Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

I'm not sure about the rules and stuff about SS but if there's anything in your relationship to make you concerned about SS then I think that's a very good reason to leave - SS aren't going to get involved in healthy relationships.

Plot everything gets more complicated with a newborn, mainly due to tiredness with disturbed sleep and adjusting to understanding each other (babies are gorgeous little aliens imo). You sound deeply unhappy. Have you spoken with family and friends or looked locally for support?

It would be better to get yourself in a more secure place now, or get him to leave rather than when you have your baby. EA is abuse and it's already wearing you down to the point you're worried about your baby being removed. Better to be proactive and safe.

Oracle your stories linked with ex's OW were bizarre and I can see why you blocked them both 😂

Purple that must have given you a shock when the spray popped up. Has someone been watching MN and stolen the idea?
bit creepy thinking that.

Dusters did you get the dusters mobile you had your eye on?

Teabay did you go back with your childcare arrangement decision?

Nat hope you don't have to take that option. Shame he can't have his PR removed quickly.

Hi Lilac Yes, I did indeed get my new set of wheels, thanks! It feels like a fresh start. Nothing flash but it's fun, just for me and the dc, and it's all mine Ex hasn't made any fuss. I asked the dc what dad said when they told him I'd bought a car. Apparently he said "That's nice." I'm probably speaking too soon but maybe, just maybe, he realises there's no fight to be had with me. You can quote this back when he goes into twat mode again !

Purple I thought the same as Lilac about the spray, how weird that it popped up. Who knew there was so much demand for it !

Dusters I really hope your ex has calmed down now. You don't think he's directing it elsewhere - maybe work? Mine goes through quiet periods, but then my DC get asked odd questions and I think he's manipulating them. My eldest won't engage with him when he does it and youngest seems oblivious at the moment.

New car sounds like fun

Just realised that I'm probably not entitled to completely free legal aid anymore because OH's income has increased so been trying to figure out how much I might have to pay. Hopefully not too much as we just don't have the money :(

Really don't want to take the last ditch option unless I really have to but if my legal bills end up too high I might have to so we can have time to save before going to court.

How is everyone?

Got the child protection report from the hospital - ex not only denied DD treatment but threatened the doctor on the phone, said he was going to come with a dog and 'get' her!

Nat wow surely your ex has messed things up for himself in a major way making physical threats to another person? good news for you?

Does this give you the proof you need to get his PR removed?

Are you nearer to getting this through court?

I think some time ago you said things could be hard with your OH but you were working through things. Will he help with court costs now he has more income?
(I don't know rules about legal aid there, but was told in UK I couldn't apply despite getting working family tax credits as rules v tight).

I'm hoping it'll be the proof needed. Lawyer heard from court today that they won't give an emergency ruling because DD isn't at severe threat to her health so have to wait until ex has replied to court (which he probably won't do and will just claim he never received letters/not answer the phone to the bailiff).

I think my OH calculated the legal aid stuff wrongly because when I took his payslip in and our rent and expenses and my lawyer did a quick calculation she said it should only be about 20% of costs we'd need to pay and possibly she'll be able to get it down to 0%. Phew!

Hi Nats and Lilac (and everyone else!). Threatening the doctor Nats , he really doesn't have any boundaries does he? Good to see things looking more positive on the legal aid front.

In answer to your question Lilac I don't know if/where my ex may be redirecting any anger or issues he has. It doesn't seem to be the dc or me, so I'll just be thankful for now .

Have driven past Mr HJM a couple of times this week. He gave me a great big smile yesterday but I decided to do my enigmatic look - well, he never replied to my note !

Have had a rubbish day. Nothing major, just lots of little things that make you wish you had a Tardis so you could fly away. A client, who I pull out all the stops for, made me feel awful, I had to wander off and fight back the tears . I have a couple of niggly health things - very minor, all can be sorted -but feeling very single with them, if that makes sense? Plus, an unexpected bill, rowed with my ds in the car on the way to his dad's, and I'm unsure if I really want to pursue the new business idea I had. That'll do as a moan for one day. I'll be fine tomorrow

Dusters I will try to turn some of this around ...as long as ex's anger not being directed at you and DCs that's a positive. Maybe the client has something else on their mind and took stress out on you. The health things will be making everything feel hrder, so you are allowed to cut yourself some emotional slack. The bill will have to be paid and let go of. Arguing with DS shows him you're human - I actually smashed my DS's headphones recently after he'd lied to me for what felt like the 10th time in a row. I felt awful, but have spoken with him about why I was so angry. Doesn't stop it happening, but some good can come from bad.

Can you postpone the business idea until your health is ok?

Sorry you've had a crappy day dusters that sucks, nice one doing your enigmatic look to Mr. HJM though!

Dusters 🍫 and ☕️. The best thing about shit days is when they are over... and a better one is coming next..

I think you need a 🔨 for HJM. Needs a sharp knock on the head!

And a kick up the bum!

Oh thank you my lovely ladies. Your responses have made me teary all over again - but in a good way. Lilac , you are so wise, and you're right on all those points. My health things really are little niggles (think teeth and ears !!), the business doubts are about whether I can handle the emotional side of the job. I'm sorry to hear about the head phones, but that made me laugh and feel so much better (apologies to Lilac junior!).

Purple I shall take the chocolate, the drink and the hammer, thank you. Do you think I can look enigmatic whilst holding a hammer ? (searches list of emojis.........)

Nats Yes, I'd like to give him a kick up the bum ! I have absolutely no idea if I could handle a relationship at the moment - but I'd be willing to give it a try with him.

Right, sending a mental kick up the bum to Mr. HJM, and if that doesn't work I'll be on the next flight over!

Thanks Nats, I'll make up the spare bed !!

Hi all, lilac

Update on WN and his random changing arrangements - he didn't believe me when I said that it was the DC who didn't want a 6pm Saturday drop off until Sun eve.
So I asked eldest DC to speak to him, tell him what she wanted. She asked if she could ring him from my house with me there, put him on speakerphone.

He was SO FUCKING RUDE to her (no Hello, just "Yeah? What do you want?") and called me / criticised me, but she was BRILLIANT. She cut across him, saying forcefully, "NO Dad, that's not what mum said, that's what I want".

Etc etc - you know the WN script - I'm too sick if it to write it down!

End result - the kids still go on the old arrangements, nothing has changed, he's not doing extra work, life carries on ON MY FUCKING TERMS AT LAST, YAY TO ME!!

Well done to your DD!! She stood up to him brilliantly!

How is everyone? I will catch up with everyone's posts.

What time to DC come back after a weekend with ex?

Teabay She's a chip off the old block, eh ?! Bloody good for her, and you. What do they think they'll achieve, these stupid childish men. Not nice for her to hear him speak like that, but the truth can always be dealt with better than lies.

Homely1 When my 2 used to come back after a Sunday with ex, it was 8/8.30 pm. They're 12 (just) and 10.

I'd say at least an hour before bedtime for coming home after a weekend Homely so they've got time to settle down and relax, have some supper, before going to bed.

Mine go on a Fri after school and then he takes them to school on a Mon morning. Every other weekend. It's 3 nights out of 14. This works the best for many reasons - I don't have to see him at all, and they go and return from mine in school uniform, so I don't have the problem of stuff going missing anymore. Before, every other Friday I'd basically lose a set of schoolhool uniform!