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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp moody cos I can't have sex for 6 weeks

338 replies

Rizzo03 · 12/02/2017 12:30

I've just had treatment for cervical cancer so I can't have sex for 6 weeks, he knew this right from the start, we are now in week 2 and he's moody, tense and there's an atmosphere. There's also a lot of other things going on, my dad has just died and his ex is causing trouble his dd wants to live with her mum, all adding to the pressure. I just feel really down with it all and I needed somewhere to moan

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 13/02/2017 09:24

The thing is lots of people could say it and while it pissed me off/upset me, i could shrug it off because the one person who mattered wasn't saying it and that was more important. If I was op I'd be way more crushed.

When I was married to exh he constantly badgered me for anal. I said no. I had tried it with a previous bf and had found it unpleasant and painful - I didn't tell exh that as I felt my no should be sufficient and I didn't want him to feel bad for trying to get me to do something painful. Eventually after a long campaign of trying to convince me to 'try it' I sat him down and had a heart to heart. I told him how painful I had found it and really didn't want to do it again. I expected him to be immediately understanding and say he'd never want me to do something which hurt me. Instead his face turned to anger and he said if I had done it with someone else I should do it with him. How did I think he felt knowing I'd let someone else do it and wouldn't let him. It suddenly became clear it wasn't an issue of mutual enjoyment but access rights. Like my anis was some kind of path acrossy garden and now I'd set a precedent I had to allow him access too. He ramped up his campaign only now using his hurt and anger as a reason for me to do it. It totally changed how I felt about him. While it wasn't the reason I left him it was definitely a factor. That betrayal was way worse than ransoms telling me I should do it. This is the person who should cherish you not see your holes as a right of way.

When I met dh he was the first man I'd met who would only do things with constant enthusiastic consent. No ambiguity. Just pure pleasure for both of us or not at all.

So sorry op but your h attitude is pretty revolting.

MrsKoala · 13/02/2017 09:26

Sorry, autocorrect ran riot there!

Original poster
Rizzo03 · 13/02/2017 09:31

I remember my sister was with someone awful, she had a hysterectomy and after a few weeks he was badgering her for sex, saying things like your just going to make me have an affair u are. Was moody etc, and she did end up having sex with him. My dp thought he was a prick, he said then u just go and sort yourself out don't you, what a prick. Now he's doing the same thing, it's like he can't help himself. I reminded him of this but he just looked embarrassed, yet still he does it!

Last night we both just fell asleep thankfully

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 13/02/2017 09:57

MrsK, sorry your ex was a bastard.

Rizzo, glad you got some rest. Another anecdote about a normal guy: when a friend of mine died suddenly, DH (who was my boyfriend then) offered to go home, sleep on the floor, sleep on the sofa, just hold me, whatever I needed when grieving. That's how you take care of someone.

venusinscorpio · 13/02/2017 10:01

She was only considering condoms because he bullied her and pressured her so much southall. Perhaps RTFT next time before you jump in?

Soubriquet · 13/02/2017 11:13

After I had my first born, I had a severe tear and thick scar tissue that eventually needed surgery to repair

My dh waited 2 whole years for me to have sex again.

He got a bit frustrated at times because obviously 2 years is a long time but not once did he pressure me to have sex

He asked for help in other ways which I was happy to do.

Your partner is a twat

SpartacusWoman · 13/02/2017 17:14

Just wanted to add to the most men are not like him at all. Loving and respectful husbands do not coerce consent from their wives, loving and respectful husbands don't continue having sex with someone when they know it's hurting them.

You shouldn't have to dread going to bed in your own home, you are recovering from cancer treatment as well as grieving for your Dad, you're stress is up as it is and the last thing on your mind will be putting his dick in your mouth. A loving respectful husband wouldn't be hassling you to service him, sulking and mooding when you say no. I found it hard to sleep in the few weeks after my Dad died, and if dh was making being in bed stressful my making advances he knew I didn't want I'd be even less likely to sleep, if this is happening with you it'll make your recovery longer.

I'd be tempted to sleep on the sofa and if he complains I'd tell him I desperately need sleep as stress and grief make it difficult to start with and he's making it harder by pressiuring me to perform sex acts he knows I don't want rather than letting me rest n supporting me during an extremly stressful and upsetting time,

Men know coerced consent isn't consent. Some think doing this to their wives isn't coercion as they genuinely feel their partners and wives should accommodate their wish to ejacualte and don't like it when their partners don't feel the same and prioritise something else like their health, grief, DC, etc. I couldn't be with a man who thinks I shoud proritise making him ejacualte over recovering from cancer and grieving for my Dad, no matter how nice he was the rest of the time. I don't think I've ever said this in the ten years I've been on here but once stronger health wise I'd seriously be considering LTB.

A health scare and losing a parent at the same time makes you realise how fragile life is and you deserve better than spending anymore time dreading going to bed in your own home.

Flowers
NootNoot · 13/02/2017 18:12

What a steaming thundercunt.

I had 2 blocks of 6 weeks "no action" with only 2 weeks in between.
Did my OH complain- fuck no. He did all the heavy housework ie hoiking the hoover upstairs, he cooked me nice meals, replenished hot water bottles ad nauseum, didn't even baulk when I accidentally left a rather grim sanitary pad beside the bin rather than it it. And when the "ban" was up, he never mentioned it until I was ready.

