Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

[MissesBloom]

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

[Megatherium]

Wanting to work isn't "following your dreams", it's wanting to provide for yourself and your family. Sure, you're aiming to do something that interests you, I assume, but there is nothing wrong with that.

[Goawayquickly]

You ask AIBU?
Honestly? No, he sounds fucking awful.
You sound like you are in a gilded cage.

[SallyGinnamon]

From your update it sounds like his salary should go into a joint account that he DOESN'T have a card for, the gets spends into his personal account. He's obviously wanting to hide things from you.

Being both financially controlling and irresponsible is a scary combination.

[ArcheryAnnie]

He's controlling and financially abusive.

I really really hope the savings account you mentioned is in your name only.

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation, OP. The good things he does do not give him permission to do the bad things.

[Athome77]

You have said you have anxiety and are sometimes shattered so he helps out. Could it be that he worried that if you take more on your mental health will suffer? You could become more anxious and shattered... talk to him and see if there is some way round it.

I know everyone is saying he's abusive etc it does seem very controlling, but I was in a similar situation and my hubby said that I did so much with kids and couldn't wait to go to bed when he came home as I was exhausted (he worked away all week), he could only see it getting worse if I then worked. We came to an agreement where he gave me X amount each week that he had wouldn't question. I have eventually got a degree and work part time so I have my own money.

I guess there is other differences in your situation regarding the following your dreams etc.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I'm not sure that this is such a first world problem - sure it is in the sense that the family as a whole have a roof over your heads, food to eat, clothes to wear etc. etc., but abuse is abuse. This is financial abuse.

I think it's fine for the partner who handles the finances to say "sorry, we really can't afford it" if the other partner wants to buy something that there is no budget for. The partner handling the finances does not necessarily have to be the main earner, just the one who is mainly responsible for ensuring that bills get paid and everyone eats throughout the month. However, if there is any disposable income available, it is completely wrong for one partner to be able to spend it all, as they wish, whilst making the other justify every minor purchase.

A family is a unit. By not working during the pre-school years, you have saved your DH a huge amount of money in childcare fees. Fair enough, it was a joint decision for you to be a SAHM for that period & that's fine - but I hate the implication that SAHM's are "kept women" as though they are princesses in a tower, brushing their hair & being fed peeled grapes all day long. For me, all income is family income & should be treated as such. Nobody should be begging for scraps.

As far as DH not wanting you to work goes, well, it's just too bad isn't it? You are an individual, your own person. If you want to work or study, then of course you can. I'm not sure I would want to stay married to a man who wanted to dictate to me in that way TBH.

[Trifleorbust]

So not only are you his unpaid skivvy, you should also understand how lucky you are

[Msqueen33]

Do you think his behaviour is contributing to your anxiety? Sounds like all is fine as long as you go along with whatever he wants. Two of my kids have Sen so I'm a sahm. My dh had access to my account and was shifting all of our spare money into his isa in his name including my carers allowance and kids dla. I locked him out of the account. He still complains as he can't "track it". What he thinks I'm buying I don't know plus I enter what's in it onto our spreadsheet. He has a controlling element.

[GallivantingWildebeest]

He's not controlling about me going out, I couldn't accept it if he was. I don't go out often with friends, when I do he does tend to call me every hour!!

But, OP, that is controlling. That's totally unreasonable.

Why don't you tell him just how much childcare costs? And a cleaner? And a chef? Work out just how much it would cost him to pay for someone to run his house and bring up his kids, and that might make him value your contribution more. I'm not sure it will, though - you've told him he's controlling but he hasn't changed his behaviour. For some reason he feels entitled to act like this.

He sounds like an arse. Financially controllling AND irreponsible is a crap combination.

Maybe he likes you being helpless/ill and needing him as this makes him feel more secure - that he's in charge, that you need him and won't run off? And now he feels threatened that you want some independence. If you did study/train and get a job, I bet he'd find another way to control you.

[LornaMumsnet]

Hi all,

We're just sending this over to relationships at the OP's request.

[meganorks]

This sounds horrible. To have to ask for money all the time and be made to feel bad about it doesn't sound like a very equal, loving relationship. I am a SAHM at the mo and since that has been the case we have had a joint account for house stuff. Practically I don't see how you can work this as most stuff I but is with a card.
Then to you not working/studying. If your husband had a genuine concern (eg the course was expensive and you couldn't afford it) then that should be discussed. But instead he has come up with some emotional blackmailing non reason. And if you say it's something you need and want to do for your own wellbeing it doesn't really say much about how much he cares if he trying to stop you.
I hope you go for it!

[SapphireStrange]

happy to cook to help out if Im shattered

It's not 'helping out'. And why only if you're shattered? You're both adults and both responsible.

He'd better not refer to looking after his children as 'babysitting'.

