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Relationships

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Original poster

Feeling pressured into sex - new relationship.

135 replies

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 07:40

I have been seeing this guy for 6 weeks, we met online and everything seemed to be going great. He is a lovely guy, funny, kind but we have started to have an issue recently. He lives with his family and I live with my family, and so far I haven't felt comfortable enough to have sex with him. I find it awkward being in other peoples houses where they could potentially hear etc and for the first time I would rather us be on our own.

It started a couple of weeks ago when we both got slightly drunk. I ended up going back to his and we did things but I stopped it because we didn't have protection and neither of us had been tested at that point. This was fine. Another time I went back to his again and he started initiating on the sofa, to which I started then stopped as I had to get home to my toddler.

Late last night he instigated again on the family sofa. We started things and again I said no because I had to get back to my own home to get up for my 2 year old toddler. Not only that but I also felt awkward in his family home, on his sofa or in his room with all his family milling around. I've only known the guy 6 weeks.

I suggested we go away at the weekend so we can be alone and I won't have any responsibilities e.g. having to get up early, work etc.

After I left his last night he sent me a text saying he didn't want to see me again because I clearly wasn't comfortable with him and it was just getting frustrating for him. I tried to explain that it wasn't a case of not being comfortable, it's just been unfavourable circumstances coupled with me coming out of a very bad relationship recently.

Should I contact him again and try to resolve this? Am I being unreasonable to think he's being quite shallow and focusing too much on sex? I do feel like I had led him on those 3 times, but I feel like he should be understanding given the aforementioned circumstances. I feel like if he genuinely liked my personality (like I do with him) he wouldn't mind waiting until the circumstances were right for both of us.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Olympiathequeen · 15/02/2017 10:22

Walk away. Anyone with an ounce of decency would understand what you are saying and see things from your point of view.

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/02/2017 10:29

A 28 year old man sulking because you didn't want to have sex on his Mum's sofa five minutes after his sister went to bed? That is grim stuff.

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 10:36

After I left his last night he sent me a text saying he didn't want to see me again because I clearly wasn't comfortable with him and it was just getting frustrating for him.

I suspect that his frustration comes from you dangling the carrot saying that you do want to sleep with him only for that to end up with - but not tonight, I'm off home.

Ultimately you are not on the same page and he has recognized that. I think you should accept his statement, say shame it didn't work out, move on and let him do the same.

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 10:37

Thank you all for your replies. You've made me feel not insane! If he is behaving like this after only knowing one another for 6 weeks then that doesn't bode well for future. A partner should respect your boundaries and not sulk if you turn them down for sex, especially in circumstances that you've already explained your position on.

Giving someone the cold shoulder, making them feel even more uncomfortable and directing them towards the door is not reasonable or kind behaviour.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2017 10:40

Yes your on different pages. He wants sex, probably wanted a relationship with you because he wants sex, your not ready yet. You shouldent feel pressured. There is this awareness going called Tea. Likening consent with cup of tea.

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 10:43

maybe it was your gut telling you he just wasn't a good match. i can't think of many people i know who'd be happy to have a relationship in their 20s where the sex was typically going to happen in their parents house. The bloke wasn't that desperate if he didn't want to go away for a weekend was he?

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 10:45

We were meant to be going away this weekend (Friday - Sunday). But he has called things off since I rejected his advances to take things further yesterday.

OP posts:

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 10:46

still sounds a good call - it makes even less sense then as he's ignored a clear boundary you set and then got huffy about it. Hardly a long time to wait.

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 10:51

I shouldn't have started reciprocated his advances initially, knowing that I was going to say no ultimately. That wasn't fair on my part. Never mind, I'll put it down as experience for next time I am seeing someone.

OP posts:

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 10:58

well it sounds like he was being pushy in the first place when you'd said you wanted to go away - so 6 of one. Don't beat yourself up about that.

RockyBird · 15/02/2017 11:02

Ugh that text.

