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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

999 replies

Bant · 11/02/2017 19:43

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
RunnnyMummy · 14/02/2017 11:17

I've taken bant's advice and sent MrPhd another joke today.
The joke thing does seem to work as we've had another long exchange of texts.
He's agreed to date 2. We're still trying to find a time when we're both free.

Wingletang1 · 14/02/2017 11:19

It's all very exciting on here! Yes I had wondered what love bombing was too!

So I have date no 3 with mrchef tomorrow during the day, I'm on half term at mo. We are going for lunch then cinema! Smile Ive woken up with a cold though, so trying to dose myself up!! also have date 4 organised he is cooking me dinner week on next Sunday!! The food in his restaurant looks amazing! Not stalked his website at all!! Hmm.

I 46, 47 next week know what you mean about that age group!!

Blobby10 · 14/02/2017 11:46

RunnyMummy Our Mr PhDs sound very similar - meeting mine on Saturday morning (coffee only!) but Ive had to say where and when!

Dont know if anyone else has used it but theres a website called "Wheres Halfway" or something and it gives you the midway point between two addresses/towns and shows all the eateries/pubs/clubs etc availabile. Its going to be helpful!!

BernieBear · 14/02/2017 11:48

Great news Runnny and Wingle - have a great time.

So is "love bombing" where the date/iron/potential throws everything at you i.e. lovely texts, a daily phone call, great dates, talks about future dates, appears thoughtful and generally makes you feel valued and secure and then dumps you from a great height some weeks later???
If I'm right, this means that just as you get over the first date jitters/potential ghosting/shite messaging etc you then move onto even more potentially difficult decisions. Is this man just a genuinely nice person or a love bomber who is just out to mess with your mind?

I am so so confused now! Confused

RunnnyMummy · 14/02/2017 11:58

Blobby that website's great. I'll be using that to organise dates in the future.
If your MrPhd has just moved south from a northern town to do research for a large uni, then we have the same person! Hopefully not.

Bant · 14/02/2017 12:09

Surely it's DrPhd?

OP posts:
UpYerGansey · 14/02/2017 12:14

Nope bant
It's either Mr Xyz PhD or Dr Xyz

Blobby10 · 14/02/2017 12:20

RunnyMummy he doesn't sound the same but I will find out more on Saturday. Grin

bant wouldn't that make him "Doctor Doctor"!!! I will feel really old if no-one else can remember that song!!!

InfoSec21 · 14/02/2017 12:27

I bet loads of blokes are sending Happy Valentine's Day messages to women today as an easy attempt at making a connection!!!!

lastnicknamefree · 14/02/2017 13:58

I've had 2 now info one was welcome and appropriate, one wasn't Hmm

blobby you're a life saver! I absolutely need this in my life! CBG lives just over an hour away and my efforts at finding a pub half way was disastrous.

BernieBear its more than that. I think the stuff you've mentioned in the first part of your post, nice texts and a daily phone call, good dates is what you should expect and that alone isn't love bombing but generally decent behaviour. LB is a ramped up version so loads and loads of texts sent from the off, declarations of love early on and things like "never felt this way" etc and yes moving quickly on plans for the future, talk of marriage or living together or forever right off the batt and showering you with compliments. Before dumping or ghosting you abruptly.
Had it done before, often it's abusive men, not always.

InfoSec21 · 14/02/2017 15:09

With all the difficulty with this turf, does anyone ever have moments of thinking that they can't imagine themselves actually meeting someone and spending forever alone??!

Not in a doom and gloom way, just in a this seems to be reality way!!

RunnnyMummy · 14/02/2017 15:23

All the time info. I'll be happy if I ever have a second date. I'm just enjoying chatting and meeting new people. Anything else is a bonus.

Lovemusic33 · 14/02/2017 15:25

Info, I have kind of come to terms with spending life on my own, in a way the idea seems much less stressful than being in a relationship Grin, I'm not scared of being on my own as such, it would be nice to find someone to grow old with but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Mr mod did message me this morning to say 'happy valentines day', he is hoping to be home tomorrow so I might get to see him at some point this week (not getting my hopes up).

rememberthetime · 14/02/2017 15:39

Happy Valentines day everyone.

