H keeps treating the DCs unequally

[Unfairnotsure]

I have been reading mumsnet for years but signed up today because I just don't know what to do anymore a nd I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to.

H and I have 4 DCs and I am pregnant. DD1 is 9 and DH dotes on her. He buys her all sorts of treats, pays for three after school clubs. He attends her dancing shows and is always calling her his princess. Which in theory I have no problem with. However he doesn't treat our other three DCs the same way. Particularly DS1 who is 6.

This came to a head this yesterday. DS1 had a football match on Sunday morning. He has been in football club since September however he just isn't very good at football and he really doesn't enjoy it. However H won't let him quit and he won't let him do another activity in its place.

Sunday morning H decided that he wanted to come and see DS1 playing. This was the first time he had ever attended DS1 s activity and I will be honest I didn't want him to go but he was insistent.

When we got there it was awful, H was that parent. He was shouting from the sideline for DS to run faster or be better. DS 1 was trying but he was struggling to keep up and getting nowhere near the ball. Then just before half time DS1 fell over. They were playing on astroturf and he scraped his knees and hands and got a load of gritt in the cuts. He burst into tears and spent the rest of the match sitting next to me. When it became obvious that DS1 wasn't going to play again H stormed off and sat in the car for the rest of the time.

When we got home he kept telling DS1 that he needed to man up and that he wasn't trying hard enough to be good at football. In the end I told H to stop it and it was his fault for forcing DS to do something he doesn't like. H told me I was trying to make DS a better child and he needed to learn to be a man. He then slammed out to the pub.

He came back last night drunk, saying what a rubbish mum I was for letting DS be mediocre. I tried to argue that DS is really clever and kind he just doesn't suit football. H shouted and insulted me and really intimidated me. I told he was scaring me and he told me it was all in my head and this was why DS was so dramatic and then he went to bed.

This morning he was apologetic and very kind. The DD 1 and DS1 told us that they had heard us arguing last night and it had upset them. We both told them how sorry we are and reassured them it was ok. They went to school and H went to work.

H then text me a picture at lunch of a really lovely thoughtful present for DD to say sorry for upsetting her last night. I said that's lovely what are you getting for DS. He said nothing. I reminded him that DS had heard and was upset too. He offered to buy him some sweets (that DS doesn't like) I told him that wasn't good enough as it doesn't compare to what he got for DD.
He said he wouldn't get anyone anything then and I had cheated his daughter out of a present.

He then text me an hour later saying he was going to the pub after work and will be late home.

I just don't know how to make him see that what he is doing is wrong and will hurt DS. I am failing DS but I don't know how to make it right because H can't see its wrong. He just sees it was me babying DS and I don't know may be I am but he is only just 6. I don't think he needs to be a man yet.

How do I make H see what he is doing is wrong?

How do I report then? Sorry never had to do thst before

Allthebest I only use the mobile app so I may be no help to you. There's a little arrow icon to the right of the original post. Should say report.

Thanks

Allthebest that definitely wasn't me, I only signed up today and H definitely doesn't work too much.

H owns the house and the bank account is in his name only. At the time it made sense and to be honest I was glad because I had never had to deal with finances before and I didn't think I would be very good at it.
It seems like a really stupid mistake now though.

I know I need to leave him I just need to work out how.

Are you married? Much better if you are - who owns the house on the deeds is irrelevant if you're married.

Yes we are married.

Really really feeling for you. He sounds like a seriously nasty bastard. I hope your poor DS is ok, and you obvs

Call Women's Aid- you and your children are in an abusive situation and its your responsibility to act. Your H is a cunt of the highest order.

Take legal advice, op.

