The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Possiblymaybeprobablynot Lots aren't? Really? I assumed those who weren't using Tinder as a hook up app were in the minority. I know one bloke from real life who looks for proper dates on there, but all the other blokes I know are just after a shag.

(Sometimes it's awful being the sort of woman who gets on better with men - the stories they share can be really off-putting.)

Pringle "got two messages from two very different men who I don't find attractive in the least. And as we've all learned from bitter experience, people look less attractive in real life than their OLD photos."

Well, guy I met today said I was more attractive in real life :) And, actually, I find most people more attractive when they are animated.

"I can't decide if I'm just a horrible person, far too picky or I'm looking for an excuse to never go on a date again."

Yes, same. Hey ho, I am just horrible (message just now from a smoker, no way would I ever go on even one date with a smoker).

"Thoughts on separated? I mean, that's still married, isn't it?"

I still live with my ex! Though we weren't married. I don't mention it in the profile, as far as I am concerned I am single. But I understand people's reservations. I'd need a good long chat before I took things very far - the ex was separated when I met him, and it took a good few more years before they were divorced, and actually, it was too complicated and I shouldn't have got into a relationship with him.

Afternoon tea date was nice enough, but not for me. He's a bit old fashioned, doesn't like selfies (not saying people should 'like' them, just he ranted on about this for a while, one example of being old fashioned), not much get up and go. Gets free holidays from work but has decided not to take it up this year and just stay with his sister in Southend

Now need to text him 'thanks but no thanks'. I have leeway on time because I told him I have no phone signal, at home (true, 90% of the time).

pringle - maybe I am still just hopeful and naive about tinder!!

Maybe also wishful thinking as I reckon there are more cute guys on tinder than other apps/sites 😅

OutToGetYou I hate selfies. I'll have him if he's cute.

Possiblymaybeprobablynot I will be waiting for your Tinder success story.

Selfies are just photos of yourself. All my profile pics are selfies, what else are they going to be?
He also doesn't understand when/why phones stopped being something you just phone someone on. Honestly, stuck in the 90s. And, no, not cute at all.

It's the digital age, best to grasp it and be part of it than try and fight it off.

Modern devices are extremely useful in so many ways. If he wants to keep an old phone and miss out, that's his loss!

Hi everyone

So, as some of you will know, I ended it with Mr T last weekend, but have been giving myself a hard time since then, wondering agonising if I've done the right thing.
I was bored tonight and on impulse, put his dating username into Google. We had met on Match, but he appeared on 2 other dating sites! Pretty sure I asked him on Date 1 if he was on any other sites, as it's a good conversation topic, and he said no.
The first one was a site for meeting 'big, beautiful' women and the other was for meeting African women (we're both white).
Now there's nothing wrong with setting your preferences to black or big women on a mainstream dating site, but I find it a bit weird to join dating sites specifically for those criteria.
Maybe it's just me though ….
I need to stop obsessing and get back on the saddle. If only there was a site only for lovely, normal, attractive folk
Think I'll also get my fat arse on a diet, as I'm now wondering if Mr T fancied me so much because I'm curvy overweight !!

hello everyone. Can I re-join you?

lovemusic I've been in a similar situation to you (including having a relationship that ended just before Christmas) seeing someone who lives a little bit away. He doesn't actually make time to visit me very often though and I think has too much on his plate at the moment, so I've decided in the meantime to get back online.

Have a date tomorrow night with a guy from OKC. we've been chatting loads but I worry about his relationship history (never married, a string of 2 year relationships) -still he lives close to me, seems fanciable and isn't weird like lots of people on OKC.

Have a few more irons lined up too, but not much time to see them! I'm chatting to someone on Bumble that I really like the look of (let's call him MrBicycle) - and wouldn't mind seeing him soon.

It's taken me a little time to get here, but I'm very excited to be dating again!

Info - he did have a modern phone though. He had downloaded a photo of me from POF and analysed it and showed it to me and what he had (thought he had) seen in it.
He just like a grumpy old man rant. Yawn.

Separated but still living together is so common these days due to finances usually. You need to judge each case on its merits.

I separated from my husband about 2 months before moving out - but would never have started dating or even looking while still living with him. it would feel very wrong to me.

Mr Overseas still lives in the family home - but in a separate part of it. He doesn't eat with his wife and they only do things as a family when it involves the kids. He is well and truly separated emotionally in my opinion, but i feel it is his choice as to when he makes that official by moving out.

Luckily I am not there as that might complicate things further. But overall i am not bothered by it.

I've been having fun with Tinder. I joined yesterday then had a mad swiping spree. If I matched then I messaged them straight away as I figured they had only just been on the app swiping so there was a good chance they were interested.
I just sent a casual 'how are you. Hope you're having a good day' message.
Out of six matches all except one replied. And I've exchanged numbers with 3 of them. One has unmatched me, probably cos I didn't reply to his message he sent at midnight.
The other one I did chat with last night but he was hard work.
I still have 4 more matches that I haven't messaged. Plus a super-like.
I think timing is the key. Sunday afternoon/evening when people are a bit bored.

