The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Ok hold my hand - putting my toe back into OLD. had a hilarious first date last week with a cute cute cute guy who just happened to still be living with his ex wife, children and his mother. So cute. But clearly a no. He said he just wants someone to hug. I had to physically restrain myself. He can hug his wife!

Runnny, that guy sounds bonkers darling. Glad you're going to give him the swerve.

Rock, welcome along it's great to have the insight of another guy in here. Not just for the lasses, but I'd love to hear your experiences along the way of how this goes for you.

Popcorn, tinder messaging. I find it hard on there as it's a photo game isn't it. A lot of people say very little in their profile. Which means an opening message is pretty much left to a 'hey there's which is the OLD equivalent of going into a flash cocktail bar and asking for 'a nice cup of tea'.

Bless the guy who needs someone to hug. I'd have given him a hug but I can understand why you didn't!!

Rock mentioned female friends, I have no luck with female friends at all. Well, more like I have no luck with their partners actually. That probably needs more explanation!!

last - i had that recently. I ended up making a comment about him being a gentleman and he took it as a bit of a challenge and went all out to prove me wrong!

Fifteen mins early for my tea date, so waiting in car not to look overly keen. No sign of him, he's probably doing the same :)

Info maybe you should try the Mushroom line on Tinder if you don't like the 'Hey there' going by the quick straw poll on here a few a us woman would go for it.
You've nothing to lose by trying it.

Ha ha, I'm not keen on that line tbh, it's an old joke and a bit cheesy!!

If someone messaged back and said old cheesy joke, I'd feel inclined to say well I agree. Got to be yourself innit, don't wanna imitate others :)

But at least they had messaged back....

You could go from there "yes, I agree but you replied and now we can share more bad jokes" or something similar!!

A guy off tinder messaged me with a really bad cheese joke. We dated for a while - it made me laugh and he admitted afterwards he is not a fan of bad jokes but seemed a good way to break the ice of the hard first message!

He ended up dumping me by telling me he had been dating another woman who had "edged ahead" of me. But that does not detract from the fact that the bad cheese joke meant I initially messaged him back.

I could give it a go, worst case it doesn't work :)

Unhid my profile on POF, did a little looking around and got two messages from two very different men who I don't find attractive in the least. And as we've all learned from bitter experience, people look less attractive in real life than their OLD photos.

One of them sent me a short message that made me actually LOL in real life. And yet I still don't want to return the message.

I can't decide if I'm just a horrible person, far too picky or I'm looking for an excuse to never go on a date again.

Ooh. Thoughts on separated? I mean, that's still married, isn't it?

Would you?

pringle - separated is too complicated for me. I guess if it's just a matter of paperwork maybe...but my number one aim now is a guy who is emotionally available and that doesn't seem to be possible if the marriage is still alive in any form. I am dating with a mostly clean slate and have decided I want the same from the man. Spend my life looking for obvious red flags. Seems a bit silly for me to ignore the biggest one of all!

I'm separated but dating. I'm in no way emotionally unavailable because of it and my marriage is dead as a dodo but I have to wait a year to divorce. I'm not going to sit at home bored because I'm not yet divorced tho.
I guess it depends on individual circumstances.
I would be scared for any woman dating my ex tho

Same here springtime

I've decided to come off POF for a while and try Bumble and Tinder.
I've had a few matches. One just wants to discuss the court arrangements for seeing his daughter .
Another gave me his number straight away so we can exchange naughty messages - no idea why he thinks I might want to do that.
And the last one is just interested in a nice chat and maybe meeting for coffee sometime.

How do you do it runny? No one I match with on Tinder ever messages me, or even replies

popcorn how many do you message 1st? Do you mix up your opening message if something isn't working?

Possiblymaybeprobablynot When I broke up with my significant ex, it was pretty much like going through through a divorce minus the paperwork. Took ages to sort too.

SpringtimeSun UpYerGansey Isn't it 2 years for a no-fault divorce?

If it was a really long marriage, the first 2 years afterwards might still be messy. I know it took me a long time to get my head together.

Mr Married may or may not still be into his wife, but in his favour, he sent me a real first message that meant something, as opposed to the one that I've just got from some guy that actually begins "Watup". It doesn't get any more deep or meaningful after that either...

RunnnyMummy I would be interested to hear how you get on with Tinder. It's the one app I've been too scared to try.

I always send the first message. I try and comment on something in their profile. I'm always lighthearted and try to put in a bit of humour too. Sometimes I compliment them on one of their photos. Nothing heavy, just nice tattoos/hat/car. Nada. Nought. Nowt. Nothing. Zilch.

Not generalising - the separated guy I went on date with had only separated three months ago.

Reckon I would struggle too if I dated someone who had a significant ex that was not too long ago. I was with someone for nine years and think it took me about a year before I was properly in the right place to be sure I was ready to move on. Dated a guy for six months almost straight away and I know I carried a lot of issues with the old relationship into the new one.

Don't know - feel like I am in the dark on how to find a good one! Keep trying different things.

Sat next to a guy on the tube the other day - he was catching up on his dating correspondence - literally texting about ten girls with the same good morning message. Hard to keep the faith! Am now worried that I am just one of many girls any potential iron is texting first thing in the morning.

But am also feeling a bit down as a guy I really liked ended things a couple of weeks ago after two months of loveliness. Think when that has faded a bit I will be back on track feeling hopeful!!

Possiblymaybeprobablynot Oh, no. The separated guy is the most interesting one I've spoken to in a long time - he can write real sentences! I might ask him how long ago he separated. It's worth an ask - might be closer to 2 years than 2 month. I'm not invested.

I will not invest, I will not invest, I will not invest. Not making that mistake again!

I frequently think we are one of many, especially when we're dating in a big city. I think we just have to not take it personally until/unless it gets to a point where it feels wrong (e.g. lots of first dates OK, juggling lots of ongoing dates not).

Re tinder - I have had lots of dates but nothing has come from it. I think it can work but you need to be prepared to move on when you meet a guy who thinks of it as a hook up app. Lots of guys aren't and they will also be on the other dating sites.

I used to have just photos and no profile. Met lots of players! Have now put in my profile that they should get in touch if they are up for more than just fun. Don't get as many matches but reckon that's a good thing. Quality not quantity etc. I like it as it is a v easy app and know people who met serious partners through it. But do it hand in hand with other sites as well.

pringle yes ask! I am spectacularly bad at asking questions but always encouraging others to take brave steps! i think we can all sense emotional availability though - just hard to accept it if we feel it but like the iron in question. He might be two years in to the separation and ready to move on. And please please please help me not take things personally and over invest!! You can be a shining light...

Possiblymaybeprobablynot I over invested with a guy I went on three dates with and it's taken me until now to speak to someone else. I can't even remember how long it took - I think that was before Christmas, so a good few months. We can but learn from our mistakes.

This guy is interesting to talk to so far. If it turns out though he separated recently, I'll move on, because you do not get over a long term relationship in such a short space of time. I feel like I am finally ready to walk away from the emotionally unavailable ones.

(Saying is so much easier than doing...)