DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

[Turntheheatingdown]

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

Save all of his texts and emails. You will need a lawyer in the future

Leave your dh .... it's going to turn even more sour. He's not worth it.

Just read your last post. Run for the hills.

He sounds utterly disgusting on many counts. You can't seriously want someone like that to attend your poor sister's wedding.

All of this is sort of expected as the bumpy ride after a big revelation as things slowly settle down - until the "make a scene" bit. There is something really bad about that. He is holding you to ransom using the threat of his antisocial, premeditated behaviour? I went out with a guy like that. He was a crackpot and it didn't end happily.

This is a classic cover up response.
He has done something wrong. He knows he's done wrong but hates that it's getting the attention.
What you do is make someone else look like they have done worse. Move the attention onto them.

Let's make sil look bad so people forget about his issue. Let's make her look worse than me so what I did was nothing and ok.

He's also being physiologically abusive to you. Giving you fake moral dilemmas. Making you feel bad for him.

You hadn't told your family you were back together. Maybe that's because deep down you knew it wasn't the right thing to do.

Wow. This horrid man has caused all this upset in your life and you still want to be with him? Why OP? Ltb, see a solicitor re access a day report his threats to police. I think you know this is over. His behaviour is disgusting and shows he clearly isn't sorry. Leave. Sort access to ds. Go to your sisters wedding. Be happy. Meet someone who treats you better. Good luck op.

You are with him, WHY? I'm sorry OP, he sounds like a very manipulative, controlling, vengeful, petulant excuse for a man.

Get rid.

He's vindictive, controlling, and majorly unpleasant. Take him at his word and consider it over forever. Count your lucky f*cking stars.

Your sister was a bit hot-headed and impetuous to get involved, but her actions came from love and protectiveness for you. His actions come from selfishness, vindictiveness and self-justification. Can you see the difference?

What an absolute prince among men. He really has no respect for ANY woman. I certainly would not want him at the wedding. Do you really need him around?? What for??

He sounds like a complete dickhead, don't waste anymore of your time on this fool

He's controlling you, he's prepared to spoil things for your ds by not letting him be a page boy and is prepared to ruin your sisters wedding by making a scene. Why are you with such a nasty person?

Let's face it, he's not sorry for what he's done, he's just hoping that you'll eventually shut up about it and he's furious that your sister won't. If his response to being told he's hurt someone and needs to apologise is to call you a cunt and start trying to panic you by threatening to split with you, he's just trying another bullying tactic. Why would you let yourself in for more of that?

Also him texting your Dsis fiancé with info he knows was confidential. If he's have angrily texted her back in kind, that would have been understandable, but to text her fiancé is vindictive. It definitely goes against some level of decency - "gloves are off" type behaviour which I would find very worrying.

Has he never been vindictive/spiteful to you op? I would find that hard to believe. Like I said, I went out with s guy like this and he was spiteful, vindictive, jealous and controlling. (He could also be very charming and charismatic and, oddly humble).

You deserve someone who loves you for being you. Not someone who refuses to accept they were wrong.

I'd go to your family and ask for their help in leaving. You and Ds need to be happy. It doesn't sound like he will ever be remorseful for his behaviour.

Just seen your message about him calling you a cunt, etc.

Kick him out. He doesn't love you. He will cheat on you again and be nasty to you and fuck your head up in the meantime.

What a charmer! I would never be able to forgive someone who not only cheated but then said the OW was better. Let her have him then!

He should also have been decent enough to apologise to your sister instead of asking you to sort it.
Get rid.

The other woman was better?! Wow!!!! Pack his bags and leave them on her doorstep. Tell him since she's better, run along and make her life a misery instead of yours.

He's trying to call your bluff talking about access and selling the house. Proceed with it, he won't be expecting you to.

Honestly, he's a prize twat and you can do better. Don't allow yourself to be his second choice.

What an appalling human being. Does he have some kind of personality disorder? Why oh why oh why would you want him back? The correct response in this situation is for him to be humble and grovelling for forgiveness. And what he did to your sister?! Unhinged!

I do think he is narcissistic. He honestly doesnt think he was in the wrong.

Before I admitted to him DSis didn't know we were back together I asked him why he wanted to come to the wedding when he clearly hates DSis (seeing as he wouldnt apologise and vindictively tried to ruin her relationship) and he said it was the principal.

He has DS as last night I was doing wedding prep with DSis. He drove over unannounced at 7.45 to give me the dog (when he should have been putting DS to bed). I'm hoping he went home. In the past he would have dropped DS at his nans and gone out to drink.

I don't want to contact him today but I need to collect DS to take him to see my nan as its her 94th bday today. I feel sick with stress.

Oh, you poor love.
I hope this helps you to see him more clearly and helps you to get out for good, otherwise he will pull this sort of stunt every time he doesn't get his own way or people don't treat him with 'respect' WTF?

Look forward to your DSis wedding, but look forward to being single when you are there

Vile man! Yes you definitely need to leave him

You don't need someone like that OP

I don't often reply to these threads but wanted to say that you don't deserve all this stress. You have given him a second chance after the biggest betrayal, he should be doing everything to prove that he would not do that to you again.

What is he doing opening mail addressed to you?

He should be falling over himself to be apologising to your family for the hurt he has caused you and the upset to them?

He not only betrayed you but also betrayed your sister.

The name calling to you is shameful.

If he is behaving like this now, in what should be a honeymoon period, how will he act towards you when you question where he's been etc, because you will because it will take time to build the trust back up?

I can completely understand you giving him a second chance when you have a young ds. If you split now, you will absolutely know in your heart that you tried everything to make it work.

He just sounds out and out mean and is making you feel really sad when you have done no wrong it all of this.

Your family sound lovely and that you have lots of support.

OP

Your P is awful!

I am sorry but I think you are making a mistake trying to hold onto this man.
WHY do you want to?!
😱

What a cunt.

Get shot OP. He is moving into a full on assault to pressure you down. Showing you how awful your life will be if you dare to leave him.
My stbxh did this. But it had reached a point where I was prepared to deal with a life time of shit just to be free of him. 7 months later I barely have anything to do with him.

He sounds absolutely vile. Get some help for yourself and keep you and DS safe. I agree about getting advice on how to keep him away from the wedding. Add a security guy onto the wedding who's sole purpose is to keep twathead away.

Poor you guys. I understand your feeling of 'I don't know what to do' cos it's not really that you don't know. You don't want to face it. It feels like a mammoth task. But it's like ripping off a band aid. Just DO IT. Quick and resolute.
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