Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Great news Purple!

Oh he's trying to pull the rug from under us in lots of other ways but for now I am going to focus on the emotional FREEDOM coming my way 😆

Best to focus on the positive :)

That's definitely a victory Purple, enjoy the image of him scurrying around trying to supply the solicitors with all they needed.

I love the sound of your new job Nats . Young men, food and drink, books - sounds like heaven! Glad Grizzly Adams isn't causing you as much hassle as usual.

Also good to see your WN has been silenced for a while Overdue . I love that he wants to put the order on hold for handovers ! Yeah, right, cause that's when you'd love to see him and there's never going to be any conflict - how does an idea like that even form ??! As for the school, sod that. You can't wait until term starts (unless you're not UK?) I'd just apply anyway, let him try and stop you as opposed to you holding back.

My ds spent a night and then a whole day (without his sibling) with his dad yesterday. When he came home he realised he'd made a mistake with something he'd ordered on line. Cue meltdown as I couldn't fix it there and then. It was out of character, and he demanded to phone his dad as he wanted to go back there. He told me I wasn't his mum anymore, I was mean etc.

It was so upsetting, but I knew it was about his dad not being here, reinforced by him spending so long alone with him (something he's never done since we split). In the end he just collapsed onto me sobbing. Later he crept into my bed and said sorry mum, do you accept my apology. Today he's been like my shadow. My dd (older) seems to be coping really well, but I think my ds is quite damaged by all that's happened.

Unfortunately twat pretends I don't exist - my dd confirmed this yesterday. She said that he didn't use the horrible nickname for me anymore. She's told him not to, that it was unkind and he shouldn't say it ! I thanked her for sticking up for me. I also had to tell them for the 100th time today that dad's always worked long hours, it's nothing to do with the situation. I told them he was never home early for birthdays, occasions etc, and rarely took time off for assemblies etc. He's self-employed - he could have done so.

I'm just going to carry on with age appropriate truths. My dd has already said she thinks dad can be quite aggressive towards people. I said she was right, that was how his whole family behave, and it's one of the things I didn't like. He's a miserable bastard, and despite the pain our split has caused, I still think it's better that he's a part time parent to them.

Sorry for the long post. I don't really share much with people in RL anymore, only a couple of my friends get it. It actually makes me feel stronger to keep it to myself, and know I'm dealing with it alone.

Your poor DS dusters sounds like he has been really affected by it all but what a good lad to apologise and well done to your DD for sticking up for you! Sounds like she's realising what her dad is really like.

New job is definitely heaven! But really struggling to get used to doing things again, its only four hours a day but I'm exhausted by the time I get home and I end up going to bed at the same time as DD. Hopefully I'll adjust soon.

Thanks Nats. He's a worrier by nature so this has all been very hard for him. I'm just trying to make his life with me as stable and dependable as possible. Hopefully then when he feels unsettled he'll know deep down that I'm here and not going anywhere.

I reckon he'll realise that soon enough.

DD is finally happy we moved to our new house - she's out exploring the neighbourhood again trying to find the two girls she spoke to yesterday evening who said they'd play with her today :) Also turning half the lounge into an indoor climbing playplace

Dusters your poor DS, but it sounds as though you are doing a great job at reassuring him and being there for him.

Good news about the job and the house Natsku. You have reminded me that WN hated the DDs taking the sofa cushions off and using them as an assault course. I can't wait until we move into our own place, and they can do it until their heart's content.

I have enrolled DD1 in school here regardless of what he thinks. She needs the formality of school. I've always had issues getting her to do homework etc. My DM is a retired Primary teacher and has been trying to do home lessons with her and she just won't focus. It can't wait another 5 months!

No news from the Police...

My head is up my arse today with stbxwn, feel drained I can't bring myself to write it all down but how can you do the 'grey stone' without being accused by the bastard, of being a nasty piece of work and if I 'don't play nice' he won't sign divorce papers or mortgage over to me? Do I have to be the compliant little woman until it's all boxed off? Not sure I can, I detest him so much!

Not sure really Dont never been good at the grey stone thing.

Just found out my dad is in the hospital with a possible pulmonary embolism and DD still doesn't have a passport so we can't fly over if its needed :(

Dont It's very hard, but I guess it's about treading a fine line between being civil and mature so as to get what you want/need, but not giving him any reactions that will satisfy his need to control, belittle etc. Can it all be done through a third party so that you have no interaction with him?

Nats So sorry to see that about your dad. Is there any sort of emergency passport or document that your dd can have if you need to fly over? Hope you get some better news tomorrow. I presume your mum and brother are with your dad?

