H keeps treating the DCs unequally

[Unfairnotsure]

I have been reading mumsnet for years but signed up today because I just don't know what to do anymore a nd I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to.

H and I have 4 DCs and I am pregnant. DD1 is 9 and DH dotes on her. He buys her all sorts of treats, pays for three after school clubs. He attends her dancing shows and is always calling her his princess. Which in theory I have no problem with. However he doesn't treat our other three DCs the same way. Particularly DS1 who is 6.

This came to a head this yesterday. DS1 had a football match on Sunday morning. He has been in football club since September however he just isn't very good at football and he really doesn't enjoy it. However H won't let him quit and he won't let him do another activity in its place.

Sunday morning H decided that he wanted to come and see DS1 playing. This was the first time he had ever attended DS1 s activity and I will be honest I didn't want him to go but he was insistent.

When we got there it was awful, H was that parent. He was shouting from the sideline for DS to run faster or be better. DS 1 was trying but he was struggling to keep up and getting nowhere near the ball. Then just before half time DS1 fell over. They were playing on astroturf and he scraped his knees and hands and got a load of gritt in the cuts. He burst into tears and spent the rest of the match sitting next to me. When it became obvious that DS1 wasn't going to play again H stormed off and sat in the car for the rest of the time.

When we got home he kept telling DS1 that he needed to man up and that he wasn't trying hard enough to be good at football. In the end I told H to stop it and it was his fault for forcing DS to do something he doesn't like. H told me I was trying to make DS a better child and he needed to learn to be a man. He then slammed out to the pub.

He came back last night drunk, saying what a rubbish mum I was for letting DS be mediocre. I tried to argue that DS is really clever and kind he just doesn't suit football. H shouted and insulted me and really intimidated me. I told he was scaring me and he told me it was all in my head and this was why DS was so dramatic and then he went to bed.

This morning he was apologetic and very kind. The DD 1 and DS1 told us that they had heard us arguing last night and it had upset them. We both told them how sorry we are and reassured them it was ok. They went to school and H went to work.

H then text me a picture at lunch of a really lovely thoughtful present for DD to say sorry for upsetting her last night. I said that's lovely what are you getting for DS. He said nothing. I reminded him that DS had heard and was upset too. He offered to buy him some sweets (that DS doesn't like) I told him that wasn't good enough as it doesn't compare to what he got for DD.
He said he wouldn't get anyone anything then and I had cheated his daughter out of a present.

He then text me an hour later saying he was going to the pub after work and will be late home.

I just don't know how to make him see that what he is doing is wrong and will hurt DS. I am failing DS but I don't know how to make it right because H can't see its wrong. He just sees it was me babying DS and I don't know may be I am but he is only just 6. I don't think he needs to be a man yet.

How do I make H see what he is doing is wrong?

Tosser of a man
Wanker of a husband
Cunt of a dad

RUN!

I think it's obvious why posters are taking the line that the 6 year old is being emotionally abused here and he is learning that he is not good enough, a failure if you like, and this will cause him to have very low self esteem and other problems. Can I just ask about the other 3 children - are they boys or girls and whilst DD1 is the "golden girl" what about the other 3 - presumably he favours DD1 over them, but the youngest DS gets treated the worst. Is that right. Have you any idea why this is - is it possible to talk with him about the reasons for this- how long has it been going on. Does he want DS to be more sporty than he is............does he feel that you always jump to protect DS - I know that's not surprising but sometimes when that happens it's worse for the scapegoated child.

I know people are saying lTB but you have 4 children and another on the way so it's not as easy as that is it.......there is also the issue of alcohol abuse - is this a usual occurrence and you did say you were intimidated by him which is not good. Do you have support in RL.

OP

I know you feel like you've nowhere to go but it can be done. It won't be easy - but you can do it.

As for threatening to take the children - these types all promise that. I had nearly a year of it after I had mine arrested. A year of court. Guess what? My DC is still with me.

I'm sorry if I upset with my post.

They are your children why are you not protecting them?
You chose the man you are married to as a husband and father to your children he is useless at both and is becoming abusive to your DS.

You need to fix this for your DS and DD

It is toxic for both of them and will be impacting them mentally.

