H keeps treating the DCs unequally

[Unfairnotsure]

I have been reading mumsnet for years but signed up today because I just don't know what to do anymore a nd I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to.

H and I have 4 DCs and I am pregnant. DD1 is 9 and DH dotes on her. He buys her all sorts of treats, pays for three after school clubs. He attends her dancing shows and is always calling her his princess. Which in theory I have no problem with. However he doesn't treat our other three DCs the same way. Particularly DS1 who is 6.

This came to a head this yesterday. DS1 had a football match on Sunday morning. He has been in football club since September however he just isn't very good at football and he really doesn't enjoy it. However H won't let him quit and he won't let him do another activity in its place.

Sunday morning H decided that he wanted to come and see DS1 playing. This was the first time he had ever attended DS1 s activity and I will be honest I didn't want him to go but he was insistent.

When we got there it was awful, H was that parent. He was shouting from the sideline for DS to run faster or be better. DS 1 was trying but he was struggling to keep up and getting nowhere near the ball. Then just before half time DS1 fell over. They were playing on astroturf and he scraped his knees and hands and got a load of gritt in the cuts. He burst into tears and spent the rest of the match sitting next to me. When it became obvious that DS1 wasn't going to play again H stormed off and sat in the car for the rest of the time.

When we got home he kept telling DS1 that he needed to man up and that he wasn't trying hard enough to be good at football. In the end I told H to stop it and it was his fault for forcing DS to do something he doesn't like. H told me I was trying to make DS a better child and he needed to learn to be a man. He then slammed out to the pub.

He came back last night drunk, saying what a rubbish mum I was for letting DS be mediocre. I tried to argue that DS is really clever and kind he just doesn't suit football. H shouted and insulted me and really intimidated me. I told he was scaring me and he told me it was all in my head and this was why DS was so dramatic and then he went to bed.

This morning he was apologetic and very kind. The DD 1 and DS1 told us that they had heard us arguing last night and it had upset them. We both told them how sorry we are and reassured them it was ok. They went to school and H went to work.

H then text me a picture at lunch of a really lovely thoughtful present for DD to say sorry for upsetting her last night. I said that's lovely what are you getting for DS. He said nothing. I reminded him that DS had heard and was upset too. He offered to buy him some sweets (that DS doesn't like) I told him that wasn't good enough as it doesn't compare to what he got for DD.
He said he wouldn't get anyone anything then and I had cheated his daughter out of a present.

He then text me an hour later saying he was going to the pub after work and will be late home.

I just don't know how to make him see that what he is doing is wrong and will hurt DS. I am failing DS but I don't know how to make it right because H can't see its wrong. He just sees it was me babying DS and I don't know may be I am but he is only just 6. I don't think he needs to be a man yet.

How do I make H see what he is doing is wrong?

If you take him to football every week - take him to costa instead!

He sounds emotionally abusive tbh. Not good for you or any of your dcs go and talk to your doctor and ask for a referral for counselling to help you explore the consequences of his behaviour for you and dcs. Do not tell husband. When feel strong enough go see a SHL and get some advice as to your rights and what you can expect if you separated.

Get yourself and your children out ASAP.

My ex h was like this with Ds1 but his golden child was Ds2, not DD. The sport thing was exactly the same. I divorced him when Ds1 was 9 but the damage had been done. Ds1 is now 24 and a mental mess.
Ex used to sign them up for sport and I was expected to take them ( he worked nights). Ds1 would beg not to go, cry etc. Id tell ex I was not taking him any more, he would take Ds1 into a room and shut the door and next thing Ds1 would be back telling me it was ok, he would go. It was awful. I heard ex telling Ds1 once, ( after the divorce, but hed still sign them up for things) that if he dropped out of football hed have him arrested and hed have to explain to a judge and probably go to jail. The kid was 9 FGS ). He made sure my son knew he wasnt good enough and exh was always THAT parent at games and practices.
My poor Ds1 has severe anxiety and depression now, years of mental abuse ( court ordered visitation every 2 weeks). I tried to shield him, did everything in my power but I couldnt counteract the effects of his fathers behavior.
Please get the poor child out of there.

