Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Feeling pressured into sex - new relationship.

135 replies

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 07:40

I have been seeing this guy for 6 weeks, we met online and everything seemed to be going great. He is a lovely guy, funny, kind but we have started to have an issue recently. He lives with his family and I live with my family, and so far I haven't felt comfortable enough to have sex with him. I find it awkward being in other peoples houses where they could potentially hear etc and for the first time I would rather us be on our own.

It started a couple of weeks ago when we both got slightly drunk. I ended up going back to his and we did things but I stopped it because we didn't have protection and neither of us had been tested at that point. This was fine. Another time I went back to his again and he started initiating on the sofa, to which I started then stopped as I had to get home to my toddler.

Late last night he instigated again on the family sofa. We started things and again I said no because I had to get back to my own home to get up for my 2 year old toddler. Not only that but I also felt awkward in his family home, on his sofa or in his room with all his family milling around. I've only known the guy 6 weeks.

I suggested we go away at the weekend so we can be alone and I won't have any responsibilities e.g. having to get up early, work etc.

After I left his last night he sent me a text saying he didn't want to see me again because I clearly wasn't comfortable with him and it was just getting frustrating for him. I tried to explain that it wasn't a case of not being comfortable, it's just been unfavourable circumstances coupled with me coming out of a very bad relationship recently.

Should I contact him again and try to resolve this? Am I being unreasonable to think he's being quite shallow and focusing too much on sex? I do feel like I had led him on those 3 times, but I feel like he should be understanding given the aforementioned circumstances. I feel like if he genuinely liked my personality (like I do with him) he wouldn't mind waiting until the circumstances were right for both of us.

What would you do?

OP posts:

specialsubject · 15/02/2017 09:38

Chuck now or get dumped once you have had sex. I know what I would choose..

FurryLittleTwerp · 15/02/2017 09:39

Your latest update shows him to be a complete tosser!

Greaterexpectations · 15/02/2017 09:39

There's nothing unreasonable about your behaviour at all.

His behaviour on the other hand is totally unreasonable.

He sees that as a personal attack on his ego and thinks I am not that into him because of it.

After I turned him down last night he did a complete 180 too. He was extremely cold towards me and just directed me towards the door.

This type of behaviour would be huge red flags for me 6 weeks into a relationship. Dump him. There's no excuse for him to treat you like this.

FurryLittleTwerp · 15/02/2017 09:40

Sorry, the penultimate update - I missed some

Gallavich · 15/02/2017 09:40

He has absolutely done something wrong
He has tried to initiate sex in environments which are not suitable and under conditions that the op doesn't feel able to be sexual. She has told him she is up for sex under the right conditions and he has told her to sling her hook because she won't put out on his Mum's sofa

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 09:41

How is his behaviour unreasonable? He hasn't actually done anything wrong. He wanted sex with a new potential partner in the first 6 weeks. She didn't feel comfortable in the house. He's now ended things. Is he expected to get into a relationship if it's not what he wants.

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 09:42

He tried to initiate. She wasn't comfortable. He's ended it. What's the problem?

TeaCake5 · 15/02/2017 09:43

"After I turned him down last night he did a complete 180 too. He was extremely cold towards me and just directed me towards the door"

Yeah sounds like really reasonable and kind behaviour would love to see what some posters this is unreasonable then

ladyfromvenus · 15/02/2017 09:46

Phoney that sounds like a male point of view to me.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 15/02/2017 09:46

You want to wait until:
-there's no chance of his family bursting in
-you've been tested for STIs
-you have protection
-you don't have to be there to get up and care for your son
-you're ready

I think you sound very sensible for a 23 year old!

Please, please, please do not contact this man. He has made it clear he wants you for sex and that is more important than anything else. That is creepy, selfish and immature.

Is that a man you want as a partner? And around your child?

Be pleased he revealed his true colours before things went too far and move on quickly.

conscientioussuicidee · 15/02/2017 09:49

The fact that he saw your saying no as an attack on his ego says enough to me.

It's all about him. He lacks empathy and this won't improve in time.

Walk away with your values intact and find someone who deserves you.

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 09:49

Ladyfromvenus, no, that's just my opinion. I think they seem incompatible and to slag him off is a bit harsh. It sounds like a really awkward situation and best to move on.

Greaterexpectations · 15/02/2017 09:50

Totally agree teacake. Doing a 180 and turning extremely cold is never reasonable. Anyone who's been on the receiving end of that type of behaviour would agree.

Morphene · 15/02/2017 09:50

In case it isn't obvious, going cold on someone and showing them the door because they don't want to have sex right in that moment is massively unreasonable.

You are well shot of this one.

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 09:52

And I am allowed to state my opinion without being accused of being a male. Jesus.

xStefx · 15/02/2017 09:53

OP, him going cold towards you because you didn't want sex would tell me what kind of relationship your in for if you were to pursue things with him. We (mumsnetters) spend so much time pointing out Narc and abusive behaviour to people who have been stuck in relationships like this for ages. I think his comment was infact a saving grace to warn you to get the fuck away from that loser. Thankgod you didn't have sex with him, he sounds like a twat

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 09:53

He's 28 and he can't treat women better than this or understand why you don't want a quick bang on the family sofa? He's a total frog and I don't think he's going to turn into a prince. Ditch him, the only way blokes like this will ever get better is if they get shown the door fast enough times that they eventually realize it's something about them. I wouldn't wait around though...plenty of friends have met lovely men online but you just have to weed out the losers quickly, this guy is clearly one of those.

StarUtopia · 15/02/2017 09:58

Oh dear, get rid, What an idiot.

He will never be the right guy sadly.

I didn't meet my decent guy until I was 36. Looking back, I wish I hadn't compromised myself beforehand trying to please so many crappy men Just focus on yourself and your own hobbies etc and forget about meeting a decent guy. It will happen.

hoddtastic · 15/02/2017 09:58

this site has turned into the Cathy and Claire pages hasn't it? Gay teenagers, Australian single men all seeking advice from Mumsnetters.

If only there were anywhere else on the internet or in the world they could get advice?

Not RTFT

Peanutbutterrules · 15/02/2017 10:01

Be thankful you saw this side of him now.

Run for the hills.

Hissy · 15/02/2017 10:05

After I turned him down last night he did a complete 180 too. He was extremely cold towards me and just directed me towards the door.

For THIS reason alone YOU need to dump HIM.

Hes AWFUL! and yes, please look at The Freedom Programme

AnyFucker · 15/02/2017 10:06

Yanbu

Lweji · 15/02/2017 10:12

He still lives with his parents at 28?
Why?

Don't message him.

I am going to bet that he will contact you if you don't, but I would just leave it at that or simply reply that he's right and you better split up.

mummytime · 15/02/2017 10:14

YANBU

Have you heard that what should be looked for in sexual partners is not consent but enthusiasm. You were not enthusiastic - wrong circumstances, therefore him trying to pressurise you was wrong.
Build up your self esteem, maybe do the Freedom Program, and love yourself. He is really not worth it.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2017 10:16

No let him go, you shouldent feel pressured. He's done you a favour.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6