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Original poster

DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

253 replies

Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 06:39

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
GoodDayToYou · 12/02/2017 22:55

You know what to do OP.
Focus on what you want now.
Good luck & hugs! Flowers

kittybiscuits · 12/02/2017 22:56

What an arsehole. It's a good job you have seen him for the piece of shit he really is. I'm sorry it hurts so much but you will never regret leaving this pig.

TeethDrama · 13/02/2017 00:02

OP - if your DP had sent an angry text back to your Dsis herself, that might be understandable. And like for like, as such.

It's the fact he sent it to her fiance which turns it from understandable to vindictive. I have been out with this kind of person before and it is awful, constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what they are thinking up next.

Original poster
Turntheheatingdown · 13/02/2017 07:14

I know. He could have sent her a text back and that would probably have been forgiveable as a knee jerk reaction but he didnt.

He got in at 11.30 after I had gone to bed and made a bacon sandwich. He set the smoke alarm off which luckily (or worryingly in one aspect) didnt wake DS.

He started trying to talk to me and a lay in bed with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears so I couldnt hear. If I had heard what he was saying I'm sure I would have snapped and I didnt want to wake DS who was asleep in the next room (doors don't close- very small house).

Today is going to be a long hard day in the office.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/02/2017 07:24

Long hard day in the office with hopefully a lunchtime visit/call to a solicitor... seriously, do it. Find out your options ASAP.

PossumInAPearTree · 13/02/2017 07:32

Your ds will be more damaged by growing up in a household with a relationship like this going on. Kids survive divorce. Growing up in a loving, relaxed household is more important.

Wingsofdesire · 13/02/2017 15:23

Can't believe you had to go through that with the weekends. The lying is so much as bad as the romantic and sexual betrayal. The lying is so bad, and wtf did he think you were feeling all weekend when he had his phone off? And has it stopped? Has this other person gone?

RedAndYellowStripe · 13/02/2017 17:49

Gosh, the affair in itself wasn't great but what he did during that time? The betrayal, the leaving waiting wo knowing where he was, making you feel guilty about it?
Just that, wo an affair, should be enough to want to leave TBH.

And I have to say, I don't think he has changed on that score of his behaviour this weekend is to go by.... (see the throwing the coat at your face etc...)

RedAndYellowStripe · 13/02/2017 17:50

Have you use the time in the office to contact a sollicitor?
At the very least to know where you stand re the debts

EweAreHere · 13/02/2017 18:07

You need to tell him to go, OP.

This isn't healthy.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2017 23:50

His behaviour has been despicable. There is no reason to stay with such an individual. But I stand by my statements about your sister. You don't know what misery she has caused by her own affair. She seems to want to sweep this under the carpet. Two wrongs don't make a right. She has no business to be lecturing others on morals.

SandyY2K · 14/02/2017 01:14

I agree with you regarding the OPs sister Viv and the devastation she could have caused another woman , but he is really a nasty piece of work.

TolpuddleFarterOATB · 14/02/2017 01:52

I never usually say LTB, but please, please, please do. If not for you, for your son (as don't believe it is only you he will try and damage.

smegsmeg · 14/02/2017 02:24

LTB!!! What a vile man.

Original poster
Turntheheatingdown · 14/02/2017 07:17

This isnt about judging my sister. Ive said he could have messaged her back whatever he wanted but to try to destroy her relationship after she sent him 1 text (1 text!!!) was totally unacceptable. And now he demands an invite to her wedding?? Why, so he can ruin that?? Or ban our son from being a pageboy??

This thread is not about my sisters behaviour from 8 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turntheheatingdown · 14/02/2017 07:18

And sending 1 text is hardly lecturing.

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 14/02/2017 07:18

Phone the solicitor!!!

VanillaSugar · 14/02/2017 07:20

And ignore Viv OP.... There's always one Hmm

rainbowstardrops · 14/02/2017 07:20

He didn't come home until 11.30? He was probably out drinking or seeing the OW or both.
I think you should leave the vile piece of shit but appreciate that's easy for me to say.
In all honesty though, could you ever trust him again? He's not even sorry!

Namechangedforvanity · 14/02/2017 07:44

Turntheheatingdown I've been where you are my exs affair was my final straw but he'd done plenty of very shitty things that I'd forgiven prior to that and my family and friends were dismayed each time I took him back but remained supportive of me, eventually I was so caught up in trying to keep the peace that I rarely saw my closest friends or my mum because it was easier than trying to justify his behaviour.
I came from a fucked up broken home and was desperate to do it 'right' for my childrens sake now I'm trying to undo the damage that living with a feckless father and an emotional wreck of a mother has done to my eldest son, but, I'm doing it with in a loving family with his stepdad and half brother and sister. His life (and mine) are so much better now because life is consistent and there's no one around making us feel like shit.
In regards to my ex my mum used to tell me if he's showing you who he really is why are you not believing him?
In this instance your sister is showing you she's putting your needs first - even on her own wedding day and what's your partner showing you??
He sounds like a massive cunt please just leave don't waste years and years on him and potentially have a very anxious or angry young child to repair

HelenDenver · 14/02/2017 08:21

Op

Vivienne always posts provactively. She delights in it. Don't take it personally.

KERALA1 · 14/02/2017 08:23

He openly sees other women and is abusive to your family. Ending it isn't even a decision is it? It's over.

Original poster
Turntheheatingdown · 14/02/2017 11:24

He didnt openly see other women?! It was a secret affair and when he told me about it (following pressure from OW) we split. Not that I'm defending him.

I'm collating info at the moment.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/02/2017 12:36

I wouldn't appreciated being told off or brought to task about an affair by somebody who has done the same thing themselves. Some people can forgive an affair and move on but some can't. And some never find out abour their partner's affair.

cees · 14/02/2017 14:33

He is a prick, he wil not treat you well, things won't get better just worse.

RUN