Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

and for you Teabay

Well done for today teabay. And a hand hold for the WN incident, I know exactly what you mean.

Fingers crossed for HJM tomorrow dusters. You're wonderful and I wish I could come and give him a kick up the bum for you! I'm still in WN hell and could use that dustermobile and a large dose of Queen .

to everyone else. Missed you all but just haven't been able to bring myself to post much lately. and and a supersize shipment of WN spray to everyone.

Teabay you need to pat yourself on the back as you've sorted out work despite having a heavy twat burden to deal with. You could have caved and stayed at home but you not only went in you got stuck in.

His latest bad behaviour may be happening as he sees signs of you distancing yourself and getting stronger. He won't change because he's a selfish and weak person. You are changing and he'll look smaller the more you change. As dusters points out a good bit of imagery of WN down a well can be a positive mental image for their twisted moments.

Boring my ex was ok if he was having an easy day (holiday) but useless at supporting anyone else in real life. It is possible to grieve what you thought you had (incl. the bits that were good) while feeling angry at ex's selfishness (the bits that were bad or didn't add up). Sometimes months can pass and things feel easier and suddenly you can have a bad day, but overall it will get easier.

My ex will always try to put me down and manipulate me. The biggest change in me is the not trying to understand him anymore and not really caring in the same way.

People with normal emotions will probably always try to understand why someone else can be so selfish and cold. When that person spends time with your DCs as a parent it's so complicated. We should all be proud for keeping our DCs as priority and keeping an emotional and practical grip.

Green sorry to hear your WN is still being
a complete pain!

Can I come and give HJM a kick too?

Dusters one day we all hope you grab him and snog his face off go for a nice drink together

I posted on the previous thread about my difficult STBXH and was told that he sounded like a narcissist. I have been meaning to return to the thread but it has taken me a while. I now realise & accept he is a narc. I have spent the last few weeks processing it. I realise now he always was. Think what has been more difficult for me is how I never knew he was all the time we were together. Think it has helped me at least try to 'deal' with him though. I am realising just how manipulative and controlling he is. His last contact was a fine display of that. Almost at final stages of sorting out finances although his lawyer has asked for a face to face meeting for us both with our lawyers to sort out how to split it all. The thought of this terrifies me. Can feel my anxiety levels rising when I just think about it. The thought of being in the same room as him seems totally awful. I also can't see how it will help. He has so far been unreasonable about everything so not sure how doing things in person will change that. Has anyone else been in this situation? Was it as bad as you thought it would be? Should also add that I have come to realise how he subjected me to many weeks of emotional and psychological abuse before we eventually split. Again something I didn't see at the time but I do now.

Hi splishing

I know exactly what you mean with most of your post!
Being in the same room as my exh WN terrified me (but I was married to him for 100yrs, ffs!!)
I took advice from here and let the professionals do their job. They really have seen it all before and were able to deal with him brilliantly in the end. I just sort of 'gave him enough rope' ( I was clear, calm, firm and a bit 'grey rock' whilst looking at the solicitors for help) and he definitely showed his true colours.
Two practical things I did - I wrote on some post it notes what I definitely WOULD NOT BUDGE on (amount of equity, pension share, DC custody etc) and this kept me focused.
I also used the trick I use in my professional life a lot, which is to not speak a lot. If you leave silences, say the minimum then wait, look at people like they should be speaking you'll be AMAZED at the compunction people have to 'fill the gap' of silence with more explanation.
In any case this meant he rambled a bit more, attempted to justify himself a bit more, went on a bit and in doing so he tied himself up in knots and finally conceded points.
In front of a listening, note taking audience.

Absolutely brilliant.

Thanks teabay that's useful. It's the one thing I at least feel confident about - my SHL won't take any of his nonsense. So I guess if I do have to be at this meeting then I can leave it all to her. Certainly like the idea of saying the minimum. He definitely is a talker too so could go in my favour!

Love that you have a SHL.
Post on here on the morning of your meeting and the universe will send you love and luck!

Glad work went well Teabay hope you are coping ok with the WN incident

Good luck at the meeting Splishing

Thanks teabag and natsku

Have spoken to my lawyer now and she is going to try to not have the meeting for the time being. Has something she would like to try first. Don't want to go into a lot of detail since it will be too outing but needless to say she wasn't very impressed with some of the stuff he has done recently. Think I am starting to feel sorry for his lawyer and all the crap he is putting her through! Certainly feeling more positive than I was this morning. Hope it lasts

Hi Greencar , I've been thinking about you and wishing/hoping things had improved. I wish you lived near, we'd definitely go out in the duster mobile, with Sir Freddy singing at the top of his voice.

I'd drive into your WN's front room and give him a piece of my mind ! Then, we'd go to HJMs. You can give him a kick up the bum with the combined strength of MN behind you, and a good shake. I'm going to have to "seize the day" the next time I see him, as the opportunities to see him are few and far between. I'm beginning to bore myself !!

I agree with Teabay about leaving silences. I never used to be able to do it. When you do, it's like a magic trick. I have to do it very consciously as I'm a right chatterbox, but it can really work.

Seize the day!

Leaving silences doesn't work with my ex, he talks over everyone and doesn't give anyone a chance to leave a silence. Absolutely impossible to talk with him as he doesn't listen, just gets louder and louder, even the social workers have given up trying to talk to him.

natsku
😂😂😂

Got an email from my lawyer yesterday saying that the court bailiff has been trying to get in contact with my ex and surprise surprise he's not answering his phone - still able to leave 13 missed calls on my phone though!

