Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

Good well, go get a rest with your family. You don't need to talk about him, just rest & recharge. You have a lot to think about.
It will take time to see clearly, & you are conditioned not to see due to the FOG.(Fear Obligation Guilt) But now, take some time to observe, maybe note down somewhere where it is private when something that makes you uneasy, tired or stressed & then try & see what he is doing to make you feel oppressed.
So change your login. (how do you know he isn't reading this ? you don't)
some info in this site:outofthefog.website/relationships-1/2015/12/6/chosen-relationships

outofthefog.website/relationships-1/2015/12/6/chosen-relationships

"I would never refuse to let him have medical care, or ever pressure him into making a decision.

I see loving him so much as wanting the best for him, but letting him make his own decisions in his life."

Exactly. That is because you know how to love. What he is talking about is not love, it's using another person to fulfil his self-love.

He does know passwords as I've always been pretty open about them. I know some of his too, I would never use them to snoop though and know he wouldn't either.

I'm sorry, but I think if he was worried about you (if you did something he didn't like) then he would snoop 'to keep you safe'.

And he 'helped you write' the text to your sister because he wants to know you haven't told her he is trying to stop you and you need help.

Please make sure your communications are private. You can open another email account and keep that one private.

Do you have a credit/debit card? Do you have to show him your receipts when you have been to the supermarket?

I agree with PPs that you shouldn't go to couples' counselling. I think he will try to stop you getting individual counselling.

I mentioned talking to a minister from a different church if you needed reassurance that this is not a biblical marriage, but some great links and information has already been shared on here showing that.

Stay safe, enchanted.

Thank you and thanks for the link.

I feel a little bit lighter. I called my sister, I didn't even know what I wanted to say, just trying to hold back tears. She said my mum was there and wanted to speak to me. I didn't even have to say anything, they already knew. My sister will come and get dd and I for a few days, they said we don't have to speak too much about it and they won't speak to dh, they just want to make sure I'm okay. My mum said her first marriage was like mine in lots of ways (I did already know this), so she understands.

I just want to thank every single person who has replied to me, from the bottom of my heart. I kept debating with myself if I should even post this, but I'm so glad I did. You've helped me to truly open my eyes to parts of my marriage which just aren't right.

I think a few days away with DD is just what I need. I love dh dearly but I don't want our relationship to continue in the way it has been for the past 6 years. I know he loves me, I just need some freedom.

Oh and we just have joint accounts. I don't have to show receipts or anything, but he is very aware of what I spend.

I exclaimed out loud when I read that he "helped" you to write the text to your sister op! You don't need help to write a text - you are an intelligent, articulate adult!

You must see how wrong all this is?

Cross posted with you op. Look after yourself.

Thank you 😊

Doesn't matter if he loves you / you love him.

What matters is what your kid learns by watching your dynamic.

Glad to hear you are going to see your family. I am sure they know very well that h wrote the texts, so that kind of back fired on him then.

If he loves you so much, why is he trying to control, dominate, & clip your wings? you are a possession to him, he's insecure, jealous & madly (literally) attempting to stop you becoming independent.
Fortunately, you have the character & strength to see what is happening.
It is highly unlikely he will change when challenged, you already know his stance on abuse....

I'm really glad your sister is coming OP.

Have a great time with your beautiful daughter sounds like your family know what's happening to you and want to help x

Sorry that your husband has been misusing the bible to control and dominate you. This book is an excellent book that addresses some of the ways that abusive men twist scripture. www.amazon.com/Women-Abuse-Bible-Scripture-Used/dp/0801057078?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Thank you hatemylife, and thanks for all of your replies.

My mum said she and my sister compares texts and could see right through it. I'm actually kind of pleased they have, as I've never wanted to speak to anyone about this before. Dh was worried about my family not liking him more, but they know he doesn't like them and they don't like him, so i don't feel a great relationship is lost because of all of this - especially if they always knew anyway.

I will use this time away to really think about what to do. I'm also looking forward to just relaxing with DD and my family, as when dh is there things always feel on edge.

Thanks for that link, and all of the messages. I hope I'm not over doing it with the thanks, but I really am so appreciate a bunch of strangers have been so supportive.

You're welcome op. Please continue to use MN as we are always here to listen.

Hello Op I'm glad you are having some time with your mum and sister.
I really hope you can extricate yourself from your husband but he is indeed very controlling and won't make it at all easy for you.
Enjoy your time away.

Sound so like you have a loving and kind family sending you love and happiness x

when is your sister coming? I would watch out for your H to suddenly have a crisis to prevent you going, if so, is it possible for your sister to stay a day or two, to see you through the crisis and take you later (as I am sure no such crisis will happen)

Also he shouldnt be trying to 'make you better' - we need to love our partners as they are, not as some potential that they can pull out of us, and they should NEVER be our therapist - its far too close for it to really help. Therapy/counselling needs an independent professional.

I hope you manage to get away.

also as a slight aside - if you did work you may be entitled to tax credits to help pay for childcare, and it is a FAMILY cost anyway, shouldnt be seen as coming out of your wages. It is important because it enables you to keep a toe in the job market, gives you an outside perspective, allows you some financial freedom and feeling a right to be equally involved in your family finances. Jobs are good for self esteem, they are good examples for your DD, and time in childcare is good for her too - helps her to develop herself socially and as an individual far more than at toddler groups where mum is always there.

I'm glad you are going to see your family but you don't need his permission to do so. What hobbies do you have? It sounds like it would be a good idea for you to get out of the house more - what about a class at a local gym or getting a massage and your nails done. Do you have any friends - perhaps a weekly night out having a pizza and a bottle of wine - something which is fun.
DO NOT LET HIM WRITE YOUR EMAILS!

She's coming in a couple of days with bil who is lovely. I would be surprised if dh suddenly had a reason I couldn't go, but I will watch out for that. Also I will see mil one morning while I'm seeing family, and he loves his mum so probably wouldn't want to stop her from seeing dd.

That is actually such a good point about dh 'fixing' me. In our relationship (especially at the beginning) that has happened a lot. I've always been thankful for it, but I wonder if that's where some of my over dependency issues come from.

I do hope to work part-time in the future. I've looked into it, and with a bit more training I could do something similar to my old job but from home. Or if I felt like doing something outside of the home, once I'm driving it should be easier. I'm very aware that the longer you are put of the job market the harder it can be to get back in, and I know I don't want to stay at home forever.

My hobbies are generally crafting and baking really. I love going on long walks outside with nature, and visiting museums etc but that's something I tend to do with dh. I keep meaning to book an appointment at the hairdressers as I haven't been in ages, but I get nervous as dh always complains about how much it costs.

I do have friends, but they are all from baby groups and I've never really seen them without our little ones.

I keep meaning to book an appointment at the hairdressers as I haven't been in ages, but I get nervous as dh always complains about how much it costs.

Because he doesn't want you to look attractive