Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

But I can't just give up on things, can I? I can't imagine life without him, I sometimes have dreams where he's left me or died which is devastating, and I always wake up so thankful that I have bum.

Oh my gosh!! Have him* not bum haha!

Couples counselling would be a huge huge mistake. Please don't do it.

"He encourages me in my hobbies and loves my quirks. He takes care of us, and is a fantastic dad to dd, she absolutely adores him"

He denies you the right to see your own family of origin.

Oh there's that word "adore"again. Hmmm. Your DD will love and loves both her parents no matter how abusive her dad actually is. She is like a sponge; she is absorbing all that is happening around her and will continue with that process as she gets older too.

He is NOT a fantastic dad to his DD because he is emotionally abusing her mum. Women in abusive relationships as well often write stuff like "good/fantastic dad" when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You have really said nothing at all positive about him.

He has and continues to thoroughly manipulate you. If your hobbies are mainly home based it is also in his interest to encourage you to further keep those up. It can also enable him to keep further tabs on you.

I agree, I've known for a long time I'm too dependent on him. I feel like I'm seen as this fragile little thong that needs someone to take care of her, and I think believed that myself for a long time too. I went from relying on my parents to relying on dh, I have never relied on myself in my life really.

And yes my hobbies are home based.

Little thing* - sorry I really need to double check before I press post!

"But I can't just give up on things, can I? I can't imagine life without him, I sometimes have dreams where he's left me or died which is devastating"

Do not get further sucked into the sunken costs fallacy; that will also cause you to make poor relationship decisions. He has conditioned you to think you cannot and will not manage without him. He also dying or leaving you means that you do not have to pull the plug on the relationship also because you are still afraid.

I think you dream as you do because your subconscious is still trying to tell you that this treatment of you at his hands is not right at all.

I absolutely agree, please do not attend couples counselling. It is vitally important that you find your own secure and safe space with a trusted therapist to explore your own feelings - but it must be away from him and without his knowledge. He currently controls you to a mind boggling degree and if he even got a sniff of your desire to see a therapist, I fear his behaviour towards you would deteriorate further.

He is an oppressive, manipulative individual and whilst it is fantastic that you are starting to question your relationship, you must tread carefully at the moment.

From an outside perspective and as someone who is staunchly atheist, I can only describe his behaviour towards you as brainwashing/mind control.

It really has no place in modern society.

"I went from relying on my parents to relying on dh, I have never relied on myself in my life really".

OP its about time you did and live life according to your own principles within it rather than letting people like your H dictate all that you are and do. I can see why you have not done this because amongst other things no-one has let you nor bothered to show you what a mutually loving relationship is like. All the adults in your young life let you down. The man you are now with is abusive to you, there is no two ways about it.

Thought your hobbies were home based. That is why he likes them because he knows then where you are. Doing something hobby wise outside the home even something as innocuous as say a knitting circle or flower arranging classes is something he would not like you to do. You meet other people then and get ideas; he basically wants you as his Muse to him being your Svengali figure. He wants to keep you in that cage of his own paranoid making, a cage is still a cage no matter how gilded it is.

I'd say it's perfectly possible that he believes he is acting for your own good. As human beings we have enormous capacity for deluding ourselves into thinking that anything that makes us feel good is therefore good.

But thinking you are acting for the best does not necessarily mitigate the actual effects of your actions.

Supposing he had got into his head that he needed to supervise your diet to keep you healthy and that the only safe food for you was lettuce and cucumber. He might genuinely be deluded about the effects of such a diet, he might not think he meant any harm, but your physical needs would still not be met, you would be lacking in essential nutrients and what he believed or didn't believe wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference to that. In addition, your children would grow up with unhealthy ideas around food, which might later damage their wellbeing.

That's what's happening here. You are lacking something essential in your marriage, you are not getting the nutrients you need and your child will grow up seeing this.

I am not saying LTB. I can't claim to know whether you should or should not leave him. But something needs to change.

