The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Bant its not just the females on POF who have "Dont have meet me so message me" in their profiles!! Loads of men do too.

Anyway after a very sparse couple of weeks for me on the messaging front I now have the following 'irons' -
Mr Date Man (RL)- went out with him once, still holding a torch for him but suspect its not reciprocated.
Mr Puffa Fish (OLD) - yes, looks like a puffa fish but meeting him for a drink on Thursday as he seems nice and we share a few interests - hes already messaging about how excited he is. I have a horrible feeling hes going to be very let down.
Mr PhD (OLD) - not the best message writer but wants to meet me preferably tomorrow (No Way!). I suggested coffee on Saturday morning and he replied OK so I presume thats a yes but I will have to say where and what time!

Mr Bonkers (OLD) - new to my list - had a brilliant exchange of messages with him yesterday - we share the same sense of humour and sarcastic 'wit'!
Mr Normal (OLD)- another newbie who started messaging yesterday - similar to Mr Bonkers but way more reserved!

there are 4 others that I'm chatting to but they seem happy to keep chatting rather than meeting up.

Any tips, hints, warnings or suggestions from you more seasoned OLD'ers??

blobby - I think info brought that up, not me :)

I haven't paid for Meet me, incidentally, but you can still see mutual meet me on there with a free account, I got chatting to a couple of the ones who'd mutually liked me. It's not a bugbear of mine though, when people say they haven't got it

(A bugbear of mine is women who describe themselves as a mummy. It immediately erases any thoughts of them as someone able to have an adult conversation, and have an existence separate from parenting. You use that word with your young children, not to men you may potentially want a relationship with. Mum, mother, parent, any of those are fine. Mummy though, yeuch)

Wow this has moved on fast! Great to catch up on everyone's news.

Fourth date last night and all went well, lots of snogging etc. He gave me flowers and a card for Valentines too, as I'm not able to see him on Tuesday (I am now spending my lunch desperately looking for an appropriate card). Date 5 is dinner and a "sleepover" at mine ( I have a five date rule!!! ).

Oh and we have both deleted our Tinder accounts.............

Tell you what I did last year for a lass I was chatting to from OLD. I don't think we'd met by that point but we're chatting loads. I'd already bought a VD card 'just in case'. So I wrote some little poems and stuff in there and made it out to her and sent her some photos of it. She thought it was cute, she liked it.

Bit soppy like but hey, we all like a bit soppy now and again don't we :)

Lots of interesting updates. I can't keep up.
I decided to give MrPhd the benefit of the doubt after he cancelled date 2. I texted today to ask how his ebola was doing. And said I had a joke about ebola I could share but I was a bit rude.
Thanks dieu. He came straight back asking what the joke was. And we've been messaging all morning.
So I'm almost sure now he's not a player and does want to see me again.

Well I got stood up sort of, was on my way to meet him and got message to say he had to pick his daughter up from school as she was sick
Sounds genuine in messages but I'm not convinced, had a gut feeling this morning he wasn't going to meet and lo and behold.
Not sure if I'm cynical or should get a grip,I feel really flat and disappointed now

blobby your irons sound very similar to mine. Hope they're not the same ones!
MrPhd - very bad at messages, only had one date but I had to choose time and venue
Mr 1hr date - he's more keen than me but doesn't want a relationship
Mr builder - has asked for a date but now on holiday
Mr bonkers - sends crazy messages, very funny
Mr artist - I'm trying to drop him but not sure how to. He's just a bit boring

The advice on here actually helped me with my RL situation. Sometimes you just need to hear it laid out to grasp it.

There was a comment saying it was weird we always chatted only in the office. This is important I think. It remains a safety net, still at work therefore not being out together. It keeps it within the boundaries of being at work.

I have had a bit of a light switch moment with regards to this situation and online dating. Someone taught me to play poker a few years ago and he said you can play two ways, you can play to what you hope will come up and you can play to what you actually have.

I think with OLD we all second guess what other people are thinking a lot instead of playing to what we actually know

So for this girl, I know she's already said no before and she always keeps it within work. That's enough knowledge to back off.

This would have worked for WG also. I second guessed a lot but she never messaged me first and this was enough information to know she wasn't interested.

I'm gonna start playing it all to the knowledge I have and stop guessing what people may be thinking :)

That sounds like a smart move Info

This thread has got so busy & interesting! Lots to read & catch up on! Hopefully will get a chance this evening.

I had date number two with Mr Norm on Sunday evening (yesterday) Date number one was Saturday.

This time Iwent to his part of the world we ate out again and then went back to his. More snogging that lead on to a chat about MB. We both agreed we were content and not interested in continuing to look chat & text with others on dating site.
A night of passion followed with several servings of MB. Finally got back home at lunchtime today.

Children and other commitments mean we won't see each other for just over a week.
He admitted to hating texting! I am.happy to occasionally text and talk whenever on the phone.
Sitting here smiling to myself.
Still a little paranoid though as a similar start a long time ago just slipped into nothing-ness with a nasty needless ghost by the guy.

