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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh says colleague will make a move on him

166 replies

Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:10

DH has started working with a new colleague who he thinks it's only a matter of time before she will make a move on him. Apparently she has a reputation for this. They don't work together often but when they do they rely heavily on each other for business.

He says he is not interested, that if and when it does happen he will deal with it and it's ridiculous for me to be in any way upset.

I'm a little upset as he's obviously thought about it, he knows all about her background- growing up etc so they have already over shared, she is gorgeous and successful in a way he highly admires. I'm a sahm with nothing dynamic and interesting to say and almost a decade older.

I know this all sounds pathetic written down and I'm not sure what I'm asking from you all, just feeling a bit miserable about it and helps to get it off my chest I suppose.

OP posts:
Deranger01 · 07/02/2017 19:42

p.s. I'd position a demand for more time for yourself every week as a direct response to his 'honesty' . If he really can't commit to one measly evening a week and some time at the weekend because of his hours, then he needs to find money for more nursery/babysitting time. It sounds as though you've over-invested in him and you need to lay that on the line.

SandyY2K · 07/02/2017 20:13

So what do I do?!

You don't have to do anything in relation to his comment, but you need to work on yourself.

Consider doing some volunteering an afternoon a week, help out with reading in your DCs school or on school trips. Anything to get you out and meet other people.

It's all well and good being a mum and wife, but it's in your best interests, to stimulate yourself. To have something more than the DC to talk about when your DH comes home.

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 20:39

Thanks, some really helpful advice and good for thought.

I suppose it depends what you mean in terms of threats and perceived lack of sex. He did say that he didn't want to be in a marriage which didn't make him feel fulfilled and sex is very important to him. However I guess anyone has the right to say they aren't happy for whatever reason, so maybe threat is the wrong word.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 20:40

*food for thought!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 20:44

And how you feel about being in a marriage where you're having more sex than you want?

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 20:44

Is sex equally "important" to you ?

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 20:46

Sex is important to me and I feel closer to him because of it but I don't 'need' it as often as him.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 20:48

He can use the euphemism of 'fulfilled' but what he's saying is that he doesn't want to be in a marriage where he doesn't get as much sex as he wants.

A veiled threat that if you don't do it he'll go elsewhere.

Which is presumably why you're having it 4-5x a week.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 20:50

How do you feel about having sex with him now ?

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 20:50

Why do his 'needs' trump yours? Sex is a want not a need. You need food and water.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 20:52

And next time you are not in the mood ?

Will you feel the same about saying no ?

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 21:00

It made me feel very resentful at times. I do say I'm not in the mood now as I came to a point a few months ago where I wasn't prepared to feel pressurised anymore.

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 07/02/2017 21:16

That doesn't sound like a particularly sustainable situation if he thinks he's entitled to more sex than you want.

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 21:21

Being pressurise into sex is a really horrible way to live OP.

I can't help wondering if this is contributing to your self confidence issues.

It's not nice to feel like your wishes are not respected.

I notice that a few months after you've manged to start saying when you're not in the mood, your husband announces he's going to be jumped on by a work colleague. He's trying to panic you into having sex with him.

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 21:21

*pressurised

jobanana · 07/02/2017 21:54

Why do you not want sex with him?

jobanana · 07/02/2017 21:54

I do think that's a key question.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/02/2017 22:01

Because op feels pressurised into sex according to her posts. And she has been having sex with her H 3-4 times a week.

tobedo · 07/02/2017 22:14

It's all in the timing, he's not getting as much sex, he's now got a sex mad female after him. Lying, manipulative git.

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 22:24

She's said because she has a lower libido and she doesn't want it as often as he does.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 22:47

Jo....you couldn't figure it out from op's posts ? Hmm

And she does want sex with him. What op doesn't want is to be manipulated and coerced into having sex with him. Which is exactly what he is doing...and has been for some time it would seem.

Cricrichan · 08/02/2017 00:22

If he pressurises you for sex, I doubt you even want to have sex with him! Such a turn off ! And as a sahm of all these young kids (I know as I've 4 myself) , the idea of having to 'service' him whilst you've spent all day servicing your kids is not appealing. You want to just chill and have no more demands made on you. Sex is something you should have when you want and if you have different drives then he can sort himself out.

He sounds like a sexist dick too. If I'd heard that gossip I'd take it with a pinch of salt. If she had been having affairs with all these married men, I highly doubt they'd all be telling everybody about it, they'd be keeping it a secret surely! So, I'd take it as malicious gossip or wishful thinking or a lie told to you to make you have sex more often.

But agree with others. Put your youngest in childcare for a day a week or two mornings for example and do something for you. Whether it's joining a gym or getting a job or starting a course. You need to do something for you that doesn't involve kids/husband/house.

WombOfOnesOwn · 08/02/2017 01:00

So he used to pressure you. But now he doesn't, and at the same time there is a new gorgeous woman in his life.

If you think nothing is going on you are being naive! I know you want to believe the best about your spouse but I wager he is already cheating, maybe for months.

jobanana · 08/02/2017 08:42

Tbh I've never felt pressurised into sex so that's the bit I don't get. Being honest. If my guy wants it that's a turn on. So my genuine question was, why is him wanting you a turn off? Sorry if am being stupid, anyfucker ...

venusinscorpio · 08/02/2017 08:46

WTF has that got to do with anything?

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