H keeps treating the DCs unequally

[Unfairnotsure]

I have been reading mumsnet for years but signed up today because I just don't know what to do anymore a nd I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to.

H and I have 4 DCs and I am pregnant. DD1 is 9 and DH dotes on her. He buys her all sorts of treats, pays for three after school clubs. He attends her dancing shows and is always calling her his princess. Which in theory I have no problem with. However he doesn't treat our other three DCs the same way. Particularly DS1 who is 6.

This came to a head this yesterday. DS1 had a football match on Sunday morning. He has been in football club since September however he just isn't very good at football and he really doesn't enjoy it. However H won't let him quit and he won't let him do another activity in its place.

Sunday morning H decided that he wanted to come and see DS1 playing. This was the first time he had ever attended DS1 s activity and I will be honest I didn't want him to go but he was insistent.

When we got there it was awful, H was that parent. He was shouting from the sideline for DS to run faster or be better. DS 1 was trying but he was struggling to keep up and getting nowhere near the ball. Then just before half time DS1 fell over. They were playing on astroturf and he scraped his knees and hands and got a load of gritt in the cuts. He burst into tears and spent the rest of the match sitting next to me. When it became obvious that DS1 wasn't going to play again H stormed off and sat in the car for the rest of the time.

When we got home he kept telling DS1 that he needed to man up and that he wasn't trying hard enough to be good at football. In the end I told H to stop it and it was his fault for forcing DS to do something he doesn't like. H told me I was trying to make DS a better child and he needed to learn to be a man. He then slammed out to the pub.

He came back last night drunk, saying what a rubbish mum I was for letting DS be mediocre. I tried to argue that DS is really clever and kind he just doesn't suit football. H shouted and insulted me and really intimidated me. I told he was scaring me and he told me it was all in my head and this was why DS was so dramatic and then he went to bed.

This morning he was apologetic and very kind. The DD 1 and DS1 told us that they had heard us arguing last night and it had upset them. We both told them how sorry we are and reassured them it was ok. They went to school and H went to work.

H then text me a picture at lunch of a really lovely thoughtful present for DD to say sorry for upsetting her last night. I said that's lovely what are you getting for DS. He said nothing. I reminded him that DS had heard and was upset too. He offered to buy him some sweets (that DS doesn't like) I told him that wasn't good enough as it doesn't compare to what he got for DD.
He said he wouldn't get anyone anything then and I had cheated his daughter out of a present.

He then text me an hour later saying he was going to the pub after work and will be late home.

I just don't know how to make him see that what he is doing is wrong and will hurt DS. I am failing DS but I don't know how to make it right because H can't see its wrong. He just sees it was me babying DS and I don't know may be I am but he is only just 6. I don't think he needs to be a man yet.

How do I make H see what he is doing is wrong?

Please get rid and protect you ds. I'd be going apeshit and chucking him and his stuff out. You don't want your ds learning how to be 'a man' from this person.

This isn't just about him favouring one child over another - although that's bad enough and I feel very sorry for your DS. He's behaving appallingly in general, he's bullying you too and he's making your home unhappy for everyone.

I know you can't just up sticks and leave, but maybe it's something you could start thinking about.

So you know what he is like to your DC yet you're pregnant again.

I agree with PP, he's an utter cunt and you are allowing him to ruin your childrens lives , DS especially. All this "he won't allow" nonsense. Put your foot down and deal with DS yourself.

I don't see how you can be with a man who is such a Bastard to both you and your DC. Please don't put your family through this and fuck them up. You all deserve much better than this bullying twat. LTB. Asap.

Awful behaviour from your husband. How does he treat your other two children? (You say you have 4)

This has made me so angry. By staying in this relationship you are setting yourself up for problems and your poor son may have issues for life.

Get out, he is an arse, spend time with your lovely children on an equal footing.

Why are some men such nobs when their, usually male, sons don't live up to their macho expectations?

I have no real family who could help. I'm only in contact with my grandmother and she is much too old to deal with this.

He generally ignores the younger two DCs as I suppose they aren't that interesting to him yet. Though he does want to sign DS2 up for football when he is old enough as well.

Also even if H only gets access to them, that will be a load of time were he is alone with the DCs where he can do exactly the same but without me there to try and calm it down.

Your DH is basically being abusive here. His treatment towards your DS is emotionally damaging and I honestly couldn't cope with it.

What will end up happening, is you compensating for the favouritism, by buying your DS things and then if care isn't taken, all the other kids will be left out.

This will damage your relationship with DD, your sons with his dad and the siblings with each other and you and DH.

It's a hot mess.

It's very sad to hear a child saying their mum or dad loves their sister or brother more than them and I've heard it directly when I used to help out with Rainbows. I tried to convince this little girl that wasn't the case, but she didn't believe me.

True. But by staying you are teaching them that this is normal. That your ds isn't worth treating well. At least if you leave your ds may end up with some sense of self worth.

It doesn't matter that you have no job. Your dh has a legal obligation to financially support all of you.

Please phone women's aid and start to formulate a get out plan.

I'm absolutely speechless. I hate to say, "Why on earth are you having another baby when he treats the others like this?" but I can't resist. What were you thinking of?

If you are determined to stay with this man then the only thing you can do is get family therapy. He needs to face his own actions.

And tell him to fuck off with his threats of custody. There's only one person he wants and that's his elder daughter. The others don't sound as though they'd go near him.

