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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

253 replies

Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 06:39

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 12/02/2017 07:41

Sorry but the relationship is over anyway in all but name.

He cheated consistently
He is not sorry
He is cruel and abusive to you and those you love

Over.

Lessthanaballpark · 12/02/2017 07:42

I know how stressful it is, how your stomach feels when you feel like you're caught in this awful nightmare. But be strong and think of the peace you will have when it's over.

Let him fuss and threaten but always come back to what's best for DS, which is a stable home with calm happy not warring parents.

Chops2016 · 12/02/2017 07:42

He's trying to call your bluff talking about access and selling the house. Proceed with it, he won't be expecting you to.
^This!

Seriously, what a complete arsehole!

Please tell him that if the OW was better feel free to return to her (if she would even take him...).

Also agree with saving all these messages as evidence - especially the abuse and him admitting to having an affair.

You can't stay with this man- think what he is teaching your son about how to treat women. If you can't leave for yourself do it for your son.

CookieDoughKid · 12/02/2017 07:43

I think he doesn't really want to be with you as is looking for a way out whilst pinning the blame on you. He should be grovelling after his affair but it sounds like he is not all that bothered.

tribpot · 12/02/2017 07:47

So he feels no remorse for the affair. Your self-respect should be telling you that you are worth more than that.

He feels that by giving him a piece of her mind, your sister 'deserves' what he did in retaliation. It wasn't her 'getting involved' in your relationship, it was doing what sisters do - standing up for each other. Of course she was mad as hell, and wanting to defend you. Shame he didn't have quite so much concern about your feelings and wellbeing.

And now that you're standing up to him he is threatening you with the end of your relationship. Take him up on that and don't look back.

I take it from comments like wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist). He is claiming that what you have done is as bad as what he did? It isn't remotely similar.

It is time, however, to scrutinise the relationship properly. You deserve better than to be treated this way - and that's before we get to the fact that you've no idea if he dumped your son on his nan and went drinking last night.

SorrelSoup · 12/02/2017 07:52

He has called me a c, told me I'm repulsive and disgusting, that the OW was better than me. I'm so hurt
This is awful. Please listen to everyone and leave him. Your family sound lovely and will hopefully breathe a sigh of relief and support you. It seems messy and difficult now, but you will disentangle your lives and you can be free of him.

SomeonesRealName · 12/02/2017 07:52

He sounds textbook narcissist, OP. There's really nothing that can be done if someone has a personality disorder and it's dangerous to stay with someone like you've described - for your ds as well as you. Please don't inflict this monster on your lovely dsis on her wedding day.

Againagain97 · 12/02/2017 07:53

After your last update he can't come back into the relationship!

But even if this had not happened, can you imagine how he would've been at the wedding? He wouldn't really be welcome, people are just being nice to you.

Run, run for the hills!

Headofthehive55 · 12/02/2017 07:59

He's trying to be a horrid to you as possible so you end it and then can be painted as one that broke it all up.

He doesn't sound like hs worth having.

EllaHen · 12/02/2017 08:01

Agree with all other poster but also - he should not have opened your mail. Presumably it was only addressed to you.

Original poster
Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 08:03

I know people don't really want him at the wedding (even if he apologises). That makes me feel even more pathetic.

He opened the invite as it was addressed to Miss x and Master .... DS has DPs surname and so I genuinely think that was an honest mistake. I also wasnt expecting a formal invite as DSis had told ne she had run out of them

OP posts:
bananarama75 · 12/02/2017 08:06

He is testing you...he had an affair, you took him back. ...he dissed your family, will you accept that?. ..... he wants to see how far he can push you. Then what? He's got you right where he wants you. Don't do it please because it'll be something else soon enough that you're having to turn a blind eye to/put up with. You will diminish as a person in every sense. Trust me, I know.

ilovelamp82 · 12/02/2017 08:09

This man sounds horrible. After everything he's done he should be apologising ( and mean it) and trying everything to get back jnto your good graces.

He sounds vile. The sooner you get rid of him, the better. Life is too short to spend stressing over a man who is unpredictable, horrible, controlling and clearly doesn't care about you at all.