Yay for you Bernie!!!!! I hope date 5 is epic

Aww thanks Mrsfluff - actually he text me earlier asking what I was doing at lunchtime and I said I was popping home to walk the dog, so he came for a walk too. So date 5 is now date 6!!
Whilst I'm all for spontaneity, when you've only been on dates when your hair is done to perfection and make up perfect, to suddenly be told that he would be seeing me without all that done was a bit of shock! Thankfully I managed to get home 10 minutes earlier to re- apply a bit of slap and put up the hair! Phew!

Hi all. Some very promising tales on here … delighted for you

Many thanks to those of you who were so kind when my date didn't happen last weekend. Was humbled to see folk asking after me … so thank you!

Turns out that he didn't get my text, in which I said I'd like to go, so it didn't happen. He did get in touch though (thinking that I no longer wanted to see him) to say that he really liked me, and wanted to see me when he got back from business.

Thing is, I'm bored. He has a lot on at the moment, and I have tried to be lovely and supportive potential girlfriend material, sending him fun wee texts of encouragement, etc. But we have only had 4 dates! It's easier to be that way when you're in a proper relationship, but it's such early days. I haven't seen him since 21 Jan, and although we text most days, it's not the same. We've had 4 dates in the 2 months since we met, and the lack of pace is seriously frustrating. I hinted at that in a text the other night, but he just made a joke of it. I wish he had pushed for next Saturday more, as I feel that seeing him then would have made the difference. He is away on business at the moment, and still no mention of when our next date will be.
My Match membership ran out a few weeks back, at which point I decided not to renew and go exclusive with him. I sort of regret it now, as I'm bored, lonely and unfulfilled!
I do like him, and it seems mutual, but it feels like it's going nowhere.
I am really trying NOT to act like a spoilt diva (ME ME ME!!) and it's not his fault he has stuff on, but this doesn't feel like fun. Shame, as I do like him and enjoy our dates.
I have tried to be lovely and not game play (a big step for me!), but have come to a conclusion.
Tomorrow (St. Val's) is going to be a deal breaker for me. If there is no card, or gesture, after all the waiting around I've been doing, then I will walk away. He just wouldn't be for me.
My heart absolutely sinks at the thought of going back to square 1 with all of this, but better to keep your standards high. Ish!

sorry, should be: pushed for last Saturday more

BernieBear your man sounds great! Sorry I don't know his "name" and Valentine's gifts from him too! I was married 16 years ago on 8th Feb. Our honeymoon Valentine's Day was kind of contrived and a bit romantic as we were on an all-inclusive holiday. Other the years I attempted romance all year and especially in Feb especially for our anniversary it was seldom returned!
'
I look forward to the future and hopefully some romance.

Hopefully my St Val's turning point thing doesn't sound too shallow

Should say ....over the years

Traumadoll1 ... err school? its half term

Dieu sounds like a similar situation to mine, I have only had 3 dates with Mr MOD (one where he stayed the night) over the past month, he says he's really keen, says he really likes me but surcomstances has meant he's been too busy to see me, I know it's not really his fault but I'm bored and lonely. We did agree to be exclusive but now I wish we hadn't. I'm not expecting anything tomorrow, he is with his dad who is dying so he probably hasn't even considered sending me anything, it's my birthday this week too but he wouldn't remember this. I'm going to spend tomorrow and my birthday with my dd's whilst working from home and just pretend it's not happening.

Goodness, I could have written that Lovemusic … at least until the part about his dad dying. That's really sad. Do you think you'll stick with it?

I'm annoyed that Mr T didn't chase me up last weekend, on not hearing from me (or at least not getting the text I sent). As I said, it would really have helped fill the gap between our dates. If he knew he had loads on over the next few weeks, and this was our last chance for a bit, then why not?

So, let's just see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully my approach isn't too demanding (I obviously haven't told him I'm expecting anything!), but a lack of thought (especially when I have tried to be thoughtful and considerate) would be a turn-off for me.

I think I'm preparing myself mentally to walk away.

My kids are in school - it's half term next week here.

info your post has really struck a chord with me, about working with the knowledge you have. Helpful when I'm with ding myself up about lack of responses from my iron...in my head I know he's just busy but my head interprets that as "going off me" when realistically I know for a fact it's not true (he's told me as much). I need to listen to what he tells me and not what my brain yaps on about!

Dieu, he is messaging me now, sounds like he's going through a tough time, his dad lives quite far away so he has had to travel to be with him, he's not that close to his family but felt he had to go. I'm trying to be patient with it all but finding it hard.

It's not half term here, he's been sending lovely messages all day, so who knows

Info - the only problem I have with that is I tend not to message first - at least not until a good couple of dates in. So lack of initiating messaging has no bearing on whether I am interested. I respond quicker if I am interested. Not saying this is right - but I am very nervous and not very good at making myself vulnerable to rejection. I just have to hope that a man I like doesn't get too caught up on that at first because otherwise I would never get a date.

I am not saying this is right. And being scared of being vulnerable may not make me the best candidate in the first place. Don't know. Just a different perspective.