This makes me so mad. He's a SIX year old BOY ffs. I hate it when some dads want their sons to "man up" and are a total arse with them. Even more annoying when they also have a daughter and treat them like a golden princess. He's gone OTT with the whole "daddy daughter bond" because it means he treats her more favourably over her siblings. What a shit he is.

He upset both children, but only thought to make amends with one of them (his favourite). Says it all really.

His attitude is doing neither child any favours. DS will end up with serious confidence and self esteem issues and DD will think she is better than everyone else. Neither is healthy.

You really need to think about your future and how to protect your children.

He knows he's out of order and throws the threat of he'll take the DC, to make you STFU. I don't see a future when he refuses to accept responsibility and calls you a bad mother.

Is he always so unreasonable? I've advised other people with disagreements to sometimes post the problem to a relationship forum and see what Joe Public says. Is he the kind of man who would engage with that? Because if he thinks he's right he won't or shouldn't have a problem with it should he?

At the very least, pull your DS out of football, before he looses the last bit of confidence he has.

I am sorry but I have lost the plot here - you are worried about him treating your children differently when in fact he is emotionally abusive to your son and also to you. It s more than just treating them differently, he has no clue whatever about what proper parenting is - he sounds more like a child than an adult.

Why are you with this dreadful man? - and expecting another child by him? His behaviour towards your son is appalling - you must either leave this fellow or start standing up for your son. Forcing him to do something he hates for no sound reason is cruel and abusive.

Who else is going to stand up for this poor child? - "saying what a rubbish mum I was for letting DS be mediocre" - this is the sort of manipulative behaviour that qualifies as coercive control.

You must address his behaviour and simply not let him get away with anything like this ever again - pull him up on it again and again. These poor children.

I am sorry that my post was so blunt, but it was my instant gut reaction. I am sad that you are living with this.

This is the tip of the iceberg I'm sure.

My ex is an abusive monster. He had the kids every other weekend and half the holidays from the age of 2&3 to 8&9 when they went to court to stop seeing him.

It's not a reason to stay. It's a reason to leave and help your kids to learn what good, healthy relationships look like. Bullying is NEVER acceptable. You are enabling this by staying. Horrible to hear but true.

Big girls pants on and start leaving. Much better for the kids the younger they are. You cannot stay.

Out of curiosity what is his relationship like with his parents? I'm not saying what he's doing is OK, but he may not see what he's doing as blatant favouritism. I agree that this is much more serious than simply buying your eldest more stuff, after all you have, or will have a further three children and the dynamic will change again.

Leave.
There is no other option. Leave this bastard before he destroys your poor little boy.

This sounds SCARILY like my family/father.

I'm the eldest of 3, when I was much younger I was daddy's golden child. He even had a nickname for me that only he used. My brother had the same treatment your son is now getting and my sister was pretty much ignored.

We are all still 30+ years later dealing with the consequences, in terms of broken relationships (romantic and friendships), poor mental health etc

My father is an abusive alcoholic. Every kind of abuse including sexually abusing me when I got older.

My gut instinct is to tell you to get all of you the hell away from this guy.

Contact women's aid and take their advice, which my mother never did.

There's also the high suicide rates for boys/men who have been raised to not cry/be a baby/to be a 'man'.

I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a total douche.
That poor, poor boy of yours. I can't imagine how he must feel, being treated so obviously and consistently worse than his sister. Has your daughter said anything? Does she pick up on these differences?

Please can everyone remind themselves that the OP is pregnant for whatever reasons and is vulnerable and has been bullied by her husband!

I know everyone is upset for the poor little boy and the family in general but no need to take it out on the OP.

Bullies are often insidious, slowly starting to control you and your thoughts, then your actions and then your life. The OP might not have realised how bad her H's behaviour is as maybe he has desensitised her.

And that behaviour is bad, it's the stuff that cuts into your soul. Your husbands drinking is unacceptable, buggering off to the pub and leaving you to put 4 DC to bed.

Do you have help at home? Is there anyone close to you who you might be able to speak with?

Have their been other incodents? Please do try and remember and create a diary or time line detailing his abuse and the messages he sends you or the way he speaks.

Could you talk to your local vicar or GP?

Incidents sry

I do understand what you are saying about the business of access and that you would be worried if you parted and your OH had contact without you there to prote3t the children. I really do think you need some outside professional advice about how to deal with this appalling situation.

The message that I think you need to take from this thread is that it cannot go on as it is now.

I want to cry reading your post as this was my ds too. I'm not usually one to jump on the ltb bandwagon but having lived through it I'm afraid I do have to offer a resounding LTB. There were other issues in my marriage (emotional abuse, affairs etc), so staying was not an option.... and yes it is hard alone, but my baby boy is now blossoming and such a happy, loving, confident child compared to how he was. I only see how damaged he was back then with hindsight and it makes my sick to think what he would be like now if we had stayed!

ExH also threatened to take custody. I laughed slightly manically in his face! Haven't heard another word on the subject in years, It's another controlling bully tactic. Best of luck with whatever you decide but I would seriously urge you to protect your ds whatever it takes x

Pull him out of football asap. This will be seriously damaging his confidence. Then leave your appalling dh.

My XH was this man. He favoured DD1 and thought that he was being even handed with DD2, when in fact everyone but him could see the favouritism. It took me a long time to leave, but the damage was done. My DC don't have a great relationship and to be honest, my relationship with DD1 is not all I want it to be, although it is better than it was for a long time. Please, I know how difficult it is, but you need to see that he is already doing harm to your DC. You need to find a way out.

You 'D'H is a complete and utter bastard.

He truly is.

He manipulates, gaslights, bullies.

He's HORRIBLE.