Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

He is full of shit. If your did is going to miss him then this sounds like a perfect opportunity ' darling this would be a great way to test somwe know, going away just for a few days with my close family who she knows! And if she's miserable we'll come home and we'll know if anything longer comes up it's not a good idea.' But basically he is full of shit and you should start doing what you want not want he wants. Your parents and sister are your family too, yes your husband is.

Just say 'I prayed really long and hard about this and I listened to God. I'm following god's will and going to spend some time with my family'. Theb smile. And pack. And take a break.

He's equating having a relationship with ones family with splurge shopping. That's nonsensical.

The Bible has several verses on the importance of grandparents. He is denying your daughter the gift of a close bond with her grandfather.

That is contrary to Christian teaching.

Just because they are not ardent churchgoers doesn't mean they are sinners that your child has to be protected from. You said your Dad is a quiet harmless man. I am sure God would want that relationship protected.

But if you don't protect it, who will?

Thank you so much. I agree, I think he just seems to see things in a different way. My family aren't bad people. They aren't perfect, no one I, but they are loving and kind and would give you their last penny if you needed it.

I did fail a bit though. I tried to tell dh we were going to visit my family, but I was too weak.

Dh told mw he believes my parents haven't mourned the girl I used to be, and they can't see I'm different yet. Also because I "messed up" the other day, he fears if I do go they will speak badly about him to me, which he doesn't want in front of his daughter and worries they may plant seeds of doubt in me.

I also mentioned a couple of days ago (perhaps wrongly) that over the years many people have told me they think he's controlling. I thought if I said it, he may see it. But he told me earlier it's just an attack on our marriage.

Wow. He has no shame about turning the screws as tight as possible.

"That's your opinion. I'm still going to visit them."

I feel for you OP. once you've hD time to think though, do you know he is wrong?

I am pretty sure he's wrong, but he said he needs to pray about it some more. My sister probably has plans now anyway, so may not even be able to drive me.

So now you're in limbo whilst he has a little private tete a tete with God about YOU?

This is not godly.

And I bet 100% your sister would gladly drop everything to bring you for a visit. Give her more credit. It sounds like you are very very important to her.

I am sure your sister will drop everything to drive you and to get you away from your extremely controlling husband. Don't worry now about her plans.

Is what he's doing here against teachings? He knows the Bible a lot more than me, and I don't always know.

I would love to say I'm just going anyway, but he makes me feel guilty for not "listening to God".

What Elspeth says, every word of it.

God does not play favourites: he is as anxious for your wellbeing and development as your husband's. He is as willing to speak to you as to your husband. And he cares as much for your dd's bond with her grandfather as for any other loving human relationship.

Of course he is going against teachings. He is doing what he wants and claiming it is what God wants so you don't question him. When your DD is older he will change his views and say she must visit him because he is family regardless if she is married and magically he will say that is in the teachings

The thing is, the bible was written a long time ago, in a different era. It's also very dependent on interpretation, and written by many different people with very different agendas, so someone who knows the bible well would be able to justify many different viewpoints. When he says he needs time to pray he is doing one of two things; trying to come up with another argument to make you feel guilty, or leaving "his" decision so late you won't be able to go anyway.

All this praying is very convenient for him, it effectively shuts you down and he gets to check out of family life for a significant amount of time.

Does he do this with work?

It's not the bible though he is following is it, it's what he says god says to him when he is praying, god seems to follow him doesn't he, by saying what he wants and what puts him front and centre. That is not god, god does not play favourites. He is your god because he chooses to say that is what god says to him. He is manipulating you every step of the way.

When you pray what do you hear?

The truth is certain branches are always going to attract a certain type of men, those that can use the interpretation of the bible to suits there needs

When your mind is more your own and you are truly questioning his right to dominate your every move, you might find that you can say such things as "you can pray about this while I'm away". I'm not sure you're ready for this kind of oppositional stance yet.

