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Original poster

Feeling pressured into sex - new relationship.

135 replies

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 07:40

I have been seeing this guy for 6 weeks, we met online and everything seemed to be going great. He is a lovely guy, funny, kind but we have started to have an issue recently. He lives with his family and I live with my family, and so far I haven't felt comfortable enough to have sex with him. I find it awkward being in other peoples houses where they could potentially hear etc and for the first time I would rather us be on our own.

It started a couple of weeks ago when we both got slightly drunk. I ended up going back to his and we did things but I stopped it because we didn't have protection and neither of us had been tested at that point. This was fine. Another time I went back to his again and he started initiating on the sofa, to which I started then stopped as I had to get home to my toddler.

Late last night he instigated again on the family sofa. We started things and again I said no because I had to get back to my own home to get up for my 2 year old toddler. Not only that but I also felt awkward in his family home, on his sofa or in his room with all his family milling around. I've only known the guy 6 weeks.

I suggested we go away at the weekend so we can be alone and I won't have any responsibilities e.g. having to get up early, work etc.

After I left his last night he sent me a text saying he didn't want to see me again because I clearly wasn't comfortable with him and it was just getting frustrating for him. I tried to explain that it wasn't a case of not being comfortable, it's just been unfavourable circumstances coupled with me coming out of a very bad relationship recently.

Should I contact him again and try to resolve this? Am I being unreasonable to think he's being quite shallow and focusing too much on sex? I do feel like I had led him on those 3 times, but I feel like he should be understanding given the aforementioned circumstances. I feel like if he genuinely liked my personality (like I do with him) he wouldn't mind waiting until the circumstances were right for both of us.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 08:47

Notagain2017 - His bedroom yes, family sofa? No.

I am a single mum and I have my toddler Mon-Fri. I can't stay out all night when I have got to get back to get up with him, obviously. It would be totally different if it were a weekend when my ExP has him. Or if we went away for the weekend as I suggested.

Like I said I can understand his annoyance at being led on and then refused, I totally get that. But it's not as though I haven't offered a solution?

OP posts:
Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 08:51

I don't think he's done anything wring and I don't know why other posters are giving him grief. He has tried to initiate sex with a new potential partner on a few occasions. Now after 6 weeks he has said the relationship isn't working out for him as you are not sexually compatible. What's the problem with his approach exactly? He hasn't tried to force you or hurt you. He's behaved as a man should behave, surely. He wanted sex with a new parter within 6 weeks. You didn't. He said he doesn't want to carry on.

You don't have to have sex with him, your personal choice and totally understandable. It's also his choice not to pursue a relationship with you.

AyeAmarok · 15/02/2017 08:53

I've been to his family home twice and his room is directly next to his sisters, and so early on into the relationship I don't feel comfortable with that just yet.

I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable with that, and I don't think I am odd.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2017 08:58

You are not compatible

Move along

Notagain2017 · 15/02/2017 09:01

It all sounds very teenage. How old are you both?

Mind you the last guy I dumped lived with his parents at the age of 53.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 15/02/2017 09:02

I think you should move on as you don't sound compatible. But I don't think it's fair that other posters are calling him an idiot etc because he actually hasn't done anything wrong. People are allowed to want sex. There's no problem at all with wanting sex to be part of a romantic relationship and he is probably just thinking that if the two of you can't manage it now when things are new and exciting, it's not going to get any better because your living arrangements are not going to change imminently.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 15/02/2017 09:03

I think you should move on as you don't sound compatible. But I don't think it's fair that other posters are calling him an idiot etc because he actually hasn't done anything wrong. People are allowed to want sex. There's no problem at all with wanting sex to be part of a romantic relationship and he is probably just thinking that if the two of you can't manage it now when things are new and exciting, it's not going to get any better because your living arrangements are not going to change imminently.

Original poster
FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 09:03

I am 23, he is 28.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2017 09:06

Love your own self for a change OP. And I would also look carefully re enrolling onto the Freedom Programme.

AyeAmarok · 15/02/2017 09:08

OP, could you please clarify, were his family actually in the house when you two started getting it on on the sofa?

Original poster
FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 09:10

Yes his sister was around, she had just gone to bed about 5 minutes previously.

OP posts:
TheElephantofSurprise · 15/02/2017 09:11

Your body, your choice. Forget this loser, anyone who pressurises you for sex isn't worth your trouble.

