The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Bant I don't know whether to admire her uncompromising approach or think she's incredibly rude!

Either way, onwards and up.

It's a real shame that it didn't work but I wouldn't take it as you doing something wrong to be blocked. From her side there is no point keeping you there, that's all. She might have found it really tough to do that and figured blocking took the pressure off her.

Second guessing again though innit.

It's a harsh world this OLD business for sure.

Mr mod messaged to tell me his dad died today, I feel a bit guilty . He messaged me for a bit and then vanished, I can see he's still online. Finding it all very frustrating. I have told him he can come over tomorrow when I have finished what I am doing. He seems pretty down and I really don't know if I can be doing with tip towing around someone who's feeling depressed. Why do I always attract the ones with personal problems, depression or a ton of baggage? I just want a in stressful relationship with someone that's enjoying life and has time to enjoy it with me.

I have received a message from someone on tinder, someone who looks way out of my league, shocked that I matched with him. Now do I message back?

lm I wouldn't.

Can you imagine what people on here would say if a poster's parent had died, they hadn't been up to discussing it with their new bf, and then it turns out the new bf was chatting to women on tinder the very day the posters father died?

Give him some time, let him know you're there if he wants to talk. The tinder date will probably be there in a few days. But not today.

Your right bant, I have told him I'm here, he talked a little but then vanished, he does this all the time and I can see he's online. Probably just me over thinking things but just feels like he's ignoring me ( not just now but since I have been talking to him. I guess I'm just frustrated as things are not really moving anywhere.

That's understandable. I'd be frustrated too. You can afford to give it a few days though. Possibly he'll appreciate how supportive you've been and step up and be great. Possibly you're wasting your time. But at least if you can think back and know you did the right thing, then that's the best

When you say you "can see he's online", you can't really. I often leave my laptop on and logged in and go off and do other things. I mean, actual things, like wash up, or go to the loo, or make dinner.

If I was actively chatting to someone I would say I was popping off, but if it was just messaging then I wouldn't bother.

What is this about telling men jokes? I have very dry humour (and am sarcastic) but I don't like 'I say, I say, I say' type obvious jokes. My jokes are often missed though!

Hi Everyone.

love - I agree with bant - this now isn't about dating or setting things for future - it's just about being human and supporting someone through a really difficult time - just message him again so he knows you are thinking of him. This is not a time for overthinking - just be nice and be there if he wants to chat. I can't imagine how he's feeling right now, so just try your best. Don't worry if you're doing the right thing, just letting someone know they're not alone is really great at this point.

But you don't need to feel guilty - you didn't know his dad was so ill

out - I love jokes (especially the cheese related ones) but dry sarcasm is the best. I think the main thing is to be yourself.

LM that's a really difficult situation. If it were me I think I would message something like 'here if you need/want to talk' or let me know how I can help...though I would expect that he wouldn't for some times given the length of time /type of relationship to date.

I'm feeling bit better today about non MB from Mr Art, I spoke to a friend who said in her relationship they didn't MB for two months and they are now married and always have been mad about each other. She said she thought it was because he really liked me... whereas I am thinking the opposite or that he is not over ex/hiding something. What does anyone think?

Can I join this thread?

Back to online dating and have been chatting to a couple of guys.

First one asked for my number within the first few lines of messages which is a bit offputting - he said it's because that app keeps crashing.

Second guy is lovely and we seem to get on quite well. He just told me he's going to meditate before bed which left me a bit confused as I didn't see him as the meditating type.

My brain is exhausted!

LM - that's really hard. No option really but to be patient. If he is online perhaps he is messaging family members?

Need encouragement ladies and gentlemen. My lovely iron ended things last week and I am sad. Phone watching for the message where he tells me he made a terrible mistake and wants me back. This is clearly not going to happen! So am back online but feeling uninspired. Was chatting a to a guy the other day - just ice breaker stuff - and he messages me to postpone our date today. I replied pointing out that we never agreed to meet. He went quiet then came back with "well maybe now's the time for me to ask"!!! So clearly got the wrong lady and didn't want to acknowledge or apologise for that! Funny but does not inspire me to agree to meet him...

I'm 37. Not ugly. Responsibility free. Never married. No children. I sitting alone here wondering how I got to this stage...OLD has it's funny moments but honestly I am not sure I have thick enough skin. Starting to doubt if I will ever meet someone.

