Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

Please don't allow him to come up with any stupid manipulative reasons that you can't go. How dare he write a text to your sister, when you are a grown literate adult.

I'm glad they see though it.

This behaviour of his has absolutely nothing to do with Religion. No matter what he says, it's not.if you have to appease him to agree, then do so, but you have to know in your mind he's talking a load of nonsense and trying to make you a stepford wife.

As others have said, do bit have marriage counselling with him. It will only do more harm and he will twist everything to suit him and convince you, that everything is your fault.

Individual counselling will be of benefit to you.

Yes, the 'fixing' sets up a dependancy where he says that nobody cares for you like I do/knows/understands you like I do, which then allows him to start telling you what you are thinking/what you should do.

Perhaps you could join an outside crafting group to expand on your hobbies - maybe something that gets you out of the house one evening a week / every so often on the weekend - theoretically he SHOULDNT object - after all its important that he builds up some one to one time with his daughter, and its not babysitting, its looking after his own child.

Could your crafting / baking develop into a sideline of craft fairs/village markets? I have lots of mum friends who do this, sometimes sharing a stall together - its important to start trying to make some friends outside of church and independant of him. Are any of your mum friends into starting a book club for instance? Take it in turns to host once a month at each others houses. I think you need to get more outside influences rather than less.

The huge red flag is his reluctance to let you discuss anything. Its OK to do that you know, its NORMAL to discuss problems with others, or at the minimum with professionals. If he knew everything was healthy and fine he would have no worries about you discussing anything, but he is worried that you will be influenced/led astray by people reinforcing that whats going on is wrong. THATS why I think he knows what he is doing, because if he really believed he was husband of the universe he would have no fears that you could be 'led astray' (ie told that he is a controlling bastard)

What would you do if your sister arrives and then your DH says you can't go?

He won't want to do that, he will lose face. he could however pretend to get sick.... in which point you could tell him not to go to the doctor, praying should fix it....

Parker321 - with my sister and bil there he would never say that, although I don't think he would change his mind now anyway. If he did, with my sister and bil there I would have the strength to say I'm going anyway.

I have thought about doing a little more with my crafts - 2 of my friends recently saw something I had made and both asked me to make them something similar. I only charged about what it cost to make as I enjoy doing it, but it was a nice confidence boost as I wasn't trying to sell them or anything.

I have had an issue for years with never being able to discuss anything with anyone. I have noticed that friends and family all seem to share things, but I've never felt able to.

I don't know of I want to keep posting here right now. I'm extremely thankful for all of the replies, but I feel sp guilty. Mostly dh is a wonderful man and I really love him. He's been extra loving this past few days and I feel disloyal towards him right now.

I'm guessing you feel bad because he is good to you most of the time, as you said earlier. You don't have to end your marriage, just need to learn how to stand up for yourself in a positive way both with your husband and your step Mum. Counselling or an assertiveness course or book may help.

I bet you any money he's being excessively lovely towards you, ramping up the guilt and and building you back up again so he can suddenly make up some bullshit reason as to why you can't leave. Then you will be back in exactly the same position, thinking oh he's been so lovely towards me, he must love me so much, I better do what he says, I feel guilty.....

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I do find it difficult to hear you waxing lyrical about this man. I don't really think I can add any more, so I too will leave this thread now but I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much everyone. That's it, most of the time we are very happy. I just want a break to think things over and decide what's best for dd, for me and for our marriage. Thanks for all of the replies, I feel I have a deeper understanding of our issue and I would have never let family know if it wasn't for the support I have received here.

I also have a book sent to me I will read, and look into some individual councelling some similar.

Or similar*!

He's been 'extra loving' because he knows that you are starting to cotton on to him.

I need to catch upon a couple of pages but felt impelled to say that where I wasn't getting that inner intuitive warning siren before, I am now. He has it too and senses that something in you is changing. He is highly tuned in to how "well" you behave under his rule and he is starting to stir. Be very careful because he will destroy you if he deems it necessary. Maybe not physically but psychologically. And he'll use God to do it initially. That's been his weapon of choice up to now.

By the way, YOUR issue and HIS issue is not an "our" issue.

Also as a by the way - I think you are a very talented, articulate, eloquent, creative and beautiful soul with a sense of fun, humour and adventure that you have not recognised or tapped into yet. You are Light. He, sadly, is Dark.

Thank you so much tipsy for your kind words and advice. I have really taken them to heart.

He is being exceptionally nice at the moment, as he sees you have been quieter & clearly out of sorts (building up to posting here, something is bothering you right ?)
This is such a classic, please read up on & recognise "the cycle of abuse"
it is not ALL misery, it goes in ever revolving circles, which is why it is confusing & pacifies you into believing somewhere there is a normal person.
It may be that you can pull up your big girl pants & tell him that you are an adult, individual, not a reflection of him, no 2 people identical, & you will do what you think is best for YOU, & not be harnessed & blind folded.
He will then deny any wish to do this, & then you will slot back into life as before ........... until the next crisis.

It's normal for him to be exceptionally nice for a bit, that's how abuse goes.

