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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh says colleague will make a move on him

166 replies

Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:10

DH has started working with a new colleague who he thinks it's only a matter of time before she will make a move on him. Apparently she has a reputation for this. They don't work together often but when they do they rely heavily on each other for business.

He says he is not interested, that if and when it does happen he will deal with it and it's ridiculous for me to be in any way upset.

I'm a little upset as he's obviously thought about it, he knows all about her background- growing up etc so they have already over shared, she is gorgeous and successful in a way he highly admires. I'm a sahm with nothing dynamic and interesting to say and almost a decade older.

I know this all sounds pathetic written down and I'm not sure what I'm asking from you all, just feeling a bit miserable about it and helps to get it off my chest I suppose.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 07/02/2017 18:01

In your shoes op I'd be getting my shit together, working on my happiness looking to get back into work, putting away a rainy day fund.
Making sure I was familiar with all family finances.

And then assess where I want to be, what makes me happy and what I envision the future of my relationship being.

I agree with AF, I'm shocked at the shit partners women put up with.

Hidingtonothing · 07/02/2017 18:05

What AF said, for me being secure means being utterly sure and completely upfront about where my boundaries are. I learned the hard way where being the 'cool wife' gets you and I feel a million times more respected since I found my self respect and stopped putting up with things I wasn't happy with.

Iamdobby63 · 07/02/2017 18:12

It's an odd thing to tell someone isn't it? He says 'when' it happens he will deal with it - so if he is prepared and is fully aware and knows how he will nip it in the bud - why tell you? Especially given the fact that you have low self esteem!

I'm sorry but your husband sound manipulative and controlling. I'm afraid I agree with the others who say this is to manipulate more sex and for you to be oh so grateful.

Iamdobby63 · 07/02/2017 18:14

Sorry to add: All I think you should do is wait and see and in the meantime start concentrating on you more - you may or may not start recognising certain traits in your husband.

jobanana · 07/02/2017 18:19

And I didn't say she was deffo x y and z - OP said this is what she was told.

Ok - I think we need more background. How much of her reputation is only according to DH and how much do you, Op, actually know of real fact and what she's done? Is it true she has eg several times had affairs with partnered males?

Cuppaoftea · 07/02/2017 18:22

If my DH pulled that kind of rubbish he'd be getting it zero times a week.

What a disgusting way to try and undermine your self esteem and make you jealous so you'll 'compete' in the bedroom. Where's his respect for you as his Wife, life partner, equal?

And if he relies on this lady for business he might want to think twice before discussing her in such a way again. Sure she'd be just thrilled Hmm

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 07/02/2017 18:24

it's definitely a shot across your bows OP!

oh btw, there's a gorgeous woman doing the rounds at work
oh yeah, we'll be working closely together
I still don't think I am having enough sex

doesn't matter which way you look at that it all adds up to him not getting what he feels is his due, and effectively giving you a verbal warning.

Bct23 · 07/02/2017 18:33

Definitely told you to keep you on your toes. Bet you would get a completely different story if you spoke to her! He just wants you to up your game! Manipulative to the extreme.

motherinferior · 07/02/2017 18:38

So what if she's had 'several affairs with partnered males'? I know the current MN habit is to assume that a woman who has done that is a Feelthy Hoor And No Man Is Safe but actually she might be quite choosy and not prefer blokes who gossip about her reputation.

Olddear · 07/02/2017 18:38

Just nod knowingly and say 'ah, she's got cataracts then' and ignore.....he's an eejit.

tinglyfing · 07/02/2017 18:44

My ex was like this. Didn't see it at the time. He would dress up this kind of "information", as a way of showing me how he wanted only me, despite other women coming on to him.

He was full of shit.

BBCNewsRave · 07/02/2017 19:03

Thephoneywar Imagine if the roles were reversed. A hot man at work was making it clear to you he fancied you. Would you hide it or tell you husband. Would you tell him in a serious way or a light hearted way.

