H keeps treating the DCs unequally

[Unfairnotsure]

I have been reading mumsnet for years but signed up today because I just don't know what to do anymore a nd I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to.

H and I have 4 DCs and I am pregnant. DD1 is 9 and DH dotes on her. He buys her all sorts of treats, pays for three after school clubs. He attends her dancing shows and is always calling her his princess. Which in theory I have no problem with. However he doesn't treat our other three DCs the same way. Particularly DS1 who is 6.

This came to a head this yesterday. DS1 had a football match on Sunday morning. He has been in football club since September however he just isn't very good at football and he really doesn't enjoy it. However H won't let him quit and he won't let him do another activity in its place.

Sunday morning H decided that he wanted to come and see DS1 playing. This was the first time he had ever attended DS1 s activity and I will be honest I didn't want him to go but he was insistent.

When we got there it was awful, H was that parent. He was shouting from the sideline for DS to run faster or be better. DS 1 was trying but he was struggling to keep up and getting nowhere near the ball. Then just before half time DS1 fell over. They were playing on astroturf and he scraped his knees and hands and got a load of gritt in the cuts. He burst into tears and spent the rest of the match sitting next to me. When it became obvious that DS1 wasn't going to play again H stormed off and sat in the car for the rest of the time.

When we got home he kept telling DS1 that he needed to man up and that he wasn't trying hard enough to be good at football. In the end I told H to stop it and it was his fault for forcing DS to do something he doesn't like. H told me I was trying to make DS a better child and he needed to learn to be a man. He then slammed out to the pub.

He came back last night drunk, saying what a rubbish mum I was for letting DS be mediocre. I tried to argue that DS is really clever and kind he just doesn't suit football. H shouted and insulted me and really intimidated me. I told he was scaring me and he told me it was all in my head and this was why DS was so dramatic and then he went to bed.

This morning he was apologetic and very kind. The DD 1 and DS1 told us that they had heard us arguing last night and it had upset them. We both told them how sorry we are and reassured them it was ok. They went to school and H went to work.

H then text me a picture at lunch of a really lovely thoughtful present for DD to say sorry for upsetting her last night. I said that's lovely what are you getting for DS. He said nothing. I reminded him that DS had heard and was upset too. He offered to buy him some sweets (that DS doesn't like) I told him that wasn't good enough as it doesn't compare to what he got for DD.
He said he wouldn't get anyone anything then and I had cheated his daughter out of a present.

He then text me an hour later saying he was going to the pub after work and will be late home.

I just don't know how to make him see that what he is doing is wrong and will hurt DS. I am failing DS but I don't know how to make it right because H can't see its wrong. He just sees it was me babying DS and I don't know may be I am but he is only just 6. I don't think he needs to be a man yet.

How do I make H see what he is doing is wrong?

I've been where you are, my husband was emotionally abusive and there's no way I found have done what other posters are suggesting. What I did do was hit breaking point after he told me to fuck off but I wasn't taking the children, the following night I loaded the camping stuff into the trailer. Following day I told him I was going to the dump but I headed to a local camp site. I then went to the council who put me in a refuge, I'm now in a nice housing association house and happy. When you hit breaking point you don't have to tell him you are going, everything can be sorted when you are safely out.

Penguin you are preaching to the converted. You have no idea of my background which does include fleeing from a violent partner with young children many years ago. There was no MN but I got help from WA. However it took me years to finally make the break even though friends and family were telling me what posters are saying on here. I think the fact that the OP has not returned to the thread says it all - I think in fact posts telling her to leave asap will actually be overwhelming for her. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am.

Springdaffs I know you got out of a violent marriage. The OP has 4 children and 6 months pregnant with a 5th and will have 3 under 5s once the new baby arrives. Were you in that position I wonder. I just think people saying "I did it so you can too" isn't particularly helpful.

Maybe the OP will return but I don't think so. But I hope you find Poundingthestreets helpful post.

Thank you for the advice.

Sorry I can't post very often but I'm trying to post when H isn't here just in case he catches me posting.

He has occasionally physically hurt me but never when I was pregnant and the last time was a few years ago and he hasn't done it since.

H was an only child raised by his mum as his dad left when he was a baby.
There aren't really any other male role models in our family to help out.

Also I have been into town today to ask how to open a bank account.

Well done, that's a great step Unfair.

Small steps is the way forward- before you know it actually leaving will be a small step too.

My point in saying ' you can do this' is bcs, when I was in Op's position I didn't think I could do it in a million years. I simply couldn't conceive how it was possible.

I finally left when I'd just had a baby and I was completely off my rocker. I don't know if I was psychotic but I thought the trees we're talking to me. He literally drove me insane.

So, yes, I want people to know they can do this, a step at a time. I want to give them the encouragement that it is possible, pulling on all the support and info out there.

well done, that is a great first step.

Tbh it's irrelevant what his history is. Plenty of people with horrible starts in life don't go on to abuse and control. Abusers and controllers do it bcs they like the power. The choose to do it.

Well done for looking at opening your own bank account. Step at a time...

Keep yourself safe and do not change how you are around him as the most dangerous time for someone fleeing domestic violence is when they are putting plans into operation. Can you get a cheap PAYG that you can leave somewhere safe? WA will have good advice on how to avoid leaving a trail.

Another one here lending support. Keep talking to us. You can do this. I feel so sorry for you. What a number he has done on you and your children. Some great advice on this thread. Take it slowly and maybe see citizen's advice bureau for free advice on what you are entitled to Etc.