DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

[Turntheheatingdown]

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

Making the decision to leave us actually harder than leaving itself. As I said, your partner reminds me of my EX husband. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did and I have never ever never regretted leaving the bastard.

Hard to find the words to describe how horrible this man is. Bullying and vindictive don't seem strong enough.

You have a loving family who sound like they love you and will support you.

Get to a lawyer fast and get away from him.

Oh you poor girl. I am not one to just say LEAVE NOW to any woman that easily, but LEAVE NOW.

This man sounds utterly hideous.

Well he isn't going to suddenly be great at making financial decisions is he?
So atm you have £30k of debts. I would expect that to go up or you paying even more for him.

So really on a financial POV, I would separate ASAP.

On a relationship pov, he is showing you again who he is. He isn't sorry about what he did, he somehow feels he is in the right and yu are still communicating so bad,y that he didn't know your family wasn't aware he was back. with good reasons btw! I can see why you didn't tell them. The issue is more that the trust is still gone no you didn't feel yu could tell HIM you hadn't told your family iyswim.

As an aside, would it be worth going to see a lawyer re the money you have put in his business? Could that be taken into account as a debt he has towards you as you are not married? No idea if it could be if you haven't sign an agreement etc... but worth checking?

Think through the logic of second chances. You gave him one and he has failed to take it. Now you have to decide, act now or accept you really just gave him carte blanche to treat you like shit for as long as you are together. For the record, due to his lack of remorse and playing the victim, I would bet money he will cheat on you again.

Your family sound lovely.

Your DP sounds like a really horrible person.

Good grief!

Threatening you, taking spiteful destructive action against your sister, attempting to wreck her marriage having wrecked his own, trying to control you and DS....

He sounds like a vicious misogynistic. 'Slut shaming ' your sister. How does he think he has any moral credential at all? The woman he was having an affair with was an OW. He is the one with the responsibility to be faithful to you.

Is your house bought as joint tenants or tenants in common? Go and get legal advice, about the house and the debt. He will have to pay CM, you will get a big discount on council tax without him.

The fact that you were afraid to tell those who love and care for you that he was back was a big red flag. Wake up to that instinct now.

Oh OP you poor thing.

Look please just cut your losses.

1. He is financially irresponsible and got you in to a LOT of debt.
2. He is unfaithful
3. He speaks to you and your family in abusive terms
4. He's drinker judging on your 'he usually just goes down the pub' comment
5. He is not doing what any decent person would do after hurting someone they profess to love - doing anything and everything to make it up to that person and show they have changed.

You will 100% feel so much better without him in your life. It will be hard at first financially and emotionally but you have a family who sound very supportive, you have your son and you have yourself - don't underestimate the reserves you will find inside yourself.

I think you need to see a solicitor. Could you prove the debts are his?

nothing to add really. I don't see why you should bail out his debt. Who has been paying the mortgage ????
It may be you get more than half the house, & in theory could stay in it with DC until he's 18, or more
But in reality getting shot asap, live your life, be happy.

Hide the invitation. Hopefully he doesn't know the date or the venue. He WILL turn up to ruin it otherwise. Spiteful spiteful man xx

This situation with the wedding invite may have done you a favour by showing you what a complete arsehole he is before you fully let him back into your life on a permanent basis. He is clearly not sorry and has learnt nothing. With all the other stuff you've said about him what positive things does he actually bring to you life? Nothing by the sound of it. Yes, you'll have to pay something to get rid of him but it sounds like he'd only rack up more debts over time making the situation worse and more difficult to leave in the future. He doesn't deserve the second chance you've given him. Think carefully before you let him back into your life - with his attitude to you, your family, your son and the OW it sounds doomed to be honest.

Your oh "just doesn't get it"

He doesn't have the or seem to have the ability to understand that he has acted in such a way that the repercussions are uncomfortable for him.

That is not your doing op

He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour in an adult way and stand up to the outcome.

As to whether he will do it again, no one on here can know that, and probably not him.

Where is that YouTube clip by the French woman lecture about life after the affair? That's a good one to watch

He sounds horrenduous

Your family does sound lovely, if I were you I'd tell them you've made a mistake and don't want to be back with him, I'd also tell them everything about the debts and his abusive behaviour.

I'm sure they will help and support you in whatever way they can to help you split properly with this vile man.

Don't take him back!
Please!!
He is absolutely horrendous and a vengeful abuser of the highest order.
please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Banckroft. It will enlighten you and give you strength.

Please, please don't have him back again. He's not even sorry for anything he's done and treats you terribly. I don't know you but I can tell you for certain that you deserve so much more.

OP: how does he make your life better? How is your life enhanced by being in a relationship with him?

Why are you with this prize specimen of a man?

His behaviour is appalling. Your sister is quite justified in not inviting him to the wedding THAT HE TRIED TO STOP HAPPENING, never mind his behaviour towards you.

He treats you badly, blames you for his actions and is showing that he's not really sorry. He'll do it again, OP.

OP, I dont normally say LTB but when someone tell you who they are you should listen.

You need to see a solicitor to work out how to offset the debt against the equity.
Honestly and truly, all the money in the world is not enough to stay in this relationship. Get a lawyer and don't agree to anything until you have taken advice.

OP treat this as the wake up call that it is. Stop ignoring his spiteful petty ways and move on. You and your DS deserve a better life. Your family will support you through this and be delighted you've dumped the vile excuse for a man.

Your partner is not only a nasty piece of work, he has no respect for you whatsoever and probably only came back for your money.

Speak to a solicitor, as you're not married you might well not be responsible for his business debts.

Don't let him ruin your sister's wedding. He is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family, to minimise the support available to you so th at he can control you more readily.

Your child deserves better than to be used as a pawn in your partner's power games.

LTB life is worth so more much than wasting it with this arsehole

Awww, you deserve better. He doesn't sound like a good egg.

There is no way on earth I would invite a wanker who cheated on my sister for nearly a year to my wedding. That is without him trying to come between my future husband and I.

Nearly a year!! Seriously. Why would you even want to try again with someone who could keep that up for so long. 10 months of constant lying. How would you ever be able to believe a single word he said ever again?