It is so sad that he makes you doubt your version of God. What you hear God saying should have equal validity. Instead he basically says you're mishearing, are incapable of being correct or your God is lying. Your husband shuts you down. It's clear that you're going to resist this, in time.

In dreams your mind is testing out what it might feel like to be without him. If these dreams recur, you might find your dream and waking reactions begin to change. Observe them almost as an outsider.

You said earlier that "He has helped me break out of my comfort zone and try new things." In truth, OP, I'm not sure if you have ever had a comfortable zone. He has created a world for you and it is positioned right in the middle of his dictatorship. You have been bundled up by this man and, in his smothering blanket of dominion, you're just beginning to hear birds sing of a world you can't reach yet.

Thank you for explaining it, I think deep down I knew.

When I pray I feel I should go, with verses to match that. I want dd to have a relationship with my family as much as his, I think it's really important but dh doesn't seem to want that. A part of me thinks if we never saw them again he wouldn't mind.

Then follow your god and what he is telling you

Why does his version of what God says determine what you do? Why not yours?

The more I hear of this man the more I fear for you OP. He sounds dangerous.

So. He controls money, you have to tell him how much you pay for coffee & a bun.
He wants to keep you a sahm, so that you will not meet other people, have independent ideas/influences
He deliberately ostracises you from your family, so you have no support system other than him
He believes his prayers & conclusions trump yours ? why is that ?
He writes your emails. because he knows what thoughts you are thinking?
You hide your emails, as you know he will get angry by the truth
You avoid telling the truth because you know the truth will make them dislike him !!!! & You might see the light ?
He moved you away from your network of friends. Did you have to move to an isolated spot ??? very convenient for him
He refused you health care for PND, because his faith is stronger than hormones?
He talks you round to agreeing with his every point of view, but in reality you don't agree.
You are Tired, & need support. Why ? because you are in mental turmoil & are anxious due to his controlling.
I have probably missed a few points.
Does he criticise your clothes? tell you how he likes you to dress? oppose certain pieces?

I think the guy is an abusive religious fanatic, he probably does believe that his God is validating his decisions. But as PP said, your God can validate yours. You are going to have to agree to disagree.

You can say, I want to see my Mum & Dad, & I miss my sister, I would like DD to spend time with my family, who remain my blood family in spite of my marrying you. they are my roots & I love them. I am sorry if this is not something that you agree with. but it is not your decision to make. It will do me good, & I know God would want you to be generous & understanding.
Let's face it you are going to have to make a stand, if not he will always Veto any visits of socialising. would he allow you to go & spend a w/e with your old friends ? No.
Not a very christian attitude IMHO,

Does he have your phone/computer passwords? Please change them. delete history, log out of any mutual applications/Cloud

& btw. It is not because you have never paid a bill that you can't do it. On every bill there is a phone number you can call for explanation... once you have done it once, its the same every time.

Yeah, the thing is the Bible never says God doesn't speak just as much to women. In fact it makes it clear God basically views everyone as just "human".

"There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

So he retreats to these private meetings with God that dictate your life. How convenient.

Oh and by the way Luke was a doctor. The Bible is littered with references to taking medicine.

So his resistance to the GP on religious grounds is bollocks for a start.

He just didn't want you talking to the GP about your problems. He'd literally rather you were miserable than talking about your household to anyone. Nice.

Do your family control you? Have they made you feel bad for letting them down by not going? You say you have always felt this way in life and that usually comes from your immediate family where you grew up. Parents sometimes make us feel nothing we do is right and that if we don't do things their way then we are bad. Maybe these feelings you have if letting others down and not being perfect stems from your childhood and is impacting on your decisions and emotions in the present day.

Not only would your husband not mind if you never saw your family again, he is not-so-subtly working towards this end.

I agree with PP that this man is dangerous in his fanatical non-sense. I don't think he has been clever enough to realise quite how much you are waking up and wondering what's really going on. For your own safety, OP, don't give him that knowledge until you're ready to see what a real tyrant does when his self-given power is rattled.