Please be clear about something. Whether you initiate things or not, at any point it is absolutely fine to call a halt to proceedings. Absolutely fine.

Draw a line under it and don't give him another thought.

OnTheRise · 15/02/2017 11:03

It's perfectly reasonable for you to reciprocate if you want to. Having a bit of fun does not mean you're already committed to going further. Never. It's perfectly reasonable for you to say no at any moment. To stop at any moment. If he is telling you otherwise then he's wrong. You're much better off without this one.

Have you seen the consent/cup of tea analogy? It's well worth a look.

HerOtherHalf · 15/02/2017 11:21

You're being far too hard on yourself. Most adults should be able to enjoy a snog and a fool around without feeling obliged or entitled to anything more if both aren't up for it. I do not see that you have done anything wrong at all personally.

Jessica4444 · 15/02/2017 11:43

I don't see how he pressured you here? You did things as much as him you said no, you went home, he felt rejected and was kind to break things off as it doesn't work for either of you. Move on worry no more about it.

MPerspective · 15/02/2017 11:47

He's an idiot with his brain and level of respect functioning in the wrong head.

Dismiss him.

Happybunny19 · 15/02/2017 11:48

It's perfectly acceptable to want a smog and fumble without any obligation to engage in full intercourse. You don't need to take any responsibility for leading him on at all, he's a dick who has now shown his true colours by showing you the door. Count this one as a lucky escape OP.

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 11:50

The reason I felt pressured is because he acted totally off and cold towards me when I said no. And the same happened the previous time I said no as well, he suddenly went cold on me and wanted me out of his house ASAP. There was no 'Don't worry its fine, I understand if you want to go home'. Just getting up, turning the lights on and directing me towards the door. Literally.

OP posts:

Jessica4444 · 15/02/2017 11:52

Then as you put it like that you gave him too much of your precious time he wasn't worthy of you, get back to dating and choose carefully.good luck

EliCon · 15/02/2017 11:55

I think he should have invested more effort into communicating with you about the problem and why you aren't comfortable. If that is not met, then there is a problem.

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 12:03

it's so funny, this is such an obvious deal breaker to me - he's a 28 year old man who thinks shagging on a sofa or in a bedroom at his parents' house as a matter of course is just fine. When did this become acceptable?

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 12:11

Exactly EliCon. I am a very communicative person, I've tried to explain my position in the past and would've been more than happy to open a line of conversation with him about it. Instead he took it upon himself to assume that I am not into him and break things off, without even trying to talk like a reasonable adult.

Fakenewsday I completely agree. Although I have done it in the past, certainly not within the first 6 weeks or even 6 months of a relationship. If I am seriously considering a relationship with someone, it's not really a great first impression as well as being very awkward. I don't understand how he can act totally incredulous to the fact that having sex with family members in ear shot might make someone feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 12:14

no he's a prize wally, and very very immature, as well as trying to manipulate you into caving in. Anybody with any sense would be 'incompatible' with him. Hardly loves young dream.

kel1234 · 15/02/2017 12:18

No one should ever feel pressured into sex. It seems that's what he was interested in, more so than your feelings. The nice thing to do would be for him to sit down with you and find how how you feel about the situation, and discuss what's best.
I'd let it go

Hissy · 15/02/2017 12:26

Just getting up, turning the lights on and directing me towards the door. Literally.

good god... he treated you like a whore FGS!

hmm... wonder why he's single?

this is ALL on him love, not you. He's the fucked up one, normal people don't treat others like this!

EighthElement · 15/02/2017 12:29

omg, the coldness paints a very clear picture!
What a dick head.

I suspect though, that although he's ''broken it off'' you will hear from him again. This kind of dickhead ''invests'' six weeks in to sex, not in to getting to know you so I think it's a tactic designed to make you rush over and say I'm so sorry I'll shag you in your Dad's potting shed while your mum watches us washing up.

As a pp says, it's such an obvious deal breaker it's nearly funny and good luck to him finding somebody he can manipulate.

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