The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Thank you ladies ( and gents ).
I do feel a bit annoyed that I haven't got a nice birthday message. I messaged him a couple of hours ago asking if he was ok, got a message back a minute ago saying he's on his way home and that he's ok, no mention of my birthday and no asking if I'm ok. He's on my FB so should have seen the 60 comments I have from other people wishing me a happy birthday. He also has my address so could have sent a card or flowers ( same for valentines ). I know he's having a stressful time with his dad being ill but a nice message only takes a few minutes.

Happy Birthday love. He might send you a lovely message when he gets home?

See, I'm in two minds bout that LM. Given that his dad is on his deathbed, I'd be inclined to keep my expectations verrrry low. I agree with you, it absolutely only takes a minute to send a nice message, but I guess we don't know what's going on in his head. Also, you mentioned that they weren't close. Who knows what regrets could be whirling around.
It's very frustrating for you though, and I totally get that. And it sounds selfish, but no matter how kind, supportive and sympathetic you are, there isn't a guarantee of relationship success at the end! I guess that's the risk we all take though, that the time and effort we invest will lead to something.
I didn't end it with Mr T. I decided to do the grown up thing and 'bend' a bit, instead of sticking to my ideals so rigidly.
He got in touch early this morning, to say that he is back from his 2 week business trip tonight, and would like to 'spend some quality time with me, and maybe even some romancing …'
I replied quite casually, and said that sounds good, but probably best just to get back to me when he has a date in mind.

Meaning = actions speak louder than words!
I am happy with this response. I'm getting bored now of texting without the substance of actually getting Date 5 sorted!

and a very Happy happy Birthday to you, lovely LM33!

LM33 also meant to add, do you have any other irons at the moment? Might help if you did. I think the same about myself, to be honest. I have put all my dating eggs in the one basket, and it feels like rather a hasty decision. Might help if we had other possibilities to focus on too!

Diau, I am trying very hard to be understanding, I am stopping myself from being a child and sending him a message reminding him it's my birthday. He told me yesterday that he's finding things hard with his parents so I know he's got a lot going on. I will try and be patient with him a little longer. Just a bit gutted as he has had 2 weeks off work, first week he had a bad chest infection and my dd was ill and then the 2nd week he has spent away because of his dad being poorly. Because he lives quite far from me I won't see him much once he's back at work next week either. Not sure if it's going to work out.

Evening all. Happy birthday lovemusic

Humph. Date was okay. She wasn't as attractive as the photos, but then nor was I, and I did fancy her. Conversation was easy, we made each other laugh. Sparks didn't fly but then they usually don't unless there's at least a bit of booze involved.

We chatted for over two hours, and then I had to go as I had a long drive home. Cheek kiss goodnight in the car park, and I just got in and messaged her to say thanks for a good night, and she read it and didn't reply.

So. I'll either send a breezy good morning, or wait for her to tomorrow morning.

I'd like to see her again, but don't know if it's mutual.

So. Humph

Gah, I hate uncertainty like that Bant. If you've read my posts, you'll know that I don't do well with it in fact!
I would wait for her to message you now. Definitely. I sooo would have snogged you and messaged back particularly if alcohol had been involved . Not that I would need alcohol for snogging.
LM33 our situations are very similar (minus the dying parent!) with trying to juggle distance, work, kids, illness, etc. Also much patience required. Hence my text to Mr T asking him to get back to me when he has a date for our date. Our text to date ratio must be 100:1!!

I got a message from Mr Mod early hours of this morning, it just said 'arrived home safely' and that's it, no 'how are you?' No 'hope you had a good birthday'. I am really tempted to write a sarcastic message or maybe just a message to say I had a great birthday?

Happy birthday for yesterday LoveMusic - I had an early night and wasn't around last night.

bant - did she contact you this morning. Hope she isn't going to ghost. I think it is good form to message when you get home from a date even if you are just saying that you didn't feel a spark.

