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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling pressured into sex - new relationship.

135 replies

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 07:40

I have been seeing this guy for 6 weeks, we met online and everything seemed to be going great. He is a lovely guy, funny, kind but we have started to have an issue recently. He lives with his family and I live with my family, and so far I haven't felt comfortable enough to have sex with him. I find it awkward being in other peoples houses where they could potentially hear etc and for the first time I would rather us be on our own.

It started a couple of weeks ago when we both got slightly drunk. I ended up going back to his and we did things but I stopped it because we didn't have protection and neither of us had been tested at that point. This was fine. Another time I went back to his again and he started initiating on the sofa, to which I started then stopped as I had to get home to my toddler.

Late last night he instigated again on the family sofa. We started things and again I said no because I had to get back to my own home to get up for my 2 year old toddler. Not only that but I also felt awkward in his family home, on his sofa or in his room with all his family milling around. I've only known the guy 6 weeks.

I suggested we go away at the weekend so we can be alone and I won't have any responsibilities e.g. having to get up early, work etc.

After I left his last night he sent me a text saying he didn't want to see me again because I clearly wasn't comfortable with him and it was just getting frustrating for him. I tried to explain that it wasn't a case of not being comfortable, it's just been unfavourable circumstances coupled with me coming out of a very bad relationship recently.

Should I contact him again and try to resolve this? Am I being unreasonable to think he's being quite shallow and focusing too much on sex? I do feel like I had led him on those 3 times, but I feel like he should be understanding given the aforementioned circumstances. I feel like if he genuinely liked my personality (like I do with him) he wouldn't mind waiting until the circumstances were right for both of us.

What would you do?

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 12:35

TBH if you're not on the same page sexually at this point then really its for the best that you don't develop it any further, it sounds as though you have very different expectations. I'm not going to get into the you're right he's wrong debate I simply see you as different.

he took it upon himself to assume that I am not into him and break things off, without even trying to talk like a reasonable adult.
Many times the advice here is to go with your gut. I reckon that's what he's done. Not worth picking over the bones, move on find someone who shares your values and expectations.

EighthElement · 15/02/2017 12:40

HarmlessChap, do you not see though, the coldness ... It HURTS to be on the receiving end of that!! Racing to be partisan just because you're a man with bland statements along the lines of mismatch 6 of one etc refuses to acknowledge how hurtful it is to be on the receiving end of this manipulative coldness. One minute a man ''likes'' you enough to want to have sex (in the context of a relationship allegedly) and the next he's up and out of bed lights on leading you to the door making you feel like a stupid whore!? This is not a simple mismatch.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/02/2017 12:41

When a man tells you who he is, listen to him.
Well done on keeping your pants on OP ! ⭐️
He really isn't worthy of you.
You say you keep meeting the wrong men, but clearly, you are on track to meet a good one. You sound to be a really clued up young woman.
This guy, as you've gathered, is a petulant loser.

EighthElement · 15/02/2017 12:45

Absolutely, keep saying goodbye to the wrong ones. I have been on 23 internet dates in the last 18 months but I feel I'm getting better at the whole process! I've got two decades on the OP and I was nowhere near as sensible at 23

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 13:21

HarmlessChap, do you not see though, the coldness

Absolutely I do, but is there a pleasant way to finished a relationship?

He was clear and gave a reason why, I think doing it by text is awful but I don't think he should pretended that its all OK and strung it out when its not OK for him.

I don't personally think he was reasonable but I'm old enough to have learned that people have different outlooks on life so, male or female, my default position is to be non judgmental.

As far as the OP is concerned he's not a keeper, that is plain to see. Maybe he'll find happiness with someone who shares his desires, but I don't think the OP would have a fulfilling relationship with him. Much better that she moves on and finds someone who matches her values better than he does. JMHO

EighthElement · 15/02/2017 13:47

No and we're all advising her to move on and not reply, but he was a shit to her. She shouldn't be left in any doubt of that. If he just wanted a shag he just wanted a shag and he wouldn't be the first - but deliberately switching on coldness in an attempt to manipulate somebody in to capitulating is horrendous behaviour.

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 13:59

Yes I don't like all this we want different things rhetoric - the guy might not be Satan but he is not a nice bloke. I'm not sure on what planet anyone would think his behaviour was just a question of compatibility but I'm glad the op sees it for what it is.

