Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

253 replies

Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 06:39

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MixedGrill · 12/02/2017 09:44

Where did he go when you were apart?

Who initiated the 'try again '?

It would be best if he could leave. Would he?

See a solicitor asap, then a finance advisor and see if you can buy him out.

You cannot stay with him. Not after what he said.

HappyAxolotl · 12/02/2017 09:44

Everything that the much wiser heads than mine have already said to you plus: If you think there is a fraction of a chance that he will follow through on his threat to turn up and kick off at the wedding, look into hiring security staff for the day.

IME people who make these kinds of big dramatic threats don't follow through, it's done to put you in fear that they might and make you more likely to acquiesce to their demands. It's the ones that don't tell you they're planning to do you over and how they're going to do it that you have to watch. BUT his previous antics re. your sister and her fiance suggest he might well do it, and at the end of the day if you (maybe the rest of your family could help?) can afford the money it is buying peace of mind. In some situations the cheapest way to pay is with money and this looks like one of them.

FriendofBill · 12/02/2017 09:46

Call him as usual to get DS.

Later give him a call and tell him not to come back.
Start to disentangle yourself from this toxic situation. He will not change!

VirgilsStaff · 12/02/2017 09:48

He sounds awful. You are doing all the emotional work in recovering after his affair. You don't need to stay with him, you know.

And if I were your sister, I wouldn't have invited him either. Sorry about that.

Hope you're OK Flowers

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 12/02/2017 09:49

The fact that your DSis invited him with no hesitation and yet he carried on being a cunt shows you exactly where your loyalties should lie. He sounds like an utter arsehole and you deserve better Flowers

If he's threatening to spoil the wedding, I'd maybe suggest to your sister to look into event security for hire - just extra piece of mind that even if he turns up, he'll be given short shrift.

GwenStaceyRocks · 12/02/2017 09:49

Your title really misrepresents the issues which shows you're in denial about what the problems are. He wasn't invited because your DSIS didn't know you were back together. She had every right not to invite him because of the affair or because he tried to ruin her relationship but that's not what happened.
End your relationship with him. It has nowhere to go except to get worse. A solicitor will be able to advise you on your rights regarding the house and the debts.
I'd tell your BIL-to-be about the threat to create a scene at the wedding and let him speak to your DP about it. Your DP is expecting you to worry, to keep it secret and to dread the wedding. Call his bluff.

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 12/02/2017 09:49

The fact that your DSis invited him with no hesitation and yet he carried on being a cunt shows you exactly where your loyalties should lie. He sounds like an utter arsehole and you deserve better Flowers

If he's threatening to spoil the wedding, I'd maybe suggest to your sister to look into event security for hire - just extra piece of mind that even if he turns up, he'll be given short shrift.

Splurgle · 12/02/2017 09:51

No wonder your family were disappointed you got back together with him, he sounds awful.
The affair he had is your escape from the nasty bastard.

thethoughtfox · 12/02/2017 09:55

Your husband is completely in the wrong. I can't believe how nice your sister is being by entertaining the idea of him coming. Your husband sounds like a bad man.

SecondsLeft · 12/02/2017 09:56

Be strong. You have the support of your family.

thethoughtfox · 12/02/2017 09:57

If you keep having circular arguments, you are not moving forward, I'm afraid.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 12/02/2017 09:58

Horrible man, showing his true colours. Bin him and be free of this carry on.

MixedGrill · 12/02/2017 09:59

Don't rise to the drama, or get involved in any more discussion about the wedding. Just get on and make plans to seperate.

Keep any references to any threats. Screen shot texts and record messages and keep a back up.

Things will be very different in 5 months time, but if he continues with threats go to the police.

No need for your DSis to lose deposits, send out more formal invites for a change of date / spend hundreds on security (who wants security presence at a wedding?), this is all rising to the drama.

Just look after yourself and your interests. Keep calm, keep firm, keep resolute.

VirgilsStaff · 12/02/2017 10:04

I don't want to pay him £50k when he has contributed nothing and I don't want to be left with £30k debt.

Get some initial legal advice - if you're not married (DP?) it might not be as bad as you think.

PollytheDolly · 12/02/2017 10:04

He has called me a c, told me I'm repulsive and disgusting, that the OW was better than me. I'm so hurt.*

Those that point the finger, have three fingers pointing back at themselves.

What an absolute arsehole. So will be so much happier without him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2017 10:12

For goodness' sake go and see a decent solicitor asap.
I'm not one, but I'm fairly sure that if you can demonstrate adequately that you've paid all the mortage for the last 7 years, then despite it being in joint names, that WILL be taken into account in terms of any equity that your OH might get.
The fact that you're NOT married also means it isn't necessarily a straight 50:50 split.

Also don't see why you should take on all the debt, quite honestly - but anyway - see a solicitor. Fast.

And then dump his sorry arse because he sounds DREADFUL.

HelenDenver · 12/02/2017 10:12

Another LTB.

PoorYorick · 12/02/2017 10:19

Your partner sounds like a complete turd.

user1471552546 · 12/02/2017 10:25

sorry love but he's not going to change cut your losses now 💐For you and hoping you find the strength to do what you know you must x

FurryLittleTwerp · 12/02/2017 10:27

"Those that point the finger, have three fingers pointing back at themselves."

Brilliant Polly - I love that!

You deserve much better Turn

Don't worry about his making a scene at the wedding. Most likely he actually wouldn't but you could have a couple of burly blokes on the door in case.

MsJamieFraser · 12/02/2017 10:29

You are well rid OP, now seek legal advice about the joint debt, and personally I would see it as a fresh start and move closer to your family where you have a support network.

He is apart of your ds's live, not yours, throw him out like the dead meat he is, he does not respect you at all, he does not deserve you.

Aworldofmyown · 12/02/2017 10:30

Get strong my love. Tell him its over. Be very clear. Seek legal advice and get this man out of your life.

Thefishtankneedswater · 12/02/2017 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thefishtankneedswater · 12/02/2017 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toptoe · 12/02/2017 10:40

2 things you need to google

  1. Sunken cost fallacy
  2. Financial abuse

Then get solicitor and visit CAB (Citizen's Advice Bureau).
No point flogging a dead (lazy, aggressive, cheating, verbally and financially abusive) horse. This is who he is and always will be. Unable to give two shits about anyone but himself.