And for what its worth Ds2 also has issues, golden child didnt save him, nothing like Ds1 but issues none the less. Dd1 was always just the girl to him and not worthy of attention, guess what... she struggles also and its moulded her in some not too pleasant ways

I haven't rtwt and not wanting to get pseudo psychologist but what relationship did DH have with his own father ? Is it possible it was a hard relationship and therefore left him unable to relate to a son in any other way than "macho" and "man up"?
I'm in no way excusing his favouring your DD as we're always very careful to praise both DD and DS equally but I'm just curious as to whether there's an underlying issue that it's possible to solve ?
Also for what it's worth my DH is wonderful but grew up in a traditional home with active gender stereotypes (think grandpa paid for son to have private school education but not daughter as it would be a waste!!!))
but last week my son was crying and carrying on and DH said "stop being such a girl"
I immediately pulled him up and said hang on I don't want DS to grow up thinking either being sensitive, showing emotion or in fact being female is a negative and pls don't say that again- was immediately taken on board and I trust won't be said again.

Please make this right!

OP have you got brothers ? Is your own father or H father around and involved? I wonder if they could help with practical things and spend more time with your kids - especially as your pregnancy progress.

I am sure you do not feel this is the right time for you to make major changes (as in start a divorce) but you could bring some positive male roles into your kids life ASAP.

Some (abusive) men tend to behaviave very different when there are other male around.

I agree with the pp who suggested family therapy.

LTB isn't always as easy as it sounds. As you pointed out earlier, access brings with it a whole other minefield that you won't have any control over.

Can you talk to him when he's calm, or does he always just storm out when the issue is his behaviour?

Just posting to mark my place before I get to my laptop to send some links

Re - there are orgs out there with excellent support and advice for getting out of abusive relationships. I will post the link to your local Women's Aid and also a link to the Freedom Programme 'find a course near you'. You are in a seriously abusive, controlling relationship.

Don't feel bad, plenty of us have been where you are (and got out). People ask "why do you allow it?" but the fact is these types are master manipulators who target us when we are vulnerable (in your case you were young). There's nothing to feel bad about, don't let others make you feel ashamed.

The above orgs will gently support and guide you all the way, step by step. They will also give you excellent practical and legal advice to ensure he doesn't get the high contact he is threatening with the kids should you leave him - which you must, eventually. This man is poison to you all.

You can do this. If I can, anybody can. Hold on

Classic abusive behaviour. Your dd is the golden child and ds is the scapegoat. If you carry on letting your dh inflict his abuse on them they will end up with severe mental health problems. This was my childhood except I was an only child so got to take turns being the scapegoat and golden child. I now have, depression, complex PTSD and generalised anxiety disorder. I'm unable to work. This is abuse. You can't let it continue.

Shitgibbon

Your husband is the one who needs to understand what it is that makes a man not your son. You need to protect all of your children and yourself he sounds nasty.

I know we all mean well but I think as with a lot of these threads, the OPis nowhere near walking out (and I think this is especially true of this OP) She's worried about taking DS1 out of football, let alone get everything sorted to leave! I suggested OP that you go on the pill to prevent any more pregnancies but I suspect you might be scared H will find the pills.

I know people post on here asking for advice and it's so easy to sit at home on the sofa tapping away with LTB posts and telling OP what she should do and what will happen if she doesn't etc etc. I think this OP is very controlled by the H and it always looks like the woman in these situations is dependent but in actual fact (regardless of his behaviour) I think it is very often the case that it's the man that's emotionally dependent) no matter how that's covered up and it's maybe not a conscious thing. I think Expat's comments about the H's relationship with his own parents, especially his father are very pertinent. My guess would be that he was bullied by his own father and it's being passed on through the generations.

Hope you're OK OP and get some RLsupport.

I have a 6yo son and your post made me well up at the thought of him being on the receiving end of such treatment.

There is absolutely no excuse good enough to keep him in that environment.

Catrina1234, abuse thrives in the dark. It's so easy to justify to oneself because it's insidious and creeping and 'not worth leaving over'.

These kind of threads blow open the doors. If hundreds of people can say - no, WTAF, there's (I think) a greater chance that the OP will find it harder to keep her head in the sand and start to make steps.

Her son is being abused. It's not OK. She may need support, hell her husband may need support - but that little boy needs it most.

I'm not lightly sitting on the sofa saying LTB. I have been where op is and I needed someone to tell me I was in an abusive marriage, I was being abused, the kids were being abused, I needed to get out.

When I left my abusive H , Womens Aid were lifesavers. The wonderful Freedom Programme hadn't yet been written, which would have helped me get my head straight about what I was living with. I eventually got out but it took time for the fog and confusion to lift.