Original poster
FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 09:15

After I turned him down last night he did a complete 180 too. He was extremely cold towards me and just directed me towards the door.

OP posts:
Dinnerout1 · 15/02/2017 09:18

He's pressurising you so he's clearly not a nice guy! If he was to stick around he would wait. Don't do anything you don't want to do and feel uncomfortable which is how he is making you feel. What an arsehole! I wouldn't bother with him tbh.. There are more fish in the sea that can and do wait and don't just put a relationship all about sex which he clearly thinks. Family sofa doesn't sound very romantic for your first sexual experience together, he obviously wants passion and a quickie whilst you want to take it slow. You don't sound as if you are really into this bloke so I wouldn't bother and just find someone who's interested in spending time with you and getting to know you for you not what pleasure you can give them in the family sofa!

TheProblemOfSusan · 15/02/2017 09:20

Yeah, this is a major red flag for me. You've made it clear that you would like a sexual relationship to start but not under these circumstances and he is just completely ignoring your totally reasonable wishes. That's not someone I would be bothering with again.

ALSO he still lives at home at his age - unless he was demonstrating extreme maturity in other areas I would be VERY leery of this, but I do appreciate that even though he's only 6 or 7 years younger than me it's very hard for people to move out sometimes - that age gap can be a big wage gap with the economy crashing and all. But I'd need to see some serious evidence that he's not a manchild and the way he's behaved so far is suggesting he is.

TeamWolf · 15/02/2017 09:22

Nice. You're feeling obliged and pressured 6 weeks in?

Well no wonder he's frustrated, he's had to keep up the gentleman act for over the month.

Walk away!

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 09:22

He clearly doesn't want to be starting a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have sex with him. That's his choice and his right. You are not entitled to a relationship with him and he is allowed to call things off if it's not working for him. You are both not compatible. Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept that you guys aren't right for each other and move on.

TeaCake5 · 15/02/2017 09:23

Sounds like a knob. Also cut out this "leading him on" idea - anyone can decide to stop any sex activity at any point for any reason.

Original poster
FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 09:26

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him though. If I straight up said, 'I don't want to have sex with you for the foreseeable', then I could understand his reaction. The fact is I have said to him that I do want to have sex with him, just not under the current circumstances of my family home or his family home. I have communicated this to him and told him that this has no reflection on my desire towards him. Hence why I suggested we go away this weekend.

I don't understand what is unreasonable about that? Confused

OP posts:
HappyAxolotl · 15/02/2017 09:29

Urgh, pushy weirdo. Fair enough he wants sex with you, and it sounds like you want to with him as well, just that you want it to be in a more private place without his family milling around in the next room and without you having to rush off to relieve the babysitter. That sounds totally reasonable. You're ready when you're ready and nice blokes listen to "not here and now" or "not just yet".

Sorry this one has been a wally but remember that losing him leaves the way clear for a bloke who isn't a wally. They exist!

TeaCake5 · 15/02/2017 09:30

Do you want such stress and conflict 6 weeks into a relationship?

Scrumptiousbears · 15/02/2017 09:33

He has clearly thrown his teddy out of the pram and tried the "let's split" threat to pressure you.

However with all your concerns family home/getting home for toddler/no protection/no STI tests you are still carried one letting him go so far then pulled away. No wonder he is frustrated. Have you actually had the conversations about all of your concerns before you started to get intimate?

Communication is key your giving nixed messages to us let alone home. I do however think you should let this one go.

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 09:34

OP, he lives at home and you live at home. You might want sex with him if the conditions were right, but maybe he wants to be with someone who is comfortable having sex with him at his home. That doesnt mean that you are wrong or these is anything wrong with you. It's your choice not to and it's his choice to try and find a partner that is comfortable.

He's not forcing you into anything or demanding you have sex with him. He accepts that you are uncomfortable and is moving on.

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 09:35

The 'lests split' test to pressure you? What nonsense. He is allowed to say that he wants to move on if sex is not working for him.

ladyfromvenus · 15/02/2017 09:37

He became cold and showed you to the door when you said no, that makes me wonder if he would be cold and show you to the door if you had said yes. You don't want to feel dismissed, like he's got what he wanted and you should just go. Please be careful, it doesn't sound good