Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Teabay that does sound like a good plan, you have the experience to go back up when you're ready and it's most important that you look after you. You're no good if you burn out completely. Although you are very early days still, be easy on yourself.

Thank you for all your kind words. dusters it's quite hard to explain without going into to detail, but he has made it so he can intrude on my life, and made it very clear that if I try to stop it, it will get worse, and in such a way that there's little if anything I can do. All I can do is try to get on with it and hope he loses interest eventually. Nat has got it spot on about the power and control.

I am still feeling the need to send HJM some kind of virtual, metaphorical kick up the bum!

Hi everyone

So I looked around, have found a job which is a couple of steps back down the food chain but seems really attractive and refreshing. After some serious number crunching I could manage, just, (it's a £20k pay drop but not in real terms as the tax is most of it!) but it means I'll be eligible for all of the child benefit, I should get some maintenance from WN if CMS ever get around to it and we'll be camping and eating slow cooker braising steak from now on!! The hours are the same but the pressure is way less. For £100 less a week it's looking REALLY attractive - if I can do some more writing on the side that brings in a little bit too so that can be my savings fund.

I feel better already - I think you are right, it's a good time to reconsider everything in my life.

That sounds really good Teabay. You already sound calmer and more optimistic about the future. I should imagine with your long work record and skills that, when the time comes (if it ever comes, who says it needs to?) then you can consider returning to the type of job you have now.

Greencar I really hope he does get bored playing his pathetic little power games. What a sad life he must have if that's how he gets his kicks. Hopefully the passage of time, and as much grey rock/non contact as you can manage will ease things a little. Alternatively I'll just mow him down in the Duster Mobile, in return for you kicking HJM up the backside !!

dusters thank you - I suppose I can go back up if and when it suits - I'm not giving up, more like I'm choosing something else.

Greencar I really hope you are ok. It sounds so awful being bound to him still - is there really no way you can minimise contact with him? I know how hard it is. People who don't know say glibly "just protect yourself, steel yourself, put your armour on, your shield on - just don't let him get to you".
. Wtf? They truly have no idea. We do : and we're here with you x

Hello all, I've been away for a while and I lost this thread, wanted to say hello and catch up. Last time I was on this thread was about the time I took WN to court for disappearing £650,000 of assets to his family so I can't get to them during divorce. I am skint and living with my 3 DC at my parents, WN has kindly occupied the family home alone.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I lost the court case on every single count. I'd borrowed approx £60k to get to court, had a v strong case, but the judge was one of those who does not/refuses to understand or acknowledge domestic violence not or abuse. I've since been informed I am also liable for WNs costs of £27k. Meanwhile his family keep hold of all £650,000 assets in their names and court agrees with him that they don't belong to him. Anyway it's been tough and very unjust, my anxiety has spiralled and I have been keeping away. I'm trying to distance myself from the problem for now, as I turned into a wreck basically.

Today it's Easter holidays and they are going to stay with him for a week, which is particularly tough given the circumstances. I am considering changing solicitors etc and so I'll look into things like that whilst they are away and keep busy with my lovely friends and family. I am lucky to have a wonderful support network.

TBH, I can't really deal with sympathy or shock, or being told to fight the court case, but I wanted to let you know what has been going on. I'll pop in and out of this thread intermittently but I know it doesn't help my anxiety to constantly be talking or thinking about it so I will be sure to take breaks.

Teabay I'm really pleased you have found an alternative job. It's a shame the pay is less but it might just be the boost to your self confidence that you need. You are being very pragmatic about this and it sounds like you have your head properly screwed on.

Dustera I hope the man situation heats up soon!

Greencar many many hugs and sympathy. I know what you mean about the eternal control.

Hi all, I think I might belong in here.

I have had a couple of threads around the site about my situation. Basically I left my WN just over 4 weeks ago. He was EA and he assaulted me so I took the opportunity to leave. Reported him to the police, and he was charged. He pleaded guilty (he was stupid enough to do it in front of the checking up on me security camera, so couldn't really deny it) and I have a 12 month restraining order whereby he can contact me only via email or through family members in relation to child contact.

He doesn't understand why I have left. The emails started out OK, we arranged a few days for him to see the DC and kept it business like, but over the last few days have got more and more prolific, and he is asking why I left, why I felt I needed a restraining order, he loves me so much, going on about how changed he is (he has swallowed the whole textbook on that one), how we haven't tried hard enough etc etc.

It got too much so my sister emailed him yesterday asking him to leave me alone for a few days and go through her for a while. His response was basically that I am being poisoned by my family against him, I have poisoned the DC against him. They are playing "It" and this is apparently an indication of how I have turned them against him . How I was only nice to him over email initially to get money out of him. How my refusal to amend the restraining order to allow joint counselling is not putting the needs of our children first, and is very unfair on him as he has no support and no idea why I left him.

