DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

[Turntheheatingdown]

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

OP, have a serious think about why you're with him. He sounds awful, life is too short to be unhappy

Leave him. You and your child will be better off without him.
He sounds childish and selfish.

There is nothing good in this relationship or you or your son. Dump him.

I am so sorry for you. He sounds cruel and nasty and you need to get away from him. On the positive side, your family sound lovely and supportive and they will welcome your decision to get rid of him
I am sure.

You can't stay with someone due to fear of threats. There is no way of this working when he's not sorry and throwing his own awful behaviour back in your face.

Please leave him. It takes courage but you will be so much happier in the long run. This relationship isn't sustainable anyway. Don't let him dictate to you when it ends, after causing as much trouble and heartache as he can.

Gather your dignity, accept support from your family and sort out access arrangements for your ds; you can do this.

Very very best of luck. It sounds very tough.

Whether you stay with him or not and whether he is invited to the wedding or not, you are going to have a horrible fear of him kicking off and creating a huge scene in front of your family and friends and your young ds At your sister's wedding. That will not be the only time you have felt that awful on edge uneasy feeling. You cannot trust him. What a vile man.

Even if you do not leave him for yourself - leave him for the sake of your son.

How bad are you waiting for this to get, OP?

Your p sounds like my ex, pulled exactly all the same tricks. So aggressive and angry and manages to twist everything until you almost believe that you deseve it. You don't. No one does. You deserve so much better.
He is doing you a favour by showing you exactly what he is.

You and your son deserve better than him

How lucky he is showing his true colours! It is so easy and clear to see now that you are 100% better off without him.

Such a nasty man

I know, thats what I'm thinking. I used to think an affair would be my tipping point but now look where I am.

Financially I'm fine without him. I would have to pay him half the equity in the house so £50k. The thing is I pay for everything. Have done for 7 years. He is financially irresponsible and makes bad business decisions. House in joint names and we have £30k debt in our name because of his decisions (bailing out his company). Its probably a reason why I agreed to try again- I don't want to pay him £50k when he has contributed nothing and I don't want to be left with £30k debt.

But that isnt a reason to stay

Turntheheatingdown, your P is a horrible man with the potential to cause a lot of damage to you and your loved ones, especially your DS.

Please, please, please, get rid of this man and save you and yours from a lot of future suffering!

And please ask your DSis to change the venue or date of the wedding, because I have the niggling feeling he will try to ruin that wedding.

You wouldn't necessarily have to pay him half especially if your son stays with you so get legal advice on that.

Pay up and get rid. Are you actually married? If not, then you are in a stronger position. Please get legal advice and you might be pleasantly surprised.

£30k is better than a life of misery. Please leave him. You left him before for a reason, remember that.

Go see a SHL and find out what rights you have concerning keeping house and maintenance the get shot of the nasty narcissistic bastard. He is not sorry for his affair (saying the word doesn't mean he means it it's his actions you need to consider) narcs are never sorry the only person in their world they truly care about is themselves. Get shot then enjoy your sisters wedding in peace.

So not only does he disrespect you, set a bad example of how to treat people to your son, he's also a financial fool? I think you know what you need to do OP. 30k is pretty bad, but next year it could grow to 40k, the year after 50k... it sounds like you have a decent support network in your family so start to make some plans for a brighter future for yourself.

You'll be much happier and serene once you've left him, OP

I'm so sorry for all he's put you through

His equity wouldn't be 50%. More like 65:35 assuming you have the care of DS.
And if he's your partner not your husband you usually keep what is yours if you can prove you paid for it. Get legal advice. He's awful.

Get legal advice asap. He called you a cunt and said you are repulsive. There is no way back from here.

We are not married, thank god.

65% tk you as resident parent.

Staying isn't going to make it better. You're just prolonging the situation. At some point he will have another affair or his abuse will have escalated to a point you've decided is bad enough. Don't throw good money after bad to stay in a situation that is so bad in the first place. Go and get legal advice.

You're right the money is no reason to stay. for you op.
Like vanilla said the money is not worth a life time of misery, the amount will only increase too.

Your son and you would be better off without him in more ways than one. It is also not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Have you sought legal advice as yet re the property and finances?. Is your thought of having to pay him half the equity mere supposition?. Your reasons for trying again are simply not good enough, not even close to being anywhere near good enough. Do not get hooked further into the sunken costs fallacy; it will just cause you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.