The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Once I would be wary of Mr Puppy, he's probably right and he might bring you down when he hits the bottle. I would keep your options open, how old is Mr oils children? I feel the same as you after my last relationship and I don't want someone with young children but I can cope with older children (teenagers-Young adults).

Love MrOil's kids are two teens and a four year old. I'm not keen on that, but he is very nice. All I can think is he's away a lot, and when back, sharing with existing family. It might be fine for a few nights out etc but not for long term, I think. I have my dcs all the time and I kind of don't want for me and them to have to share or blend again. It just didn't work last time. It's not for me

Rock - nice to have another male voice on this thread. Now - Bumble. I consider myself a Bumble expert as it is the only dating app I have used and I have had good success.
My partner who I met on Bumble extended the 24 hours by another day and it was that one action that made me message him back.
It was flattering and made me feel good about myself. it showed he was really keen and not just right swiping everyone.
I know you can only extend once per day - but do try to do it if you really want them to message back - it might do the trick.

Once - I am worried about the sound of Mr Puppy too. Someone who goes on a bender and that means he can't get in touch for two weeks has a problem. I wouldn't want anything to do with it. Especially given your own history. It can only lead to bad things.

Loo update, on my date with mr brawn and expected a playboy to be honest but he's not that and it's thrown me a bit! Honestly if he's not there when I get back I won't be bothered but conversation is ok so giving it a go! Why is dating so hard!!!!

Not a fan of POF because my cheating ex is on there and I don't want him to see me. Does anyone know if I can just block him straight away, or does there have to be contact?

And hello to rock - think it's all doing us a lot of good to have a mixed thread on the complex world of OLD. remember I've got three hours left to message on Bumble, can't think what to say! Definitely feel more pressure than on Tinder. He looks way out of my league so think he's just in it to see how successful he can be with an - ahem - older woman. Don't want to make a fool of myself

Popcorn, nobody is out of your league.

A post from Bant resonated with me a lot and really confirmed my decision to leave POF. I thought it was a fantastic insight regarding furniture. I'm sure I'm seen as part of the furniture in my area as I know I see a lot on there as that myself.

Time away from it will definitely help :)

Don't leave us though, info I can see the benefits of having a break, but please stay with us. You're insight, as well as that of bant has been both useful and interesting. And thank you

Arghhh - *your

Yeah I will deffo stick around, too many nice people in here to vanish from :)

I honestly believe that about leagues though. Everyone likes what they like and what's to say that the ridiculously fit guy from the gym wouldn't like you.

I could cane the gym and get ripped like a god but it doesn't mean what floats my boat would change.

Had my dinner date with Mr Build last night. We got on well and chatted about anything and everything. Spent about 4hrs but didn't feel like that long. I wouldn't say there were sparks but I enjoyed his company.
But (I know this makes me look really bad) he has a physical disability, that he told me about before. However it was much worse than I expected. I kept thinking 'how would mooseburgers work' .
He messaged me after he got home saying he had a great time and would like to see me again. I don't know what to do. I liked his company but the physical problems did put me off.

I have coffee with Mr Chef this morning. He sent a topless photo of him flexing his muscles, so I'm quite keen to meet him

runnymummy glad your date went well, don't feel bad about having have to be honest with yourself and him. If you weren't feeling it then that's ok! Maybe see how this mornings date goes then decide if you want to see either again jus to be sure

So I have a question for the guys of the thread (although happy for anyone to offer opinions) bant info rock
How would/do you feel about the woman making the first move physically?
I'm on another date Wednesday with CBG and it's been going really well so far, lots of kissing on our dates but that was initially instigated by myself as he's super shy and a little awkward.
I'm going to his place this week and there will be an opportunity to take things further which I'd like to but I'm pretty certain he won't make the move because he's not confident enough and very polite. Pretty sure he'd be happy to move into that area but is it poor taste for the woman to jump the guy? Is it emasculating or hot? Should I be more patient and wait for him to be less shy around me and feel confident to make the move himself probably Christmas or would it actually be helpful if I suggest it? Guys of the thread please advise from a mans POV, I can be a little bossy/feisty myself and trying to tone it down a little!

last , I'm not sure what this says about my sense of humour but when I read your post all that went through my head was the part in National Lampoons Animal House where the devil appears on the guys shoulder and launches into a tirade about what to do to the girl who's just passed out on his bed !