You need to take your DC out of this abusive situation which means leaving and getting your DC some counselling.

It would be better that your DC at least have the opportunity for a normal balanced life half of the time and when they are old enough can refuse to see their father if he carries on with his abuse.

You could try getting your husband to therapy but I don't imagine he will or take any notice if he did go anyway.

Your children cannot change this situation or make him love them in a healthy way, you cannot change somebody that doesn't want to change so the only option left is for you to take the children out of this toxic situation.

Your son must feel awful and I'm sure your DD probably feels quite shit about it too.

My gut is really uncomfortable with this. I am reluctant to say it, but it sounds like grooming behaviour to me.

Even if it isn't grooming, he is a bully and an emotionally abusive wanker.

I know LTB is easy to say, hard to do, but this man is being abusive to your children and by staying you are letting him.

If I met you in a professional capacity, I would have to give you the choice of him or the children.

I grew up with a dad like this and I still feel horrible about it today (I'm 34.) When I read this it reminded me of how awful it was. You never forget nasty comments made by your parents - your parents approval means so much at this age.

If you were single and met someone new and they treated your son like this I'm sure it would be a deal breaker, I can't see why it would be any different with your husband.

If you can't get your husband to change his behaviour, you need to ask yourself how you will feel if in 20 years time if your son has esteem issues which he attributes to a father who favoured his sister.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, how upsetting for you.

Do not put up with this from him and do not fail either of your children here. Such golden Child and Scapegoat favouritism like this from your DH will ensure that your children's relationship will be completely soured going forward. You cannot wring your hands here and do nothing.

I would divorce him over this, this is highly damaging for children to witness. It is that bad honestly.

Re your comment:-

"It's not just as easy as leaving him. I have nowhere to go and no job".
Youa re not as powerless as you think you are; you need to seek legal advice urgently re the property and finances.

"H has also told me that if I leave he will try and get as much custody of the DCs as possible".

Yeah right. Just another example of his awful behaviour; using the children as weapons to bring you back into line. As if he gives a shit about any of his children anyway; if he really did care he would treat them all better.

Please leave this horrible bully. Loads of women on here can help with support and advice. Your gran can help a little. You can make friends with other mums too.

Please read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2853472-Hope-for-leaving-an-emotionally-abusive-ex

Thank you for the replies. I will try and answer any questions.

The younger two DCs are 3 and 2. H isn't that interested in them, though he is starting to take more interest in DS2 (3) as he gets older.

I know being pregnant isn't great, cutting a long story short DH doesn't like using contraception and doesn't want me to use it either.

Reading your replies has made me think about it really hard about everything. I have been with DH since I was a teenager and I guess I just slowly got used to it. But looking at it through your eyes I can see how bad I have let it get.

DH doesn't like using contraception and doesn't want me to use it either.

So he bullies you too? Jesus Christ OP, this isnt normal. I know you're pregnant, sorry if this has upset you. But you have to realise this isnt normal. Its abuse. You are allowing your H to abuse your son. Your little boy. that is totally heartbreaking for us as strangers to hear, I cant imagine what its like having to look into his wee face when he wonders why his Daddy doesnt like him.

Whats to say he wont abuse DC3, 4 or 5?

And if you leave him, he'll try and get as much custody as possible? What a bully. How about contacting Womens Aid and logging these threats? Then maybe, you can push for supervised access?

Please do something. Please dont be so scared to leave you let your babies be treated like this.

DH doesn't let you use contraception ... so he has trapped you.

Controlling, abusive, frightening bully of a man.

Wow. Great home to raise your children in.

You need to seek help. Your children's mental health and well being and their relationships with each other and you will be ruined. Those he picks on and abuses will blame you for not protecting them. You need to find a way to get them and yourself out of there.

I know being pregnant isn't great, cutting a long story short DH doesn't like using contraception and doesn't want me to use it either.

What the fuck? OP this is not normal - I find it sickening. So you're just going to have babies every year are you?

You need to leave this man.
He sounds manipulative, cruel and cold and that is not the sort of man your children should be growing up around. You are obviously frightened about the prospect of leaving him but you have to.

