The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

*out for a date

Bloody hell. I've been so hung up on Mr Married's marital status that I didn't realise how tall he is. He's just under a foot taller than me. Even allowing for the inevitable OLD lying (why do they do that?) he's still a lot taller than me.

What height gap do you all think is too ridiculous? I mean, neck strain. Neck strain!

Agree with SpringtimeSun about setting expectations.

Waiting for AintThatSomething's update. Hopefully it will be a good one.

A foot taller is fine, surely?

I am 5'7" so this never happens to me, but ex is 6'4" and it's fine.

I actually have two Tinder irons! Matched with another 5 - 5! - but can't cope with messaging them all. Now to keep them warm and move them into RL dates...

I have a coffee date for Wednesday afternoon with Mr Oasis he's my fav so I'm chuffed...

I'm just hoping the suspicious looking spots on my son aren't what I think they are.....

pringlecat I'm 5ft and one of my exs is 6'5. I'm one of those annoying short women that always goes for tall guys

itcuddles Didn't your neck hurt all the time with that height differential? I have vague memories of dating someone super tall some, ooh, 15 years ago and finding it a definite inconvenience. Still, I have my height in my profile just as he has his, so he must have noticed the difference too and not thought it an issue. I don't half overanalyse...

One guy messaged me at lunch time with a lame pick up line, followed by a slightly less lame line followed by a passive aggressive message (mere minutes later) about why I wasn't answering. Well, someone managed to rule himself out as an iron pretty quickly...

waving, I am finding the distance thing and not seeing him very often really hard. My past relationships have been pretty full from the start, I am one of those that just jumps in, I can't do that this time. I a having big issues with trust due to my ex cheating on me (and me having no idea what he was up too) so I am looking into every little thing. Last night he messaged me when he got home from work, I had a pretty stressful day and I tried to tell him about it but I didnt get much back, just 'OK', then he said he was going to bed as he was tired, this was at 10.30pm, on messenger this morning it says he was online until midnight so now I'm thinking 'why did he say he was going to bed when he was still awake until midnight, was he talking to someone else's?', it's just eating away at me all the time. I really like him, we get on really well when we are together, he seems honest, it's just me looking for things all the time , I am going to end up ruining things because of my trust issues and because I can't handle only seeing him once a week or once a fortnight.

LoveMusic, how far away is he? Is this his permanent location? To be honest I have avoided anyone who is not local to me as I don't want the pressure of that kind of relationship. I'm not willing to move and I don't expect them to.

As I'm in London I often match on Tinder with people who work in London but live some distance away. I'm not even willing to go down that road at the moment.

There are all sorts of reasons why he might have been on messenger later than planned. A friend may have messaged him and he got an alert for example. I don't think seeing someone more often would necessarily solve your trust issues. Have you had a conversation with him about being exclusive?

Good morning

My date went very well, nice food, jam night in pub was good, and then a double helping of very delicious MB, which I was totally not planning to do

Turns out, it is like riding a bike

Aint thats fab news!! You sound happy about it too!!! When are you seeing him again? x

Hope you'd shaved your pins Aint
Delighted it went well!

Gansey Thankfully I had done some gardening before I went.

Blobby maybe Thursday for round 2. Have a definite plan for an event in a couple of weeks (meeting a load of his friends) but will hopefully fit in another couple before that.

aint Whoop Whoop!

Regarding height, Mr Anarchist is 6'2". So was XP. I'm 5'7", and don't go for tall men . My ideal height in a man would be about 5'10"! It feels like a bit of a waste, because I know so many women actively go for six footers. The neck strain isn't too bad with this height differential, but I find that it makes it difficult to, er, "multitask" in bed, because my arms aren't quite long enough.

Things still going well with Mr Anarchist (God I'm the most boring poster on this thread, aren't I?). Well, when I say "well", I mean that I have very strong feelings for him and fancy him a lot, and he's obviously into me as well. He does, however, have a tendency to be pretty annoying though (annoying to me, anyway), so I'm spending half the time being all ridiculously fluffy and elated and half the time thinking "This isn't going to last". This is a bit weird, actually - I went into OLD looking for a bit of harmless sex fun, and appear to have landed in something a bit more complex.

Also, he confessed to me at the weekend that he's "feeling broody". At the age of 52 . No kids. As someone who struggled to find someone to have children with (and, for no.2, struggled to actually conceive), I'm feeling a whole wave of second hand pain with this one. Because I'm not having any more children. So, again, part of me is wondering whether to cut him loose to give him the chance to find someone to breed with (if he could find that person, which at his age wouldn't be a given).