Please don't worry about being disloyal. The disloyal one is him.

How are you today, op? I hope everything is going well.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; they however do the nice/nasty cycle of abuse continuously. Your man has got nicer because he senses that something with you is not quite right, you are changing and that to him is threatening. The disloyal one here is he and he alone.

Sorry OP but it sounds like your husband has narcissistic tendencies. Read up about them their motivations and their characters unfortunately it is a lot more prevalent than most people think. Using religion as a tool to keep you tied to him is apparently a common tactic of a narc. Truly religious people do not force obedience from their wife in the way your husband does. Saying 'god' tells him things that he is using to control you and in due course will use to control your daughter is actually about as ungodly a action you can think of. He doesn't want you to see anyone precisely because they will tell you what dozens of people on here have told you that he is emotionally abusive and controlling and not at all a good person. Please go visit your parents, just call your sister and pack a bag and then be truthful about exactly what he does and says to you. Your DD Is only little now but do you want her to think how her Dad treats you is how she should be treated in a relationship. You tend to acccept what is familiar and children who have grown up with an abusive parent tend to choose abusive partners.

I am married to a priest/vicar (up very late, catching up with work & sick toddler).

I don't know where to start sweetheart but this marriage sure as hell isn't good and holy. In my denomination which many would consider hardcore, (I am not a JW) I would say that I don't even think you are validly married because your free will and consent were lacking and impaired when you married this guy. This is not a sacramental union.

I've had some anxiety issues recently and my DH has encouraged me to get medical help (propanalolol) as well as seeing a proper medically qualified pyschiatrist who is helping me resolve similar childhood issues. My therapist is a Christian so he is supportive of and not antagonistic to my faith, but this is recognized medical mental health help, to help give me strategies for dealing with certain situations.

Prayer is a great source of strength but it is ultimately about you and your relationship with God, not a third party discerning what God wants for you. My DH would NEVER try to manipulate the fact that he has vastly superior theological knowledge against me and we are really careful to ensure ours is a marriage of equals. If I want to buy myself something nice I don't have to ask permission even though he earns more than me & I am mainly a SAHP who works freelance.

He would never dream of sending texts for me or asking to see my texts or emails and more than does his bit looking after our 5 kids so that I can have a night out or a few days away. I would only ever ask out of courtesy, but never for permission! Equally he'd never try to come between me and my family and encourages me to heal a fractured relationship with my mother, even though he doesn't like her that much and the feeling is mutual He sees family relationships as important and he absolutely doesn't want a helpless appendage or doormat of a wife.

Your DH sounds spiritually very sick and remember this. Anyone can pick up the Bible and take any text they like and distort it to mean what they think. My faith is very clear about the dangers of relying solely upon Scripture. Knowing the Bible chapter and verse like your DH, doesn't make him wiser.

I think Luke 17:2 is worth reflecting on in the light of what he could potentially do to your DD. You deserve better. This is not how a good upright strong Christian man treats his wife.

Please do PM me if you want to talk.

Showed DH this thread. He is horrified and wonders if you are Christadelphian? Let us know how things are going

I have been trying to reply but had bad Internet signal today, so it got deleted.

I wasn't originally going to post here again, but wanted to thank people for their replies. I had been feeling such guilt about posting, as Dh has been so lovely, but I'm understanding why that may be now. To be honest, I've always been (unintentionally) ignorant about abuse, and didn't understand things such as it isn't all bad but can go in cycles. I also don't know too much about narcissism, but will definitely look into that.

Niceglass - thank you for your reply, I was unsure if perhaps my marriage was just how a christian marriage is and just to accept it, but I see that's not the case. I do feel like Dh is too much a part of my relationship with God and my faith, but he's just always told me he's protective over me as I'm vulnerable. I have always felt he's only had my best interests at heart.

I know I also need to think of dd, as I don't want this for her.

My sister and bil are coming tomorrow to kindly drive me, I'm feeling quite nervous and unsure if I should go, but know it's best for dd and I right now.

You should definitely go. Your husband seems to have a very precise and I would suggest distorted, view of what headship means.

Headship doesn't mean always having the casting vote and if you are using that definition to dominate rather than have an equal relationship, then something has gone wrong.

He may well have your best interests at heart but it doesn't sound like a healthy mature, mutual relationship.

At the point that he is making all the decisions for you and not trusting you (both spiritually and intellectually) then that's not Christian. Happy to keep talking but do have a nice time with your family and please don't hesitate to come back with any specific questions or if you need support.

Please do delete your browser history & change your passwords. Xx

You should definitely go. I have a Christian marriage. We both want the best for each other, and we don't play emotional games. We trust each other's judgement, and we don't think one of us is more important than the other. When I was at home with a baby we were still equal.

Where you may have vowed that you trust him to make all the final decisions, the converse is that he will place your needs higher than his own and make no irrational demands of you. Irrational demands would isolate you from your birth family, sending messages in your name and many other things he is guilty of. He has broken his vows to you.

Agree with niceglassofdrywhite that this is not a true marriage. You have been manipulated and he has never been honest with you.