Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

harrold to snaking there child they quite open about with social services to. She explained it was if it left a Mark or not as to whether it was acceptable or not.t

Oops posted to soon. I know someone who

nicenewdusters He is behaving like a teenager. I'm hoping couple's therapy will help!!

Can't believe that they are classing that as a grey are! What is wrong with people!

EXDP has turned up to have both DCs for the day and the new GF is there with her kids - in a way I feel a little bit relieved as she is a mother and will help look after them but they are still so teeny I really worry about them.

Of course I've had it thrown in my face this morning as well that he's so happy and I can't stand to see him happy when it was me making him so miserable and depressed!

squeakyegg hope you can relax and enjoy the childfree time.
Your ex sounds like mine. He is happy as Larry with his new gf. She has kids, don't know if she realises yet that she is being lined up as his next domestic servant.He was a miserable sod when he was with me, no doubt that was all my fault.

Ugh. I need a hand hold please. The WNery is at such levels I don't think even industrial strength WN Away spray would work.

I feel so trapped. It'll never end. He won't stop until he's broken me and probably not even then. Even after separating my life is still dictated by his demands and 'rights', upheld by shitty patriarchal laws. I don't know how I'll ever be able to live my life without being under his shadow. And my beautiful DC, used and manipulated. I wish that island was real, I really do.

Sorry for the self pity. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL who won't offer well meant but useless platitudes, or ignore it completely because it's just so hard for them to deal with

to all, especially those struggling.

@greencarblue - no need to apologise I feel your pain!!

My DD is in hospital at the moment and WN hasn't been to visit her (too busy loved up with his new gf) but has demanded he comes today and I can come down to see her after he has left - not a chance especially as I am BF and he clearly doesn't have his priorities in order but to everyone else he comes across as the doting dad! Sorry for rambling just needed to write it down!

Happy Mothers Day all. I hope there are some treats and moments of joy for you today. As hard as it is (understatement) and as wrong as so many things are with these appalling WNs, they gave us our beautiful babies and I am begrudgingly grateful to my arsehole of a WN for that.

Hope you all have sunny days. 💐

Hi Greencar Only just logged on, sorry to see your post. You don't have to answer but in what ways is he trapping you? I'm not doubting you for a second, just curious as to what aspects of your life he controls. Is it financial, or that it's not possible to stop seeing him/speaking to him/communicating with him?

As you say you've left him and have your own home and life. Do you have a family set up that dictates he still has so much presence in your life? It's so unfair, he just needs to get the f**k out. You owe him nothing, except contempt and silence.

SqueakyEgg I completely agree, he either visits his dd with you there or not at all. She comes first, not him. I hope whatever happened yesterday that it wasn't too bad, and that your dd is feeling better and home soon

Hope your mother's day was good too Purple . You're right, the one redeeming feature they all have is that they helped to create our dc. Luckily for our dc, we're the ones having the most influence on their upbringing

Oops lost the thread for a while there

Sorry things are seeming so bad right now greencar it really is horrific how much power and control they can still wield over us even after we've left/they've left :(

Just thought I'd do a HJM update Well................

I saw him when I was at work today. I went straight up to him and said hello etc. He'd seen the new Duster Mobile, and asked me about it. He asked how I'd been, and we had a general chat, very smiley and friendly. He asked if I still wanted the work done we'd discussed before. I did, so he'll be coming round in the next couple of weeks. As I was a bit too talkative before I said well, must be off and get on.

A few minutes later he came up to me and said that somebody he knew needed some work doing. I explained I was running that side of my business down. This led onto us talking about our jobs, and he mentioned his "ex-wife" again (mentionitis?) He was more open about himself, very chatty.

So. There we go. Not really any further forward. I think we both know there's a bit of a spark between us, but I think he'd be surprised to know I like him, and I'm too scared to say or do anything !! Maybe when he comes around I'll have the courage to move the conversation on. God, I sound about 15 !!!!

dusters sounds v positive to me.

Hi my friends - I'd appreciate some advice, I like the way you think and seem fairly grounded so here goes. I'll try not to be too identifying...

Went back to work as manager after several months absence with WN stress. First time been off in 22 years. Place has gone to shit whilst I've been away. Am on week 3 of phased return, not feeling it. I hate going, I cry every day and I feel like it'll never be doable, like I'll never be me again. But, to those who work for me I look like the old me (they have no idea I've divorced a WN and am having counselling). There is so much to put right at work I am overwhelmed. This morning whilst informing staff of something else (positive) several of them let rip with stuff against me, what am I going to do about xyz etc.
I couldn't cope - whilst I was saying I understand, I was just attacked.