"The thing is, dh spends lots of time with God. I understand many of you may not understand this, but when we pray we let God guide us. When dh prays this is what he says he hears - to not be too close with my family, to move away, to spend time praying rather than rely on tablets to feel better mentally. He doesn't even like me saying "I don't feel well today" for eg, as then I'm speaking illness over myself and so I will be ill. I haven't always understood this."

This is not Biblical! In the Bible, the saints are allowed to be weak, they are allowed to be frail, they are even allowed to admit that life isn't perfect.

What he is thinking about is his comfort; it's about his inconvenience in being bothered with the needs of another human being, about his vanity which means everything has to be perfect about his family.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.cbeinternational.org/sites/default/files/refusing_ford.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwjxzPL-7ofSAhWGHxoKHbkrBMM4FBAWCCYwBQ&usg=AFQjCNHkyUVN17RYoaLHa8PmvD_Wx_kKaQ&sig2=ynvUcPcaOHe92a_YI0JfwA" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.ie/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.cbeinternational.org/sites/default/files/refusing_ford.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwjxzPL-7ofSAhWGHxoKHbkrBMM4FBAWCCYwBQ&usg=AFQjCNHkyUVN17RYoaLHa8PmvD_Wx_kKaQ&sig2=ynvUcPcaOHe92a_YI0JfwA

I found this excellent PDF about recognising the signs of Spiritual Abuse in A Christian Marriage. I hope it helps.

The more I read of your posts, the more I am beginning to think that he will not change and that the idea of the sunken cost fallacy applies here. As far as I can see, he is manipulating the Bible in what seems to me a very sinful and wrong way, a parody of actual faith, and that if you stay with him this is what your daughter will learn.

If he actually cared about listening to anyone except himself when he was praying, he would know:

that God values you just as much as he values him

that God is just as likely to speak to you as to him
(oodles of Biblical parallels on that one)

that prayer is not there to make us feel better about our egos

that family support is one of the chief ways in which God builds good lives and good relationships

That is a really interesting way to look at it. And as I've said before, I've started questioning things more since dd came along. My goal in life was always to have a happy home - the 'perfect' mum and wife. I have some scars from my past, and have always just wanted something so different for my own children. I'm not knocking my parents, we all make mistakes, but I never wanted that.

Excellent link by Elspeth. I particularly liked the comparison of the "if you are a Christian you must blindly do as I say"- argument to Satan tempting Jesus to hurl himself blindly off the hill top.

So God tells him all the things he wants to hear which give him carte blanche to control you according to his own agenda? How very convenient for him. And you're not even allowed to say you're ill? Wow. Is he allowed to say he's ill when he's ill?

You're being brainwashed.
He's manipulative and controlling and has managed to cut you off from most other relationships.
Do you want your DD to grow up with him as her role model for a husband?
Stop asking his permission to live your own life. Pack up all your stuff and go and stay at your DM's for as long as it takes to sort out your life and be free of this Svengali.

He likes the idea of me being a sahp as his mum was

You aren't his mum though. You are your own person, except he's not letting you be your own person.

dh doesn't like me going to the Dr as they just give you tablets

Absolute nonsense and this is actually very harmful to you. How can he have your best interests at heart, when you can't see the GP. And they don't just dish out tablets.

I think the truth is that he doesn't the GP to explore what was really wrong with you, because he would be identified as the problem and you may realise and wake up to his control and abuse.

Take control of your own health and next time you feel unwell, book an appointment with the GP. You don't need his permission to do this and you don't need his approval either.

Do not let him isolate you from your family.

I am religious, as is my DH. We raise our DC in our faith and they go to faith schools. Religion is important to us, but my DH would not stop me seeing my family and try and disguise it as God telling him or as that's what he hears when he prays.

You need to say that when you pray, you hear "that you should feel free to make decisions to do what you want as a grown adult, without feeling controlled"

You simply have a man using religion as a cover for his desire to control you.

