Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Pudding I wouldn't suggest he comes around. I'd avoid where possible and deflect if you're asked questions you don't want to answer. The blank look, monotone "I see" and then checking your watch and having to go can help.

Nearly I initially thought the same too, but my ex wasn't confident about his looks either and I'd say fairly average in looks department. I think we all share suffering being with men with superiority complex, self-centredness and lack of empathy. Not sure who said "an entitlement of narcs" but grrr is it right they are so "poor me" even with their own DCs. Amazing to think they're grown men 😂

It's good we can come and vent on MN!

I have the usual issue of DCs on school holiday soon, I still have to work a fair number of days, and ex will have them 2 out of 15 days. It's not him its me. Apparently I make it hard for him to see them and he'd love to have them more but in reality he and GF love their easy life .

Sorry been busy with work so haven't had a chance to get back to the thread. Thank nearly for your post. While I don't feel I am beating myself up about it I am struggling to come to terms with it iyswim. As my therapist said he has just been a very good liar. But that has made me feel like our whole relationship has been a lie. Deep down when I look back I can now see some of his narcissistic moments. But I now know what I am looking for. Also think he wasn't 'bad' with me since I was important to him and his ego. But now OW is important and I am just an inconvenience and certainly no longer his friend I am see the full extent of his narcissism. It just feels so heartbreaking. Seeing DC suffering. Missing him and wanting him home. It just all fell apart so quickly because he had his head turned. I can now see him for the weak selfish man he is but it has taken a long time. I am now in a better place but still have my low moments (normally coinciding with him being difficult). It's quite depressing at times to know I will always have to have some sort of contact with him due to DC.

Splishing I emphasise with you as Jan 2016 I could have written your post word-for-word. The shock of being blatently betrayed and impact of the extent of the lying has really reduced, but I am still tied with a narc co-parent. So I would say in time things definitely will get better for you, even though he won't change. Narcs aren't reflective so often fear change that doesn't follow their rules them in superior position .

Over the past year I've spent a lot of time unravelling my knotted perceptions (that he'd left me with). Talking helps particularly if you write down his twat narcy behaviour and share it. Having others tell you he's not fair can help.

It's not you it's him!

Thank you dusters, no improvement yet but I keep thinking back to our rollercoaster analogy and focussing on the up that I hope will follow the trough. I wish we were closer too, I think we'd get on well in RL. And as for HJM...lilac and I are at the arse-kicking ready!

squeakyegg I know that awful feeling when everybody else is fawning over them and urging them on in their wonderful life. Because poor them, they've had it so hard. The unfairness of it can be painful. I don't think I've found a solution yet other than riding it out. I have seen people come to realise, very slowly, what he is, so it does happen. Hang in there.

Nat how are things looking for your brother, any updates?

I've done something stupid!!!

I didn't realise he was still on my FB so I put a nice photo on their from the kids and he 'liked' it along with lots of other people - half hour later he has deleted me off Facebook and , despite sending messages about the kids, he has been ignoring me. Which is fine.
But last night I was so incensed by rage I sent some angry texts I'm not proud of 😓😓

I forgot to add I also discovered he drunk drove with our toddler in the car last weekend

Whoa he drove drunk with your toddler in the car?! What a fucking idiot!

No new news yet greencar

Greencar keep your arse-kicking boots at the ready !

Sometimes people do come to see what a person can really be like. But even if they don't (all) in your case, you saw what he was like and walked away. That's the most important thing. It is satisfying when somebody else gets to see a glimpse of what you've seen and known. Ultimately it doesn't change anything though. In my experience, most people are just concerned with protecting their immediate interests. So even if they come to realise that person has a whole other side, it may make no difference anyway. Just feel good about the fact that you know the truth, and were able to do something about it.

SqueakyEgg Don't feel too bad about the texts you sent. I think it can be good sometimes to have a rant and let them know how you feel. Even if they've got the skin of a rhino why shouldn't they have some anger and harsh words thrown their way. He can interpret it however he likes - but you've got it out of your system.

As for the drunk driving ! Complete irresponsible wanker, I'd want to take a hammer to his car. I think you've every right to send a stinging text about that.

Ooo hammer to the car sounds like a plan.

Well in good news over here I have decided where we're going for our summer holiday this year - going to have a farm holiday where we get to cuddle and take care of the animals and milk the cows and whatnot, DD is going to love it!

My DH is not an ex but we're going through a rocky patch. We were both freelance but work was drying up for me (his has always been sporadic, and he did very little to find work) and so I took a full-time job. It meant moving back from overseas to our hometown, which he hates - but it was going to happen anyway as we had about two months worth of money left in the bank before we couldn't pay the rent or bills - and as I feared no other work has come up. He is at home with our three year-old DD, and she is obviously upset I'm leaving every morning for a job - so he has started to use this as just one of the ways to punish me for my moving us back. He accuses me of being selfish, untrustworthy and manipulative - all the things he is. So, any practical advice on how to deal with this? I have suggested Relate and trying to lock down an appointment. In the meantime I was going to talk to him tonight about stopping using our DD to guilt me - how do I do that without setting him off?