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 14:10

Would it make everyone feel better if I said

They are clearly not compatible because he's a dick head and she's normal

Fakenewsday · 15/02/2017 14:19

makes sense to me :)

Original poster

FeelingPressured · 15/02/2017 14:25

Of course it's clear that we're not compatible and I won't be seeing him again. But it's good to hear reassurance than I wasn't being unreasonable or out of order in my actions. I'd spent a few hours (prior to posting this thread) feeling like I had done something totally out of line to deserve such a reception from him.

OP posts:

Pacha11 · 15/02/2017 14:29

You are not compatible with each other. Better move on.

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 14:37

it's good to hear reassurance than I wasn't being unreasonable

Be true to yourself, always. What is reasonable to you is all that is important. Never compromise your own values simply to please others, but nor should you expect others to compromise their values simply to please you, no matter what you may feel about those values.

Emboo19 · 15/02/2017 14:57

Honestly Op, I'd say you've had a lucky break. He's shown his true colours, and I'd bet he was only after sex. If he really felt a connection and saw a future with you he'd be willing and most importantly, want to wait until you were 100% comfortable with having sex!
And you should never feel guilty stopping things going futher, no matter how far you've gone.

Greaterexpectations · 15/02/2017 14:59

Well done OP. You sound like a very strong young woman. To see through that kind of horrible manipulative behaviour so early on is a real credit to you.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2017 15:34

Good to see a strong female response like this. MN fucking depresses me sometimes with the way some posters rush to minimise bad male behaviour, and not only that, to call women paranoid, needy or a ball breaking bitch if they dare to stand up for themselves

You rock, op, and don't let anyone tell you different

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2017 15:37

By the sounds of it, he just wanted a quick shag regardless of where, and was not interested in making it special, and going somwhere nice. You dodged a bullet.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/02/2017 15:39

I'm with Phoney. You're not compatible and he could have been more gracious but he's not behaved terribly and I'm not really seeing the pressure. He wants a partner who will have sex with him in his home where he lives. OP isn't that partner and doesn't seem to have communicated particularly well on the subject and so he's called it off. No big deal. Certainly nothing abusive or arseholish.

Londonsburningahhhh · 15/02/2017 16:50

I think when you meet someone else in the future you should just try to be their friend first and get to know him that way. Then there's no expectation you get to know them in your time. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation either. If I was in your shoes I would look for someone who was independent and not rely on mummy and daddy.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/02/2017 18:04

He wants a partner who will have sex with him in his home where he lives.

He wants sex when and where he wants it, and is not open to compromise.

I am shocked by the quantity and quality of handmaidens who seem to be invading Mumsnet these days... >shakes head sadly

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/02/2017 18:58

Preempt I'm not a handmaiden cheers. I just don't think wanting sex with a new partner is heinous. OP has said they could have moved into his toon for sex she just didn't want to. They're not going to be able to use a hotel every time and both live at home.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/02/2017 18:58

His room

PutneyPandora · 15/02/2017 19:18

A gentleman waits, a man who pressures a lady into sex is no gentleman. You don't need to justify yourself. His behaviour is unacceptable. Move on.

Thephoneywar · 15/02/2017 19:41

Preempt, you can shake your head all you want but people are allowed different opinions than yours. What's wrong with wanting sex in your own house? I'm not having a go at OP, she is free to do as she wishes, obviously, but so is he. He wants to find a partner that is comfortable having sex at his place. Ok he hasn't got the best set up, living with parents, but maybe he can't afford a hotel or to live on his own.

mummytime · 15/02/2017 23:06

A person is entitled to want whatever they like. But they also have to accept they can't always have it.
The problem is if you try to make someone feel bad/pressurise them to change their mind/sulk.

This doesn't just apply to sex. I might want you to get rid of a spider for me - you could have a real aversion - I would have to accept that and deal with it myself.

AyeAmarok · 16/02/2017 08:28

PSE I suspect that there are maybe not quite as many handmaidens on here as there appears to be, you know?

A gentleman waits, a man who pressures a lady into sex is no gentleman.

I don't agree with this. It makes it sound like something special to not pressure someone into sex, rather than the norm. Someone who coerces someone into sex they aren't comfortable with or don't want is a rapey fucker, not just "not a gentleman".

Pressuring someone into sex is not in the same category as not holding the door open for someone.

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