Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

I feel there is so much truth in this thread, thank you all so much. Seeing everything written out like this shows me clearly how it's wrong. I don't know why he's like this. I know he loves me, he just needs to treat me more as his equal.

In terms of how I dress, he has never had an issue. I have always had a more conservative, feminine style as that's what I like and he does too. I don't imagine he would like me wearing something more revealing, but I wouldn't personally feel comfortable in that anyway.

He does know passwords as I've always been pretty open about them. I know some of his too, I would never use them to snoop though and know he wouldn't either.

I just feel so tired and want some more freedom, but I feel I only get freedom when he allows me to have it (is that even freedom?).

Yes, my mum can give the silent treatment if I let her down and I feel really bad. My dad doesn't though, maybe silently but not really to me. I'm always trying to make everyone else happy.

My Mother did that OP , gave me the silent treatment and it has taken me years to learn that she is a narcissistic mother. It impacts on your whole life and you can never please her but will always try to.

It sounds to me like your family only are happy with you when you do what they want. In my opinion you could benefit from some counselling to work through your own feelings of low self worth. It is necessary for you to learn to be stronger, choose the right decisions for you and not choose to do what others want or expect if you

"Of" that should have read.
In a perfect world you could do with going to stay "near" your family in a hotel so you can be independent and have a proper break and make your own decisions and not those dictated to you by your family nor husband. Time to think. I know that that probably isn't feasible unless you had a friend you could stay with? Your family (Mother) sounds like she does control you too so a clean space away from all of them would be better. Then you could visit them knowing you can go back to your "space".

There are two mother figures here though right? Bio Mum and Step Mum.

It's Step Mum OP would be visiting.

Ahhhright. So step Mum is not the one who gave the silent treatment? OP has said that her family can be controlling at times though I think.

Yes sorry, step mum is who I have been referring to as mum throughout the thread. I've not seen my birth mum since I was a little girl, sp step mum is more of my mum.

So step mum us not the one who gives you the silent treatment or is controlling?

Thank you tilliii for your replies, it's hard but I need to make decisions for myself I know I do, as much as I love all of my family some do try to influence me.

Sorry, from what you have said Step Mum is the one who gives you the "silent" treatment and Dad does nothing about it. Is that right?

Step mum can give the silent treatment and can be controlling in the past, we have a better relationship now though. I don't really know my birth mum other than my memories of her.

I feel if you go and stay with them you will be influenced by their thoughts and opinions rather than being able to cleanly process your own thoughts.

Yes that's right. My dad is a lovely but quiet man, so doesn't really say too much.

I wouldn't really have any where else to stay, as my sister is a bit out of the way. I'm not sure what is best

O OP, it's hard feeling like your not good enough no matter what you do . You really would benefit from some counselling so you can talk through your feelings and get help to work through them 🌸

Although you say your sister is out of the way, if she and you have a good safe respectful relationship, would staying with her be an option? She is the one coming to pick you up anyway

Thank you, I will definitely look into some counselling or something.

But I'm not sure if I've made a big deal over nothing. Dh has reluctantly agreed to let dd and I go, I have text my sister to see if she's still free. Dh did help me write the text to her though so I didn't mess it up anymore.

He did tell me his often bad relationship with my family is fault though. I have lots to consider. Thank you everyone

Is my fault*

Why is he "helping you write the text"? You are clearly, bright, literate and articulate from your posts on here (and I am an English teacher - so know it when I see it). You can write a text. You don't need him to help you with your relationship with your own sister.

He wants to manage your voice. Stifle it. Silence who YOU are by suggesting he is helping you. He is not helping. He is controlling, manipulating and silencing.

You did not need his "help" in writing that text to your sister. It also shows me how much you have been thoroughly conditioned by him.

Your recovery from his abuse of you will only start when you have completely removed yourself from him. It will take you a long time, years even, to recover from the abuses that have been meted out to you.

It is NOT your fault that his bad relationship with your family of origin has happened; abusers always blame other people for their own actions.

Neither he or your stepmother are of use or benefit to you really; they've both wanted to control you.

Thanks so much. I wish things were different, I'm just trying to make the best of it and decide what to do. I didn't think it was fair for him to say it's my fault. I would have said something, but it's easier if I don't.

He also said to me to understand he always has my best interests at heart, because he loves me so much. I feel at such conflict with myself really.

enchantmentandlove Sat 11-Feb-17 15:49:06
"He also said to me to understand he always has my best interests at heart, because he loves me so much."

Ok, so if he is ill, can you refuse him the right to see a doctor because you love him so much? Do you get to decide everything he does because you love him so much?

I would never refuse to let him have medical care, or ever pressure him into making a decision.

I see loving him so much as wanting the best for him, but letting him make his own decisions in his life.