He has the DC at the moment and I can't wait to get them back with me. He is due to have them again next week and I am desperately trying to get a solicitor appointment to sort it out.

Can you give me some perspective that handling it through solicitors is the best way to go on this. He has twisted my mind so much that I can't see clearly. My DM wants to report him for breach of the restraining order.

That sounds positive Teabay

We're here when you need us Namechanger

Gotta run but I'll have a read of your post a bit later Overdue

Greencar I just wanted to send you some strength. I really feel for you. It's so shit and I don't know how to get through it easily, I think all you can do is put one foot in front of another and keep moving forward (you really are moving forward although it doesn't feel like it).

My WN is excelling himself at the moment. Not picking DS up for contact repeatedly as he demanded and was agreed in court (getting his WNM - Wank Nark Mum to do it without telling me - She is a whole other story). He apparently has a gf that has been on the scene for months and months and introduced to my DS as his brothers girlfriend (?!) he has completely reconstructed a little family with her and takes DS out together to cinema, park, McDonald's, meet her family etc, totally leaving my oldest DS out of it all as he still won't see him. WN has eventually confirmed to my DS that she is his gf now - my poor little DS said to me that his heart had broken a little bit as his Daddy had lied to him again and again. 😢

And finally, even with a gf and well over 2 years since he moved out of here. He still will not finalise the divorce. He hasn't returned the paperwork and his solicitor says that he won't until the finances are agreed - but he won't agree/move those on either! CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. Why can't he move on with his new gf and set me free???

Anyway, I have taken the bull by the horns and told his solicitor if he doesn't return paperwork within 14 days I will, and I will apply to him for costs.

How do we ever free ourselves from these bloody freaks??

Handling it via solicitors is definitely the best way to go if you can afford it Overdue and I agree with your DM, he needs to be reported for being in breach of the order. If you let him get away with small breaches he'll move onto bigger and bigger breaches.

@PurpleThursday what a bloody bastard. Saying that, none of us would be on this thread if we hadn't have experienced a bunch of bastards!

I must must must must catch up on the thread but I've been spending my time either sleeping, hurling or eating. 6 weeks and 1day.

Dreading ex finding out. Still haven't heard anything. Hope it stays that was forever if I'm honest.

Overdue I also agree to go through a third party. You know why you left him, and so does he. You don't have to answer any of his questions, you don't have to have counselling, you don't owe him a second chance.

If you don't hear or see his words you don't have to have them going over and over in your head. You decide what's best for you and your dc. I agree with your DM as well. Report him now, show him that he doesn't get to call the shots anymore.

Purple Good to see what you've told his solicitor. His new little life must be flimsy as hell. He can't be honest with his ds about his new gf, he can't sort his divorce out, he can't get you out of his mind so is still playing games. It sounds like a house of cards that'll eventually collapse. Your poor ds, having to see already that his dad is a liar. I guess that day was always around the corner

Namechange That must have been hard to write, to go over it again, but glad you felt able to update. This thread is amazing but can be draining at the same time, so I totally understand the stepping away when necessary.

Thanks dusters always such wise words. After almost 10 years together (plus 2 apart) it is ridiculous that I still struggle to see the lying piece of shit for what he is. An old friend said to me tonight that he had no good intentions, he wanted a child, and I had money. I provided both. He is proving himself now by trying to take our home from under us (that I bought and worked bloody hard for) I guess by admitting what a liar he is I have to acknowledge that I fucked up. I believed a con man. I fell for his lies. I didn't 100% because I always knew something wasn't right and had so many reasons not to trust him, but I kept trying. And I chose to marry and have a child with him. I have to take responsibility for that and carry the guilt. I can't work out why it is still so hard to accept/believe. I still stupidly can't believe he did what he did and told so many lies. I just don't know why I can't believe it. It's a fact. I don't love him, or miss him, or want him anywhere near me, and I feel desperately sorry for the new gf and what lies ahead for her. He has just rocked all faith I had in mankind and I have to raise a child with him . Seems impossible.

Hi Purple I recognise so much of what you say and feel. I left my abusive ex 15 years ago, and I still can't believe what a huge mistake I made in ever being with him. I was young and rebounding, but it took me so long to leave. I've kind of forgiven myself, but I think he was so fucked up that I lost my bearings for a while.

When I met my dc's dad (who as you know I refer to on here as twat!) I was very clear to him about what I had been through. I really thought I could trust him, and that he would always have my back. I know that he did love me, very much, so why he subsequently behaved as he did I just will never understand. Like you, I find it hard to accept that people can behave in such ways. Maybe that's why we, unwittingly, find ourselves with these people. We are trusting, think the best of people, and to maintain our hope that people are essentially good we turn a blind eye where we shouldn't.

I do still think that most people are good. Even in testing times these people will remain true to themselves. But I now also feel that many people are weak, scared of life, emotionally immature and are basically quite inward looking. In relationships this all makes them very damaging. Ideally they'd have a stamp on their head and be unable to procreate !

