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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP - Office Affair

277 replies

Lostmymind01 · 09/02/2017 14:58

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 17/02/2017 11:36

*KLAXON

Now he's hoping for lots of well dones

AutumnRose1988 · 17/02/2017 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LottieL · 17/02/2017 17:50

Other half. Hasn't he been referring to her as OP?

LottieL · 17/02/2017 17:51

Sorry, I was mistaken. Yes, I think he means other half.

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 17/02/2017 17:56

Don't know all these OP AND OH's

Thought was other half

OP posts:
AutumnRose1988 · 17/02/2017 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LottieL · 17/02/2017 19:13

Original poster I think.

AutumnRose1988 · 17/02/2017 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wingsofdesire · 18/02/2017 08:20

Personally I don't think you should tell her because her life will never be the same again and she doesn't deserve that.

What I'm sure she does deserve, and, I guess you'd agree, is a totally committed and faithful partner who loves her and wants to be with her and make her happy more than any other person in the world. I imagine that's what she offers you. That's the deal, and you obviously know that.

So I don't think assuaging your conscience by telling her, or out of some (in my opinion) misguided sense of duty, is right.

You are on your own with this one. If you can honestly look at yourself, your character and your feelings and know you will never do this again, then move jobs and move past it and never tell her.

If you're not sure, then you should set her free. If you live her at all, protect her from the most devastating pain and destruction in her life - because that is the effect of betrayal by someone you love and trust. And if by then you have children, well - just think for a moment about how they too would suffer.

If you want to be super-moral now, you must also be super-realistic. Can you do this? Think for a second how you'd feel if she were your daughter or sister or mother. If you could play God for the one you love and protect, what would you do? Would you be happy for her to be with you?

Think hard. And act simply. And remember that now this is pretty much all about her: you've wounded her, even though she doesn't know it. If you love her, protect her, one way or the other.

Wingsofdesire · 18/02/2017 08:43

Love not live. If you love her, direct your actions by that.

Apologies for bad punctuation in places - phone annoying.

You get the gist, though.

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 03/03/2017 18:40

I was all fine, moving on and backed away from OW, and then she says she misses me and we start messing around again because I'm weak. Now 2 weeks later she's saying feeling all bad again and saying we need to cool off and I'm back to square one

OP posts:
Wristy · 03/03/2017 18:44

What an absolute waste of space you are.

PNGirl · 03/03/2017 19:36

She's using you to prop up her confidence, obviously. You can expect this every few months til you cut off contact. Pathetic.

AutumnRose1988 · 03/03/2017 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmileEachDay · 03/03/2017 21:13

Aaaasnd on a Friday.

So he doesn't get to see her for 2 days.

This is the next best thing, innit.
I wouldn't give him what he needs Autumn.

Wingsofdesire · 03/03/2017 22:21

This really is the moment where either you're an amazing husband or you're awful. There's no in between. This is the point where you have to see the OW naked in front of you, begging you for sex, and you say: no.

Just say no and walk away. Anything else is beneath you and your marriage. Anything else is no good. Anything else is being spineless and selfish and unkind and stupid.

Be a great partner, or be worthless. That's your choice.

Would you drink Domestos? No. So don't touch another person. Just walk away.

Or be weak and spineless and give in. But the pain you might end up causing is so appalling - is it really worth it?

Have some self respect. It really is easy just to say 'no, sorry - I feel bad about this - can't do it'. End of.

Wingsofdesire · 03/03/2017 22:23

Sorry for my emphasis on 'spineless' there!! ha

It's just because I know saying no will take an effort - a conscious choice to be better.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2017 22:27

Stop fucking feeding it

Voice0fReason · 03/03/2017 22:30

Pathetic attention seeking posting.

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 04/03/2017 06:56

Guidance and advice.

I'm in bits as I took it as a lesson learned. Now I realise I've learnt nothing. i want to stop it from happening and break the cycle and stop being a puppet for the OW

OP posts:
Wristy · 04/03/2017 07:29

People have given you good advice.

You have chosen to ignore it. That doesn't make you a 'puppet'. It makes you a sad, selfish loser. You chose this.

Wingsofdesire · 04/03/2017 07:32

You said it. You are her lapdog. And that is so unfair on your actual partner.

Ok, here's a lesson that I only recently learnt:

There are some women who don't only want to fuck someone else's man, but want to have them wound round their little finger, jumping on command. She gets a kick not only out of sex with you, and all the drama and flirtation around that, but also out of being able to control another woman's man.

She is probably the sort of woman who always has to make sure she could have any man in the room if she wanted.

She's spoilt. Don't spoil her. Don't participate. Withdraw in every sense of the word. She will probably use every wile she has to try to manipulate you back into her control, and no doubt at some point will get angry with you, but just don't let her.

Don't be a pussy. No is no. Just stop it.

And then don't dwell on it. Focus on your (thankfully) unsuspecting partner.

DrMorbius · 04/03/2017 07:34

Why are you in bits?

Your last post before coming back yesterday was I'm not sure if I'll confess to OH but it's made me look at why I did it and how to stop it happening ever again so what did you spend that two weeks contemplating? FA by the sound of it.

Now I realise I've learnt nothing. i want to stop it from happening and break the cycle and stop being a puppet for the OW Aww poor you, does that nasty woman keep making you do things you don't want to do??? How old are you 10 take responsibility for your own actions. Your life, your body, your decisions. Own your decisions.

Do one decent thing, tell your partner, let her make her own decisions but you won't because ultimately your a coward.

Wingsofdesire · 04/03/2017 07:34

Go and talk to someone if you need to. But just get out of it.

It's actually REALLY easy not to respond. Say once 'That's it - bye'. Then don't answer any messages or calls. Don't engage. Completely erase her.

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 04/03/2017 07:45

I think you're spot on wingsofdesire.

She said something like "I thought you were going off me and was missing you" and then reeled me back in and I let it happen

I wish people would stop the silly comments for me being truthful. In this real world there are many many people having affairs and most are purely secretive about it but feel exactly like I do.

OP posts:
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