Let the doctors remove the cancer from your cervix, and you cut the cancer out of your relationship. Big hugs & best of luck with your treatment.

Arion · 13/02/2017 18:12

Sorry to hear about the rough deal you've got at the moment Rizzo. Just to add to the chorus, I guess, someone with respect for you doesn't pressure you to do something you don't want.

After DC1, we didn't have sex for 12 weeks, before we got married I had a skin condition that sometimes meant I was a bit sore, he always stopped if I so much as winced, or breathed in sharply, and was really concerned about it being enjoyable for me as well. I've been struggling with depression last year, so my sex drive has been low, there has been no pressure, he's just been happy when I've been in the mood for sex.

I don't understand the whole mindset of 'just' giving a blowjob if you don't feel like sex. If you don't feel like sex, you don't feel like it. If he was hungover, or really suffering with a cold, I'm sure you wouldn't expect them to give you oral so why shouldn't he give you the same respect?

purpleprincess24 · 13/02/2017 19:04

I had a prolapse repair and am now 4 weeks into the 6 week 'ban'

During that time DH has been absolutely wonderful and has not complained for a second.

In fact, I was a bit tipsy at the weekend and we were cuddled up, so I offered to 'help out' (and they say romance is dead lol) but he was having none of it .. in his words 'no, that wouldn't be fair, I'll wait until you're 100%'

Original poster
Rizzo03 · 13/02/2017 20:13

Well I just want to say thank you all for your support, I have read every one of your posts but I can't thank u individually. When u have response like this is does make you feel MNers care and does make u evaluate your life. On a positive note they did think the cancer was caught very early, thank god I went for a smear test when I did. I did put it off because I was looking after my very sick dad at the time, my slightly abnormal cells went to cancerous in quite a short period of time it seems which is scary, they said stress can make the cells change quicker but who knows, but they removed the cancer cells, in just waiting to see the biopsy came back clear and the scan. They were very optimistic though, didn't think there was any sign of it spreading.

I've put a brace face on today as it's half term and we had a family day out, but yes I am very disappointed with dp I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about it. I'm not really in a good place to be planning my escape or even if I want to, because apart from this we do get on laugh at each other, I enjoy his company normally, we do have a good life together but this lack of empathy does worry me, he can be sympathetic if I'm ill for a few days but once it goes on he can't keep it up. I will be speaking my mind on this subject .

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 13/02/2017 20:21

good luck with everything Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 20:28

Good luck Rizzo Flowers, that is a major thing, not just a little. He should be there for the rough, as well as the smooth, and if he's not, think of a future without him. Its totally understandable you are not ready now, but think about it. There is a very nasty side to him, that is what you have to consider.

Original poster
Rizzo03 · 13/02/2017 20:38

I know aero, I am thinking about it all seriously. I've been a single mum before I'm not scared of being in my own and I'm ok financially myself so there's nothing stopping me if I want to. I just need to become stronger first and think a little more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rizzo03 · 13/02/2017 20:38

On my own I mean

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 13/02/2017 20:39

What is the matter with these dick head men?

Phoebefromfriends · 13/02/2017 20:43

OP get as much support as you can at the moment, can you sleep in another room temporarily? I really think that you need to consider whether you stay in this abusive relationship. He is bullying you when you are at your weakest. I'm not sure who said this quote but I think it's true in this case "everything is about sex, apart from sex that's about power". He's preying on you at your most vulnerable when he should be supporting you. Consider going through this situation single, from where I'm sitting that would be a preferable. Good luck OP, keep us updated. Flowers

buzzmoon · 13/02/2017 20:43

Good luck rizzo! You deserve someone amazing, you're an amazing woman! ❤️

Trooperslane · 13/02/2017 20:43

🙄😳😳😳😳

Has he heard of wanking and supporting his partner through a totally horrific time

This is brutal, op. X

Larainette · 13/02/2017 21:08

That's good that you aren't trapped financially OP. I think work on your health for the moment and then think about the kind of person you want in your life. And you can always post on MN for advice, it's likeDumbledore says about Hogwarts - "help will always be given at Hogwarts to thoae who ask for it".
Off to vomit now, apologies all, too much wine tonight Blush

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 22:14

That is great Rizzo, you are stronger than you think. Take the time you need. Mabey sleep in another room to create that distance between yiu as a step to breaking away from him. What he has done to you in the past is abusive and coercive, and no loving man woukd ever do that. He's nice on his terms only.

UnbornMortificado · 13/02/2017 23:13

MrsK that's horrible, have you told that story on here before? If not I think sadly another women has had a similar experience.

Rizzo I'm glad your starting to see him for what he truly is. It's really sad to read what he is putting you through. You deserve so much better then that.

Original poster
Rizzo03 · 14/02/2017 08:52

Woke up to a rose and gifts, I'm just not feeling it 😢

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 14/02/2017 08:53

I'm not surprised you're not feeling it.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2017 16:41

Woke up to a rose and gifts, I'm just not feeling itWoke up to a rose and gifts, I'm just not feeling it

Rather like putting a small l bandaid on a gaping stab wound, isn't it?