It's hard unfair as you'll get the people that say 'kick him out, he is obligated to keep the roof over your head' however reality is harder than that if you ask him to go and he tells you to do one! Before you mention anything to him, ring Hmrc and see what you are entitled to. As a sahm with 4 dcs and pg you will be entitled to assistance with rent/council tax/ bills and get child tax credits. If you can find a part time job (I know you are pg - maybe not now if you don't feel able, but afterwards) you can claim working tax credits and then also child care allowance which helps no end when there are very few friends/family members around (feeling you here too!) also take a free half hour with a solicitor, explain the situation and get some advice
Regardless of what you end up deciding, my main advice would be to find out what you are entitled to and sort out any decisions in your own head first before 'showing him your hand'. Forewarned is forearmed as they say. Best of luck with everything

Aside from the issue of how he treats the children, why in Gods name are you letting him treat YOU like this? Going out and getting drunk and then coming home and reading you the riot act on what a crappy person you are? WTAF???!!!

Add in the passive aggressive child abuse/bullying and whats left.....ahh yes ....Divorce papers........

Can we try and resist having a go at op ?

She is a victim too, has been with this guy since young, he was possibly her first serious potentially only boyfriend.

Don't underestimate the years of gas lighting she's been under.

That said please op contact women's aid.

They will be able to help both emotionally and practically. They can recommend lawyers experienced in this type of divorce, know the benefits system for this circumstance inside out.

Another who says contact women's aid. I know it is scary but honestly everything you H is telling you is wrong.

You are the primary caregiver. So the kids will stay with you. Your H will have to pay maintenance. It does not matter whose name everything is in because you are married so they are joint assets.

My biggest worry in your situation is that if the account is solely in his name that he will transfer funds and lie about them. Can you get hold of bank statements or pay slips at all.

If you are worried about where you would live you could enquire about a meshed order which means that you and the children can remain in the house until the youngest is 18 and it is only sold and the proceeds split then.
Finally you might be really surprised to see how many friends you have who will be willing to provide support and help if they know of your situation. I would if I knew I lived near you.
Please start investigating how you can move on and protect your DC

That's very sad to hear that he refuses to use contraception. It's further control from him.

After you have the baby, see your GP and get a coil fitted.

As much as you've been bullied and abused by him, you also stood very firm, in not allowing a gift for DD and nothing for DS, so I can see you're not that much of a pushover and when you reach your limit, you will speak up.

As much as his words will be hurtful, try not to let it affect you. You have to know he's the one with the problem and I'm inclined to believe, his FOO (family of origin), has a lot to do with how your DH is behaving. It's not an excuse, but upbringing plays a huge part in who we become as adults.

Just as the upbringing your DS is having will affect him in adulthood and it won't be his fault. It manifests in different ways. Often a child like your DS doesn't want children when they grow up, because they see themselves as failures and are afraid to become like their own dads, but they don't know how to be different.

Or some think that's how a dad should be and they go on to do the same and history repeats itself.

You have a lot on your plate and in reality, it may be some time before you can change things, but in the meantime, you can boost your DSs confidence with praise and words of affirmation.

If you are able to spend time with DD9 and DS6 together bonding and have them try and be a team and work together on things. It will create good memories for them. It can be something as simple as as a puzzle they work on, or a little chore that they have to do together and get a reward for. The idea is to counteract the damage your DH is doing.

You can't leave overnight, but you can show them through your actions, that fairness and equality are important in every aspect of life.

Please leave, your husband is an abusive cunt.

I feel so so sorry for your DS. I was the scape goat too. No matter my academic achievements, sporting accolades etc it didn't matter - my younger brother could shit in his cut hands and clap and my mother would have thrown a fucking party. I have battled with EDs, depression, anxiety and every day I struggle with my self esteem. I do not speak to my self involved brother and am very low contact with my mother.

Please leave, if not for yourself then for your children.

How can you let him treat your son like that??

The op is not letting him treat her son like that; she is objecting at every opportunity. She has no income, no assets (she has been led to believe) and no work experience, no bodily autonomy.
OP, what would happen if you cancel your son's football?
You are in such a difficult situation; does your husband have any family that would help you show him how abusive he is being? Do not have any more children, you have so much on your hands already.

Can I ask how far along your pregnancy is OP? I know this may be an awful thing to say but would termination be an option?