Mum had to go to work yesterday so couldn't stay with him but she didn't call last night. Will try giving my dad a call later when its a reasonable hour in the UK. Not sure about emergency passports/documents, maybe the police would issue one without her dad's consent in such a situation but I'm not sure.

Hope you had some news today Nats .

No news still, tried calling dad but no answer.

Called mum and its ok, no embolism just pneumonia.

Thanks Nice! Can't do third party yet, he won't see that as civil. 😤Current situation is divorce petition just signed by him and sent off. Until I've taken mortgage over and consent order sorted and divorce through, he stays here about three nights a week to see his son! He can't have him at his dads apparently as there is no room! So I am stuck in his presence for the next god knows how long. On Saturday I basically got the 'do not question anything I'm doing, do not call me on anything, play the game, show me some resoect, or else I'll take you down with me and make your life hell!' What started this off was him asking me where I was going on Friday night and me saying 'I've no idea'! I'm really struggling to stay sane and control myself!

Glad to read your update Nats . Hope your dad's getting good treatment. What a relief for you all that it wasn't the embolism - although pneumonia's no picnic, as I know from experience !

Dont That's an awful situation for you - and no doubt your son. I wasn't married so don't know the divorce process. From what you've said (and what I've read on here) he can presumably slow it down just to be difficult? I wish I could think of a solution. How dare he decide what's civil, he's not being civil to you.

The divorce system in the UK sounds dreadful to be honest.

Hello! I read earlier bits of this thread a while back and was wondering if I could ask your advice as I'm currently trying to divorce my narcissist H and am in desperate need of help from people who understand narcs. Have been with H for 15 years, married for 11, DS is 14. H has had varied job history, earning loads one minute and nothing the next, out of our 15 years together he's been off work for one reason or another for 6 years, the current situation is that he's been "off sick" for two years, but I've come to realise that for the past six months or so he's been pretty much making it up and is more than capable of going back to work. He still has a job (though I suspect they are about to sack him) but is on ESA and a PIP payment. He keeps referring to himself as "disabled" which he definitely isn't and it makes me sick. I'm self-employed and have worked part-time and done everything for DS when H was working, and have always upped my hours to full time when H hasn't been working, along with still doing pretty much everything for DS, although H now does some of the cooking and laundry. I won't go into more details as it would be too identifying but basically I became his servant because of his "disability", and increasingly the target of emotional abuse and eventually decided there was no hope for our marriage. I told H at the start of the year that I wanted a divorce and my sol prepared the petition and made it as tame as possible so as not to offend him. He was very offended! He then sent me his own petition, which was a bundle of lies, and threatened to either cross-petition or defend. I finally heard last week that he's signed the acknowledgement of service so the court will now hopefully grant the decree nisi. My big problem now is arrangements for DS. He has said he wants to live with me, have alternate weekends with his dad and two or three evenings a week with him too, but he wants to sleep here (I'm aiming to buy H out of the marital home) so he can still walk to school with his friends and be confident his school books aren't in the wrong house when he needs them. H wants a 50/50 split which will be disruptive for DS and isn't what he wants. I have spoken to DS about it all, and have told him he has a big say in this. H went off the deep end that I'd talked to DS, but the problem is if I try to have a conversation with DS with H present H just talks over me and bullies me, which is essentially what he's done for the past 14 or so years, ever since I had DS. H refuses to speak direct to DS about this and has now booked a mediation company without asking me first.

I guess what I'm really asking is does anyone have any advice on going to mediation with a narc re child contact? (We will have separate appointments initially and then a joint one, plus the mediator will see DS.) And if you do how likely is it that the mediator will be able to see through H's lies and manipulation and his "charm". I know he is going to lay it on thick about his non-existent disability, as he does to everyone he meets (though they don't always believe him, especially when he's just climbed a ladder and says it, as he did to the estate agents who came round recently). After years of not being particularly interested in DS other than as an audience for his jokes and someone to play video games with, he's now suddenly trying to get involved in the practicalities of DS's life, like asking me to change his dentist, asking about his activities, saying he's always wanted to help but I wouldn't let him, etc. etc. This from the man who is unable to get himself out of bed before 8 am at the earliest and who therefore has no hope of making sure DS doesn't oversleep and end up late for school.

Sorry for the essay! I am lucky enough to have support in RL but no-one seems to have encountered anyone like H and being stuck in the house with him virtually 24/7 is doing my head in. The last few months feel like several years and I know it's not nearly over yet. DS needs stability but H seems to think he's an asset to be split and whenever I try to raise it he basically tells me it's my fault for wanting a divorce.