But anyway, he's financially controlling. I'm glad you've got that savings account. Think about using it, to 'follow your dreams' if you wish (as you're entitled to do) but mainly to get away from him.

[MissesBloom]

I agree with more or less what everyone has said. It always seems worse when you're looking in from the outside (or maybe I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm the one in the relationship). He really is a kind man, I'm no pushover, I've got demons of my own but have somehow allowed this situation to go on. I didn't even really get how controlling he was until I spoke to some family members on his side who were a bit at his grip on the finances (or lack of). It all came to a head after that conversation and I actually broke up with him after a HUGE argument. I refused to carry on without having the bills transferred to me and a budget drawing up.

Thing is we are not well off. And last year we were in an awful position due to debt, which has finally been paid off (and lessons learned).

He is just so disorganised and loves to brush things under the carpet financially speaking. He's gotten himself into so much trouble before due to this. I squirrel money away because I want to buy the kids clothes and in case something comes up. He actually mocks me for it . He knows I do it and takes the piss out of me for it.

He can be infuriating but I KNOW his intentions are good, he just is disorganised and very lazy to boot.

I think maybe I need to just start putting the wheels in motion and if there is resistance then let him have it

I didn't really get that this was as abusive as it is until I wrote it down.

Need to get a grip I think !

[MissesBloom]

Ps thanks whoever reported this to get it moved. Had no idea how

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

We are honestly happy in general, my anxiety is health related, and he supports me every step of the way with it. Before the kids he worked while I was too ill to, I suffered with agrophobia amongst other things and he never complained.

It sounds as though he was happy with that because your illness meant that he had you exactly where he wanted you. At home, relying on him for everything. It can be seen as being supportive & understanding - or it can just be another way of keeping you controlled.

[cartismandua]

OMG my blood ran cold when I read your post. The same happened to me by ExH who was a financial and coercive controller like yours. I want to reach into the screen and pull you out of the raging river. .

You are on the road to a whole lot of grief from this man and YOU MUST HAVE SOME FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE at all costs or you will drown. Sorry for caps but please hear the warning. In a relationship where you are not respected anything can happen at any time.

Right now start making your plans and on no account consult OH who regards you as a servant. If you are not ready to leave the marriage at least take responsibility for your own career decisions and do not let yourself be sidetracked.

Then get good advice that you have paid for.

[RoughBeast]

This thread makes my blood run cold. OP, you're not 'so lucky', you're unlucky enough to be a currently apparently powerless SAHM married to someone controlling and financially abusive. When your husband uncomplainingly deals with you suffering from severe agoraphobia but will not hear of you studying in order to return to the workplace, that's a significant sign of something very wrong in his attitude towards you.

[EnormousTiger]

If you can get work (or study first and then get work once you have the qualifications) that sounds very sensible not least because he doesn't earn anything like enough and is bad with money. I earned 10x my husband and always worked full time even with babies. We had the same view of money (save it, be careful, invest, pay off debt, no gamling) and both did as much at home, only had joint accounts. I did both our tax returns, both knew everything about the family money. That is equality. It worked well.

Where a spouse is like this - he is disorganised then often they will hand all the finances to the non working wife who does all bill paying and just hands the man back his allowance. i thinkn that would work better for him - you have `100% control of his money and you also study and then get a good job.

[ChampagneCommunist]

How, if he has such a well paid job, are you in a position where:

1. Last year you were struggling for money for food
   
2. He thinks he will be in a position to buy the company he works for?
   

These these facts don't tie together.

[ExplodedCloud]

Can I just get this clear?
In your OP you said I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years

And additionally Thing is we are not well off. And last year we were in an awful position due to debt

So he has a well paid job, spends it all (on God knows what) and got into debt. Won't let you have access to funds and doesn't want you to work. Also checks up on you every hour on your rare evening out.

Controlling, inept and a gambler?

[SapphireStrange]

I KNOW his intentions are good

In the nicest way, OP, no they're not and you're kidding yourself.

[PoorYorick]

It always seems worse when you're looking in from the outside (or maybe I can't see the wood for the trees as I'm the one in the relationship).

It's the second one. What would you say to a woman whose husband didn't let her work nor give her full and fair access to family money?

[Adora10]

Wow he's done a right number on you, he's a bully OP, he's controlling your every move and he's financially abusive; you can't buy fuck all for yourself but he can spend, spend, spend, you have to ask him for a pittance, Jesus woman, you're an equal here, you're not lesser than him because you are staying home bringing up your children.

He helps out - wow, that's big of him, helping his own family.

You have a very weird idea of a family set up, stop giving him such power and admiration, he's acting like a complete dick and getting away with it.

Up to you but if you think you are lucky then you really need to see the whole picture here, I'd hate to be in your position and I would leave pronto, I will never be in debt to any MAN, who sees me as a possession.