Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

He can't see he is being controlling because he is right, in his opinion. He is just telling you what he wants you to do. Telling you what the best thing to do is. Making sure you know he is unhappy about you doing things differently. He constantly trains you into thinking he must be right, it is best to keep him happy, he is much cleverer than you, etc. He chose you so he could so this to you.

How would he react if you said 'I prayed about it and strongly feel I should go.' Ask him to pray about why he tries to stop you doing things?

When you push back a bit, one of two things will happen. He will get much worse and you will realise what kind of man he is and get yourself away, or he will adjust and your marriage will be happier for it. Give it a try.

Stand up for yourself and your daughter, push back. Chances are when she is old enough to have a mind of her own he will try to control her too.

He's a controlling bully, hiding behind a figleaf of religion.

What shitty religion asks adult women to submit in their own homes, it's incompatible with modern life or values.

He doesn't need to 'ban' you from doing things. You fear his disapproval enough that he can do it with words or even body language.

Please talk this over with someone you trust who isn't in this sexist religion.

Of course he can see it!

What on earth makes you think he can't see it?

Just because he denies it?

Why should he admit it? It would be madness. He knows it's something you're not happy with. If he admitted it, he'd have to address it.

Whereas if he hotly denies it and implies you are the one with the problem, your self doubt will take over and you apologise.

Yes what would happen if you said God told you to go?

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply everyone, it's made me cry I don't know why.

Yes I've been a people pleaser as long as I can remember, I didn't always have the best childhood so could be linked to that. I really need to stop trying to make everyone else happy all of the time, but I find it really very hard.

The thing is, most of the time he really is lovely. Just times like this I do question myself, and think 'does he really not see what he's doing'? A few months back, he learned about abuse at work and a lady shared her story. He partly seemed to side with the abuser when he was telling me about it, I was very shocked.

I did tell him that, but I think because I want to go he thinks maybe I'm hearing what I want to hear if that makes sense. That's why he wanted to pray about it. I feel like that happens a lot.

Our beautiful dd seems to be very strong which I actually love and hope she keeps, I don't want her to be weak and just rely on everyone else like I do.

Oh OP, surely your last paragraph is a complete contradiction in terms.

He cannot be a lovely man whilst simultaneously agreeing with the abuse of a work colleague.

You are crying because you know what we're all saying is true, it's just very hard for you to accept right now. I also agree, this people pleasing, submitting to everyone type of behaviour will have it's roots elsewhere, probably in your childhood.

Would you consider individual therapy? Do NOT tell him!

Strong willed*

It wasn't a colleague, it was like a speaker sorry I worded that wrong. He didn't agree with her abuse, just disagreed that he was 'grooming' her, and said he was just doing nice things because he loved her.

I think I just don't want people to be right, he is my world and I love him so much.

His attitude and perceptions are very wrong 'doing nice things because he loves her' makes my blood run cold

So his prayers also trump your prayers? I'm sorry, but he isn't a good man/husband/father. If you can get some individual counselling, I think it would be a very good idea

So he is saying he hears God clearly, but you don't.

Nice.

So,
God speaks the truth to him but you only hear what you want to hear. I see.

People who describe abuse are wrong, their partner was just doing nice things for them. Ok

I think he doesn't quite understand that women are people too. That he doesn't get to decide for you just because you are married/a woman. Watch the cup of tea video. Being given a cup of tea and forced to drink it isn't a lovely nice gesture, it is controlling and abusive.

It isn't your job to teach him, yours is to keep yourself and DD safe.

Where can you go? If your childhood was difficult, is your parents' a good idea? Would you be safer with your sister? Does your family share your religion?

Make a plan, because you may well need it.

Do you work op? If I were you I'd start taking steps to becoming independent.

Yes your H is abusive, of course he denies it and throws it at you. Can you really see him going yes I'm sorry I'm abusive go and stay at your mums for a while.

My best friend is married to a man like this, he disapproves of anything that would make her happy and fulfilling.

She now works earns far more than him and utterly despises him. But she feels she can't leave him as it will hurt her children.