I spoke to a Social worker colleague of mine and she told me of a few cases, where religious men, who were vicars and church leaders, inflicted abuse on their wives over years. Don't ever think that being religious makes someone a good person, because that's just what they want to portray.

Slightly off topic... But as an example of what I mean a married man having an affair, told his mistress he was giving up sex with her for his lentin sacrifice.

You see how he made out he was a good religious man? And he also used religion as the reason for not divorcing his wife, because it would set a bad example to their children.

Because you've never lived an independent life supporting yourself, he seems like your saviour.

Do you get time away from your DD?

Can you get some hobbies out of the house?

Would you be able to go to the gym or join a book club if you wanted to?

I know that you look after your DD as a Sahp, but do you have any say over groceries purchased? Or do you deal with any say/control of the household bills or anything?
I ask, because these are skills you need and that are required for independent life.

My mum's friend lost her DH a while ago and she had no clue how to go about paying a bill or anything like how home insurance or car insurance was obtained.

Thank you so much for that pdf, it was really kind of you to share it with me. A lot of what was written really rang true for me if I'm honest. Particularly not trusting my discernment in prayer or with others, and maybe seeing himself as above me.

I do our groceries, but bills etc I'm ashamed to admit I have no idea, that's something I have never minded dh being in control of as I get confused and can't do it.

Getting out for hobbies is difficult, as I don't drive (am learning) and there are only a few buses going to limited places where we live. I have felt quite isolated since we moved here, but thankfully I've made some friends at groups.

I think dh's reasoning for not liking me going to the Dr (he encouraged me to come off anxiety medication in the past), visiting family etc is that I'm not relying on God to fix my problems. He said that visiting family may make me happy for a few days (although he said it will probably drain me instead), it's not getting to the route of the problem. His example is if your sad lots of people will buy something new for themselves, but after a day or so they feel that emptiness again as it was never fixing the problem.

I always wake up so thankful that I have bum.

You weren't far off the first time

Seriously though, you sound such a kind, sensitive soul but your relationship scares me.

God won't fix depression. Honestly. I'm not religious but I know that's not how it's supposed to work.

I think dh's reasoning for not liking me going to the Dr (he encouraged me to come off anxiety medication in the past), visiting family etc is that I'm not relying on God to fix my problems. He said that visiting family may make me happy for a few days (although he said it will probably drain me instead), it's not getting to the route of the problem

This is not a biblical viewpoint and it's completely the opposite of the teaching of most Christian churches.

The NHS, medications, science our families - these are all Gods good gifts to us. We need to thank God for them and use healthcare when we need it.

Mutual love and suport from family and friends is one of the most important things in life for most people, whatever their beliefs. They are God given.

If your husband had appendicitis or cancer, would he use doctors or just " rely on God" ? Of course he would go to the doctors. This tactic is not about your welfare , it's about isolating yu and making yOu more dependent on him.

If you look at the list I posted upthread about the criminal offence of coercive control, stopping someone access medical care is there. Do you recognise other things on that list .

"dh's reasoning for not liking me going to the Dr (he encouraged me to come off anxiety medication in the past), visiting family etc is that I'm not relying on God to fix my problems"

because according to your dh God did not create the doctor? did not give him the talent needed to do his job? did not create the plants and chemicals that make up the medication?

"visiting family may make me happy for a few days (although he said it will probably drain me instead), it's not getting to the route of the problem. His example is if your sad lots of people will buy something new for themselves, but after a day or so they feel that emptiness again as it was never fixing the problem."

A man who sees visits to family as on a par with empty consumerism has a serious problem.

Tell me- does your dh eat? Does he wear clothes? Or does he just sit around waiting for God to fix his hunger and cold problems? Remember that bit with Jesus in the desert? That is precisely what Satan suggests to him: throw yourself off this hill top, ignore the law of gravity, because the angels will catch you. And Jesus replies, "Again, it is written, 'You shall not test the Lord, your God."