I've been having fun with Tinder. I joined yesterday then had a mad swiping spree. If I matched then I messaged them straight away as I figured they had only just been on the app swiping so there was a good chance they were interested.
I just sent a casual 'how are you. Hope you're having a good day' message.
Out of six matches all except one replied. And I've exchanged numbers with 3 of them. One has unmatched me, probably cos I didn't reply to his message he sent at midnight.
The other one I did chat with last night but he was hard work.
I still have 4 more matches that I haven't messaged. Plus a super-like.
I think timing is the key. Sunday afternoon/evening when people are a bit bored.

Go you RunnyMummy hope you get some lovely dates from your swiping.

I had a good messaging day yesterday too. 2 from Tinder and 2 from Bumble. And all of them are suitably tall enough!!! Yay.

1st one from Tinder is only in my area for work, lives 7hrs away!! So never going anywhere but we had a fun day with random chat.

2nd one from Tinder looks promising Mr Oasis I think. We've moved to whatsapp and chatted all day yesterday. Seems we're looking for the same thing but I'm mindful of the rules so will see. Date looks very likely if we can find time.

Bumble 1 Mr Direct something about him just doesn't seem right but i don't know why. I'm intrigued tho so I'm going with the chat for now but I'm not bothered if it doesn't go anywhere.

Bumble 2 Mr Tall finally lol. Chatted all day yesterday and he was back early this morning. Think a date is on the cards here too.

Plus Mr Buff with the super hot Snapchats. Can't decide what's going on there but it's fun for now.

Been a busy little Bumble bee....lol.

pringle - just to pick up on your three dates then ghosting nightmare. I had one of those about this time last year. I found it disproportionately devastating. Went to ground for a couple of months. Actually much harder for me to move on from that than the two months lovely one that just ended. I think that was because it had no 'end' so it was very hard for me to get my head round it and it felt so personal for some reason - like I was so bad I wasn't even worth saying good bye to? Looking back now I can see it was his issues and nothing to do with me. I have also come to peace with the fact that I can't protect myself from that in the future - particularly in the online world - but now I have coped with it once I know I can cope with it again so I am not so scared anymore.

I'm still living with my ex. It's a far from ideal situation, but we are up to our arses in debt - plain and simple. Someone would have to live in a grotty bedsit. We lead independent lives. Ex knows I'm seeing someone, he might be doing that too, I don't ask. It's not my business.
MrBright has known about this from the get-go and it doesn't seem to phase him. He knows I am "single" because a) he trusts me and vice versa b) he messages me etc late at night and he knows I'm alone in my bed, in my own room c) I've gone away for weekends/booked a holiday together with him and so on. These things would hardly be possible if I was stringing a marriage of some kind along.
So, no, it's a far from ideal situation, but until things improve financially, there's not a lot we can do and neither ex nor I will create a situation that would impinge on the children financially - things are tight enough as it is without trying to pay for another household. And we get on fine.

Thanks, everyone. It is good to share experiences.

Mr Married sounds relatively normal so I've asked him about the separation. If he is normal and genuinely emotionally available, it's not an unfair question.

If he's not emotionally available... next!

Hello, I'm new. Still living with ex and joined Tinder and Match on Friday to get over a totally inappropriate crush I have on a much younger man.

Anyway! Got chatting to a guy on Tinder on Friday night. I was a bit drunk, talking bollocks, and we got on well. Then he messaged me the next day, asking about my hangover and asked me out for a date in the sweetest way. We can't meet until Friday and I said I'd be in touch with a venue. Is it normal to just leave the chatting until meeting up? I don't really like constant texting, I find it stressful.

I'm going to whatsapp him on Wednesday with a venue for drinks and see if he's still interested.

Hi Magnum everyone's way of using text messaging is different. I like a pattern to mine, if I know it's everyday then that's fine or every other day then that's fine too.

There would be nothing wrong with you saying 'I'll be in touch later in the week to confirm the details and we can chat more then' at least then you've set his expectations.

Be careful not to leave arranging the date until too late though. If he is sat waiting and hasn't heard anything from you, he might just arrange something else.

I would offer a specific day you will come back with the date details.

Loads of posts today, I will catch up later.

I have date 2 with Mr Band tonight, I'm really nervous as I like him and we have been chatting for ages

Dinner first and then an open mic night in a pub. I'm driving,so no helpful dutch courage throughout....

Thanks Springtime and Remember

Yeah, maybe I'll get back to him tomorrow instead. We set a vague time, it's just he said I should pick the venue.

I'd like to know what was the sweet way of asking for a date!

Info - have you got someone you want to ask??

I would say something like "It would be lovely to meet you. If you would like that?" then if she comes back with a positive you need to move quick and set up a time.

I would rather this approach than than one of these fancy ways of asking.

Nobody to ask no, was just curious what the method was. :)

Info, realising I had a hangover, he said that while my head was fuzzy and my judgement impaired he'd take the opportunity to ask me for out for a date. He said other stuff as well but that was the jist of it. It was nice.