With respect LM, I don't think you're going to be at the forefront of his mind, today of all days. And there could be good reason that he's online (informing friends or family members, for example).

possibly aww, sorry to hear that. Totally rubbish.

LM I get your frustration - he really has run hot and cold on you. But I would do as others have and just let him know you are there for him as a friend (for now). perhaps now just isn't the time to be pursuing a relationship with him - but equally, don't start anything new just yet as it would come across as disrespectful.

buzzpop

It could be any of the reasons. He could possibly not be over an ex, or he could be holding out to let the relationship develop without jumping into bed, or he could have a very low libido. You can't know. All you can do is think about something else. Sometimes you never get answers.

lana, yeah I find it difficult talking to more than one person. And don't give your number out until you want to. Some people buy a disposable phone just for dating, but you can't do free messaging on those, generally.

Are you sure the second one said meditating?

out - the single thing most people look for in a partner is sense of humour. Most women on here want men to be amusing, and it's the same for men. I want a woman to at least be witty and sarcastic, or tell cheesy one liners. Just something that's not all serious, all the time.

On other news, I have a date.

God, I can move quick when I put the effort in :)

Sense of humour is so subjective though - I had a date with a guy once who filled any small gap in conversation with "here's a joke for you - why did the chicken cross the road", and it left me cold and a bit bewildered, as if I had asked him to tell me some boring done-to-death jokes (which I hadn't!).

I shall try. I have messaged a guy back. So far I have not had the guts to message back those I don't like the look of but I guess I should say something to them.

btw, at 48 I am not used to seeing so many men with tattoos. I'm not keen on them but they seem so common (as in, commonly occurring, not lower class*) these days so I think I am going to have to try to ignore them. I cannot ignore thick gold chains though, especially if they have what look like wedding rings dangling on the end of them. And why do so many men have photos of their kids? Doesn't seem very sensible to put a photo of your kid/s on a dating site!

*which they always used to be!

Bant he definitely said meditating.

outtogetyou

Remember you're under no obligation to reply to first messages. Sometimes if you politely decline, you'll get an angry or whiny response.

And yes, sense of humour is subjective, but surely the point of messaging is to find someone who matches your own point of view. Some women will love the chicken crossing the road thing, you didn't. Don't try to be false, be yourself. But show the funny side. If they don't get you, or if you don't get them, don't meet them.

bant that was

The meditation line obviously

Wow, this thread is so busy! Need to find my glasses and read back. Well I had a lovely 2nd date and am planning a 3rd ( have never made it to a 3rd date from OLD so am nervous). Still being cautious. It wasn't as easy as the first date but I'm hoping that was because the restaurant was very formal so I didn't feel relaxed and no chance to cuddle up. In fact there was no contact at all- not even a peck on a cheek on arrival or a touch of my arm. He even went to shake my hand when I left! No compliments either ( and I was wearing my favourite dress that does usually attract compliments). So I was a bit confused as to how he's feeling. But he handed me a present as I left and wants to see me this weekend. Perhaps he's taking it slow but I do like a bit more oomph in a man if that makes any sense- I was hoping for a snog! I'm also cautious as he isn't yet divorced and still lives with his wife. He's had a relationship since separating but said that had had to remain secret as she would have 'gone mental'. So that sent my spidey senses into overdrive. I don't want to be creeping around. But that does tie in with him only messaging late at night. So still proceeding with caution and eyes wide open!

Well I tried to support him and failed badly, not much else I can do, obviously he's not that into me as I had a message this morning dumping me. I offered support, I offered to give him space then I get this message at 6am. I give up , not sure I can be doing with this OLD anymore, losing the will to live.

Oh love I am so sorry. You have been incredibly kind and patient and this must hurt. But without wanting to sound like a cliche, this isn't anything to do with you and how amazing you undoubtedly are. I suffered a major bereavement and felt so utterly bleak and horrible, I couldn't bear any happiness around me and pushed a lot of friends away. I was truly awful to be around for a long time but it was my way of coping. It totally sucks being dumped but I think you may have been spared several months of hurt having to tip toe around him. Have an unmumsnetty hug

LoveMusic I actually think that's good news. He wasn't making you happy and you wanted to start looking around but due to his situation people thought that would be insensitive. Now you can do what you like.

I haven't reached a conclusion on OLD yet. I'm still battling with Tinder.