But anyhoo, he's promising to do something nice for my birthday in a week's time, which means that whatever happens I'll have to enjoy the ride for a little bit yet!

Assuming that most of us on here aren't in the first flush of youth, (actually I'm getting the first flushes of my second youth but thats another thread!!) and we all have other commitments in our lives, how long is too long between 'dates' (with the same person) before you call a halt?

I've seen Mr Bonkers twice now - first date a week last Saturday, second date last Friday, lots of texting and occasional phone call in between. BUT this coming weekend I'm seeing my son (whose birthday is on Thursday. ) in London on Saturday and making a cake for him Friday night. Sunday I have other commitments. So it will two weeks before we get to a possible date 3 - I'm already out for a friends 50th on the Friday and with friends watching rugby on Saturday afternoon - not sure I want to plan anything for the Saturday night! Its not looking good on the enthusiasm front from me is it?!! Should I end it now?

Blobby - why not do a weeknight date? it doesn't have to be the weekend - or do you have other commitments during the week?

aintThat What a great evening for you

lovemusic I had the same trust issues with the guy I was seeing last year. Didn't matter how often I saw him, I was always suspicious of him. Turned out I was right. Not saying that's the case with you.
Are you sure you really want to continue seeing him? He doesn't sound like he's the right person for you.

Blobby do you want to see him again? Can't you just explain why you're busy but make sure you keep talking in between.

remember I have a commitment on a Wednesday and occasionally meetings other nights but its me who doesn't want to go out! Maybe once the clocks change...................................!

Runny I really enjoyed the time we spent together (apart from the massive red flag of him licking his knife which means we can NEVER be together forever!!! - (only slightly tongue in cheek there [blush) )). But I dont spend the rest of the time longing for his company or wanting to speak to him - happy to message but no real desire to put any more effort in!

Lovemusic33 Sorry to hear how you're feeling, but it's positive you recognise much of this is your problem to work through rather than being of the new bloke's creation. Self-awareness helps us heal and move on.

Pavonia I sometimes wonder if I'm too fussy with geography. Saw a profile the other day that sounded like a good match, but he was based in Reading.

AintThatSomething So pleased the MBs were good.

stubbornstains Oh, god. Multitasking. Hadn't thought of that.

I think I would share the same feelings as you re him being broody.

Blobby10 I wouldn't call it a day due to one person being too busy, I would call it a day due to one person being too busy and not being sad/impatient about having to wait.

pringlecat i think thats where my thoughts were heading - but wanted other opinions in case its a case of "its only the 2nd/3rd date what are you expecting" scenario!!

Lovemusic my last relationship was like this, but with me being the bloke. We were together for 18 months and lived 2hrs apart.

She needed the constant assurance and attention, which meant living on my phone all the time and I found that hard. She wanted to be on phone calls all the time and constantly messaging, with loads of affection in the messages.

She got to the point of asking me why I was showing as green on Facebook if I hadn't replied to her message, what was I doing on there etc. As someone who is genuinely innocent and would never do anything bad like that, I found this hard to live with. I understood her feelings and her needs but just hard to deal with.

Lovemusic I feel similar to you and am in a similar situation. My guy wasn't working at the start and the comms were very frequent and constant and I liked that. Now he's got a job and it's reduced. I did ask him (by what's app) what's happening and he said he's just swamped at work and he'll message more later on. (Mind you, he's also told me he's a workaholic which I'm not keen on).

I appreciate that, like you, the need for a lot of communication is my issue not his (he's been very keen!) but still, I'm not sure I'm willing to have a long distance relationship without a lot of messaging in between.

I'm seeing another guy tonight and am speaking to lots of others. I still really like guy 1 but part of me thinks it's worth holding out for someone who ticks all my boxes.

I'm just thinking about the "communication" issue, as in messaging phoning etc. I can't help thinking that in the early days of relationship doing this constantly is a bit false. At this stage you are getting to know someone, they aren't yet an important part of your life, however interested in them and excited about the relationship you are.

Waving if this is not even an exclusive relationship yet, I don't understand why constant contact is required.

Pringle how far from Reading are you?

Stubborn Is the broody comment meant to be some kind of warning to you? Maybe he is just being honest and facing up to the fact that he's left it too late.

no I know Pavonia. As I said, it's my issue. But also it's because there was constant contact which I got used to and it's now dropped off.

Anyway, I'm trying to relax a little bit!

I agree Pavonia - what can you find to say to someone you don't yet know that well? I find constant messaging stressful. I don't mind a barrage of messages for a half hour or so but throughout the day would drive me mad.