doesn't intend to be back for a certain time then he shouldn't promise he'll be back for your DD going to bed. You can't begrudge him going out but on an all dayer, when he's got a kid? I think he needs to grow up a bit. Why can't he go out after they've gone to bed? He doesn't see them much does he?

Has he wet the bed since?

Just wanted to say thank you to those who have shown some compassion and understanding. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since my early teens and have used ADs and CBT in the past.

loveyou he generally starts work late morning so has the mornings with them instead of the evenings I guess and obviously on his days off. No he hasn't wet the bed again.

Anxiety is fear that something bad is going to happen. That doesn't appear to be the OP's issue. Her issue is that he is disrespectful to her and as we've all seen from her threads this makes her very, very angry

Anxiety can present itself in all raft of ways, including anger.

Judging from her contributions in this thread, I would say op's anger is a symptom of some sort of anxiety disorder.

Obviously that is pseudo psychology as I am only going off about 5 posts. Maybe her husband really is a twat and maybe she really should leave him.

And no, I'm not ok with him going out at 9am and saying don't wait up I don't know when I'll be back. I get that's my issue but we have discussed it on numerous occasions and he's agreed to put my mind at rest by giving a rough idea and getting touch if that changes. I've tried to keep my end of the bargain but really feel he's taken the piss.

Drinks after work, means drinks after work not a bloody night out! And not after you have told your wife you will be home in time for your children's bedtime...and told them too! It is civilised and courteous to keep promises and keep to your word to the people you purport to love. And it was a self imposed curfew not a demand from the OP.

A night out is different obviously, that is relaxed and more open ended of course.....even then there should be courtesy calls if a train is missed/having a great time/kipping a friends etc. Just to stop the other person worrying about accidents etc. No wonder the OP gets alarmed when drink is involved, he is having an unhealthy relationship with it.

In that case OP you should initiate a split - or prepare for him to throw in the towel when he can't take this anymore.

You need someone who will do exactly what you want. That person is not your DH, who clearly craves a bit more freedom than you are prepared to allow.

Or you could take on board the opinions of many people here and start working on yourself as well as demanding more from your DH. Own your issues. Go and get therapy for anger management.

By the way, what was your end of the bargain?

Cafe - the OP has just said that she's not okay with him not setting a curfew or staying out late. So he has to set one. Then he has to stick to it or else she is absolutely raging.

And yes, drinks after work is often a night out of you work in a sociable environment with friends you like.

My end of the bargain was to relax when he's going out (or at least try to hide my anxiety!) and to leave him to it when he's out with no nagging etc. I held my end yesterday. When he rang asked him if he was having fun, told him about my day etc then HE said he'd be home for the girls bedtime, I didn't ask. And I didn't try to ring him til much past bedtime.

OP, it would be helpful if you could link to the original thread (unless it was in 30 days only) because this post in isolation makes you look quite OTT.

Having said that though, lying and drinking to excess is without a doubt reprehensible behaviour. I'd be pissed off if my DH went AWOL with his phone switched off for three hours.

I strongly suspect you guys should maybe look into counselling as your anxiety reactions make you sound hard to live with and his drinking and fibbing sounds hard for you to live with too. You guys probably spark off each other negatively which is probably the fuel for his immature behaviour.

Tell me if I'm wrong OP but without the previous thread I'm guessing xx

That's hardly a fair deal from his POV. Agreeing not to harass him while he's out? That should be the norm, surely.

But in return he has to agree to forgo late evenings, the flexibility of being able to agree to "just another one" if he's in the middle of a great conversation etc, and accept that if he is at all late he will be met with abuse?

You need to give more OP. Are you going to get help for your issues?

^ that's what I initially thought Gertrude

But this is why a link would be helpful OP as that's my gut reaction too but I suspect there's more to this story

But in return he has to agree to forgo late evenings, the flexibility of being able to agree to "just another one" if he's in the middle of a great conversation etc.....

No, he just needs to text her to say he'll be home later than planned.

What did you want out of this thread, op? You are being offered some great advice, all of which you seem to be ignoring and just thanking people who agree with your behaviour.

Here you go, Legend:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2839654-Said-something-I-regret

I'm sorry you have anxiety issues but I couldn't cope with being ordered around Like that. Okay he should have dropped you a text but your reaction to him not doing it was quite frankly way over the top. I have an inconsiderate DH it's caused problems he disappeared in to the Malaysian jungle for three days and canoed down the Amazon for a similar time, he was non contactable completely and I did lose my shit over that. He isn't Bear Grylls but does bugger off with work to remote locations sometimes.

When we go out for drinks we never give a time we will be getting back. My marriage is shit for other reasons but I would feel smothered living like that. You need therapy and help for your issues urgently.