The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

LM - I agree, it hurts, because rejection always does, but it's his situation that's causing him to withdraw, not your fault here.

And he wasn't making you happy.

Now you can tinder and find someone better

love sorry to hear that. You tried your best for him in a very difficult situation.
Rejection is hard to take even if it's for the best.

So, I have been chatting to Mr Tall for a couple of days. He has been sending really lovely lengthy replies. He must be spending about an hour on them. We have loads in common. I am tempted to suggest we either swap numbers or meet for coffee as it would be easier than all this typing! Is it too soon? Is it too forward? Should I wait for him to suggest it? He is lovely. And I don't want to do something to scare him off. Help!

TomHardys Do it. If he just wants a pen pal better to know about it now. There is much danger of over investing if you continue with these lengthy exchanges, he may be different in person. If he scared off by an invitation to meet for coffee then do you want him?

Pavonia - that is a good point, thanks. The writing and receiving of messages is fine, but not sustainable. OK, I will suggest coffee. I have nothing to lose.

Lots of dates going well which is good to see.

Don't give up yet Info, you come across as lovely so I am sure it won't be long before someone realises that.

Well my ex turned up on Valentines night with flowers etc and wants to make a go of things again. Just not sure what to do so I thought I would ask you lovely people for advice. We've only been dating 5 months but I have known him for over 20 years and been good friends the last 5 years or so. Think I am clinging on to something that isn't really working out as pathetically I don't want to be on my own. Tempted to stay as he can be supportive and treats me well but on the downside can be very needy and moody to the point that I feel like he is my 4th child! He didn't try very hard to get on with my family or best friend at Xmas which is a bit of a deal breaker as I am part of a big family and we are close. Not sure what to do

Thank you for that and don't take second best for yourself. Being in a relationship that doesn't work for you isn't better than being single.

If you were with this guy again and someone better came along, would you stay where you were or move on?

Oh, so sorry love. But he hadn't made you feel happy for a while, had he?

zany Hmmm...it looks like you thought long and hard before ending things the first time, and had good reasons for doing so. Is a bunch of flowers really going to change that?

As for me, well, Mr Anarchist came over last night, and I wasn't so impressed. Perhaps I shouldn't have expected to have been, because he was suffering from the tail end of some kind of gastric flu, and I've been suffering from: tail end of cold, chronic insomnia, and have my period. And an enormous spot .

But.....I don't know.....it seemed to lack a bit of...intensity. At this point, even if there wasn't actual sex involved, I'd expect there to be loads of snuggling, snogging, eye contact, deep conversation (and I mean, we did talk. And he's stopped hogging the conversation, so I guess that was just nerves or whatever. It's just that....IDK...it seemed a tad....mundane. And prosaic, given that he's supposed to have a brain the size of a small planet, etc etc).

I couldn't help thinking "Well, at this point with XP, it was several hours on the sofa spent talking intensely in between snogging, then up to bed to spend the rest of the night fucking". Nothing more depressing than comparing a new man unfavourably to an ex you sacked off because he was abusive .

Plus, he did commit a couple of Grave Sins, to whit: Fiddling With His Fucking Phone Whilst in Bed With Me, and Insufficient Enthusiasm for Foreplay.

I don't know, he is obviously very keen to see me again, and we have already arranged our next dates, and I think I should give him a teeny bit of leeway over last night, because he was ill, but..........am feeling thoughtful about the whole thing. Very thoughtful .

Funny thing is, I still fancy him to an almost painful degree. And he is not, at all, conventionally good looking, either.

Lovemusic, sorry to read what happened. It sounded like you tried your best so you can walk tall and be sure that the loss is his.

Morning all
This thread is moving so fast at the moment, it's great to catch up!
Love so sorry that happened, but I do remember thinking a few pages back you didn't sound happy and rule 8 should apply.
Tom - Meet sooner rather than later, there is nothing worse than spending weeks texting/messaging, over investing and then meeting someone only to find there is no spark and you'd rather eat your own fist, than spend another minute in their company.
Bant - when's the date and who with??
Stubborn - I hope it was just an off day and the next one is better.
Info - stick with it, it will happen

Date 6 tonight and it's dinner at mine, as to whether we will be sharing mooseburgers I'm not sure. We have just agreed to drink wine, eat, chat and snog and see where that takes us. However he is sleeping over.. . Talk of a break away together over Easter has also been discussed so, there appears to future plans....It all seems rather odd, I don't think I have got to this point in OLD before. Also no anxiety or worries about whether he will call/turn up etc. It's quite an alien concept!
Have a great weekend everyone.