Bobby It seems very unfair that he's blaming you for a situation that neither of you had much/any control over. What was his solution if it wasn't coming back to your hometown? If he wouldn't/couldn't do anything to make it so as you could stay, why is it all your fault?

On the same theme, what does he think punishing you with your dd's feelings about you leaving for work will do? Again, you can't just magic a job/work back where you were ? It seems a very childish, cruel thing to do to you.

Was he like this when you lived overseas, and before the issue of moving back came up? From the outside his behaviour looks really juvenile and selfish. How you speak to him about using your DD to guilt you without setting him off? If he's decided it's all your fault then you probably can't raise it in any way that won't set him off. It sounds very difficult.

lilac
This will be the first big summer holiday we are divorced - we were separated last year but I'm trying to plan ahead for hols now.
Anyone any idea? I work term time only so I have six weeks off. The DC now spend every other weekend (eow) with him.
I've asked which weeks he'll have them - he said it's just eow as he doesn't have them in the week now.
Anyone??

Teabay

Seems a strange thing for him to say. I would have thought he'd jump at the chance of having some quality time with the children over the summer.

Hmmmm.
Not my WN - he thinks he can ruin and control my ''holiday" from work if he doesn't have the DC.
God forbid I might be able to have a bit of a holiday without him or them - I might have fun!

Teabay is there any chance your WN might take the kids away to show off what a great dad he is? my WN is taking our kids abroad for hols for a week this summer with his new gf and her kids. Of course he wouldn't bother spending the money taking them on his own. He is also going with her and her kids back to her home country during the school Easter holidays and leaving our kids with his dad. Charming.

I'm feeling shit today. Just put the house up for sale, it's the only home the kids have really known and I feel so sorry for them having to move. my youngest was actually born in this house. WN is cockahoop at the prospect of getting his hands on the money. He has now rented a house nearby and I doubt he will buy anywhere although he demanded we sell the house because he wanted his equity out. I haven't got the energy to take him to court.
We aren't going to be able to sell for ages because he's dragging his feet over the finances. I feel like I am in limbo and can't get on with my life.

Boring hand hold from here for you That's a huge step having to sell the family home. It hasn't happened for us yet, and I'm so hoping it will be a while before it does. Is there anything positive in the fact that it'll be a fresh start for you, that it'll be your new home and nothing to do with him? Easy for me to say, I know.

I've had a couple of shitty days too. It was one of my dc's birthday, and for lots of reasons everything felt awful. I felt wracked with guilt, anxiety etc. It's feeling better this morning, hope it continues, and I hope your day gets better in some way.

Hi. Does anybody know of any support organisations or charities who can help support me in dealing with court ordered 50:50 shared care of very young children with a physically and emotionally abusive narcissist ex? He admits hitting them - but it is a grey area in the law according to social services. I need some weight behind me! Any ideas please?

Sorry Harold I don't know but maybe the national domestic abuse helpline might be able to signpost you?

Thanks Dusters I feel a bit cheated at the moment. Everyone says what a relief it is to finally come out of an abusive relationship but I am seesawing between anger at him and grief at losing him. He sent me a patronising message earlier that he is not " the author of my misfortunes" stupid twat thinks using long words makes him sound cleverer, he doesn't realise how ludicrous he sounds

Sorry you're having to sell the family home boring agree with dusters try and view it as a fresh start

Oh no harold that's horrible for the children :( Sorry social services consider it a grey area - certainly would not be a grey area over here!

Thanks Natsku I've cheered up a bit now as today

-got the divorce petition in the post so things are moving;
-letter from mortgage company agreeing to decrease repayments since he has moved out;
-2 viewings on the house booked

I feel sad for the kids about moving but I'm not really bothered about it myself and I've already got Pinterest boards on the go for my new place. I'm hoping to be able to afford to decorate my new bedroom in a lovely feminine way that he would hate.

I am so up and down at the moment. Off work today as i couldn't sleep.

boring Hi.

I bought and moved into my own house last Autumn. Although it's a little overwhelming having an entire house to decorate it's also BRILLIANT not having to agree with something you don't want.

You'll never look back xx

Teabay I'm hoping to buy a new ish build that will only need a l

Damn posted too soon!
I'm hoping to buy a nearly new build that will just need a lick of paint and curtains putting up, and iIll be getting someone in to do that. My DIY days are over. I painted all of this house myself (not in one go!) and the previous one, as stbx is chronically incapable of anything practical. I cba to do it again!

Harold If your dc go to a nursery, would they maybe have a list of organisations that might be able to help ? Or perhaps SureStart, although I know a lot have closed down. Failing that, maybe WomensAid could give you some contacts, or the NSPCC? How hitting very young children could be a grey area is just baffling?!

Boring Glad you're feeling a bit brighter today. I love a bit of Pinterest! I really enjoyed redecorating my bedroom. It was sad but also helped me to move on. It is all such a rollercoaster. One day I'm driving along singing at the top of my voice to the car radio. The next, every song is unbearable so I have to turn off or listen to Radio 2!

Thank you all for your suggestions. Apparently the grey area is "reasonable force".