It's a tricky one. I've actually had an experience where after three dates I wasn't feeling any real spark for a lady. We'd kissed, had fun on dates etc... but it just wasn't there for me. When I told her I didn't want to take it further because there wasn't any spark her response was "well if you'd fucked me there would have been" ! That's the point where I went from waiting a few dates no matter what to "you never know the right time so go with what feels right" camp...

If you feel ready ( sounds like you're pretty ready ! ), go for it. Personally I would find it really sexy and a real vote of confidence that you wanted to progress it. It's happened to me once or twice and I've always been pleasantly surprised. Definitely not poor taste. As many female posters have said on mumsnet "It's 2017" Maybe don't discuss it prior as if he's feeling pressured then that might increase the sense of pressure, but just go with the flow. Once the kissing starts, these things have a certain rhythm to them and you can then just go with the moment and only stop if he really makes it clear he doesn't want to further.

If he doesn't react positively, at least you'll be armed with the knowledge that maybe there is something else there you need to consider about him.

Hope that helps. Had my train of thoughts disrupted by demands for breakfast ( my little angel !!! ) so might be a little disjointed... Good luck !

Ok - well I made the first move on my Mr Overseas and he loved it. I would still be waiting if I hadn't because he was incredibly polite too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the woman making that initial move and you will know if it is the right time.

I'm female and I would say just got for it, if you're in the place where things are moving along nicely and you want to 'go there', just make a move and see how he responds. Nothing to lose IMO. If he doesn't want to take it further, at least you will find out sooner rather than later

Thanks rock that's really helpful! So good to have a few guys in this thread now and get the other side of perspective

I made the first move on mine and it went very well

I would love that situation. If I wasn't sure when to make that move and she made it first, that would be so so cool!!

He could well be a gentleman and holding back so as not to make you feel like that's all he's looking for. Us blokes do have a bad rep for having our brains in our pants. Not sure why, we're all so innocent :)

So after the nice but no chemistry dates and not seeing my hot body iron I've signed up to Bumble. I have no problem sending a first message so I thought it might suit me.

So far this morning I've got 2 new chats going on there and I've sent a 3rd opening message. Plus a new chat on Tinder and another 1st message on there. I'm playing the numbers game lol.

Thanks info !

bant info and rock - if you matched with someone on Tinder would you only make the first move if you were interested? I make all the first moves and only once has anything come of it. I'm assuming that no talk = no interest and I was just a lucky swipe. Or a mistake!

last I would just go for it!

I met Mr Chef for coffee - never again, thanks! He called me darling about 10 times in the first 30 seconds. Talked really, really, really fast all about himself for an hour. I just sat there looking pretty, smiling and nodding occasionally.

I've decided to meet Mr Build again. We did get on really well although I wasn't really feeling like I wanted to make the first move with him. He definitely under played his disability when he described it too me. So expectations vs reality was quite different.

Popcorn

I always message if I swipe and it makes a match... I'll only swipe right if I'm interested ( I understand there is an impression that men swipe right to every profile... I can honestly say that I don't do that ). Okay, sometimes when drunk tindering I've swiped right on a profile I might not have done when sober... I think that's the equivalent of virtual beer goggles !

Some people have Tinder etiquette on their profiles "if I swipe and we match, then I'll message you. If you swipe and we match, then you message first". Seems really sensible to me.

I do kind of miss the fun of just going out and talking to people in a bar. Mostly my male friends are married, so we don't really do those sort of nights, and when I go out with my female friends I'm normally more interested in catching up with them...

I feel the need to restart salsa again. It used to be something that my ex and I really enjoyed together so it's been hard to contemplate going solo or with someone else !

Rock salsa sounds like a great way to get out and meet people, if you're in a location that would offer enough opportunities maybe start a new class so it's not the same as the old one.