If not then as soon as you have had this baby get your contraception locked down. He doesn't need to know.

It sounds like it is going to take time for you to be in a position where you can leave him. Start by looking into what you can do.

Open a bank account for yourself and if you can start getting some money into there. Speak to womens aid & find out what help you can get.

You are at a very dangerous point where you have realised that you are in abusive relationship. This is where many men can escalate as they sense they are losing control.

Protect yourself and your DC.

As you are married, you own half the house
You will be entitled to stay in it until the youngest is at least 18
Do you get any child benefits ? if not, go to CAB & see if you can get them & open an online account to have the money sent to.
This man is a vile excuse of a human being.
You cannot allow him to treat you & your DCs like this.
You can ring WA & talk this through with them. I am guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Congratulations OP, today is the first step toward your new life.

Please contact Women's Aid and start talking through what steps you have to take to liberate yourself and your family and then start taking them, tiny steps forward or one giant leap.

Best of luck.

I'm sorry that your husband is a controlling, cuntish shitgibbon.

You need to get your children as far away from this man as possible.

Phew I hate to say this but I don't think OP is going to find a way out of this mess any time soon. You have been controlled and dominated by this man OP and for whatever reason you have allowed this to happen - I'm not criticising you - I think there are many women living in similar situations. The house and bank accounts are in his name so he has that tied up nicely and I was as shocked as others at the "no contraceptives" issue. Why don't you go and get the pill.............I imagine you are scared of this H or at the very least very wary of him.

Does he have any good points - I just don't know what to advise - people are making it sound easier than it actually is I'm afraid. I f you leave you could ask the council to re-house you as you are "unintentionally" homeless by virtue of the fact that your husband is emotionally abusive and you're in priority need because of having dependent children. However councils just don't have enough properties - and they contracted most of their housing to Housing Associations. You might be fortunate enough to get one, but more likely to be put in grotty temporary accommodation or even bed and breakfast. I don't know where you live but I hope for your sake it isn't London. For more info on housing look on the SHELTER website. The council could house you in a private rented accommodation, and can loan you the "rent up front" that is needed (around £1,000) and then you'll need a months rent in advance - another thousand - AND they can offer you accommodation anywhere in the country - usually where rents are cheaper. You could claim Income Support and Housing Benefit.............and H would have to pay child maintenance. It IS possible but you need a great deal of emotional courage and I don't get the feeling that you have much of that at the moment, which isn't surprising.

Incidentally you are both following the usual pattern - mother worry about fathers having contact when they are not there and fathers bluster about going for custody. If they think the wife/partner is serious about leaving they often threaten suicide (but they don't actually do it)

Why don't you talk to Women's Aid and get some ideas of how you might leave. You are in an abusive relationship and that's every bit as bad as physical violence. Oh and go and get the pill................at least you can prevent any more pregnancies.

He's a total wanker, isn't he? Ignores the two youngest and bullies the 6 year old? I would take ds6 out of football immediately. Please get some contraception after the baby is born. Doesn't like contraception? Too girly for him?? Please don't put any more children through this.

This thread must be overwhelming for you

Like someone else says - take little steps. It's more manageable that way.

Today, call Women's aid, and make an appointment to speak to someone. Then log onto entitledto and calculate what you'd be entitled to if you split.

Always clear your internet history and browse incognito. Log out of mumsnet etc. But every day, do or find out one or two things that might be helpful for leaving him. It might be getting the coil, or hiding a tiny amount of money or important documents. It might seem like a massive thing, but if you take it in small steps you will get there.

Don't tell your husband you are doing this - that's really important.

You can rescue these children from a terrible life. From an abusive asshole. You can reclaim your own body. You can let your children blossom to their full potential in a happy and loving home.

Thank you for all the advice.

I'm 6 months pregnant at the moment.

I don't know what H would do if I took DS out of football without H but I don't think it would be very nice and I worry that he would be even worse to DS which would be awful.

thank you for the tip of doing a couple of little things a day rather than viewing it as one big step.