Donnatello - congrats on the first date. it will be fine. I treated my first date a little like a job interview. I asked lots of questions and thought about them in advance so there wouldn't be any awkward pauses. In my case the guy i met was better looking in real life - but had an awful personality. I would say that you should have a drink - but maybe only one and perhaps indicate if you want a second date before the date is over. So that he leaves feeling positive about your feelings.

I am currently swamped with work (freelance - so it comes in waves) and therefore the days are moving along quickly. Always good when you are waiting on a message.

I had date 2 last night with CBG He totally shocked me by turning up with flowers and chocolates for V day. I was a bit and embarrassed because I wasn't expecting anything obviously after 1 date! But it was a very sweet, and rather brave move so I did appreciate his efforts obviously. That aside we had a lovely date, we played pool (badly, we were a little distracted) and much snogging in the car park after. Hopefully to be repeated soon!

Lovemusic - are you sure he knew it was yesterday? I can't believe anyone would be that insensitive? If he says "yes i knew it was your birthday, but i was just too tired/stressed/ill to send a message". i would be incredibly angry and sad. it takes moments to make someone feel special even if your own circumstances are not the best.

You should definitely send a message pointing out it was your birthday yesterday and you can only assume he didn't know or forgot.I would point out that you feel upset about it. because it is fair enough. His response will speak volumes. if he has time to send a good morning message he has time to send a happy birthday message.

I really think this is a mixup of some kind. i think he just forgot or didn't know and i think he will feel awful once he realises.

Oops, may have just sent a message. Can't be bothered anymore, how hard is it to ask someone how they are or if they have had a good day? I have friends that are going through far worse yet they managed to send me a message on FB wishing me a happy birthday.

I'm not sure if it's a mix up, he sent me a message in the morning saying 'hope you have a good day', was that him saying 'happy birthday' or was it just him saying have a good day as he wasn't going to be about all day (was the only message I got until late last night). I'm sure he knew it was my birthday, it would have come up on his FB anyway? He made no effort for Valentine's Day either, I know we have only been dating a short time but thought this would be more reason to put a little bit of effort in even if it was just a nice message. I have messaged him saying 'I had a lovely birthday yesterday' told him what I did (worked, went out for lunch with my dc's) but wasn't horrible, just trying to highlight that it would have been nice to have at least talked to him on my birthday.

I agree - when my Mum was dying I made sure I wasn't so absorbed by it that everything else disappeared. Besides, the nice feelings associated with a new relationship will help you through a hard time.

My Mr Overseas has a some huge family issues himself and when he feels stressed about it - the first thing he does is talk to me about it. I distract him or support him depending on what he needs.

I think ignoring a birthday and valentines day at the start of a relationship - no matter how tenuous that relationship might be - tells you plenty about how they might be in the long term. It feels pretty selfish to me.

I hope you get a response soon LM. I am interested to hear what his excuse will be. if it is that he is stressed, then he really should be talking to you about that and explaining in a genuine and heartfelt way.

hello people
good luck with your first date Donatello
RunnnyMummy do not like the sound of this guy at all.
Love Happy Blated b'day !
You really need to stop tip toeing around this guy, his needs and moods, be brave (as you are) get angry, tell him to sod off :) Its all about him and he has placed you in a frame of mind you cannot even flirt any longer with him, a very awkward place to be.

I was going to suggest you texted him with " hope you are holding on, get in touch when you can, its not to late to treat me for a belated b'day"
but then I read the full thread, so, sod him :)

bant humph indeed

last I think I would have been taken by surprise and a bit by the flowers too, but actually its so very refreshing that he had the confidence to do that.
Cant beat a late snog in a parking lot (just remember good angles for CCTV cameras)

Dieu totally relate and agree. I would be the same. Sort it out or move along (him)

I maybe very simple minded but
if it sounds like an excuse, it moves like an excuse, it smells like ....
you get the idea

Thank you inthemood he's actually not very confident and very shy so I do appreciate the effort and bravery in his gesture.
And reading about the lack of even a nice message from some guys being dated for longer, Im feeling rather fortunate this morning!

lovemusic

It's possible that FB didn't alert him that it was your birthday, or that he didn't notice, or wasn't on there much.