Thanks guys. It's difficult as to be honest I do like the attention from him in that as friends we would regularly message each other throughout the day and just check in to make sure we were both OK and I am reluctant to let go of that. He finished with me a couple of weeks ago after making me feel insecure and shit all week. I stupidly begged for another chance and was very upset and he ignored me. I picked myself up pretty quickly and realised it was the idea of him/the relationship that I was upset about and that we aren't very well matched, a view shared by all my family and friends. He is now upset and wants to make a go but is starting to get a bit nasty! If only the sex wasn't so good

I've also started to go to the gym Info as I figured I might meet someone local even if it's just meeting new friends and I can get fit at the same time.

I think it's a switch of focus and attention too, takes time away from looking at POF.

Mutual matches on POF. What is the point?
My irons seem to be going nowhere. Just penpals at the moment with vague talk of dates. So I thought I'd do some swiping.
I have 3 mutual matches. I've waited a day and none have messaged me. My success rate of messaging first is not great.
Should I just wait? I've had similar matches before and got nowhere.

Hi Runnny - keep swiping and keep matching. I always waited to be messaged, but out of all the matches (I think about 30, about 7 messaged). Good luck

Oh I've got about 150 or so mutual matches on POF at the moment. Problem is, they often pop up when I'm busy chatting to one or two other people, and by the time things have tailed off with the irons, I've got new matches. So I look through the most recent ones, and don't even notice the one that matched with me weeks ago.

I'll message some of them, but older ones, if I even think to scroll down several pages, I'll assume they're not free anymore. So I've got dozens of matches I've never looked at since they matched with me. I'll only really message someone if it's a mutual match when I click on them, not if I get a notification that someone likes me back.

Plus there's the whole jam jar thing. I'll explain that another time. I'm going to the pub now for birthday drinks :)

These tools aren't meant to help us succeed, they're meant to sell ad revenue.

I've had mutual matches before and messaged them and they haven't messaged back.

It's like Tinder if someone matches and then unmatched you. It's because they've swiped you quickly and then on close inspection, realised no thanks.

Bant if you have 150 mutual matches you are doing a-ma-zing!! I don't do the meet me thing on there because most people get too uptight about it.

Sorry, 46 mutual meet-mes out of 140 who want to meet me.

I should scroll through. Some of them are actually quite nice but I was distracted at the time

Even 46 mutuals is amazing!! I have precisely zero but in my defence, I don't click anyone :)

I don't know how to find them. I must dig around some more.
I only do the 'like to meet' thing so the software can updates its algorithm for the suggestions it sends me :)

Am now getting fed up with people's profiles saying "don't use meet me, I can't see it", well mate, we don't necessarily use it so you can see it. And if you want to, I gather there is a paid option for that.

Well. I must say I'm feeling a bit down. I really wanted to arrange a date for this weekend but my progress on Tinder has been woeful.

I feel like I must have swiped every man in London.

The ones where I instigated messaging haven't replied. I've got about 10 new matches and I'm going wait until tomorrow and see if they message me before I think about messaging them.

I messaged with one interesting guy yesterday so I might send him another message tomorrow.

I'm not that bad honest! I might have to amend my profile.

To everyone who has got a date this weekend, I hope they go well.

I was going to try and go NC with Mr MOD but he has messaged me a few times today after I sent him a message saying goodbye. He says he wants to sort himself out and get through his dad's funeral and then maybe try again. I don't know what I want to do but I'm not going to just hang around waiting for him to be ready. I have had a stressful day and this evening I turned to tinder and messaged back the fit guy, let's call him Mr gym buff, anyway like most people on tinder he is looking for a good time but I am very tempted due to lack of MB. He lives quite far away though and I don't know if I want to travel that far for a good time. For now just chatting to him is a bit of fun and is keeping my mind off Mr MOD.

Why not Lovemusic. Go for it.

Tricky one. Very easy for us all to say avoid Mr Mod because he's going to be extremely hard work but we all can't help the way we feel and you will end up doing what you feel, whether it's advisable or not. That's human nature :)

I would tell mr Mod to contact you when he is ready and you will see. In the meantime do whatever it takes to feel ok with everything. A bit of online chatting really isn't going to hurt.

Bant - you must be pretty attractive (or have an awesome profile) to have 150 matches...what's your secret?

Users who want to meet me = 90. Mutual = 19.

I should probably message a few.

I'm going to revamp my profile tonight, it's been up a week, it must be getting stale! ;)