HELP - Office Affair

[Lostmymind01]

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

She clearly wants to move on. And I she sounds ashamed of what she's done. Certainly she doesn't want to continue, and she's finding it hard to be friends.

You just have to accept that the price you pay for having gone so far with it is to lose her friendship. It has to be that way. And as Autumn said, hey, you've got out of it pretty well - a lot of people end up losing the partner they wanted to keep. You've got your partner and your future. Just without this woman.

And if you find it hard to stop longing, etc - just remind yourself that she is gone - and not coming back. Like a memory, a holiday, a certain time. The time is ending and she is gone. You have to look to what you've still got, now. Yes, you were/are still a bit addicted. But the only way to deal with an undesirable addiction is to bully yourself into giving it up, really.

Yes, his lucky lucky partner!

Gaslighting is where you deliberately pretend to your partner that your abusive behaviour is actually a figment of their imagination or it's their fault rather than yours. It's another element of the abuse because it makes the abused partner doubt themselves or blame themselves, which is often harder to come to terms with psychologically than the abuse itself.

I didn't say he was. I expect his OP completely trusts him and he obviously hasn't given her a second thought so I doubt he's needed to. Was just answering your question.

Abuse....just read above

I may be an arsehole, a waste of oxygen etc. but it's not helpful is it and just shows how some people have no constructive opinions or views other than abuse.

I will not apologise though for how I feel. In life you only have control of your thoughts and actions. My selfish actions have brought on feelings that I cannot control, and my actions are totally unfair on my partner. I haven't thought how she would feel, how I would feel if she found out. I've just been reckless and for what? For just sex basically

I'm reassessing my relationship, my reasons for doing what I did, etc. Based on the comments put forward by everybody on here

You're not going to give my suggestion a try then?

Would I go back. After feeling this bad I don't think I would, as I can't feel shitty like this again.
Perfect - you have demonstrated your incredible selfishness and lack of understanding yet again.
Poor YOU, this is all about YOU.
Don't worry about that 'guilt' you are experiencing, it will subside pretty quickly (unless your secret comes out), then you can get back to the important things in life - like YOU, your wants, your wishes and your desires.
You have learnt nothing from this whole experience and all you have learnt from this thread is that people think you're a twat but you still can't see why. It's not all about your infidelity, it's not even all about your unwillingness to tell your girlfriend, it's about your staggering lack of understanding about the impact of your behaviour on other people.

Your poor girlfriend deserves so much better. There is no way that you treat her with any real love or respect. Even if you had never had this affair, she would still deserve better. A person as self-absorbed, selfish and unaware as you, with a complete lack of empathy, makes a dreadful partner. They are the characteristics that lead to the affair and they are still there afterwards.

The problem with not telling your partner because you 'love her' is that you don't. You don't want her to make realistic decisions based on the facts, you don't want her to have autonomy, you don't want her to have a faithful partner... all the things I wish for people I love.

Don't tell her if that's your thing. But don't pretend it's because you love her.

Or it's some niche S&M thing.

Or venus he can't talk to her, so he talks about her.

Stokes the drama, gives an opportunity to stay in affair bubble.

(also the reason that so many OW post at the weekend when their MM is with his family)

know I've come across as a real t**t, and yes I am a cheat.

No no, not a twat, you don't have the warmth or the depth.

I don't want to tell my OH as I love her, and do want to be with her and make things great again.

You sound like Donald Trump. You seem to have his level of narcissism and inability to see that the consequences you are suffering are nobody's fault but your own. It is a form of abuse, what you're doing to your partner. DT doesn't think he's abusive either, come to think of it.

at Trump

Start working closely with another female colleague. You will soon get infatuated with her (your type usually do) and then you will be 'over' the first one before you know it.

My selfish actions have brought on feelings that I cannot control,

Poor old you.
None of its your fault because you couldn't control your feelings
A perfect way to absolve yourself of any responsibility.

OP, if you're getting a hard time, that's because most of MN has heard it all before and can see this situation for what it really is.

You are cheating on your partner.
You are lying to your partner (through ommission)
You are trying to make excuses for your behaviour. There are none.
You are more,than likely seen as the Workplace Lech - one of those creepy men, someone who is incapable of working closely with women, without thinking they.'re up for it and fancy you.
I bet the women at your workplace can't even smile at you without you reading something into it.

You won't get any hand holding here.

I came on here out of desperation. I did something wrong and got in to deep and wanted to know how to deal with it and if anyone else had experienced the same and how they moved on.

My posts have shown me how self centred I am and blinkered in this situation and i didn't realise that in a way I didn't want to let go of the past.

So my plan is to look for another role elsewhere and move on. That could take a few months so in the meantime I'm distancing myself from OW

I'm not sure if I'll confess to OH but it's made me look at why I did it and how to stop it happening ever again

Hooray!