But if he did know it was your birthday and he didn't even mention it (and 'have a good day doesn't count as mentioning it) then I'd give up and move on. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who ignores you.

We all have shitty things happen to us, and its natural to talk about them with a partner, for support or a distraction.

runnny - avoid the man with thin walls. He should be trying to impress you. Not inviting you back to his for MB either shows he's got something to hide (a wife, a hoarding habit) or doesn't want to let you in to his life to the extent of seeing where he sleeps. I'd be very cautious here.

I got a message from missNoName this morning. She hadn't felt a connection. Nor had I, really, but she was attractive enough that I would have gone out with her again to see if there was one when it wasn't the awkwardness of a first date.

Yeah, that elusive chemistry. Bollocks.

She blocked me on POF and deleted me on whatsapp too. Seems a bit harsh. I know it's the general advice to 'delete/block/move on' but also its a bit rude, to be honest.

Ah well. Onwards and upwards. Again.

Sorry to hear that Bant - hope the next one works out.

When this happened to me, I waited a few days before blocking but the only reason I did was because I didn't want him to get upset or disappointed if he saw me online on Whatsapp or POF.

I also felt weird going onto POF and seeing him pop up - it made me uncomfortable. So blocking isn't necessarily a big two fingered salute to you - there are lots of real and genuine reasons for doing it.

Wow thst seems a little harsh of her bant

I only delete and block in extreme cases, they have to be pretty obnoxious or have said/done something to warrant me never wanting to speak to them ever again! I'm actually Fb friends with a couple of my "no spark" dates, we stayed in touch and are pretty friendly

Awwww!

I wasn't expecting anything at all from MrLD for Valentine's Day - I got him some gin which he had when I last saw him but he's the wryly cynical kind and I assumed it just wasn't his 'thing'. So imagine my surprise to pick up a parcel from the post office this morning with a box of my favourite chocolates and a book which not only looks good on its own merits but references an in-joke that's run between us since our first date and it's obviously something he's put a lot of thought into and effort to track down. He's a good egg

Sorry to hear that Bant. I'm guessing she just felt a bit awkward having to say it and figured blocking was a way of stopping the comms. If one party liked the other, there is probably little point of staying in contact as you're never going to speak anyway. She would only sit there to exist as someone you are tempted to say hello to after a few beers.

I found my answer from the work girl. My mate asked her. She said I'm not her type. If she'd said that in the first place it would have saved some extra time wasted. Never mind.

I'm going to join the gym and get back into all that, might meet someone there!!

I'll spend my online time looking at beautiful watches instead of women I think!!

welshmaenad A book, huh? Definitely a keeper

bant I can never get this "there must be chemistry on the first date or the whole thing's down the toilet" attitude. IME it can often take a few dates to develop a real feel for someone, including romantically. Chemistry is a funny thing, and ebbs and flows. I would always go on another date with someone if I wasn't sure (Unless she was just being polite of course, and there was a deal breaker in there for her somewhere. You drink the same beer as her ex, or something....).

Mr Anarchist's coming round for dinner this evening. Much as I want to see him, I'm exhausted because I've been having a recurrence of my old bugbear insomnia, he says he was ill last night (but better now), and I've got the actual biggest spot of my life to date on my chin. For fuck's sake, it's so huge it distorts the shape of my face!! I'm desperately clutching an ice pack to my face in the hopes it'll go down. How the hell can I make it go away?!

So, I don't know how wild, passionate, romantic etc this evening is going to get......I think the very best we can hope for is cuddling and chatting over a cup of tea TBH! That's if he doesn't turn on his heel at the sight of my spot! Heeeeelp!