I wouldn't say "I think he'll make a move on me soon". How would I know, for a start? Either he'd already have "made a move"/said something suggestive, in which case it would be "god, something awkward happened at work" including the following bit where I had to make it clear I wasn't interested, or alternatively I'd know because of another colleague telling me, in which case it would be "X seems to think..." Not just "Ooh yeh, hot guy at work, he's going to make a move soon. Just so you know."

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 19:14

The deeper issue here is that you really need to talk to him about this sex pressure. As I said above I think that's what this nonsense is all about.

timeisnotaline · 07/02/2017 19:16

I too am with napqueen. That's nice dear, I'm glad you're an adult. Of course, if you do get up to anything you're a divorced adult who has the kids every other weekend.

motherinferior · 07/02/2017 19:17

There's a major difference between 'eek, X made a pass at me' and 'ooh this colleague of mine is a real goer, you know, shags everyone, obvious she'll get round to. E in due course'...

Christinayangstwistedsista · 07/02/2017 19:17

What a prick, you should have laughed in his face

A big issue here though, is how you feel about yourself. It can be a thankless task being a SAHM, I used to miss getting dressed every day and heading out to work. Between having sex and looking after three kids how do you have time for yourself?

ScarlettFreestone · 07/02/2017 19:21

"In your shoes op I'd be getting my shit together, working on my happiness looking to get back into work, putting away a rainy day fund.
Making sure I was familiar with all family finances.

And then assess where I want to be, what makes me happy and what I envision the future of my relationship being."

^^What Fuzzy said OP absolutely do that. I'm not saying LTB but I am saying stop
being this downtrodden shadow of yourself. Go get yourself and job and a life. You'll be happier even if everything with your DH turns out well.

Ohyesiam I mentioned sexual harassment because most adults, particularly good looking, successful men, really don't find it hard to politely shut down unwanted interest before it even happens.

In the normal course of things it wouldn't get anywhere near this woman "making a move". There is absolutely no inevitability to this situation.

The only way the woman would be "unstoppable" would be if she was actually a sexual predator. Which is possible but seems unlikely given how he apparently presented it.

I think it's far more likely that he's an arse who is trying to pressure his poor wife into more sex.

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 19:23

Thank you everyone

I don't know how he knows about her reputation, as far as I know she hasn't been working there for long and even then it's only on a consultation basis.

Not really sure what to think but I'll certainly be keeping an eye on the situation as best I can.

In terms of disrespecting me, perhaps you are right. I'm not sure if it was his thoughtless was of trying to be honest and open or if he is trying to be manipulative.

In terms of pressure on me for sex, this is being worked on. It became a huge issue for us but had actually been much much better for the last four months, long before this current issue cropped up. There has certainly not been any pressure or threats made recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 19:26

Yes, I absolutely will work on myself. With his hours and the children it's very very difficult but once the youngest starts school soon I'm sure I'll have more opportunity.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 07/02/2017 19:27

He made threats?

Naicehamshop · 07/02/2017 19:28

My overall feeling is that you can do better than this manipulative fool, op. Start thinking more about yourself and what you want from your life.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 19:28

Have there ever been threats?

user1484539497 · 07/02/2017 19:33

Next time give him a hard stare, laugh and say 'I highly doubt it'. It's not pathetic to be upset, he's disrespecting you and the woman he's talking about.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 07/02/2017 19:33

he made threats about the amount of sex?

Deranger01 · 07/02/2017 19:39

i wouldn't wait to work on my self esteem til the youngest is in school - surely your lovely 'D' H can be home early so you can have at least a weekly night out doing something you want to do, so you can be independent? How about at least an afternoon at the weekend to? The biggest issue here and the only one I would worry about is that you've lost your identity and sense of self-worth. Whatever life throws at you, you've got to back yourself. Maybe he'll be a d1ck and cheat, maybe he won't, but you should be living a life that makes you happy not waiting to see what he does.