FWIW - when me and my sister were growing up my mom favoured me (though at the time I couldn't see it) and as a result the rest of the family, especially our dad, over compensated and I spent many, many years of my childhood always feeling second best to my sister and I couldn't understand why everyone liked her more than me. I remember one night when I was about 9 or 10 I was crying in my bed and my dad came in he asked what was wrong and I asked him why he didn't love me and why everyone liked my sister but not me.

The point I'm making is that even young children can be aware of favouritism and it is so, so damaging. The thought of your 6 year old feeling the way that I did just breaks my heart. I can't even explain how worthless it makes you feel as a person when you think, as a child, that one of your parents doesn't love you or even like you.

Please, please put your son first, his emotional well-being has to be your priority.

Besides, there's another two young children and another one on the way that he may potentially treat horrendously too - you just can't allow it to happen.

DH doesn't like using contraception and doesn't want me to use it either

Was it also his idea that you don't work?

He's made it so you feel you can't leave him. Made you feel dependent on him.

It's abuse. And now he's abusing your children.

Get out. Call women's aid if you don't feel you can do it yourself.

0808 2000 247

Do you have access to money, from a joint account? Or your own account? Or one of the kids have an account you have access to? Put some money aside, get all your ducks in a row.

As you are married (you say DH, rather than DP) you are automatically entitled to half - half the house, half the savings, half the stocks, shares and possession. It would up to you (e.g. you solicitor) to prove you should have more - usually granted when you have custody of the children. It would be up to him to prove you should have less (very, very hard to do when you have kids).

Take a look at www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx to see how much money you could get as a single mum.

And www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance for child maintenance.

and once you are out, consider doing the freedom project to prevent yourself from falling for such a cuntbucket again.

H has also told me that if I leave he will try and get as much custody of the DCs as possible.

Of course he has, he's an abusive cunt and they aren't known for their originality. Have you noticed how the worst, most abusive and neglectful parents are always the ones who suddenly want to do full time childcare as soon as they face the possibility of losing their human stress balls?

I never knew a man who treated his children like shit but was good to his wife. I knew he would be a turd to you even before that part of your OP based solely on how he treats his own son.

This is really disturbing. You know you cant allow your children to be treated so unequally, its going to really damage them. Im sorry but he sounds awful and you need to get him out yours and your childrens lives.
If you arent using contraception then how many children are you going to end up with?! Sounds like he wants to control you and probably thinks you wont be able to leave him the more kids you have.
Do you own your house or rent? Whose name is it in?

That's appalling and a clear case of coercive control to my mind and I'm sure the police would agree.

So sexual and emotional abuse of you, abusive to children.

You really need to call someone asap and get all of you away from him. Is your midwife approachable? Women's aid would be better but as a first step...

Keeps you pregnant and dependent on him

OP... You are in an abusive relationship. Please get yourself and your children out of his way. I wouldn't stand for this for a second and certainly not long enough for him to call my son "mediocre".

Get. Out. Now.

Oh God.
OP this is truly horrendous and I don't often post this as I know what goes on in a family differs from one to the other.
However this Man is truly horribly abusive and it will affect your children for the rest of their lives. Your poor little boy will feel he is not good enough. You may as well just kill a child by doing what he's doing and I speak from personal experience here.
Please please get away. Start small. Speak to Woman's aid make small steps. Tall to your son and repeat like a mantra " you are enough" " you are wonderful, you are kind and strong and lovely as you are". Build up his self esteem. Please. Listen carefully to posters on here.

What an absolute blast pig. Sorry but he needs to change or you need to leave. He will damage your son in ways that may affect him for the rest of his life. I read that and felt like crying, that's how bad it comes across.

Nasty* not blast

Oh you poor thing, he's trapped you and is abusing you and the kids somehow. He's kind of grooming the dd and demonising the others

You have to make it your sole aim to get away from him, and get the children out and away from this situation

This is so awful to read.

You are in an abusive relationship with a nasty bully. Of course he doesn't want you to work - he needs you as his human punchbag, barefoot and pregnant.

And now he has started bullying the DC. Surely you can't sit back and watch this can you?

Please think about how you can get away from him.

Allthebest if you feel that way then report the thread and don't troll hunt.