So happy to have found this thread! Very recently split from narc EXDP and I'm finding it really tough.
I gave birth 7 weeks ago and have also been suffering from PND so have been struggling !
What is causing me the rage at the moment are all
The shitty texts he is sending about how I've made him so unhappy but when he comes to see dcs he's trying to hug me etc etc
He's going abroad tommorow for a week so I suggested he has them from 4-6 tonight which was met with he can't as he's got to pack etc I did point out he could have done that last night but no of course HE HAS HIS OWN LIFE ffs! No doubt he's off currently playing the victim to his friends etc but I really hope the truth comes out soon (I know I'm
Not that lucky) because it's not him who is the bloody victim!! Also when I try to discuss access he's very dismissive and just says I'll have them both if you can't cope so now I spend time worrying he might try to take them off of me 😓

He won't take them off you squeaky egg - I too thought that, and he said he would but after divorce he is really showing that he can't be arsed and is reducing contact all the time.
Have a nice breather whilst your WN is away!

I really hope not - he can be so manipulative at times!!! I intend to - will be blocking his number whilst he's gone and have agreed to send him pictures of the kids via an app so can't really get much fairer! Looking forward to not having to worry every day!

Hi SqueakyEgg (great name!) Your WN looks to be ideally suited to spending time on WN island, along with all the other lovelies on this thread . All the classic stuff, you're so mean/let me hug you, I must see my children/oh not now I'm so busy. I'm sure that a man who's content not to see his dc the night before being away for a week, is not the man who wants them full time. He'd like you to think he wants them, but that's just about him and you.

Totally agree with blocking him on your phone. Take control and communicate on your terms. Also, I doubt anyone with half a brain is looking at you with a 7 week old and other dc and thinking he's the victim. If they are, then more fool them.

Classic WN for sure

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't posted much, I have been reading and you all seem to have it together so I don't feel i can give any advice to your situation iykwim.

So the last week or so things seemed to improve a little bit in terms of our communication and he seemed to be trying to sort himself out. Yesterday everything changed again, I went over to drop off the kids stuff as he was having them overnight and I could sense his anger. He was pissed with me because he found out I had told a mutual friend of ours we had split up. I have seen this girl many times since I left and hadn't said anything but yesterday she looked me in the eyes and asked me if everything was ok. I told her the basics, nothing more, I had left 5 weeks ago. That was it. She told me to call for coffee. Anyway her husband got in contact with Ex and he was pissed I had told her.

He then started saying loudly (the kids could here, they were in another room) that I need to tell him if there is ever going to be a chance again, and that he will have to move back to England. This is really upsetting for me, because i don't want him to leave the boys, they need him in their lives. Also if and when we sell our house he will get half, a very nice sum plus he has some money in the Uk form his fathers inheritance. So I said to him with that money you could buy a great house here and have money to live on for several years/ build up a business in something. Its like he is taking the easy option. Only 4 days ago he told me he might buy a new car!!

I have told him on numerous occasions I don't want to talk about this in front of the kids, he doesn't listen. I have also told him i am not prepared to make a life changing decision on the basis that he went to the doctors in 5 weeks. I know in my gut I am 99.9% sure i won't go back, but I don't feel quite ready to tell him that yet.

Usually we leave the kids stuff at their school so its there when the other picks up. This morning I got a text saying "the bag is outside your front door". He hasn't been to this house yet, and told me he didn't know where it was (he is terrible at directions). I don't feel threatened but I am a bit creeped out by this.

He goes to France on Friday to visit some friends, I was going to suggest before this he came over when the boys are at football tonight to see the house and chat, but this has changed everything.

Advice please!!

I have blocked his number which I feel good about! Spoken with my Gp today, I've got PND and she's given me some ADs and referred me for counselling which I hope will help!
Still so angry, think I need to block him on Facebook as he has plastered all over it about his holiday and all
His friends and family are telling him to have a great time which winds me up because I don't think anyone's given a thought to me being at home with the babies! Annnnnd breathe! Thanks for your comments ladies, makes me feel much better knowing I'm not alone :)

Splishing I didnt realise my STBXH was a narc either. If you had, you wouldn;t have stayed with him, so don't beat yourself up.

I think I thought a narc was someone who was physically vain, and my STBX is the exact opposite, so it ever occurred to me.

Hi Pudding Just had a quick look back through your earlier posts. When you read them consecutively it feels like your ex is still trying to call the shots. He's not listening to you, or respecting your decisions. It's all about his timetable, what you should be telling him, and not telling others. My ex was keen that nobody should be told we had split up. He didn't want to make it real, final, and I think hoped that things would change.

I suspect your ex feels that by telling your friend what's happened he's lost control of the situation. He was waiting for confirmation from you that there was no hope for the future. Maybe this has been a blessing in disguise. He must have realised you were unhappy. Like you say, apart from a GP visit what's he done to try and change/improve things in the last 5 weeks? You know it's the end, but because you're not a selfish narc it's hard to tell the other person.

As for leaving the country. You say he's close to the dc and they love being with him. This just sounds like another hollow threat. He wants to see how far he can push you, and this is probably his trump card. He's probably hoping you'll panic and take him back just in case the dc lose him. It seems unlikely he'll really go. It's not a choice between life as a family or him alone back in the UK. As you say, he can have a separate life where you are now. He's making it look like you're pushing him into it, but you're not.

I think I'd be tempted to tell him that yes, it is really over. No doubt he'll go in to overdrive, but there's nothing you can do about that. I think you may have to consider seriously limiting communications with him. He doesn't have the right to pick fights with you in front of the dc, and he can't bully or intimidate you. Perhaps suggest you only text and email from now on, and only about the dc. If he changes his behaviour then you'd reconsider face-to-face and phone contact. Put the ball in his court.

I agree with dusters call his bluff, I highly doubt he'll leave and go back to England but if he does then the children are better off without him.