Let's you and I make a pact, today, not to feel guilty, stupid or responsible. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and we all want to be loved, no crime there. It didn't work out for us, we left, and we're making the best of things.

Thanks dusters, you are so right about it all.

I know I need to move on and things will improve - I think my desperation lies in the fact that he just won't let me. I can't imagine how he is even explaining that to his new gf.

I read something today that said Narcs are attracted to very loyal people. They are drawn to them and think they will always forgive their little character traits and stand by them. That definitely rang true in our situation.

I think some of it is me not believing stuff though - in general, in real life in lots of situations. I'm not quite sure what that's about?! For example I was thinking that I still can't believe the Rolf Harris saga etc! It just dumbfounds me!

Blimey Purple I think we might be twins ! I spend my life saying things like, "I just never saw that side of her" or "God she's so controlling, I never realised." I'm constantly wrong footed by others. I have a close friend who is very perceptive. It's a running joke between us now. I'll confide in her about someone, and she'll say of course, we all know he/she is like that. I'm still gob smacked when someone is dishonest, unfaithful or just unkind.

I think perhaps my filter is clouded. I can't seem to look at people clearly. I must be mixing up all sorts of opinions and prejudices and projecting them. This is why I don't trust many people any more, because I don't trust my judgement in this regard.

I'm interested in your point about Narcs being attracted to very loyal people. I can see that in my own life.

P.S I believed it about Jimmy Saville though for some reason 🙄😆

All quiet on my WN front thankfully (DD going through a 'not wanting to talk to him' phase again) but sending all my leftover strength to you lot.

Thanks everyone. I have taken the time to read the thread and am at the stories on here. We really have all been in a relationship with the same man.

I did call the police in the end. In the interim he sent a very apologetic email. But I suppose that is the way he works; an explosion of nasty followed by super lovely. I've had 20 years of that.

I thought/hoped the police would go and visit him and give him a slap on the wrists. Apparently though because DA is such a high priority for them at the moment they no longer do that. They are going to arrest him and he will have to go to court again. I really don't want that but as they said to me, if I had let it go on, then it could be interpreted as me letting him break the RO.

I got the DDs back yesterday. They are supposed to be going back on Thurs, but I don't know when the police are going to get around to arresting him so everything is up in the air. I can't tell him they are not going as I will need to explain why, but I can't tell him they are about to arrest him! I am seeing my solicitor tomorrow to try and work out a strategy for formalising things more.

That's really good that the police are taking it seriously, very positive news!

I'm so amazed and pleased to see the action the police are taking Overdue . There's just no point in these orders if they're not enforced. Over and over again we see the men on this thread trying to trample all over people. They think the usual rules of society and the law don't apply to them. I hope he gets a nasty shock when the police knock on his door.

I can see the dilemma you have with your DDs going back on Thursday. Hopefully your solicitor will be able to advise you tomorrow.

Hi all - so much has happened on here this weekend!!
I haven't time now (just settling down to Line of Duty, can't wait) but I'll read and reply to you all soon.
Koko - and a good night's sleep to all of us x

How is everyone doing? Hope we all have good stress-free weekends.

Things have quietened down a bit for me. My solicitor sent him a letter asking him to contact me only through her. So far he has done so. Heaven knows how I am going to pay for it, but it is a lovely feeling

On the flip side though, he is still managing to annoy me. His latest tactic is to object to my enrolling DD1 in a school. He wants to wait until September . He also wants to ensure normality for the children at handovers by setting aside the restraining order, so that we can do face to face handovers. My solicitor is going to tell him where to stick his suggestions.

The police still haven't arrested him because they can't agree which force should deal with it . My worry had been the fact that he was due to have the kids this weekend, and I didn't want him being arrested in front of them. I managed to put off the contact until next weekend. I am now getting worried about next week, and I am not sure what I am going to do if he isn't dealt with by Weds.

I hope everyone has a peaceful and WN free weekend or at least limited WNary

Wait until September? Isn't that a big late for school enrolment?!

Hope the police figure their shit out soon and deal with him.

Things are good here, managed to get DD to skype her dad for the first time in ages and he's heard me on the phone trying to persuade her so he hasn't been complaining about lack of contact lately. Still waiting for Court.
Have started a new job placement though :) starting a brand new cafe/second hand shop and working with a bunch of nice young men I was originally only going to do one or two days a week but upped to three straight away because I'm enjoying it, I like getting to be part of the process and have my creative input and stuff, plus get to organise things exactly how I like them - spent a happy hour the other day organising the books into alphabetical order :)

Hi all, hope life is treating you kindly.

In other news... I heard back from the WNs solicitor today saying that she would confirm when all divorce paperwork was in the post to the Court. My threat of doing it myself clearly worked and applying to him for costs clearly worked! Yesssssssss! Enjoy the small few and far between victories 😊