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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling pressured into sex - new relationship.

135 replies

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 07:40

I have been seeing this guy for 6 weeks, we met online and everything seemed to be going great. He is a lovely guy, funny, kind but we have started to have an issue recently. He lives with his family and I live with my family, and so far I haven't felt comfortable enough to have sex with him. I find it awkward being in other peoples houses where they could potentially hear etc and for the first time I would rather us be on our own.

It started a couple of weeks ago when we both got slightly drunk. I ended up going back to his and we did things but I stopped it because we didn't have protection and neither of us had been tested at that point. This was fine. Another time I went back to his again and he started initiating on the sofa, to which I started then stopped as I had to get home to my toddler.

Late last night he instigated again on the family sofa. We started things and again I said no because I had to get back to my own home to get up for my 2 year old toddler. Not only that but I also felt awkward in his family home, on his sofa or in his room with all his family milling around. I've only known the guy 6 weeks.

I suggested we go away at the weekend so we can be alone and I won't have any responsibilities e.g. having to get up early, work etc.

After I left his last night he sent me a text saying he didn't want to see me again because I clearly wasn't comfortable with him and it was just getting frustrating for him. I tried to explain that it wasn't a case of not being comfortable, it's just been unfavourable circumstances coupled with me coming out of a very bad relationship recently.

Should I contact him again and try to resolve this? Am I being unreasonable to think he's being quite shallow and focusing too much on sex? I do feel like I had led him on those 3 times, but I feel like he should be understanding given the aforementioned circumstances. I feel like if he genuinely liked my personality (like I do with him) he wouldn't mind waiting until the circumstances were right for both of us.

What would you do?

OP posts:

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 15/02/2017 07:42

Walk away. You're already uncomfortable with the situation, how is this ever going to end well so early in a relationship?

TheNaze73 · 15/02/2017 07:43

I wouldn't bother. He's unhappy, you're unhappy, I can't see the point.

category12 · 15/02/2017 07:46

If you're feeling pressured, then it's not right. Let him go, he's not worth trying to hang on to.

OliviaStabler · 15/02/2017 07:46

I'd block his number and walk away. He clearly wants sex more than he cares for your feelings.

lindylove14 · 15/02/2017 07:46

The idea of shagging on the family sofa is quite grim and certainly not conducive to a pleasurable experience. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You've made the suggestion of going away so it's not like you haven't offered a solution. In fact it's him being completely unreasonable if he can't understand this - if he wants a shag, I think he needs to woo you.

Maverickismywingman · 15/02/2017 07:46

No one gets a free pass for sex.
You have your reasons, and you have made suggestions, which he is unhappy with.

At this point I would say that it's early in the relationship, and I think there will always be a reason not to have sex. If you are uncomfortable at six weeks, and there's no compromise - time to move on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2017 07:48

I would not contact him again. I think you've had a lucky escape actually.

If you have recently come out of a very bad relationship then I would argue you are not ready to date yet because your boundaries are still skewed by that. I would actually look into enrolling on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

TupperwareTat · 15/02/2017 07:49

Move on. Definately. I wouldnt respond to his text either. You have the upper hand here.

HardToDeal · 15/02/2017 07:50

It's not working for either of you - from his point of view, if you're uncomfortable doing it with family around then you're never going to have sex, realistically, because you both live with families, and if he feels that's important to him then it is! I mean, yes, he should care for your feelings etc but also it's not unreasonable for him to think sex is something that might happen 6 weeks into something. He's not wrong and neither are you. You just don't see things the same way.

HerOtherHalf · 15/02/2017 07:50

It's not gojng to work so take the opportunity to walk away. Even if you did go away for a sexy weekend, you're still going to have the same logistical issues when you return to normality. Let him go and make sure the next man you date has his own place. I completely understand your discomfort btw, why would anyone want to get intimate with other people in the immediate vicinity?

AyeAmarok · 15/02/2017 07:50

I'd walk away.

Shagging on the living room sofa/with his family about? No thanks.

And he's so desperate to get laid he doesn't care how uncomfortable you feel.

He's not a keeper. Dump and move on.

MiniAlphaBravo · 15/02/2017 07:51

Wow he sounds horrible and how could you feel comfortable having sex on his family's sofa?!? Please don't contact him again, he's not a good one.

cariboo · 15/02/2017 07:52

At six weeks into a relationship, if you're not gagging for it, then he's not the one for you. Most adults in this situation find a place they can be alone (such as a hotel room, B&B, whatever) and have a blast.

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 07:54

It's not the case that I will never feel comfortable in his family home, I've dated people in the past where we have progressed to having sex in our bedrooms. I've been to his family home twice and his room is directly next to his sisters, and so early on into the relationship I don't feel comfortable with that just yet.

I suggested the weekend away so we could have time to get to know each other alone, free of distractions and feeling uncomfortable because of family etc.

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable in his family home forever, as I explained to him.

OP posts:

therootoftheroot · 15/02/2017 07:55

It's only six weeks in! Whatever happened to getting to know each other?
Be glad to be rid of him.

Lessthanaballpark · 15/02/2017 08:03

Jesus OP you don't need to justify to anyone why you don't want to have sex on the sofa in his parents' house!

He seems shallow in the extreme.

CookieLady · 15/02/2017 08:04

Walk away. He's not going to suddenly become more caring or understanding. You offered a very reasonable suggestion but he's thrown his toys out the pram. If you stay with him, he'll only continue to be like that.

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 08:07

It didn't necessarily have to happen on his families sofa, we could've gone to his bedroom. He just started it there and I said no to progressing it further as I had to get back to my house.

It's a shame because we got on so well otherwise. I do feeling like I have led him on at times, and can understand his annoyance. At the same time I don't see the problem with waiting until the circumstances suit both of us. He sees that as a personal attack on his ego and thinks I am not that into him because of it.

OP posts:

EighthElement · 15/02/2017 08:14

YANBU - imagine if his mum came downstairs, nightmare.
He should be more understanding of that.

I agree, walk away, not because of no sex, but because he is trying to make you do something by making you feel bad.

Gallavich · 15/02/2017 08:16

He's an idiot. Move on.

TheStoic · 15/02/2017 08:24

One word text response to him:

"OK"

Areyoulocal · 15/02/2017 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FinallyHere · 15/02/2017 08:27

It's a shame because we got on so well otherwise. I do feeling like I have led him on at times, and can understand his annoyance.

Just no. Please, stop making excuses for a man who placed his own sexual gratification above your comfort and feelings. If he starts with that approach , he is never going to get better. Just imagine how much worse it could get with him not caring for you so long as he gets what he wants

Find someone who wants, insists that sex is a good experience for both of you. That would be a minimum requirement for a good relationship.

PP upthread mentioned the freedom program. Have a lot at it, to help you work out what to look for in a partner. All the best
Someone ipthread

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 08:38

I think you are all right and I should just block him and move on. I just can't seem to meet anyone decent

OP posts:

Notagain2017 · 15/02/2017 08:41

Will you ever be comfortable shagging on the family sofa or disappearing to his bedroom in the family home? Will you ever not have to rush off for your toddler?

If nothing is going to change, I don't see the point in seeing him again.

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