Good evening everyone.

Natsu I hope your DF is getting better.

I am really down tonight. I have just fallen out with BIL (my Dsis DH), and it has made me question my being back in my hometown. It is a small place and is quite suffocating. I don't know what to do. I can't go back to where I was living with WN as he is there. I have no friends anywhere, so my only options are to move somewhere completely new, where I won't know anyone, or stay here with my family, who are starting to irritate me.

I just feel so utterly alone right at the moment. The DC are due to go to WN tomorrow for a week. I have a bank holiday weekend to spend with BIL and my rather spirited DNs

Hello all, just came over for a catch up but am soooo tired I've forgotten most of what I've just read.

Nat any news on your dad?

Attica hopefully someone else will be along soon who can say more about mediation. What I can say is that you could decline it on the grounds of his abusive behaviour. I think a mediator can also decline to work with you if they feel it is not suitable in your situation. Have you been in touch with any organisations such as Women's Aid to talk it through and get some advice?

overdue big hand hold from me, I understand what you're saying. Is there any room for e.g. moving a little way away, so that you're still somewhere quite familiar and near to family you do want see but out of that suffocating small town environment? I know a virtual hug doesn't do much but have one anyway ((()))

I also feel crap. It doesn't help that WN is out there living the life of Riley, still getting at me, making things difficult. I feel so isolated. And at the same time, missing the life we should have had again. Hits you like a ton of bricks. Think I've exhausted all outlets IRL for a while, it's difficult for people who don't get it to know what to say and I don't want to become that person whining on.

It's the sheer unfairness of it all.

dusters that offer of the kick up the backside still stands, if needed?

Think I've exhausted all outlets IRL for a while, it's difficult for people who don't get it to know what to say and I don't want to become that person whining on.

I totally get this, so feel free to whine away here. My WN so far this week has sent DD1 a link to the video for a song called "Far from home", and tonight was telling the DDs all about the wooden swing and slide set he has bought for them. This would the set that I was asking to get for the last 5 years to be told a myriad of reasons why we couldn't get one. He has also bought them a temporary one from Argos as the posh wooden one won't be delivered until next week!! Not to mention the fact that only 2 weeks ago he was telling me he wouldn't be able to pay me maintenance because he had no money left after his court case for assaulting me. (He has since paid though)

Can I chime in with the 'Disney dad' moan from earlier?

My exN moved abroad a few months ago, and I am delighted he has taken his deeply toxic presence to another country.

His departure was the grand finale in an elaborately-staged 'mental breakdown' (narcissistic collapse) that meant he had to flee the county (and the debts he's created - oh how convenient) to live with his mother.

He now calls his 2DS once, maybe twice a week for 5 minutes (aged 8 and 6). In addition to begging up the lavish holidays he is organising when they visit (courtesy of grandma) the rest of his conversations are just so unbearable to listen to.

They are painful because of their emotional void. He can only talk about money or things.

He simply cannot relate to his children. After the grating "Heeeeeyy! Lil' guy! greeting, he says to them "So...what did you buy this week?" (he's left me bankrupt, and supporting myself and 3CS alone - as if there's money to buy anything!). Or "Did you have any sleepovers or go to any parties? No?. Oh." (awkward silence).

He can't talk about school or their friends because he doesn't know anything about it. He couldn't name you what class either of them is in. Seriously.

These conversations are becoming shorter and shorter. Painful for my very astute kids to experience this.

It is painful and crushing to hear. All he knows are material things. He can only relate on a surface level. The holiday he will spend with them will be a carousel of TV, chocolate, games, toys and outings.

Skimming the surface as usual. It depresses the fuck out of me and every conversation (which I should try not to listen to but he FaceTimes loudly) is a horrible reminder of his evil self.

Sorry. Just had to moan. No one else understands in RL.

Friends, I have just pinched this from another thred. It is unbelievably good.

www.thehealthsite.com/diseases-conditions/tips-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-from-a-survivor-p1015/

Some really, really brilliant tips and drop jaw 'oh my God, yes THAT!' moments when I read it.

Thanks purple that's interesting reading. The part about standing up to them because they're cowards made me think. For me, standing up to him has just made it worse (Must Pay), every single time, and the system seemingly supports that. Maybe it's a long term process though perhaps I have to keep doing it, ride out the troughs and wait for it to plateau?

I also picked these up through other threads and I have had similar moments

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

www.womenaresafe.org/emotional.html

lilac I need go back and find your useful links thread and add those on! And then save the link for the worst days