I left the room - said this was a conversation for tomorrow. Have just spent 2 hrs sitting in a lay-by thinking about it. I have no reserve, no fight, no capability to tackle this. It's as though whilst I was with WN I was permanently on fight or flight so could tackle anything. Now I'm free of him I can't.

Do you think I should move to a non management job for a rest, focus on my DC?
Do you think a short course of antidepressants would help me? (never taken them and scared).

Please help.

Then act 15 dusters and just snog him!

Oh dear sounds difficult teabay maybe stepping down from management for a while until you're back in a healthy place again might be the best idea. And don't be scared of anti-depressants - they're a medicine to cope with the symptoms until you get better, just like painkillers when you've got a broken limb. It can be a bit difficult finding ones that work for you and don't have unpleasant side effects (they all do to an extent but after a week or two the side effects are gone) but they're worth it if you are struggling too much with symptoms to manage as well as you need to.

Thankyou natsku

Hi Teabay . I really feel for you. With my previous ex (EA) I lost all my confidence at work (managerial position) ended up on long term sick leave and eventually resigned. It took leaving him and nearly a year of CBT before I could consider anything, even voluntary work.

The first thing that struck me in your post was the timescales. Only a few months absence after 22 years is quite something, and it's only been 3 weeks since you returned. So you clearly have a phenomenal track record as regards staying power. The fact the place has gone down the pan without you also speaks volumes.

Who was in charge when you were off? Why have they done such a poor job that you've come back to a mess and complaining staff? Are any of the complainers at fault, should they have been more responsible/acted differently when you were away?

It's also interesting that nobody knows why you were off, and what you've been/are going through. I can imagine there are lots of possible reasons for this; wanting to maintain your privacy, not feeling that close to your colleagues, feeling your management wouldn't approve. Do you think it would make it easier if your (or some of your) colleagues knew a little of what was happening? If only so they knew that you might need to deal with things a bit differently for a while.

As for the non management role. If this could be for the short term, and financially and career wise you feel it's doable, then go for it. I look back at the times I struggled on when I should have called it quits much earlier. There are no medals, and everyone can be replaced, so do what's best for you. Even if it becomes a long term move so be it, if that's the best thing to help you rebuild your life.

The job I do now is something I chose because it's low stress. I'm self employed and have a lot of control over my day. It's not a job I'd have chosen before, but it's allowed me to recover, care for my dc, and it fits in with my life as it is at present.

As for the anti-depressants. I took some for a few weeks many years ago (see EA above!!), probably not long enough to have any effect. I was scared to take them too, so stopped. I'm sure somebody else will have some advice in this area.

Natsku You naughty thing !

Brilliant advice dusters as always and 👏🏼 re HJM.

Teabay I really feel for you. I don't have much of any use to offer as dusters covered it all pretty well - although 'there are no medals' sticks in my mind too. Perhaps it is a perfect crossroads for you to take stock and decide how you would like to move forward employment wise. A change is as good as a rest and all that. Also, be EXTRA kind to yourself. You've been through a very tough time and returning to work is never easy. 💐 and positive thoughts for you. You are doing extremely well, it may have been an off day and their misplaced whinging is over now. Take your time in making a decision and know that you are doing very well all things considered.

P.S re the fight or flight, I totally get that. These WN's push us along such a rollercoaster it is overwhelming and unbearable at times. I have been doing some Mindfulness and one visualisation of a Mountain has really helped me. No more fighting or hiding, I am focussed on feeling confident in my decisions and being that Mountain, stable, rooted, solid and unmovable - not in a defensive way, in a confident of me and my good/fair decisions way. Sorry if I'm rambling.... I just found it extremely useful for some strange reason in testing moments to focus on the calm, solid mountain.

Thank you dusters and purple
It's the kind of job that means when you're back, you're back. Phased return is just lip service. I feel like the moaners need a bollocking reality check from me but I have no energy.
Will it return?

My gut feeling is that you are very good at your job and just need to get back in your stride.

Give it some time, be kind to yourself, and patient. One way or another it will get better!

I've been awake all night overthinking and grinding my teeth with stress. Going back into work this morning so I'm going to tackle it again today. I'm dreading it and already feel sick - I can't just walk away although everything I have wants to.

Teabay How did work go today ? Was it any better ?

I felt better going in, gave the pep talk reality check and most staff felt ok and supported. But then this afternoon descended again, more (private) tears from me and more realisation that it's not for me.

I'm looking at applying for a job a couple of steps back down the ladder - far less money but I might like it more...

Hi Teabay At least there was something positive in the day, glad to see that. Maybe just the process of applying for the other job will slightly lighten things for you. I find that sometimes just knowing that there's an alternative makes the present situation a bit more bearable. Ultimately only you know what's best for you. Peace of mind, a good nights sleep, equanimity. As long as the bills can be paid, these are all worth more than anything a salary can buy.