Op, it doesn't need to take as long as it took me. Here are the links I promised upthread:

local Womens Aid . You'll have a better chance of getting through on this rather than the national helpline (which is 0808 2000 247 fyi. Good to call at night, if you can, when lines aren't as busy).

the Freedom Programme . I have linked you to the 'find a course' page - do take a look to see where your local group/s meet; do get on the course at your earliest. It is a wonderful programme and I so wish it had been around when I was struggling to make sense of what was happening to me. Some offer free childcare if that is an issue. It is a relaxing and nurturing course: they know what we're facing and they don't push.

I need to repeat that you can do this. Pull on all the support out there (and here on MN) both from orgs and others who have been through it and come out the other side.

One last point: it is vital you don't tell him what you are doing or planning. This is very important. Abusers don't take kindly to losing control and, well, I don't want to spell it out... It's a dangerous time.

Sorry, I didn't make it clear about Womens Aid: call the local line during working hours (if you can), call the 24/7 national helpline at night (if you can) bcs hard to get through during the day.

It tells you something that the WA helpline is jammed during the day. You're far from alone with this - abusers isolate their victims and it's easy for us to think it's unusual and not happening to anyone else. The truth is, there are hoards of us

I'd be fuming. You mention a 9 and 6 year old and being pregnant is there another child?

This is disgusting not to mention damaging behaviour. You're a parent too why the hell should your son be forced to do something that he really hates especially if he wants to replace this activity. You seriously need to step in and do something tho I know with some men this is hard as they're arseholes. But your kids will end up damaged.

Jeez . Can't believe I read that. Leave him, this will damage your son otherwise. Sorry OP

OP I can understand if you feel it hard to read this thread. There is a lot to take in but I hope you can make some baby steps at least. But don't forget to cover your IP trail - women's aid has advice on this.
Is there anywhere safe you can leave documents etc?

Unfairontsure

I'm so sorry, but you're in an abusive marriage. Just because your H hasn't hit any of you, doesn't mean you are not. In fact psychological/emotional abuse can be far more damaging.

I know it's scary to contemplate a different future, but it's so, so worth it. However, you're only just beginning to open your eyes to it, and pushing you too hard at this stage won't help matters. The best thing you can do at this stage is work is improve your existing situation:

1. Learn more about abusive relationships .Read books - this is particularly good, visit websites is one as is this one and this one. Use incognito browsing. You can call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 or your local domestic abuse charity for more, confidential advice.
2. Try to increase your support network. Chances are your H will criticise you if you want to enjoy friendships with others, accusing you of neglecting him or the children and making you feel guilty. Therefore, make it more difficult for him to do that. Join as many mum-and-toddler groups/child activity groups as you feel able and just build up friendships. I guarantee that some of those women will either be going through what you're going through now, or will have done so in the past. When the friendships reach a point where you feel able to confide, you'll be pleasantly surprised how much support you could get.
3. Start preparing a 'go bag.' Store or copy as many important documents as you can - birth certificates, passports, bank statements, deeds to the house, copies of savings, numbers and providers of insurance policies, etc. Emergency overnight provisions, toothpaste, PJs etc. Also start trying to save some money if you can in a way that H doesn't know about, whether that's a new online only bank account or hard cash. When you've got it all, place your bag with a friend for safekeeping.
4. Go to this website to find you what you might get to support you if you leave your H. It may take away some of the fear.

You don't have to do anything right now. You've had enough of your H telling you you 'must' do this and 'shouldn't' do that. But please educate yourself. You'll hopefully find the knowledge empowering and it will allow you to make a fully informed choice about your life.

Good luck.

If you can manage to get out before April then you can apply for tax credits for all of your children, as after April there is going to be a 2 child cut off. It makes a difference.

can you apply for tax credits now? Do you receive them/the child benefit? Do you have your own bank account?

"Family therapy?" To have family therapy OP's husband would actually have to recognise his behaviour is shit and agree to go along, I highly doubt that will happen!

I agree it's not just as easy as packing up and leaving but you need to start making preparations. He is abusing you and abusing your children. Do you have access to money? Can you secretly start putting some in a savings account?

your poor ds, stop making him do football. Please stop letting this man control you, it's absolutely terrifying how much control he has. I'd lock your door tonight so he can't get in. Has he ever physically hurt you?

And I'm sorry to say this, but I agree with a pp who said it sounds like your H is grooming your dd.