I think I made a mistake when i told Mr Overseas that I thought Valentines day was too commercial and that felt people should express their love every day. Because now I have no card or flowers...serves me right, really.

I sent him a link to a romantic song by a band we both like. (as he still lives with his ex I didn't want to send a card or flowers and it would really confuse his young children).

To be fair to him, I did get a message that acknowledged the day... Never mind its still early days, so not surprised he couldn't work out the right protocol. And i was dismissive of it (won't make that mistake again!).

Traumadoll1 · 14/02/2017 16:23

Well I had a lovely timed, he stayed and drove me back to the office, stopped and had a smooch like teenagers lol, just had a message saying 'I can't get enough of you" 😀

lastnicknamefree · 14/02/2017 16:47

remember so your iron mr overseas lives in Australia? AND is still living with his wife and their young children? Shock call me cynical but are you SURE your actually not just his OW??

trauma doll sounds like a nice date! What number was that?

rememberthetime · 14/02/2017 16:56

Last - don't worry i have some pretty good evidence that his marriage is over and his wife is aware of the situation. He lives in a separate part of the house and has done for several months and is looking to move out very soon. I realise it sounds strange and I can't really explain why - but i am very sure it is above board. But thank you for worrying!

Traumadoll1 · 14/02/2017 17:00

That was date three, seeing him again on Friday, bit worried about this love bombing thing? How do you tell if they're genuine?
Hade another message saying "I'm just buzzing thinking about you"

UpYerGansey · 14/02/2017 17:33

Trauma I think only time will tell. Keep an eye on things, but enjoy!!!

UpYerGansey · 14/02/2017 17:36

remember - I did the same thing re V-day, and for the same reason. But there is this sense of you're damned if you do and damned if you don't... Confused I hope he doesn't mind that I didn't send him anything but a rose emoji Smile but I'm genuinely not into Vday.

Ach he does lovely little things for me all the time for no particular reason. To me, that's the real deal.

InstinctivelyITry · 14/02/2017 20:09

Every good wish for your dates folks! I'm vicariously dating for now until things improve on the home front. Good news is ex has just signed a year lease on a rental property!! We're making progress 😄

stubbornstains · 14/02/2017 20:48

So, for Valentine's day, I got:

2 cards from DS2, one he made at the childminder's with heart stickers and scribble, one at playgroup with a paper plate cut into the shape of a heart with more scribble;

A very peculiar rose, randomly, from the kids we met up with today (they didn't get their mum anything, the little buggers)- it's from Tesco, and every petal is a different colour (how do they do that???). It was the last one in the shop, apparently, and looks like it's been sat on. I'm hoping it was reduced;

A rather squishy text from Mr Anarchist, about which I was inordinately pleased, because when we first met he was giving it all the "tough, cynical and arrogant" (as was I, TBH), and I am starting to realise that this is, in fact, all a facade, and that we are both squishy, insecure little bunnies with more baggage than Terminal 5 between us.

There's a lot more to write about this, but my fingers would probably fall off. Suffice it to say that it's largely going well, I'm pretty smittened, as I think he is but in a different way, I'm feeling fairly optimistic, but it is in no way in the bag yet.

I would insert some kind of heart emoticon here for you all, but it appears MN has been remiss. Thanks for you all instead xxx

OutToGetYou · 14/02/2017 22:44

What do we think about guys who send their email address in first contact? When I did OLD years ago this was a no-no, is it still?

I'm not interested in him anyway, but just in case it happens with someone more interesting!

Dieu · 14/02/2017 22:49

Hmmm, I'd be a bit wary, as it's likely to be an email address set up specifically for that purpose. Whereas I have only one personal email address, which I use for absolutely everything, so I'd be fairly discerning about who I gave it to.
So I guess I'd question why they do it, rather than just message through the site. For me, it's something you'd progress onto after a while, but not from first contact.
Maybe it's just me being cynical though!

OutToGetYou · 14/02/2017 22:51

Sites I've used before screened out email addresses and phone numbers from first messages.

Hmm.

I'm going to have to work on my 'sorry, not for me' responses now I think.