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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP - Office Affair

277 replies

Lostmymind01 · 09/02/2017 14:58

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

OP posts:
Lunalovepud · 15/02/2017 19:28

We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level.

The first step in getting over this situation OP is to accept that you were never friends.

troodiedoo · 15/02/2017 19:46

You probably have lots of friends, ones you haven't slept with. You've crossed the line with her once so don't risk it happening again. Stay well away and keep it strictly professional. Time heals all awkwardness. And don't think about offloading on your wife. Unless you plan on being unfaithful again then you should kindly end it.

AutumnRose1988 · 15/02/2017 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2017 22:43

I don't underestimate how painful this is, but the pain will end.
It feels like cold Turkey, because that's what it is, your body is withdrawing from the ' forbidden fruit' chemicals that flooded it, endorphins and various neurotransmitters. Nothing will replace that, but it WILL wear off. Distance helps.

pregnantat50 · 15/02/2017 23:14

If OW expressed a wish to continue he affair, would you? and if so surely that means partner needs to know as its more about the desire to do so than the fact OW has ended things

SunshinenSparkles · 16/02/2017 00:59

So if the OW were to stop holding you back, would you continue to fuck her? I get that you feel shitty but is that because you have made a mistake by having an affair or because you didn't expect to get your heart broken?

If the answer is the latter then you really have to fess up and let your OH move on. You should really be telling your partner anyway, how long can you feel guilty for?

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 16/02/2017 08:00

I know I've come across as a real t**t, and yes I am a cheat. And I didn't realise how much this was consuming me and how my focus was totally on the wrong things until I came on here.
I don't want to tell my OH as I love her, and do want to be with her and make things great again.

Would I go back. After feeling this bad I don't think I would, as I can't feel shitty like this again. It was supposed to be a brief thing and I think I'm in deeper than I knew, so I don't want to go back. But unless I'm that position I really cannot answer

OP posts:
LottieL · 16/02/2017 08:04

Would I go back. After feeling this bad I don't think I would, as I can't feel shitty like this again. It was supposed to be a brief thing and I think I'm in deeper than I knew, so I don't want to go back. But unless I'm that position I really cannot answer

It gets worse.

You need to tell your other half as you can't even guarantee that in the same scenario you wouldn't do it again.

Surreyblah · 16/02/2017 08:05

So it would've been alright to cheat if it was a brief thing with no emotional cost to you?!

Surreyblah · 16/02/2017 08:06

It's all you you you

DuggeeHugs · 16/02/2017 08:15

Your poor OH. With every single post you ignore her feelings and situation in favour of your own.

If you have even a shred of respect left for her please, let her go and make a life with someone who will love and respect her - then you can get over OW and try to find a new partner who isn't third best after you and OW.

MadMags · 16/02/2017 08:41

God, you really are an out and out bastard.

I hope your OH finds out. Then she can come on here and we can all tell her what a waste of good oxygen you are.

venusinscorpio · 16/02/2017 09:01

No one would be this unselfaware of what an arsehole they are. I think he's either trolling or he's getting off on all this attention.

Lunalovepud · 16/02/2017 09:11

You really are a piece of work.

Would I go back. After feeling this bad I don't think I would, as I can't feel shitty like this again. It was supposed to be a brief thing and I think I'm in deeper than I knew, so I don't want to go back. But unless I'm that position I really cannot answer.

It's all about you, isn't it?!

What this means is that you would go back to OW if you knew that there was no risk to your feelings. You'd probably leave your DP to be with her if she asked.

I really hope your DP finds out - I'm sure you haven't got the stones to give her the dignity of telling her yourself. She deserves someone who loves and values her completely and not as second fiddle.

NotYoda · 16/02/2017 09:48

Please try and imagine what it would feel like for your DP (or if you can't do that, imagine what it would feel like if she was consumed by lust for another man) At some level she knows. You are making her into a fool. Stop trying to have your cake and eat it. Give her some power to decide about her own life.

NotYoda · 16/02/2017 09:49

venus

Yes, I have been wondering about that too.

I'm going to stop posting now

MadMags · 16/02/2017 10:05

I call troll.

Original poster
Lostmymind01 · 16/02/2017 10:28

Not a troll. Just trying to answer the questions put to me that's all.

I'm giving honest answers and because you don't like them, you feel it right to then abuse me

OP posts:
Adora10 · 16/02/2017 11:12

Some people in life just don't have a conscience, and their default is always to put themselves at no 1, I think this is you OP; you can't help who you are but do you not think the kindest thing you can do is to let your current partner go, do you really think you are the best she can do, I don't.

troodiedoo · 16/02/2017 11:55

You are romantising your affair. It didnt mean anything it was just sex. you didnt have a friendship it was just the foreplay to the sex, which is often the most intoxicating part. Now that shes ended it you are mourning the loss as well as having to face the issues that lead to your cheating. You say you dont know if you'll go back to your OW like its out of your control. Its not, you have a choice. Do or do not do as Yoda would say. Commit 100% to being a faithful partner and you might just surprise yourself.

pregnantat50 · 16/02/2017 12:07

How would you feel if it was the other way round and your DP had a 'fling' that was ended by her lover and not her, and then needed your help getting over it? Does that seem fair to you

AutumnRose1988 · 16/02/2017 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmileEachDay · 16/02/2017 14:25

Disagreement with your view does not equal abuse.

It feels abusive to you because you seem to have no capacity to see things from another point of view.

Try writing your next post from your partner's point of view - go on, I challenge you to do that. How does she see you now, whilst ignorant? How would she see you if she knew?

Go on...

MadMags · 16/02/2017 19:55

Who is abusing you?

You're the abuser. You're abusing your partner's trust. And it's highly likely that you're gaslighting her too, which is tantamount to emotional abuse.

Wingsofdesire · 16/02/2017 20:02

You had the thrill of the chase, and all that delicious falling into something that was wrong but intoxicating.
(That's the point where I part company with you, because I would have felt too bad in the first place to do it - and would have been v. worried as to why i wanted to ... but I do respect that you are now trying to detach.)

You have had the delightful fling you wanted. And now the party really is over. You have to just allow the relationship to peter out ... you have to let it go.