I think it's hurting her dc far more to live with an abuser and have his behaviour normalised and constantly walking on eggshells around him. Her ex never bother asking their father anything or sharing their feelings with him as they say he'll get pissed off and accuse them of being disrespectful. Not one dc likes him particularly and they steer clear of him. Then he moans that his dc don't love him as much as they do their mum.

Yes because he's abusive, controlling and an arsehole.

Tell your husband he's getting a no to letting you stay at your parents because he's using his feelings to override his prayers. Your entire family wants you to go stay with them that's a positive to your prayer, there's no reason not to go to your parents or rest that's a positive to go stay with them and he wants you to lie to your family about the reason not to go which means you should go and stay at your parents there's nothing wrong it.

But goodness a battle over staying a week at your parents, what the hell is he like for major decisions or do you just let him do whatever he wants for a quiet life?

He sounds awful and your life sounds really sad.

Friends dc not ex that should read

Yes he is controlling you. Why can't you go and visit your family without him?

You're married to an emotional abuser. They are all "lovely men really", it's how they make you doubt yourself.

Don't let us scare you off the thread this time, enchanted.

Stay with us, we'll help you think things through and make up your own mind about what you need to do.

Saying "I'll think about it" is controlling. He wants you to wait until HE is good and ready to give you an answer, knowing you need to make plans and other people are involved.

My ex used to do that all the time. I learnt to TELL him "I plan to do xyz, let me know by 1st April if this doesn't suit you".

Or he'd end up agreeing in such a way that it made him look oh so kind and benevolent.

It sounds like you get tongue tied, and/ or are not keen on conflict. And it sounds like he makes the most of that, and uses it to control you.
Not all people control because they are unkind/ abusive( although lots of posters on mn see things in black and white, and can only say ltb for any level of conflict of dissatisfaction) , some people control because they feel over responsible for everything.
If you genuinely feel you are in a good relationship, with bits you don't like, the only way forward is communication, which you sound good at.
You also need to improve your self confidence and self esteem. You don't need to be perfect, nobody does, nobody can be. We are all flawed and human, we all make mistakes. Loving yourself means accepting yourself as you are. all your needs are ok, all for imperfections are ok. Yes you can strive to do your best, but you need to be gentle with yourself, and accept your humanness.
Counseling will help.
((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) and best of luck with ask this.

Are you a jehovahs witness? Things you said about the religion sounds familiar but that's really not how a husband is expected to behave. The Bible said a husband is to love his wife like jesus love the church and gave himself up for it. Jesus would not act like your husband. (I was raised as a JW)

I don't ask DP anything. I tell him where I am going. That's it. He does the same.

I don't really understand this. As an adult I can make a decision to do something for my own well being and don't have to ask permission as I am not a child.
I feel for your mum and child in this situation as they are missing out because he's manipulating you. And yes it's emotional abuse. My guess is he doesn't want you getting support from family as it may lead to criticism of him. I'm interested in why the relationship between him and your family has not been good. I'm guessing it's because they don't like the way he treats you

Saying "I'll think about it" is controlling.

Yy to this. He was being controlling before he even got as far as saying he didn't want you to go. Why should he get to decide whether you get yo visit your family anyway? Would you get to tell him not to visit his? Only you can decide whether you are prepared to accept a life where he's in charge of you (faith of no faith). I couldn't live like that. And if he has the back-up of his religious community reinforcing his right to control you, I doubt he'd ever change his ways.

I'm religious I don't ask permission of dp to do my own thing. I'll ask if he's ok to take over with supervising my dc (they're not his dc), whilst I'm out and that we don't have clashing appointments he's never told me he'll think about it or pray on it!

He does cook for my dc or get taken out with them and then he comes and picks me up from the train station in the evening.

I was shocked at the difference in him and ex, because I had spent so long normalising controlling, bullying abusive behaviour towards me.

hey enchantmentandlove

i am christian too. pentecoastal and understand some of your misgivings read this faith based book that talks about emotionally abusive marriages to gain clarity.
"The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your hope by leslie vernick
God covers you too in your marriage. we believe a husband should lead the home but there are biblicial exceptions. a christian husband should not try to isolate you from family. He understands their place in your life.
You shouldnt feel the need to tread on eggshells in a spiritually ordained marriage.