To be clear you are not leaving him over a wedding invite. You would be leaving him as he once again is showing you the piece of work he is.

You deserve better. My worst enemy deserves better.

Maylani · 12/02/2017 08:10

Leave DP in your own terms, don't be threatened about access arrangements etc. Keep it as civil as you can your dc sake but I'd prepare by looking into finances, then put an end to the relationship as soon as possible, and be the one to say 'no more of this'.

Better a lone parent for a wile with a chance to meet someone as nice as you deserve!

HelenaGWells · 12/02/2017 08:10

Your family likely don't want him there but your sister clearly loves you so much she's willing to have him there because you chose to go back. Someone who loves you enough to support you so unconditionally will be an amazing support whatever you do.

I do believe that some relationships can survive an affair but it takes a lot of work. It also needs the person who cheated to be genuinely sorry. It sounds from your posts like he isn't sorry at all he is just trying to blame you for everything.

No one should be called a cunt and screamed at like this. You feel sick with anxiety because he has become abusive and unpredictable. Get out, take your DS and move on. You don't need his drama and your son doesn't need to see it.

SavoyCabbage · 12/02/2017 08:12

He's not not invited because he had an affair. He is not invited because
A) they didn't know you were together
B) he tried to ruin the bride and grooms relationship
C) he is not speaking to the people who are getting married.

He sounds like a total git. It's clear to me you would be better off without him as he is not bringing anything positive to your life.

londonrach · 12/02/2017 08:16

What everyone else has said. Op stand back and look at this from your sisters point of view. Your dp tried to break them up. Why on earth would he think for one moment he be invited! Never said this before but id be questioning why you with him, he sounds very nasty and dangerous.

VanillaSugar · 12/02/2017 08:16

Sadly your Partner is not a narcissist. He is beyond that. He is displaying the classic signs of Psychopath tendency and I recognise my ex-husband in your partner.

He does wrong - you get cross - he plays the victim. He acts like a spoiled six year old to get his own way. He is a bully and is controlling but if you confront him he acts hurt and makes YOU apologise to HIM...

There's only one way out and that is to leave, I'm afraid. You will have 100% support from your family who will help you in every way they can.

OP. Your partner will only get worse. I am so sorry to have to tell you this Sad

Bluebellevergreen · 12/02/2017 08:16

Manipulative bastard. Sorry
So he has an affair
Because despitefully towards sis

Now threatens to leave you and about house and son arrangements? You shoild be the one leaving and he should be the one begging for forgiveness

Manipulative cheater

He will cheat again with this profile
Today is the wedding... tomorrow?

I think yoi know what needs doing

Bluebellevergreen · 12/02/2017 08:18

What vanilla said. He sounds like my ex

Bluebellevergreen · 12/02/2017 08:18

Behaves not Because

HappyJanuary · 12/02/2017 08:21

I never say ltb on here, never, but I've been where you are now op and trust me you will be better off without this awful man.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong so it will happen again.

You will continue to lose friends and family as they struggle to be around him or understand your decision.

Your ds will learn how to be a man, and how to behave in a marriage, from him.

Get out now. He doesn't love, respect or cherish you like a husband should. He isn't on his knees with gratitude that you have forgiven him. Be strong and end it, there is a peaceful stress-free life on the other side.

londonrach · 12/02/2017 08:21

What vanilla says. He sounds vvvv dangerous. Keep records of everything. Find out womans aid number, change the locks and go to court as ds is not safe with him. Op remove the blindfold off your eyes please!

Sunbeam18 · 12/02/2017 08:22

I feel so sorry for you. Please find the strength to get away from this man. You have a lovely family who will support you, from the sound of things. This guy is toxic and will continue to ruin your life.

friendshipstruggle · 12/02/2017 08:23

He's not a nice man, you know this don't you? Please listen to the people around you and on this thread. He will have another affair at some point and you will go through this all again. Is that what you want? Because he's not sorry about doing it, he's sorry he got caught. There's a big difference. Going back after an affair can work if the person is genuinely sorry and willing to do everything possible to repair the relationship. This man is not.